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dealing with a partner who hasn't come around - Page 2

post #21 of 41
When I was first pregnant with DD I was in a similar position of trying to decide between termination, adoption, and keeping the baby. One of the most helpful things for me was visiting Planned Parenthood. I know some people have had bad experiences with PP, I had a very good experience. They gave me information on abortion, what it would be like, what my options were at that point, how much it would cost etc. They gave me information about adoption and a list of adoption agencies in my area. And they also gave me a lot of information about resources I could use if I was going to keep the baby (ie how to get on the medicaid program, social assistance, etc). No one pushed me in any one direction they just had a lot of wonderful information. I have always felt that going there helped me ultimately make the decision to keep my DD-which has proven over and over again to be the right decision for me.

I would encourage you to visit your local Planned Parenthood just so you can find out about what services are available to you whatever decision you might make. If you are a student you might also be able to visit your student health center and they might also be able to help you out and find out if the university offers any programs that might help you-you might qualify for family housing or daycare programs and who knows what else.

Also, the best piece of advice I ever received while I was "Any decision will come with regrets." There's really no way around it. Even if you keep the baby you may miss the freedom you had before you had a child, or think about how much easier it might have been to get a degree if you didn't have a child to care for (I'm not at all trying to persuade you against keeping the baby, it's just that the regrets surrounding termination and adoption are more obvious than those associated with raising a child-and don't get me wrong raising a child is incredible and there are so many fantastic, wonderful moments, but it is hard and you do give up a lot). I just would recommend getting as much information as possible about all of your options so you are making a choice based on the facts rather than on fears that may or may not be founded.

Hugs to you! Believe me, I know what an impossible decision it is to make when any choice you make will be the hardest thing you ever have to do I'm sending you lots of good vibes!
post #22 of 41
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the love, everyone. It has been a very hard decision to reach, but I decided to choose termination. I realized that I would like to have my life in a much more stable position (like being able to stand on my own two feet financially, etc.) before having a baby. I know that things might completely turn around tomorrow, but right now, my life is very shambled. It was also very difficult for me to get dp to stand behind me, especially after the fight with my family.
I believe it would certainly be better if I was more financially independent and had a decent job, and I had solid emotional support from my entire family+dp.

I feel alot better now though, and I feel I am making the best decision for myself and for the baby.

dp said that he would really like us to be married and even own a house, and this whole experience makes him realize he does want to have children, but in a few short years.

i hope i will be back soon *hugs*
post #23 of 41
post #24 of 41
Please, please consider adoption for your child. Terminating a life is not something you want on you to live with, especially if you have children in the future and realize what you have done.

There are many many couples out there looking to adopt, give your baby that chance before you terminate for your own convenience.
post #25 of 41
Sending lots of hugs and good wishes your way. It sounds like a tough decision that feels right to you. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be unexpectedly pregnant with an unsupportive partner - even being pregnant with a wanted child/ house/ supportive husband is such a huge thing that I feel it has only made me more pro choice (as much as I love my baby, I believe that you have the right to control what purpose your body serves reproductively, and that no woman should have to go through with a pregnancy without wanting to).
Adoption is certainly a wonderful option, but carrying a child in your body for those 9 months is no small thing, physically or psychologically.
It does sound, from another poster's comments, that Planned Parenthood would be a good place to start in order to get the support, information and advice you would need to go any of the routes available to you (keeping the baby, adoption, or abortion). I hope that you get lots of love and support no matter how things turn out - and that your partner "comes around" to helping you do whatever feels most right for you in your life.
post #26 of 41
I feel like you will make the decision that is right for you. No decision will be easy.

I did, however, want to tell you that in 1996 I was in a similar situation. I had an incredibly unsupportive partner and family when I found myself pregnant. I chose to have my son, and I went it alone. I've never regretted that decision. I was 20 at the time. It was a heartwrenching, painful, miserable time and I had to let go of the fantasy of being in love with the idea of my then-partner.

I finished college, got a job, met my husband, got married and had three more boys. There can be a good outcome if you choose not to terminate.

If you do choose to terminate, I think you really must reevaluate your relationship with your boyfriend. Is this the person you WANT to be partnered to?

Good luck to you. Such a difficult place you are in, and I can sympathize with you completely.
post #27 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by prancie View Post
Please, please consider adoption for your child. Terminating a life is not something you want on you to live with, especially if you have children in the future and realize what you have done.

