how to encourage DD to take initiative?

[lisavark]

DD is 21 months, EC'd since 2 weeks and a "stage 3 grad" for...oh, gee...months now. By which I mean that she stays dry consistently if I take the initiative to take her potty. She's been in underwear at home during the day since 12 months and out and about during the day since 18 months. Still wearing cloth diapers at night, although she frequently wakes dry, but our sleep is still SO awful and I need every bit I can get; don't want to mess it up further with potential wet sheets.

Anyway. All that said, I'm thrilled with where we are. But I'd like to move toward her taking the initiative more. I've tried backing off, and I try to believe her when I ask if she needs to go and she says no, but she frequently says no and then pees on the floor if I don't take her anyway. I regularly use all sorts of methods to persuade her to go potty, like different locations, peeing her toys, bringing the potty to her, etc. Recently she figured out how to pull her pants down herself, so that's been her big "bribe" lately! So I'm wondering: any ideas on how to really encourage her to take the initiative in either taking herself or telling me when she needs to go? My idea right now is to just stop reminding/encouraging her to go and maybe get a few more BBLPs (she LOVES the one we have) so I can scatter them throughout her play area. And then explain to her that she should pay attention to her body, etc. And then just leave her be. Maybe remind her occasionally, like every couple of hours, but not take her if she doesn't want to go. I think if I did that she might pee on herself quite a bit at first, but maybe then she would start taking the initiative to go. Would that be a disrespectful way for me to encourage that? I kind of feel like I'm disrespectful sometimes now because she says she doesn't need to go but I take her anyway--usually by persuading her that her toy needs to pee, or something like that, but still, I'm kind of forcing her to listen to me rather than her body. So...what do you think? Is it ok to let her pee on herself for a couple of days while she figures this out more? Or should I just keep going as I am and trust that she'll gradually take more initiative. She has told me that she needed to pee before she actually went a couple of times, and it was a HUGE excitement for me when she did, but it's definitely not a regular thing.

Oh, she always tells me that she needs to poop before she goes. Or else she just holds it until I take her to pee, and then she tells me that she's not finished.

Thoughts? Other ideas? I hate to just let her pee on herself when she is so good at staying dry when we work at it together. But I kind of feel like maybe she'd like it better if I let her have more independence with it, even if that involved more misses.

ETA: I forgot I wanted to tell the story that happened today, because I think it really exemplifies where we are right now. We were leaving a store, and I asked DD if she needed to go potty. "No!" she said emphatically. "Are you going to pee in your pants and be all wet if you don't go now?" DH asked gently. DD thought about it for a minute. "Maybe..." she said. After we finished cracking up laughing, DH took her potty, and she went--not a whole lot, but enough that it seemed like she might have needed to go.

Sorry so long! Thanks for any tips!

[pixiepunk]

this has always been the most challenging phase of EC for me. It's always sort of a dance, IYKWIM - offer less, offer more, trying to find the happy place in the middle.

i personally do feel that if she's not complaining about the status quo that it might be disrespectful to leave her to her own devices if she's not ready for that yet. but i do think that you can gently start to encourage more independence.

first, i *never* ask "do you need to go potty" because for some reason they have all just loved to say no to that question i always say matter-of-factly "let's go to the potty." or sometimes i say "i need to go to the potty, why don't you come sit with me." those tend to get fewer refusals when there's a need to go. but at this point with my LO, i also do respect her decision if she says no. i'll ask "you don't have to pee?" shakes head "you're sure?" shakes head "OK, we'll try later." now if i'm getting the vibe she really does need to go i'll ask again a few minutes later, but i do always respect the no.

also, if you haven't already, talk to her about it. it sounds like she's pretty communicative, so tell her that you'd like for her to be in charge of when she needs to go to the potty if she's ready to be in charge. ask her to please let you know when she needs to go, and to tell you if she doesn't want to be in charge sometimes. i had to do that a lot with my DS - sometimes he was great at telling me, other days he just did not want to be bothered, and preferred that i take him. funny, even at almost 4.5 yo he's still sorta like that. there are days when i still need to remind him to pee before we go to school or before bed, and he often waits till the last minute and goes running to the toilet - he doesn't like to stop what he's doing, and going to the bathroom is not high on his list of priorities. he really seemed to prefer me taking more initiative for a long time.