What things create a happy childhood?

[Spring Sun]

I really have no idea, since my own childhood was fairly bad. I know the obvious- just me spending time really being with my children is #1, but what are some of the simple very every day things that made up your happy childhood? Is a clean house really important? A house nicely decorated? Or did you travel with your parents, camp, do crafts. Was it meals? Or daily rituals? You mom always remembering to make your lunch? I know it is a big question, but if you could name just a few small things that added to you having a wonderful childhood, what would it be?

I will go first, with a few of the happy things I do remember:
Going on bike rides with my dad.
Staying up late when they had friends over and listening to them talk and be happy.
Movie nights.

[Bokonon]

I think being exposed to different experiences is important. I don't know if it would make the difference between a happy and unhappy childhood, but I have fond memories of going places with my family, and not just vacations, but local fairs and a favorite restaurant, things like that.

My mom never did crafts, and I always bought my lunch at school. My mom was a horrible cook. My dad worked 60 hours a week and was usually in a foul mood when he got home. But my parents always came to my music recitals and sports events. Actually my favorite vacations were the ones where my brother and I could spend time with other kids our age, rather than be stuck with our parents the whole time. I appreciate that they enabled and entrusted us to have those experiences.

We didn't really have any family traditions. And it wasn't an ideal childhood, but it was a pretty good one. We had a lot of extended family that we saw throughout the year, and it saddens me that my kids won't have that experience because we live too far from family now.

What I want my kids to remember when they get older is a lot of laughter, a lot of hugs, and experiences with and without their parents - as in, I want them to remember going to the zoo or Disneyland as a family, but also enjoying themselves at school or play.

And I want them to enjoy each other. My brother was a big part of my childhood, and even all through college, and I have fond memories of playing with him and just having him be my friend, though we fought like siblings occasionally. My kids are still very young, but they are totally in love with each other and while I can't control their relationship as they get older, I hope to foster and encourage closeness between them.

[overseasmomma]

A few things:

-a clean, organized house. I was forever losing my keys, homework assignments etc. my mom never knew how to keep an organized house and there were lots of fights over who had the 'whatever' last.
-lots of family activities. I have fond memories of lots of picnics, outings to the park, with the WHOLE family
-on the flip side, one on one time with both parents. I guess cause I was the youngest but I never had any mommy and me time or daddy and me time.
-no food/snack restrictions. my parents always let us eat whatever we wanted but because we had lots of healthy homecooked meals, we never overindulged in sweets/desserts but we usually got what we asked for.
-less lecturing and more 'talking' by parents. dad especially was forever trying to 'better' us and warn of us coming disasterse if we weren't more careful or didn't try harder in school etc.

[MittensKittens]

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mom, but I still have a lot of great childhood memories. Most involve my grandparents, visiting them and my grandmother cooking for the grandkids, whatever we wanted . My grandpa also took us out on lots of trips to interesting places, and I always loved their stories as well. There was always such a warm atmosphere in their house and I was always made to feel oh so welcome.

I know you are not asking for this, and you probably have a ton of them myself, but here are things I learnt to do on the basis of what my mom DIDN'T do:

- Really listen to your children and what they have to say.
- Show your kids you love them for who they really are, and never, ever ridicule them or talk to others about them in a less than positive way, when they are right there.

And things I do to make my children feel loved

- Always cook at least one meal a day from scratch, and let my kids help with preparation if they want, or just play in the kitchen area. Put on happy music while cooking.
- Tell them I love them all the time.
- Tell other people who proud I am of my kids, while they are there.

[chipper26]

I think the foundation of a happy childhood is:
- really being there for your kids day in and day out
- accepting who they and not trying to make them what you want
- listening to them, and reserving judgement until you have
- respecting them and giving them a voice
- having fun together (BIG ONE)
- playing with them (not all the time, but when you can)
- setting limits, but being fair
- letting your kids really know who you are
- spending time with your kids doing whatever
- family activities (Whatever is fun for your family - camping, reading, hiking, - playing in the snow, etc. - these are memory makers)
- Letting your kids have some choices and make some decisions
- Not putting your kids down and encouraging them

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I do want to start some traditions to make things special in our family. Even though my dd is very young, we started decorating fro the different holidays this year. She liked to look a the pumpkins and ghost around Halloween and the scarecrow through Thanksgiving. I'm crafty, so as she gets older, we will do some holiday/seasonal stuff together - but I don't think crafts are a necessary ingredient to a happy childhood. I just see it as a way to do something together that we'll both enjoy.

