teaching trust and teaching right from wrong

[justice'smom]

I want my kids to know they can trust me. I hope that some day when they are teenagers they will know that they can come to me and tell me anything. Okay, so here is the situation. My 5 yr old is going to school for the first time this year and he is being taught all the stuff I was hopeing he wouldn't learn. One day while I was picking him up from school, he saw a boy that was over weight and he started laughing and pointing and said, "look at that big fat boy mom". To say I was in shock is putting it lightly. I snapped at him because I was so hurt by the comment. Then I realized what I had done and asked him where he had learned that. He told me other kids at school were saying it. So, I explained it wasn't okay. On another occasion he told me at lunch a girl was putting paper and different things in her soup and that he was spitting in her soup. Then the next day he told me he got into trouble for spitting on a girl that was spitting on him. She is quite the bully as his teacher has told us, but I'm still not okay with him spitting on her. I'm not sure how to deal with these situations. I want him to know he can tell me things, but I feel like I can't just say nothing. So, basically as gently as possible I have been letting him know that those things aren't okay. I don't want him to feel like he can't tell me anything though. Is there something else I can do? Please help!

[justice'smom]

[rightkindofme]

This is tough. I would probably try to work on empathy with the kiddo. I would start by talking about times when he was made fun of/hurt and how does he like it? That sounds simplistic but I wouldn't know where else to start...

[nd_deadhead]

My twin boys are 15 years old, and they both trust me. They tell me things, even though they know I might not want to hear them.

What I'm hearing from you is that you are afraid that if you chastise your son for the actions he's telling you about, he will be afraid to tell you.

There are two things at issue here: one, his behavior at school, and two, his willingness to be honest about it. In our family, if one of the boys confessed to something he had done, the first thing I would say is a sincere "I'm glad you told me", accompanied by a hug. Being honest and truthful is huge.

The second part of that is to demonstrate honesty and truthfulness to him, even if it means you have to admit to doing something wrong! It's OK for little kids to see that their parents make mistakes - it offers them a chance to learn how adults deal with mistakes.

Next we'd address the behavior. I don't think there's much point in saying "Why did you do that?", but a 5-yr-old should be able to put himself in someone else's shoes and consider how his actions might make someone else feel. If he can't think of anything, you can offer suggestions, and discuss different possibilities. I would do all of this in a low-key, non-judgemental way.

If he agrees that his behavior migh make others feel bad, you can start working on ways to change the behavior. Work on "What do you think you could have said or done instead?" Or better yet (in the case of commenting on someone's weight), keep his ocmments to himself. It's OK to talk about it later, just not in earshot of the person (kids often have questions about people who are different, and that's OK).

I do want to assure you that your son's behavior isn't unusual for a 5-yr-old, especially if he is new to group dynamics. He'll figure it out, with your help. If you are concerned that his behavior might be a little bit beyond "typical 5-yr-old stuff", talk to his teacher.

[Mrsboyko]

I agree with the PP. One thing I might addis that on both curcumstances, waht is done is done. It is not like you can stop it from happening. So that means you can take your time to formulate a good response. I am big on opening my mouth before thinking, so I have been working on that. When he tells you about something upsetting, take a brath and look for empathy before "teaching him a lesson". He is 5, this is just the beginning of the school stuff. There is nothing learned now that can't be undone.

All of that said from a mom of a 3 y/o, so purely talking out if my butt probably.

[MrsH]

I agree with pps and also have been doing a lot of reading around these parts. We talk about the characters in the books and about their behavior, and what makes it ok/not ok, admirable or not. Our 7 year old still does things like what you're describing and I hate it, but we can usually talk about it at least. We also use the "I'm sure you could imagine what it would feel like if that happened to you" rather than making her tell us. Sometimes that makes it easier, and she does get it.

I'd love to hear from more parents of teenagers!