or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › People who feel they "have" to intervene
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

People who feel they "have" to intervene - Page 6

post #101 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnmama View Post
In this case, I would not even consider leaving my dc in a Sunday School class. I don't think the average sunday school volunteer would anticipate such a strong reaction, or would be prepared to deal with it. What if one of the other children pushed an issue in your absence?
I agree. If there's a fear that a child might respond with physical violence over what she is called, and doesn't yet have the control to not keep her hands off someone then mom staying iis definitely needed. I don't think that it would be the adult's fault if they didn't comply with a name choice and they were hit for it. And to be honest, if a child is still having trouble with having a physical reaction when things don't go their way, I'm not sure it's fair to the child to assume that that reaction will ONLY happen in the context of names.

DD will eventually get there. But until she does, kudos to the OP for acting to keep *everyone* safe, including her kiddo.
post #102 of 160
mammal-mama, I'm still reading this thread and I want to stress that I really think it's fantastic that you're so in-tune with your child!
post #103 of 160
No, you can't force anyone to call her Princess, but certainly, you can choose not to leave her in the care of someone who finds calling her Princess objectionable.

Or if you prefer, you can choose to refuse to call her Princess and let her know that she can pretend to be a princess, but she is a in fact a commoner.

I love those IKEA plates. We use the china ones from the toy area.
post #104 of 160
Thread Starter 
I think everyone has different perspectives, when it comes to which situations we think we should or shouldn't expect to have any control over. When in other's homes, I talk about how this isn't our house and if we want to stay, we need to follow the rules of our hosts.

Similarly, dd can play with her toys anytime she wants to at home. But when we're in church, those are the church's toys so we wait 'til after the story time.

And so on.

And of course if my children aren't happy in any given situation and want to leave, that is exercising our free choice to control the things that we can control.

I'm thinking that since I've already discussed things with both the director and the teacher, there's no need for me to keep going over and over it with them. They understand that I'm going to stay with dd for as long as she wants me to, and they've never expressed any problems with me being there --

And of course I'll be glad to let them run a background check on me if they ever decide that is necessary.

I've learned alot from this thread, such as the idea that some adults are actually concerned about children becoming confused if adults don't train them to use words like "pretending" during their imaginary play. And I think maybe this is where this teacher is getting hung up.

Also, I'm kind of an oddity in that I'm not all that hung up on the definition of the word "baby." I don't see anything wrong with a small child thinking of herself as "Baby." Of course little kids aren't tiny infants -- but a baby is a baby beyond infancy, and I actually think there's lots of overlap between the different stages of development.

This is why I see absolutely no need to argue the point, or make absolutely sure that dd knows she isn't "really" a baby ... I kinda think she still IS a baby in some ways, and not so much in others ... and I believe she'll figure out that she isn't a baby, at the exact moment when she is ready to move on from being a baby.
post #105 of 160
Thread Starter 
lotusdebi, thank you so much again for all your support!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
I agree. If there's a fear that a child might respond with physical violence over what she is called, and doesn't yet have the control to not keep her hands off someone then mom staying iis definitely needed. I don't think that it would be the adult's fault if they didn't comply with a name choice and they were hit for it. And to be honest, if a child is still having trouble with having a physical reaction when things don't go their way, I'm not sure it's fair to the child to assume that that reaction will ONLY happen in the context of names.
Maybe I wasn't clear enough. Dd has lots better impulse-control than she did in the past, so I don't believe she would automatically jump to physical violence.

She WOULD be more likely to express anger verbally, though, than to just calmly re-state what she wants to be called and ignore people until they called her that.

And if the adult decided to get down and argue about it with her at face-to-face level, at this point she just might haul off and slap 'em.

I didn't mean to give the impression that she just jumps straight into a physically-violent reaction -- because she really doesn't do that anymore.

But I certainly agree that it's a good idea for me to keep on staying with her.
post #106 of 160
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
DD will eventually get there. But until she does, kudos to the OP for acting to keep *everyone* safe, including her kiddo.
Thank you!
post #107 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
And if the adult decided to get down and argue about it with her at face-to-face level, at this point she just might haul off and slap 'em.
But most adults who work with children are *encouraged* to get down to a face to face level when interacting with children, to be respectful and/or less intimidating than bending down on high.