I loved baking with my mom and I remember standing up at the kitchen counter helping her make cookies when I was really young... like 4 or 5. It is a nice memory for me.

Christmases are also some of my happiest memories. My parents always tried to make them very special.

[marimara]

My mom is now passed and these are the best memories I have, even though we didn't have the best childhood,

-she would go on walks with us and just listen to us talk and laugh and ask to tell the same jokes over and over, and continue to laugh over and over just to make us feel good.

-she would remark to others how awesome we were in our various ways, often to the point of embarassment

-she was always trying to get a hug, and when I was a kid it mostly bothered me, but when I look back I wish I had given her more.

-she gave us the freedom to be creative, play, dream, do whatever we wanted, without judgment.

-she would stand up for us if something happened in public or at the park, or whatever.

-she told us we could do or be whatever we wanted and we really believed her.

[Lilygoose]

Time together and open communication. Our home life was mostly a little chaotic (single mom for many years), but my mom always talked to me about everything! We are still very close to this day. And although there were definitely some unpleasant things in my childhood- financially unstable, moved ALOT, poor relationship with my first stepdad- it was this closeness with my mom that makes those things fade into the background. She also "broke the rules" occasionally and these are some of my fondest memories-eating chocolate cream pie for breakfast, staying up late, playing spontaneous little suprises!

[maryeliz]

Expressing your deep and unconditional love for your kids.

Modeling resilient and positive thinking (and here I'm not saying ignoring sad things, I'm saying showing kids how to get over minor disappointments and how to problem solve).

Having enough routine that kids know what to expect.

Teaching love and compassion for others. I very clearly remember standing in the supermarket with my mom as a child and having her tell me that if you see someone using food stamps at the store you should never judge what they have in their basket, because you have no idea what is going on in their life. In a roundabout way I think that training as a child really helped me grow up to be a happy person and not be bitter about what others have.

Like Lilygoose, I have really good memories of my parents "breaking the rules." Once or twice a summer when it was really hot we would go out for "ice cream for dinner" and if we were at the beach and I didn't have my swimsuit they would just let me go in the water in my clothes. Those are very happy memories.

The flip side of that was that there were rules and restrictions, which I think actually heightened my enjoyment of the treats and special occasions that we did have.

[nextcommercial]

My parents were pretty nonexistent while we were growing up. So, my happy memories don't actually involve them.

Mostly, I was allowed to explore. I went everywhere, even as a two year old, I was allowed to go outside and go anywhere I wanted. (in hindsight, that's called bad parenting) It was fun! I learned a lot more than other kids who had to stay in the yard. I got to have more experiences than other kids. So, in that way, I was better off than some other kids. Although, back then, most kids had the same freedom I had.

My brother and I would play together a lot when it was cold outside, or it was too late to play outside. We had seven miles of Hotwheels track, and would spend a whole evening trying to engineer ways to make the cars stay on the track if we started at the top of the stairs. We used blocks, record albums, and whatever we could find to make the ramp turn at just the right angle so the cars wouldn't fly off at the bottom.

The entire neighborhood played street games every night til late at night. That was some of the most fun I ever had.

Snow days!!!! We would get up every winter morning, look outside, then turn on the Ray Raynor show to see which schools were closed that day. Then, when the school was closed, we spent the entire day outside digging life threatening tunnels through the mountains of snow made by the snow plow. (nobody was killed) AND, all of our parents left us home when they went to work. We all played outside in just jeans without snow pants because nobody I knew had even heard of snow pants in Chicago in the 70s.

It's a wonder My brother and I survived. But, I don't wish we hadn't had the freedom. I loved that about my childhood.

[SunshineJ]

Y'know, some of my fondest memories growing up are just of silly things really. I was raised by my grandmother, and she was just a character. Once in a while something would really, really tickle her and the memory of her laughing helplessly still makes me grin. Remembering my blind grandfather running across my bed with a shoe to try to kill the spider on the ceiling with my direction has me laughing out loud. It wasn't going somewhere or doing something, it was the daily life little things that bring back the true smiles. The trips we took, yeah they were neat. Disney was fun. BUT those aren't the things burned indelibly on my mind. It was the personality of the PEOPLE.

Every once in a while I'll be doing something and think "now THIS is one of those things that the kids will always look back on and remember!". Little things like sometimes when I make pancakes I'll take a cookie cutter and serve them neat shaped pancakes, or the annual holiday baking. Things that if I were killed today, they'd remember 20 yrs from now.

