Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit
My mother used to always say to me, "If someone was criticizing me, it would just make me work harder to prove them wrong." Or something to that effect, especially when my parents had gotten finished yelling at me about what a f***-up I was and I started to get defensive or even started crying.
Used to make me so angry. But now I'm wondering, are there people like that, that have parents or even teachers/other authority figures who have basically torn them down to build them up, and it worked? I think one would have to have a really instrinsic sense of self-worth to get up and keep on chugging along time after time of someone beating you down (mentally that is).
I think that it can, "work" to motivate a child to perform to a parents' expectations. The problem is, that I think the parents sacrifice their relationship with their child. Most ppl I know who went through this and survived, resent their parents now that they are adults. Another PP mentioned this before too. I guess the parents see this as, "tough love," but to me, it's borderline child abuse.
It's hard to walk away from this kind of upbringing w/o emotional/mental baggage. Even though my own father was brought up this way, I can tell that it negatively affected him and really screwed him up. The biggest difference is that he continued the cycle with his own children, thinking that this was the, "right" way to parent. While I have decided I will not continue this sort of toxic parenting style with my kids. My kids getting a perfect SAT score and going to an ivy league college is not my life goal, as it was for my parents. So, maybe they are justified in their own minds to feel angry that none of their 3 children achieved this goal (although, give me a break, how unrealistic of a goal is this???). I want my kids to be, "successful" in life. However, my definition of success means that they will be able to flourish in a career that they enjoy while making a decent living at doing it, be well rounded, kind and I want them to be happy most of all. Things like 4.0+ GPAs, being spelling bee champion, perfect SAT scores, being a piano prodigy and admission to an ivy league institution are not my idea of, "success." In fact, what is so bizarre is that my parents do know ppl who met all of the above and they were surprised when these ppl did not go on to make gobs of $. Since to my parents, a big part of, "success" means material wealth. Somehow or another, they just feel that this is some sort of mathematical equation that if you do these things, you are guaranteed success. They do not make the association that nerds, while very, "smart" academically, often struggle IRL due to lack of social skills and that no matter how well educated they are, top scores do not automatically mean that you get the top position and top pay. To this day, my parents still have not figured this out. My own father, a pediatrician, is not, "successful." He has social problems, and he complains ALL.OF.THE.TIME how unfair it is that other pediatricians he knows who went to, "worse" medical schools than he did, have a much busier medical practice than he does. The nurses all hate him, the other doctors hate him too, the pharmacists can't stand him, b/c they read his handwriting and if they call him to clarify a script, he screams at them. He is unable to make the association that just b/c he is a doctor, that it doesn't mean he gets an automatic ticket on the success train. His personality, arrogance and lack of social ability have crippled his success, but even after 40 yrs he cannot see this. He blames it on everyone else instead, b/c he doesn't want to believe that social skills are more important than a piece of paper that says he is a MD.