"If you just weaned her, it would solve so many of our problems!"

[zwitterion]

Sigh. DH and I would like a second child--our DD is 17 months and still nursing--but my fertility is not back to normal yet. I have had some bait-and-switch situations where it looked like I ovulated and then didn't, and I think I've ovulated twice, maybe three times. I am in the middle of a did-I-or-didn't-I situation right now that has wreaked havoc on my emotions (still don't know what's going on), and I hadn't been discussing it with DH because he has enough stress right now. I finally told him about it on Friday because I was particularly crushed that day, and he was supportive, but then he dropped the line above. So I asked, a bit hurt, which problems these were. Besides the fertility issue, he thinks she would sleep better at night, not interrupt long car trips and visits at friends' and family's houses, not have as many tantrums, not try to pull my breast out of my shirt at the grocery store, eat her vegetables, etc. etc. Frankly, I think nursing her keeps these things better; I have a way to get her to sleep happily when she wakes, nursing helps calm and center her when she's out of her element at other people's houses, nursing nips bad tantrums in the bud or at least reconnects us when we are both frazzled with each other, gets her nutrition when she *won't* eat her veggies, etc. I really do see an immediate change in her mood after she nurses--she goes from cranky to happy in a heartbeat--and she is very attached to her nursies. I do not want to wean her, and even DH admits that while he may choose something else, it really is between me and DD, but I have to wonder if he has a point. And I really do long for another child--it's starting to get bad emotionally. Have you had these doubts? How do you come to terms with them, especially when you are surrounded by people who wonder why you continue?

I must admit that I do have the support of a sister-in-law and a sister who both breastfed at least to two years, and I have the warm support of my LLL group, as well, so I'm not totally alone on this, but I don't see the supportive people very often.

[tanyam926]

You are right, he is wrong. Nursing is a way that your BABY (she is still a baby at only 17 months) can make sense of the world around her and it really is a NEED right now.

Do you think that maybe your body isn't ready to get pg right now and maybe you should hold off for a little while? Sometimes letting go of something, of the stress of wanting and not getting, is just what your mind and your body needs to get pg again. (Only you know, just a suggestion ).

My "baby" is 15 months and I am amazed at just how much of a baby he still is. He's getting bigger every day but still needs to nurse just as much as he did when he was tiny.

I just wanted to send encouragement your way, hang in there!

[crunchy_mommy]

Well my DS is going on 11mos so I don't have the experience you do but I still feel I understand where you're coming from. I don't know a single person who nursed as long as I have... my own mom who nursed 4 kids with no bottles says we all self-weaned around 9-10 months. So I am nervous going into our second year that I'm going to be getting a lot of flack from everyone!! But DH is 100% supportive of extended nursing (took a lot of educating him on my part but he's totally on board now) and that I think will make all the difference for me. You need to get your DH on board if possible!!!

My DS is sooo high-needs and the worst sleeper ever and I know a lot of people blame all his little issues on my continued nursing. But I know in my heart that nursing is the only thing that makes sense for him. I know without it, getting him to sleep would be nearly impossible. Without it, he'd definitely need some nutritional supplements. Without it, he'd cry 10 times as long and 100 times as hard. Without it, those long car trips would seem even longer....

We are also TTC #2 and it's crazy, I just got my cycles back but they are way off and I know it will be awhile before they're back on track, plus I'm worried if I DO get pregnant soon, what if I lose my milk before DS is on more solids???

So I know my DS is still young but I have felt most of the feelings you describe... my advice is, look into your heart and find what I think you already know. Then you just have to convince everyone else -- or ignore everyone else!

[zwitterion]

Originally Posted by tanyam926

Do you think that maybe your body isn't ready to get pg right now and maybe you should hold off for a little while? Sometimes letting go of something, of the stress of wanting and not getting, is just what your mind and your body needs to get pg again. (Only you know, just a suggestion ).

Thanks for your input! I am trying to take this attitude, but I've never been good with delayed gratification. And we certainly do have a lot of stress this month--holidays, a move, work-related stress--so that's surely not helping matters. You are right, I do need to relax a bit.

I also wanted to say that I agree--and told DH (who also agreed)--that if DD is still nursing enough that it is keeping me from being fertile, it may well be a sign that she's not ready to give up as much attention as a little sibling would require. My biggest rush is my age (32, not so old, but not so young, either) and possibly wanting more than two kids.

crunchy_mommy - just because your son is younger, it doesn't mean you can't feel the same way! I'm right with you on the worry about losing my milk, too. DD would eat enough solids that she'd do well enough there, but I really do think she still needs her nursies for other reasons yet.