[crl]

I was really lucky and have great parents and had a very happy childhood.

A clean house was actually a bigger part of it than you might think. I was allowed to invite friends over anytime, on the spur of the moment. I didn't realize until I was a teenager that there were families that had to clean up before friends could come over. So I think a house that is clean enough that you feel comfortable with drop-in visitors is a really good thing.

Mom did pack my lunch and she used to send a little note in it everyday. The note would say things like "good luck on your spelling test." That made me feel special and loved.

Mom read to us all the time. I don't really remember her playing with us. But I do remember her reading to us. And she would read the same book over and over without complaining. And she read to me long after I could read for myself. I think the real gift here was her time on my terms, although it did also foster a life long love of books, which is another gift.

Catherine

[JessieBird]

I had a very mixed childhood - I have tons of happy memories and am a fairly happy, well-adjusted person today, but my parents went through a brutal divorce when I was 15 and so there were some terrible and damaging years thrown in there. I could write a book on what did and didn't contribute to a happy childhood. Here are a few things in a nutshell:

- Events and activities as a whole family: my dad was great at making us feel like we were a "team" with special family anthems, matching hats, goofy rituals that made every family picnic, ski day, whatever, a total blast. Thinking of ourselves as a team made me feel connected and gave me a strong sense of belonging even though I was the only girl (three brothers and a generally masculine family spirit iykwim) and a bit of a black sheep.

- Special repeating activities one-on-one with my parent: from about 4 yo, each of us had one or two cooking nights a month with my mom. We would plan the menu, do the shopping and cook with my mom. It was wonderful to "serve" our siblings and also to have that alone time with mom.

- "Saturday night treat night": we ate really health and our diets were restricted most of the time but all hell broke loose on Saturday nights. We rented a movie (or watched something special on tv before movies came along), had chips and pop followed by a dinner that I now realize was healthy but it didn't seem like it at the time (rich beef stew or something yummy like that).

Thinking about it now, I realize that what stands out in my mind the most are things that repeated or had ritual/tradition components to them. Looking forward to those things that only my family did in our uniquely special way is what bonded me to my parents and siblings.

What worked against my otherwise happy childhood: (things that I am working very hard to avoid repeating)

- Imposing parent's expectations on the child: my mom and dad had very stern upbringings without a lot of opportunities to do things outside the family. As parents, this manifested itself in two ways - my mom always wanted us to try new things and pursue every opportunity out there because she couldn't as a child. I was extremely shy so joining every club she wanted me to was excrutiatingly painful and I felt like I was disappointing her or shattering her dream every time I chickened out of some new adventure she offered to me. On the other hand, my dad felt like if his upbringing was good enough for him, then the same approach would be good enough for us. So we weren't allowed to go to camp, etc. This push-pull was hard on my parents' relationship and also hard on us as kids.

- Bad mouthing the other parent in front of the kids: When my parents' relationship started to deteriorate, both my parents tried not to badmouth the other around us but things always slipped out and this was very hard. I was old enough to recognize my parents' strengths and weaknesses so the things they said came as no surprise to me but they were reminders of the weak spots in my own character - ie. my mom blasting my dad's propensity to not follow through on promises only served to remind me that I inherited that streak from him and so my mom is going to grow to hate me too. I really disliked myself for a long time there because that period in our family served to expose not only my parents flaws but mine to because I felt like I had genetically inherited them all.

- Imposing a guilty conscience: I am working through this one right now so I really don't know what caused this but all of my siblings and I have this. We feel so guilty about everything all the time and such a constant sense of obligation to the world that it is sometimes paralyzing. I know it comes from my mom but I can't quite figure out what exactly she did or didn't do to give us this. I'm trying to figure it out so that my own kids are less burdened.


Wow - sorry for such a long reply! Great question, it really made me think!

[funkymamajoy]

Growing up, we were poor. The house was crowded and cluttered. I remember my mom yelling and I remember being spanked a few times.

But, overall, my childhood was happy. We ran and played. We had a lot of freedom. We were loved and listened to. We were surrounded by family. We spent a lot of time together, all of us.

