do you play favorites?

[overseasmomma]

Dh loves all our 3 kids, but favors Dd2. She seems to have this power over everyone. People always want to cuddle her and coo over her. Her twin brother (13 months) is a super energetic and loud and doesn't inspire cuddly feelings as easily as dd1.

Dd1 (3 yrs) is probably old enough now to notice favoritism. I was blatantly favored as a child and it was quite ridiculous. To this day, I feel very guilty about how my dad favored me over my siblings.

I've talked with Dh about this and he has agreed to tone it down. But, I often have to catch his eyes and pointedly look at the other kids when he's busy giving extra kisses and hugs and making googly eyes at dd2.

It's hard to explain because Dh is supercuddly with all the kids and he makes ds1 laugh like no-one can. And, we have been careful to give Dd1 more attention after the twins were born so she wouldn't feel left out or pushed aside as our family made room for 2 more babies at the same time. However, there is just something about dd2 that just makes you want to swoon over her. I worry about how the other kids will feel if I can't get dh to stop playing favorites.

I have to admit that being my Dad's favorite did me no favors with my siblings and I'm sure they hated my guts when we were little even though I was never bullied or anything.

Do you have a favorite and if you do, are the other kids aware of it? How do you resist playing favorites if you seem to 'connect' with one child more than the others?

[SunshineJ]

I don't have a favorite, but if I did the kids would never know it. My half brother is the favorite on my dad's side (extreme example - he was given $50,000 by my grandmother to remodel his new house just "because", I was on the verge of losing my house (we did) and was given $20 gas money for driving across the state for a visit). DH's sister has always been the favorite. From the personal side, it sucks. From a more distanced view, I have 2 cousins 6 yrs apart. The eldest was a surprise baby, the youngest was planned. The youngest has always been the obvious favorite. I don't know how the eldest feels towards his parents on that, but I do know he always loved his younger brother regardless. The younger brother doted on his big brother. I do think though that there is a very big difference between playing favorites and treating each child to their personality - though it can also look like favorites. Take your children for example. The high energy DS that you mentioned probably wouldn't be too thrilled with your DH slowing him down so he could snuggle all over him like he does your DD, kwim? Just like if your DH were to roughhouse with your DS, DD may not appreciate that so much.

[nextcommercial]

I only have one. Sometimes, even she isn't my favorite.

I was favored at times, and at times my brother was.

My brother was hyper... VERY hyper. But, fun and happy.

I was quiet, shy, and very happy to comply to whatever anybody wanted. So, if we were going out to dinner, I didn't care where we went, but my brother did, so we did what he wanted.

He was more fun to have around than me, but I was easier to have around than he was. So, it just depended on the situation who was the favorite.

[AllisonR]

IMO, short term favoritism does no harm. Sometimes one child is going through a phase, and sometimes you really do enjoy one child more than another. But over the long term, I think it is EXTREMELY harmful, to everyone involved. I say this as the adult that was the "favorite" child. It was never even extreme in my upbringing - all 3 of us got the more or less the same financial support, the same opportunities, the same attention... yet I was still the favorite. And though my older brother was OK, my younger sister still suffers esteem problems, that affect her whole life. Yes, she may have still experienced some of these problems, but feeling less loved by my parents, no matter how well they tried to hide it, certainly has not helped!

[daytripper75]

We each have a favorite at my house. Like your dd2, my first born captivates people. It's quite a gift.
I find that using some of the techniques in "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me" helps to tone down any perception of favoritism.

[AllisonR]

Also wanted to add, it doesn't mean you love them "equally" at all times, or even love them the "same". I love my DS and DD very, very differently. They are different people, with different needs, desires, talents, personalities.... I love my DS's warm, sensitive, creative side. I hate his weird baby talk thing. I love my DD's outgoing, clever side. I hate her snooty whiney voice.

[ann_of_loxley]

I certainly don't plan on it. They will be different people though with their own differences and I will certainly value each and every one of those differences. Its impossible to love them the same or treat them the same though - because they are different people with different personalities/values/etc. But I certainly don't plan on 'playing' that up.

Mind - we arn't there yet, but I have got a lot of great ideas/advice from 'Siblings without Rivalry' by the same person who wrote (how to talk to kids).

[Storm Bride]

Play favourites? No. But, I interact with my children differently. DS2 receives a disproportionate amount of my attention, because he has a lot of behavioural issues that require near-constant intervention (not so much these days, but still a lot). DD2 receives a lot of attention, because she's a baby, needs us a lot, and she's an incredibly happy little person, and interacting with her makes us happy. She's actually a bit like you describe your dd being...but the other kids feel the same way. They come crashing into our room every morning to "see the cute baby". They don't mind that I snuggle and cuddle - they just join in and snuggle and cuddle her, too. Heck - they want to steal her from me most of the time!

