Homeschooling & family boundaries

[BennyPai]

I am new to homeschooling. My girls and I started in October, following a traumatic experience in public school.(Older kids teasing my 5-yr-old)

This was a difficult decision for me, as DD was enjoying school and otherwise doing well, and our younger dd in Pre-K was having a great time as well and asks about it regularly. Still, I have made every effort to make the most of our time together, and we've been having fun.
However, I have definitely felt disapproval from extended family, especially my two MILs (DP has step-parents). Some family members already have formed opinions on us based on our other decisions that are not "mainstream," such as choosing not to vaccinate, homebirth, co-sleeping, etc.

The first weekend we visited one of dds' grandparents, we went out to breakfast and MIL decided to pull out a 1st grade workbook and do math at the table in the diner. She was introducing new concepts and skipping around. I wanted to take the book and enjoy our visit, but didn't want to be rude. DP and I are DD's teachers, not MIL. I am nervous about overwhelming DD. SHe is in kindergarten, after all.

Dd had her 6th birthday last week, and my other MIL sent DD a package. It contained two kindergarten workbooks. Not wrapped. No card. This is not the usual type of gift she receives for her birthdays from DP's parents. No one asked DP or me if we approved of these particular books.

Any advice from seasoned homeschoolers? WWYD?

[kittie313]

I'd flat out call her on it and make it clear what the boundaries are. If she then plows through them, I'd make it clear of the consequences. But then, I don't like when people try to dictate how we raise our girls here, and I am very clear about it. My mom recently figured out that the kids are homeschooled and not in a private school, and I think the fact that I chose to not say anything to her at all about it really drove home my point that I didn't want her spouting her opinions and sending workbooks and such without my asking first. My own MIL still sighs and says that she wished that we would put our girls in a real school, but she doesn't really do much else and that is a rare thing for her to do now that the whole H1N1 freakout has begun (sorry, not concerned about the virus, flame away if you want!)

But this is just me and my own family, they all know me well enough to know that I am very blunt and straight up with things, I am not a tactful person at all normally. lol So I get a lot of leeway when telling people things like that, and they tend to be a bit more thick-skinned with me than with others.

[elizawill]

your MIL is probably well-intentioned. it certainly doesn't make it okay, but i would address it with the attitude that she probably means well.

homeschooling in the beginning always seems to have some adjustments, and how to respond to family and friends is often one of them. i would let your DP address this particular issue, as it is his mother and would probably be better received coming from him (at least that's how it would be in my own family). imho, he should create and enforce boundaries with his family.

btw - i followed your previous thread & i am so glad you are homeschooling. it broke my heart to read about your little girl's experience.

hugs to you. hth.

[BennyPai]

thanks for the fast responses.
I agree with you, Kittie313, that I need to make our boundaries clear.
Elizawill - thanks for the hugs, and you are right about these things being taken better from DP, especially with his mother.

DP and I will need to decide exactly where the boundaries are and make sure we are on the same page before we approach his family. There are some areas of expertise that I would welcome their involvement.

I do appreciate that they seem to be trying to help. I think DD was confused about her birthday present, but I am sure she will enjoy it, as worksheets, or her "Kindergarten pages," as she calls them, are her favorite.

[AAK]

Originally Posted by elizawill

your MIL is probably well-intentioned. it certainly doesn't make it okay, but i would address it with the attitude that she probably means well.

homeschooling in the beginning always seems to have some adjustments, and how to respond to family and friends is often one of them. i would let your DP address this particular issue, as it is his mother and would probably be better received coming from him (at least that's how it would be in my own family). imho, he should create and enforce boundaries with his family.

I agree that it is most likely well-intentioned. Perhaps, they want to be supportive, but don't know how to help? Maybe they think of this as a "village" to teach a child opportunity? Or maybe they are being snotty, but I doubt it. Whatever the case, I would address it as if you believe that they are trying to help. I might say, "thanks for the workbooks--would you like a list of materials we are hoping to use". Or "thanks for the workbooks, but in the future could you run it by us first--now that we are homeschooling we are getting a lot of materials and I would rather we not duplicate".

My experience with workbooks that are "general" workbooks is that they are kinda lame. We do use them on occasion. I have one dd who LOVES them and wants them all the time. Another that wouldn't touch them--even the ones that simply have kids place stickers in the right spots. My kids use them in their pretend play as well.

Amy

[ocelotmom]

Originally Posted by AAK

I agree that it is most likely well-intentioned. Perhaps, they want to be supportive, but don't know how to help? Maybe they think of this as a "village" to teach a child opportunity? Or maybe they are being snotty, but I doubt it. Whatever the case, I would address it as if you believe that they are trying to help. I might say, "thanks for the workbooks--would you like a list of materials we are hoping to use". Or "thanks for the workbooks, but in the future could you run it by us first--now that we are homeschooling we are getting a lot of materials and I would rather we not duplicate".