So I would say that would be a concern, and not one the other adult would likely anticipate.
post #108 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
And if the adult decided to get down and argue about it with her at face-to-face level, at this point she just might haul off and slap 'em.


So if an adult did what is the most recommended way to have a respectful conversation with a child, which is to get down on their level and actually talk to them... Your child, at 4.5yo, would hit them?

It sounds like it is a good idea that you stay with her.
post #109 of 160
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JL83 View Post


So if an adult did what is the most recommended way to have a respectful conversation with a child, which is to get down on their level and actually talk to them... Your child, at 4.5yo, would hit them?
No, of course she wouldn't hit them if they got down on her level to have a respectful conversation with her. She loves attention, she loves talking to others. Nothing would make her happier than for an adult to get down on her level, and play or interact with her in a respectful and friendly way.

I was talking about the hypothetical situation of some adult getting down there to push whatever issues THEY have with dd's chosen name -- not about respectful conversation.

And obviously the previous situation didn't escalate to the point of dd becoming violent -- so I'm not assuming that it's a "given" than she would hit someone over this. I'm just saying that it's possible, which is one reason why upon learning that this teacher has more issues, regarding respecting my child, than I'd previously realized, I know that I definitely need to keep staying with her.

Quote:
It sounds like it is a good idea that you stay with her.
Thank you.
post #110 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post

And if the adult decided to get down and argue about it with her at face-to-face level, at this point she just might haul off and slap 'em.
Yikes. It sounds like she doesn't hear "no" enough, if she gets that enraged at being told "no" by other adults. I think it's healthy for kids to know that everything doesn't necessarily revolve around them.
post #111 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLotus View Post
Yikes. It sounds like she doesn't hear "no" enough, if she gets that enraged at being told "no" by other adults. I think it's healthy for kids to know that everything doesn't necessarily revolve around them.
There are many reasons that kids lose their tempers and react aggressively. Not being told "no" enough is only one of them.
post #112 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLotus View Post
Yikes. It sounds like she doesn't hear "no" enough, if she gets that enraged at being told "no" by other adults. I think it's healthy for kids to know that everything doesn't necessarily revolve around them.
It might not be that she doesn't hear "no" enough, but that "no" makes her feel powerless and makes her react. I have 4 kids and with them, it's been my experience that the more powerless they feel, for whatever reason, the more aggressive they are. Hearing "no" and feeling like you're suddenly powerless can cause some children to go over the edge.

My first child almost never heard the word "no" and he never threw any tantrums, ever. It's not about how often the child is told "no."

Maybe this child needs some more power in some way. I'm constantly reminding my older children not to "parent" my 4yo and to be conscious of making him feel small and inferior. He reacts to those feelings with aggression. Telling him "no" more often wouldn't help him, but helping him feel more capable and important does help him.
post #113 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
I was talking about the hypothetical situation of some adult getting down there to push whatever issues THEY have with dd's chosen name -- not about respectful conversation.

And obviously the previous situation didn't escalate to the point of dd becoming violent -- so I'm not assuming that it's a "given" than she would hit someone over this. I'm just saying that it's possible, which is one reason why upon learning that this teacher has more issues, regarding respecting my child, than I'd previously realized, I know that I definitely need to keep staying with her.
I think perhaps this is the difference in how I view the situation. It sounds as if you and your dd view disagreeing as necessarily disrespectful. The idea that the teacher "has more issues" isn't one I completely understand. I can disagree about a point with someone without it affecting my view of this person overall, especially when I'm using my 4YO's perception of what happened to make those decisions.
post #114 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades View Post
I think perhaps this is the difference in how I view the situation. It sounds as if you and your dd view disagreeing as necessarily disrespectful. The idea that the teacher "has more issues" isn't one I completely understand. I can disagree about a point with someone without it affecting my view of this person overall, especially when I'm using my 4YO's perception of what happened to make those decisions.
I agree with this. Just because I disagree with someone doesn't mean there is any disrespect involved.
post #115 of 160
The bottom line is the teacher knew the mom wanted her DD request to be called baby honoured, called her baby several times in the moms presence, and waited until the mother was out of the room to dishonour the request.

