He acts ridiculous when frustrated!!

[Reebekah]

My ds (4) acts totally ridiculous when he gets frustrated about things.....whines, cries, throws his body around, stamps his feet, and gives up. Lately, he gets frustrated ALL THE TIME about EVERYTHING....if one little thing goes wrong, or if something looks the least bit difficult, etc. He is doing this when he plays, when someone interrupts him, if someone doesnt understand what he is talking about, and when we are trying to do anything at all...including educational activities, crafts, etc. Any ideas of how I can handle this? This behavior is ruining our days together....because I start getting angry with him when he does this. I have tried to hold him arm and force him to calm down....I have tried to just stop the activity (this make it worse because these are activities he WANTS to do)....I have tried to take things away from him (if you throw a fit today we will not be going outside to play in the snow later).....I have tried to just talk him thru it and tell him over and over to calm down, this is not how to act, let me show you an easy way to do this, etc.....I have tried to have him go sit down for a "break"......nothing works. He is a VERY smart boy, but his behavior has been terrible when things dont go exactly his way. Sometimes he just wants me to do everything for him....even things he is more than capable of doing....and I dont want to do that because I want him to learn how to work thru frustrating situations. Is this NORMAL? I dont think the answer is to take all of the frustrating situations away (some of them are beyond my control anyway)...instead, I need to stop the behavior that comes in response to frustration. I am starting to feel like there is no way that I will be able to homeschool him if we dont solve this now.

[Dar]

That's so normal for 4! Really! In a year or two it will be much easier, I promise. Read some threads about 4 year olds in some of the other forums, really!

I would take away all of the frustrating situations I could and just have fun with the activities you try to introduce...

[theretohere]

Sounds really normal for four- and more of a developmental thing then a homeschooling thing. Give him time and patience- he'll let you know when he's more ready!

[atreyyena]

Have you just repeated back to him what he's saying? many kids get upset when they don't feel heard, and I know for my two boys (2 and 5) sometimes they calm down immediately when I do that. You know, if he's upset about markers being taken away, just agree and say you hear him about the markers, that's got to be tough. Then once he feels like you're on his side, he might be willing to work WITH you to follow a solution, cause IME kids don't ever respond well, especially when upset, to 'this is not how to act'.....they're not acting that way to be 'bad' or make you frustrated, but because they don't know how to handle all those feelings they're having. Being confrontational will only give add more feelings to the mix.

Also, I don't know how you do things, but if you wait until the last minute, and then say 'play times up!' he might get really upset. Just like if your husband told you to get off MDC RIGHT NOW, it was time to go. So maybe get a timer, when playtimes almost up put the timer by him so that he has some time to see and Know he needs to wrap things up.

That behavior IS normal for four, but at least with my kids it's helped, so hopefully you'll get some use out of my suggestions.

Oh, one thought, how do you respond when he acts that way? It could also be for attention..... if the situation permitted, just quietly let him know that you don't like being yelled at, but that you'd love to help him solve his problem when he's ready, and that you'll be waiting in the kitchen (or den, or wherever) with a big hug when he's ready to talk.

Good luck!

[PenelopeJune]

I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm relieved to hear others say it's normal for four!

[prothyraia]

We're not there yet, but I've heard repeatedly that the "terrible twos" are nothing compared to the "@#!$ing fours"

[TortelliniMama]

Another vote for "that's four." Worrying that this means you won't be able to homeschool in the future is kind of like thinking you won't be able to homeschool a two month old someday, because right now all he does is lie around, he never says anything, and he sleeps more than half the day.

[elizawill]

i thought you were talking about my 5 year old, lol.

yes. totally normal.

[violet]

I agree with the consensus that this is normal. But that doesn't mean he will coast right through this normal phase without some direction from you -- right? Sure we can't remove all the frustration, but we can minimize some triggers at least for awhile and focus on the social skills of calming down and responding to frustration appropriately. I would worry less about his subsequent 'behavior" other than to repeat the rule, "we don't ____" and then restate what he can do to calm down. "Listen to your heart, is it beating fast? Take a deep breath...."

My DS is a bit spirited and has some mild sensory issues and for him, 3.5 til 5yo were tough tough years. All developmentally appropriate issues, but intense. I loved the book the Explosive Child. It addresses specifically kids who want things a certain way and are easily frustrated. Basically, you can't really discipline or teach a child who is in the middle of an emotional outburst. They just aren't in the right part of their brain to absorb the lesson. And really, that's what 3.5-4.5yo is all about. Lots of emotion, very little impulse control. So we focused first on the skills of calming down and limited stressors. Then increased our expectations for what he could handle and what boundaries we would enforce. We also got help from a traditional homeopathic dr. I still don't know what was the bigger impact, the homeopathic or the parenting stuff.

And know that you can help him through this. As parents we often get stuck feeling bad when they act out and good when they respond well. Instead we should focus on our vast wisdom and skills as the adult in the house who can guide them through this maze of childhood -- you are the expert! You know how it feels to be frustrated! Go to it mama, show him how to deal!!

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

We're not there yet, but I've heard repeatedly that the "terrible twos" are nothing compared to the "@#!$ing fours"

i have a 2 yo and a 4 yo

and i totally agree -- this 2 year old is harder than the other one -- but wow of wow the 4 yo (I live in fear of the tougher 2 at 4)

my 4 yo is LEARNING to take deep breaths with me -- he is SN and we have additional issues re: anxiety and SPD

I do shelter him a lot (in fact i am being asked by Ped, DH and others on the care team to not do so as much) and it does help -- some days we just need to avoid fustration so we can get though the day.

Basically, you can't really discipline or teach a child who is in the middle of an emotional outburst.

this is the biggest thing for me -- when i see DS1 'too far gone" i just try to contain and get though it -- there is no point in adding stress to both of us trying to 'correct" or "teach" he is not receptive at that point.

great post violet

[craft_media_hero]

Sounds totally normal to me, too.

Have you tried just turning away and ignoring the behavior? You know, they start fitting out, and you just kind of ho hum, I think I'll go do the dishes now, la la la, and continue on as though it doesn't affect you at all (even tho inside, we are like AAAAGGHGGHHH!!!)? I know sometimes they are really looking for a response, and when you're kind of like, oh well when you're ready we'll continue but not make him the center of attention, it can kind of dissolve the drama.

I dunno, it works with some kids and probably would make others even more infuriated.

Another thing that helps at this age is just letting him have control over anything that is appropriate for him to be in charge of. Like, meal, snack, and bed times are steady, chosen by mom, but he is able to be in charge of the details, serve himself, choose his drink, etc. Same with getting dressed and other daily choices. You probably already do a lot of this, it is pretty intuitive. Seems like they often go thru a "control freak" stage around this age, and letting them be in charge as much as possible can be very soothing.

Also, in the kindest, most non-judgmental way possible, four is very young for any kind of structured learning. IMO, it's really not necessary to organize crafts or learning time. Just exploring/mastering his environment is the best learning activity for him. If something "educational" comes up, then great, otherwise, don't try to artificially create learning opportunities. So maybe just giving him that "masterful inattention", keeping one eye on him and being there when needed but generally giving him his own head would be beneficial?

Good luck!