I agree about that. I think the easiest way to keep family harmony is probably redirection.

Another example: If she's pulling out the first grade workbooks, say "Oh, thanks for your help! Would you mind going over this with her? She could use some work on that," and provide something more appropriate, like something she's been exposed to before but that she needs some more practice with.

Of course, if you really don't want her involved at all, that's perfectly valid too. And it obviously assumes she's actually trying to help/be involved, and is willing to be redirected.

[OTMomma]

My family has given us many work books and "school supplies" that are not my style- I just nicely accept them, say thank you, and put them on the shelf- if dd ever wants to do them, they are available.

I think to the workbook in the dinner siutation- I would have said "Wow, you came prepared for a long wait! Can I see the book?" I then would have offered dd some crayons and paper to draw with while I looked over the book- probably continuing to look until the food arrived. I would then later have DH talk to her about how you have a curriculum you are happy with (even if you are unschooling) and that you are concerned that introducing topics out of the order you have planned will confuse dd. He can thank her for her desire to help educate your dd, and if she actually is interested, suggest a positive way she can contribute- like taking dd to a museum with her, or teaching her about a hobby or skill MIL has and enjoys- cooking, sewing, bird watching, whatever.

[FireWithin]

I'm not sure if she is well intentioned, but I would approach it that way. I would thank her for her attempts to get involved and give her suggestions on what she can do in the future. I would emphasize the beauty of homeschooling in a village type of approach, and talk about how wonderful it would be to have grandma share some of her own knowledge - such as age appropriate cooking, sewing, gardening, etc. We have my inlaws informally involved in this way. FIL sends newspaper clippings about space to my son. THey often talk about nature. They take his learning seriously and enjoy exploring the world with him. I would also emphasize that you , the main teacher, will be doing the 3Rs since it is sequential, and can be confusing if it is jumped around, but if she would be interested in being involved with all the extra fun stuff, it would be wonderful!

[mamaofthree]

both families did similar things with us in the beginning... then dd said to my dad "yiou never quized me when i was in school" and my dad stopped. lol
i pretty much said they needed to mind their own business (nicely, but still i am not ok with them whipping out workbooks. just because we homeschool doesn't mean the kids can't have a fun meal with grandma without doing school work. i 100% believe that they are learning all the time, but it isn't always in workbooks, textbooks, and whatever people "think" school should be. )

good luck. maybe having dh talk to his peps would be best. get everone on the same page. and call grandma on the crappy gift. nothing wrong with educational stuff, but you know eye witness has great books and there all are sort of cool games and things, school work does not (and should not) be just workbooks.

h

[meetoo]

I would give her a list of homeschool things you would actually like her to buy.

[shoefairy3]

Originally Posted by Mammo2Sammo

I'm not sure if she is well intentioned, but I would approach it that way. I would thank her for her attempts to get involved and give her suggestions on what she can do in the future. I would emphasize the beauty of homeschooling in a village type of approach, and talk about how wonderful it would be to have grandma share some of her own knowledge - such as age appropriate cooking, sewing, gardening, etc. We have my inlaws informally involved in this way. FIL sends newspaper clippings about space to my son. THey often talk about nature. They take his learning seriously and enjoy exploring the world with him. I would also emphasize that you , the main teacher, will be doing the 3Rs since it is sequential, and can be confusing if it is jumped around, but if she would be interested in being involved with all the extra fun stuff, it would be wonderful!

this is what I was going to suggest

[prothyraia]

Create an amazon wishlist (or some other easily accessible type of thing) with supplies and materials you actually want.

And the suggestion to direct the grandparents towards age-appropriate life skills is spot-on!

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by meetoo

I would give her a list of homeschool things you would actually like her to buy.

That is totally what I'd suggest Create wish lists on amazon, rainbow resources and lakeshore learning and send along the account info to them since she is so obviously interested in helping with school supplies

Hubby's nana forever asks the boys how school is going and tries to subtley quizz them and such. The kids are oblivious thankfully, and zip off to do whatever they were doing DH and I have been politely shutting down the topic.. well until last week, when dh outright told her they were still hs'ing and would continue to do so and that their learning was going fabulously, as usual. Politely said of course, as hubby loves his nan, but she is misplacing her boundaries a bit as she gets older and a tad dotty (she's in her mid 80s)

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by elizawill

your MIL is probably well-intentioned. it certainly doesn't make it okay, but i would address it with the attitude that she probably means well.

I agree. I'd probably let it go. It's not worth it to start something with them. I'm sure they mean well.

I would love it if our parents would give our children any type of learning toys or books for Cmas and birthdays. They always give them useless toys and really don't respect our home schooling choices.