Now the SS teacher may have had very good reasons why she was not OK with calling the OP's DD "baby" - but the person to bring it up with is the mother-especially as a precedent of the mother being approachable/involved and honouring her DD's "baby - name" request had been set.
post #116 of 160
Thread Starter 
The suggestion that I view someone holding a different opinion from me as disrespectful, really strikes a chord with me.

And I hope I'm not going too off-topic here, but it really reminds me of something my mom said to me a while back, because she disagrees with my decision not to be in contact with a relative who called Children's Services on me.

My mom said, "People have a right to disagree with you, Susan. You can't control other people!"

And this just seemed so turned-around to me. Since prior to the call, I'd listened to this person's views about some of my parenting choices, and respectfully shared why I disagreed. And just went on doing what I was doing.

I wasn't breaking contact with her because I felt she had no right to disagree with me about my homeschooling -- I broke contact after it became clear that she wanted to involve the authorities in order to force her opinion on me.

I know this situation is a lot more extreme than the one we are talking about on this thread. But it honestly seems to me like there is a common theme. I could TELL that the woman disagreed with my choice to call my child Baby. It was obvious that this was never-in-a-million-years what she would choose to do with one of her own children.

I seriously, truly, had no problem with the fact that she held a different opinion than me. It became a problem when she tried to take things up with my child. And I'm cool with giving her the benefit-of-the-doubt. And not assuming that it was definitely a "get the momma out of the way and then I'll get this child in line"-type scenario.

I want a friendly relationship with the woman. And my daughter enjoys Sunday School and Children's Chapel, so we plan to keep going. I'll stay with dd for as long as she needs me.

True, I think the woman has some issues. But it wouldn't surprise me at all if SHE thinks that I have some issues. We have a right to disagree, and we have a right to think that some other people have some issues.
post #117 of 160
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
Maybe this child needs some more power in some way. I'm constantly reminding my older children not to "parent" my 4yo and to be conscious of making him feel small and inferior. He reacts to those feelings with aggression. Telling him "no" more often wouldn't help him, but helping him feel more capable and important does help him.
I have sometimes had to intervene when she and her older sister are playing, because sometimes Big Sister has tried to talk her into picking another name besides Baby.

And what's rough is that Baby enjoys playing with Big Sis so much, and Big Sis has sometimes tried to make her playing with Baby conditional on Baby agreeing to go by another name while they are playing. So I've told my older dd that it's totally up to her if she wants to play with her little sister -- but if she does then no threats of "I'll stop playing with you unless you do X."

Just play if you want to stay, and stop if you want to stop (though it's nice when she's willing to give her little sister some advance warning rather than stopping cold turkey of course).

I think Big Sis finally "gets it" that these manipulations just upset Baby and increase her determination that she is Baby. Because it hasn't come up for a while.

But, having read your post, chaoticzenmom, I'm realizing that these interactions with her sister may very well have caused dd to feel even more strongly that letting go of the name "Baby" means letting go of her power and letting others run her life.

Again, it seems to come back to just leaving her alone about the issue and allowing it to become a non-issue. This seems the best way to make her feel capable and important, because it shows that her communications are being respected. And then there are many other ways that she can grow and feel more capable. And pretty soon it will be a non-issue.
post #118 of 160
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLotus View Post
Yikes. It sounds like she doesn't hear "no" enough, if she gets that enraged at being told "no" by other adults. I think it's healthy for kids to know that everything doesn't necessarily revolve around them.
How is calling someone what they want to be called, communicating that the world revolves around them?
post #119 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
How is calling someone what they want to be called, communicating that the world revolves around them?
I guess I just don't expect people to call me what I want to be called. Not if it makes them uncomfortable. Right now I would love to be called "Ms" since I am leaving my husband, but I don't feel disrespected when people still refer to me as "Mrs".
post #120 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLotus View Post
Yikes. It sounds like she doesn't hear "no" enough, if she gets that enraged at being told "no" by other adults. I think it's healthy for kids to know that everything doesn't necessarily revolve around them.
May I recommend to you that you consider reading The Explosive Child, the Highly Sensitive Child, Raising Your Spirited Child and The Out of Sync Child?

There are a host of reasons a 4.year.old.child might have difficulty controlling herself beside "not hearing 'no' enough" or not "know[ing] that everything doesn't necessarily revolve around them."
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › People who feel they "have" to intervene