Favouritism is tricky. My little sister was actually my mom's favourite when we were little. I always felt it, and mom has confirmed it. She just couldn't help it, because my sister was so happy and cuddly and...easy. And, you know what? My sister is the one who has grown up feeling "less than". She's always said that I'm the favourite, and I never was. I kind of am now, but only because I'm the only one who actually makes any effort to have a relationship with our mom! My mom and sister actually have much more similar temperaments than I have with either of them. But, mom and I think more like each other than mom and my sister do.

So...there was a brief period of favouritism when we were very young. It wasn't even remotely blatant, but it was there. The favoured child (my sister) was never, ever resented by either of us, because we adored her, too. Yet, she's the one who has grown up with "mom loves them more" feelings, so...

I don't know. It's complicated.

[InMediasRes]

I do. I wish I didn't. DD is just the most charming, chubby, and smiley baby I've seen. Ever. She is just a complete joy to be around all. the. time.

Her brother...her brother is incredibly high needs. He is not happy a lot of the time. I think a lot of it has to do with being a toddler, but he also just has a very anxious personality. He has been a constant struggle since birth.

I really love and enjoy both of my children. It's just that my relationship with DD is so easy, and my relationship with DS is so....not. I really and truly wish it was different, and I think that a little time will help with DS, and I'm sure time will change things with DD, but for now, I just try to give them equal attention and lots of special time with me, and I watch very carefully to be sure that I'm not turning down time with DS just because he's being needy.

[Aliyahsmommy]

I have a 2 1/2 year old very high needs toddler and a 3 week old very cuddly infant...Most of the time I find myself preferring to deal with the infant rather than my tantruming/needy toddler. It may look like favortism in a way when I choose to calm the baby first etc...but it is more that I feel he needs his needs tended first as he is so young. I definitely do enjoy him more some days than his sister, but I do not feel like he is my favorite. I love them both equally, but just find myself frustrated more often with my toddler than with my infant so that can look like he is my favorite. I cannot imagine having a favorite as they are both my children that I carried for 10 months and love with all my heart! As for my husband he currently favors my toddler as she is "daddys little girl," but I hope that as the baby gets older and can interact that he will love and like them equally!

[a-sorta-fairytale]

I dont think i favor either of my kids. I dont really think about it though. They both have to wait and do things they dont like because the other. DD has to keep her paints up high or ds will mix them, ds has to be strapped in the car twice a day to take dd to/from school etc.

DD is 5 and ds is 21 months. They are such different kids. DD was high needs, aggressive, fussy, refused to be cuddled, hated the act of nursing (because she had to touch me) and threw me for a loop. She was a really hard first baby and screamed pretty much for the first 6 months. She can still be a terror at times but pretty much 90 percent of the time she is a kind, helpful, smart, funny little girl. She reminds me of me in some ways (her attitude and bullheadedness) and i want to protect that part of her and love that part of her because for me that part annoyed my parents.

DS is a sweet snuggly little guy. While not easy he is soooo much easier then dd. He has the typical toddler pushing, hitting, stubborn behavior but that is it. He is happy to be held by anyone. If he wants to be picked up and i wont hold him he will let anyone else do it stranger or not. He loves his sister and just likes to hang with people.

My little brother was the favored child because he was the baby and the only boy and he was quiet and compliant. He got bad grades in school but it didnt matter because he was "good." I was a perfectionist and got perfect grades, was in choir, volunteered, danced, did gymnastics etc. My accomplishments didnt really get noticed, instead my parents noticed how "intense" and "loud" and "headstrong" i was. I am still like this and it has served me well in life. I am the only kid who hasnt moved back home at least once, needed to borrow money, and been in trouble.

[Alyantavid]

Dh and I don't have favorites, but we each have one that we can't deal with as well.

Both our boys are alot like we are. DS1 is just like me. He looks like me, he talks like me, and him and I clash alot because we are alot alike. He and dh don't clash at all. DS2 is just like dh, looks, attitude, all of it.

The only issue we have with favoritism comes from the grandparents. That I will comment on because I'm very obviously the least favorite grandchild (which feels horrible considering I have a convicted felon as a cousin who is not a good person at all). I don't want my kids to feel that.

[Dukey25]

I don't have a favorite, there is something that I adore about each of my kids and something that sends me away screaming. I do find that my youngest is my fav. baby. The other two were poor sleepers and he is pretty good by comparison so I have to admit he is my fav, but I am sure once he can speak we will have our issues. I think he may be an extrovert and I know that may test me as he ages.

[ExOfficia]

I have always struggled with this because I am an only child, as is stbx, so in a lot of ways neither of us truly have a clue when it comes to many sibling issues. This is one of them. Each of our children are incredible and of course unique, and I hesitate to use the word favorite.

I think it's more that some personality types find it easier to interact with a particular kid because of that kid's nature. My ds is quieter, calmer, more outwardly happy and generally less intense than dd. He's easy for me to be around.

Dd is intense, smarter than all four of us put together, more volatile, more persistent and sometimes this is too much for me. Stbx has a lot more patience than me in general, and I think on many levels he just 'gets' her better. So I guess each of us have our own unique relationship with each child. I am really aware of this and have always made it a priority to do special things with dd, and to have "our" things too.