Thanks again for your encouragement! Maybe my overly emotional wistfulness for another baby is a sign of AF coming soon.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by zwitterion

if DD is still nursing enough that it is keeping me from being fertile, it may well be a sign that she's not ready to give up as much attention as a little sibling would require

That's such a good point!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to remember that myself

[Peony]

Nursing just isn't a way a feeding a child but a way of parenting. You've experienced that while nursing her to stop a tantrum, etc... When you wean, you lose that magic fix and must learn way to do all these things. Eventually as the child matures, nursing doesn't fix all these things, but other solutions come easier as need be. Weaning speeds up that process, but the child might not be there yet emotionally.



As far as the fertility goes, you've already said the answer, sometimes there is a reason why we can't get pg when we want to, our body is smarter then our baby fever. It isn't easy when you want another child, BTDT, but eventually it does come.

[pacificbliss]

Hmm, well, if sleep at night has been an issue you can try night weaning. We did that at 18 months and DS did sleep better. He took to it right away though, if it had been a fight we would have stopped trying and gave it another shot later. It does not mean you have to completely wean. So that might be a good compromise. Reduced nursing sessions might return your cycle to normal too. Although I agree with pp who said it might be your body telling it's not time yet.
As for the braggy hands weaning DID NOT stop DS from reaching into my short, or any of his caregivers for that matter. They are a comfort to him I guess so if someone he loved picked him up his hand went down the shirt.

Good luck!

[nina_yyc]

I wouldn't wean unless you're totally ready. Weaning a toddler gently can be a slow, frustrating process.

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

He's totally wrong, just stick with what you know is right, your connection to your little girl. Maybe not worry about the ovulation so much and just relax and DTD when you're in the mood, it will happen for you.

[noobmom]

Originally Posted by zwitterion

Besides the fertility issue, he thinks she would sleep better at night, not interrupt long car trips and visits at friends' and family's houses, not have as many tantrums, not try to pull my breast out of my shirt at the grocery store, eat her vegetables, etc. etc.

Not to say that pacifers and loveys are equivalent to nursing, but would your DH suggest taking away these comfort measures to solve his list of perceived problems? If your DD had bottles of milk, would he take those away to get her to eat vegetables? Really, it just doesn't make sense to me. The only one I could see that weaning might help with is the pulling your shirt up one, but even that can be taken care of without weaning.

If my DH suggested that weaning would help with sleeping better at night, I would offer to let him handle all the night wakings for a while. Either it helps or it doesn't, but either way I'd get more sleep.

[zwitterion]

I am not at all going to wean her--at least, not for a long time. I've been thinking about this, and I think DH's issue really comes down to the fact that I can nurse her and he can't; it's a bond that he can't have and I think he is jealous of on a subconscious level. For example, tonight DD fell and bumped her head, and she came to me crying. He wanted to hold her and hug her and she said, "no!" and clung to me. I could see the hurt in his eyes. I don't think he consciously wants to interrupt that bond, but I know he feels badly that she prefers me right now, and part of that is nursing. I don't even think he's aware of the possible connection between his interest in me weaning her and his hurt at me being the "go-to" parent.

He has come a long way, though--he used be one of the ones who say "If they can ask for it, they're too old for it!" He really is a great daddy and supportive husband, and I think his sensitivity is coming through for this.

I really appreciate all of your input. It's great to have support like this!

[anotherpeanut]

I agree with what pretty much everybody else said but also wanted to remind you that you have control over the nursing situation as well. I think sometimes we forget that we are allowed to put limits on how often or where or what situations require nursing our kids (especially those of us that nurse for longer periods of time) if we choose to (not because of pressure from anyone else, just due plain and simple to our comfort levels or wants and needs). It may sound selfish but toddlers are demanding little buggers and I think it's important to make sure both parties are happy! And you seem happy so I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. Also, fertility is a tricky little thing...I am not a fertile mama, it took me 9 months of serious trying to get pregs with #1 (at 27), this time around while still nursing several times a day I got pregnant after 1 month of not paying attention (at 29)! So like some of the others said maybe just relax and let your current kiddo do what she needs to do for awhile and check back in in a few months...see how everyone's feeling etc. Good luck, you aren't alone

[Tjej]

I am currently nursing our 2yo. I think that you could satisfy yourself and your DH if you considered setting some limits on nursing and finding other ways of comfort that your DH CAN provide. Nursing doesn't have to be "on demand anytime" or "nothing". There are many levels of in-between, and I find that for toddler nursing a place in-between is a very nice place to be.

We personally nightweaned and I also expect DS to be polite - no grabbing my breasts for nursing, he asks nicely. He always says it now when he asks, but before he could do that he would do the ASL sign for "milk". For injuries and the like, I personally use nursing as a last resort and snuggling/kisses as the first resort. Any alternate caregiver can snuggle and kiss. It isn't the same as Mama, but it does and can work.

Do you go out and leave your child with your DH? If not, that could be something your DH would like. He could build a relationship and way to comfort your child on his own.

HTH

Tjej