[beanma]

I think the PP has a good point about being able to invite friends over without having to run around cleaning the house first. I'm not actually saying that you have to have a clean house at all, but you need to be comfortable enough with it to invite folks over. I know several moms who do not have well-organized spic and span houses, but they're comfortable enough that they don't mind if others see their chaos. I've gotten to that point myself, now, too. Housekeeping is always a battle for me, but I'm not going to let it interfere with my children's friendships. Usually it's not squalor so much as just disarray. I do try to keep the important things organized – keys go in a certain place, etc – but frequently art stuff, toys, and all of our papers explode all over the place.

Other than that, I think spending time and really listening and enjoying the kids is number one.

I think rituals are very important, too. We always go see the nutcracker every year and eat in the same restaurant before it. The kids really look forward to that.

I think spending some time with the kids doing what they want is important. I remember watching TV with my mom snuggled up on the couch with her. I remember baking cookies with her. Lots of Christmas memories. Extended family was a big part of my childhood memories, but I doubt if it will be huge for my kids. They don't really have cousins their age on either side. They do love their grandmas, though.

[LynnS6]

Stability.
Small rituals that are meaningful to the family.
A general routine so the kids know what to expect.
Time together as a family.
Give your child real responsibility.
Unconditional love.

Our house is cluttered, but generally clean (but it could be cleaner). Our house is also the house where a lot of the kids in the neighborhood chose to come to play right now. I think it's because they feel comfortable here, not because of how it looks. We do have enough space for them to play and that is necessary. But it's not huge.

Some specific things that my parents did:
-My mom told us the story of our birth every year on our birthday. In general, sharing family stories really helps.
-On our birthday, we got to choose the menu for dinner. (I always had shrimp creole.)
-We went camping and traveled as finances allowed. My parents didn't have a lot of money, so we didn't do a lot of museums or other experiences that cost money while I was young. But they did try to take a family vacation every year, and we went camping several times a year.
-Everyone in the family had jobs and had to work to keep the family going.

Just to note:
My parents yelled. They fought in front of us immaturely at times. They spanked my older siblings a lot, and me once or twice (the benefits of being the youngest!). Things were not always rosy. But the underlying fundamentals were there. My parents have a good relationship with all 5 of their grown children. All 5 of us have made good marriages (again, not perfect, but good marriages to good people).

[Storm Bride]

For me, at least:

Camping trips (2-3 weeks every summer...long trips, with 1-2 night stops along the way).
Blowing bubbles
Freedom to play on the swingset for hours.
Gardening with mom.
Baking with mom.
Being sung to every night at bedtime.
Trips to the dump/landfill with my dad (yeah - I know it's a bit weird).

Yearly rituals - for example, the Easter egg hunt in the living room, and making paper snowflakes near Christmas, and mom painting our faces at Halloween - all those things helped make me feel secure, and gave me a feeling of pleasant anticipation in the weeks leading up to those events.

Just skimmed a couple other replies. We were always able to bring friends over whenever we wanted to. My parents always accepted all of our friends (and a few of them were kids that many parents wouldn't allow in their homes). That meant a lot to me.

[Cascadian]

Boundaries. They gave me safety. As a child counsellor, I see the effect on kids who don't have healthy boundaries...they float all over the place.

Nature. My happiest and strongest childhood memories revolve around being in nature with my family, for some reason. Beaches, parks, etc.

[seaheroine]

Without reading any other replies first, I'd vote feeling safe.

[Storm Bride]

Other random thoughts.

A clean house didn't matter to any of us. Our home was never dirty, but it was always really cluttered (my mom and I are both the "never throw anything away, because it might be useful later" type, and my dad was a furniture mover who brought stuff home all the time...a stuffed goose, a set of Chinese chessmen, carved from some kind of stone...furniture, a bidet chair, an old war axe, etc. etc. etc.). We loved it, and felt totally comfortable there, as did our friends.

Mom used to walk the dog on some of the local trails, and we always went with her. It was wonderful - one of my best childhood memories.

Tide pools. The tide pools don't have as much life as they did when I was a kid, but I was absolutely fascinated watching the whole little world I could see trapped in a square foot or two of indentation in the rock. Mom and dad would let us watch them for hours when we were at the beach. We also loved turning over rocks to find crabs (we put them back after), looking for starfish and seashells, etc.

[Thalia the Muse]

Security -- knowing that your parents will take care of you and love you, no matter what.

Open Affection -- whether it's hugs or family jokes.

Shared Experiences -- Doesn't have to be expensive, but reading together, trips, family game nights, little rituals.

A Sense of Fun -- family jokes, nicknames, games the adults play with the children, or that the children play with each other.