[overseasmomma]

Great reading everyone's replies. Yes, I can see how 'easy' personalities can be easier to deal with and result in what can be perceived as favortism if we are not too careful. Dd2 is very easy going,doesn't cry alot and is content to just be held, whereas her twin bro and older sis are more rambunctious and volatile in their moods. Is it possible that even though we don't think we favor our kids, that somehow they 'feel' it is favortism? I'm not talking about isolated incidences like who got the bigger slice of cake or something like that, but a general overall 'feeling' in family dynamics? I co-sleep with dd1 and feel closer to her because i spend more time with her. the twins sleep with daddy in the other room and ds1 is in a crib (his choice) while dd2 cosleeps with daddy right next to the crib. I guess I worry about ds not getting enough physical closeness because during the day I'm too busy and he does alot of head butting, scratching, etc during playtime so it's just easier for me to scoop up the girls and get in some cuddle time, but not so much with him. I'm trying to figure out ways to get close to him because i know he kind of gets lost in the shuffle these days and it's not easy to cuddle up to him. the twins are still young (13 months) so i want to work on this now before this becomes 'routine'. anyway, thanks for all your thoughts on this!

[StrawberryFields]

I think that we do struggle with favoritism in our house. From my end, I know that I have a hard time relating to my dd. She is very independent, and headstrong, and difficult for me to manage. She has a lot of opinions for such a little person and she really gives me a run for my money nearly every day with her tantrums, meltodowns, hitting, "I DO IT!!!" "NO KISSIES, MOMMY!!" etc. etc.

This is a huge contrast to my ds who is my firstborn and therefore the person who spent the first two years (before dd arrived) as the center of our universe. His personality is the polar opposite of dd's and I find it so much easier to take care of him on a day to day basis without feeling emotionally, mentally and physically drained at the end of the day.

Now, OTOH, I feel like dh strongly favors dd and is often unnecessarily harsh to ds. I think that his expectations of ds are unrealistic and that he will be quick to yell at or punish ds and then turn around an snuggle and love on dd, his "golden child."

Dh thinks that I feel this way about it because I favor ds and so I am too soft and easy on him. I don't believe that to be true. I am not sure we will ever see eye to eye on this issue.

I just wake up every morning and try to give it my all with dd, showing patience even when I am frustrated, keeping my eyes open for special moments to treasure, and providing her with as much love and affection as I can.

[VisionaryMom]

I've recently been told that I favor my son. I do know that I understand and connect with him better, which I think leads to me excusing his behaviors because I can explain them. DD is just so free-spirited and whimsical, but I don't understand her at all.

I also realize that DD, who will be 3 in January, is at an age I also didn't care for when DS was that age. It's this sort of place where they want to do absolutely everything for themselves but lack the skills to do so, which leads to lots of frustration. Plus, DS now can have full conversations with me. We read books that open up discussion possibilities, which I love. DD just isn't quite there yet.

It's funny because I always thought I'd love the toddler years. They're cute and cuddly and say lots of funny things trying to understand the world. While those things all are true, I actually enjoy them more as they're older and can do more for themselves, freeing me up to shape their minds instead of wipe their bums.

[Theoretica]

I definitely prefer each of my kids more on different days. My son is 16 and I love having 'almost adult' conversations with him about lots of different things. He's passionate about women's rights so we get onto gabbing about the latest news there and we can talk forever! At the same time, he is totally hooked on World of Warcraft and I couldn't care less. So when he's going on and on about that, or snapping at/micromanaging his sisters for ohhhh I dunno, BREATHING...he's not high on my list. My 8yo is a lot of fun one on one, but in groups she goes between being clingy and just snotty (to me, not really other people) so that's obnoxious. My 20moDD is adorable when she's snuggling or we're playing together, but as soon as she's having HALT issues (Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired) all bets are off. She's the one part of this equation that can throw the other two off VERY quickly, so when she's pitching a fit or walking around screaming orders () then she is NOT my favorite kid.

So it varies for me. My goal though is when my kids are adults for each of them to firmly believe they were each my favorite And they will be right, because in many different ways they each are

[NicoleCS]

I feel insync with the a lot of the other posts - each day brings something new. My almost 2yo is a true blue 2yo, she is so funny, cute and squeezable; then upset, yelling, crying etc. - which is trying for the rest of the family. My 9yo is blossoming into this amazing, beautiful young lady, though certainly has her moments of pre-teenism. I personally cannot imagine truly favoring one over the other.

DH still struggles with the effects of favortism in his family - he and his mom were very close and had many similarities - DH's sister and father were the same. The family was really split in two and when things got really bad - his sister made the call that her and dad were leaving DH's mom passed away about 5 years ago and has left him feeling very alone to say the least. DH's dad tries really hard - but to DH it is just too forced by this point.

Love one another for simply who we are. Seek out the goodness and love, leave the rest. That's my motto