There are many many couples out there looking to adopt, give your baby that chance before you terminate for your own convenience.
I just wanted to chime in...

I had an abortion when I was 18. It was a very hard decision to make but here I am 13 years later with two children, a third on the way, and 4 surrogate children that I've given birth to, and I can honestly say I do not regret the decision I made 13 years ago. I knew then and I still know now that it was the right decision for me. I just wanted Crystalface to know that there can be positive experiences of abortion too.

(I really hope no one takes that the wrong way. I don't mean that abortion is a happy joyful experience, just that it can be and is the right decision for some woman to make and she may not go on to regret her decision for the rest of her life even after she has kids)

Good luck, Crystalface! I hope we see you around here when you're truly ready!
post #28 of 41
's mama. I PMing you.
post #29 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by bohemama View Post
I just wanted to chime in...

I had an abortion when I was 18. It was a very hard decision to make but here I am 13 years later with two children, a third on the way, and 4 surrogate children that I've given birth to, and I can honestly say I do not regret the decision I made 13 years ago. I knew then and I still know now that it was the right decision for me. I just wanted Crystalface to know that there can be positive experiences of abortion too.

(I really hope no one takes that the wrong way. I don't mean that abortion is a happy joyful experience, just that it can be and is the right decision for some woman to make and she may not go on to regret her decision for the rest of her life even after she has kids)

Good luck, Crystalface! I hope we see you around here when you're truly ready!


Abortion is not a decision to be taken lightly, but can be best for the mother. I had one at age 16 and I have never regretted it...not even later in life when I thought that I was never going to be able to have children (it took me four years to become pregnant with DS. I just assumed that I was infertile).

I look back over my life and realize that nothing would have happened as it did had I made a different choice and am very thankful I had the options I had. I've had a very rich life so far.
post #30 of 41
I'm moving this to Personal Growth.
post #31 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by crystalface View Post
Thanks for all the love, everyone. It has been a very hard decision to reach, but I decided to choose termination. I realized that I would like to have my life in a much more stable position (like being able to stand on my own two feet financially, etc.) before having a baby. I know that things might completely turn around tomorrow, but right now, my life is very shambled. It was also very difficult for me to get dp to stand behind me, especially after the fight with my family.
I believe it would certainly be better if I was more financially independent and had a decent job, and I had solid emotional support from my entire family+dp.

I feel alot better now though, and I feel I am making the best decision for myself and for the baby.

dp said that he would really like us to be married and even own a house, and this whole experience makes him realize he does want to have children, but in a few short years.

i hope i will be back soon *hugs*
I am sorry you feel pushed to this. I would say that I would think long and hard about keeping this dp for the future family you intend to have. He seems not at all a solid foundation to build upon.
post #32 of 41
I don't know what has happened since you posted your decision to terminate, but you did mention previously that your dp would call social services on you if you didn't terminate - I am not well-informed about social services, BUT in my ignorance I am wondering if could THAT be your support system? Does social services provide assistance/shelter for young women to have the baby and help you with welfare and food stamps or something until you can have an income of some sort?
In any case
post #33 of 41
Another PM for you. And more hugs.
post #34 of 41
Abortion might be your best option right now but I urge you to really think about staying with your boyfriend. The situation has given you the opportunity to see huge glaring red flags about him and his behavior and I would really pay attention. It has also given you some important information about your family and I would work very hard to be independent financially and emotionally from them as well. Good luck.
post #35 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyboys View Post

If you do choose to terminate, I think you really must reevaluate your relationship with your boyfriend. Is this the person you WANT to be partnered to?


He was threatening to call social services if you left him. And he was unsupportive to you at a time of great emotional turmoil.

I'm not saying you should break up immediately - but you have had the chance to see how he reacts in life when things get tough -- not very admirably. Remember that
post #36 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by LavenderMae View Post
Abortion might be your best option right now but I urge you to really think about staying with your boyfriend. The situation has given you the opportunity to see huge glaring red flags about him and his behavior and I would really pay attention. It has also given you some important information about your family and I would work very hard to be independent financially and emotionally from them as well. Good luck.
OP - I just wanted to add that I was in your situation a few years ago. My now xp said I had to choose between the baby and him. I tried to have both. Now I don't have him, but I do have our baby. We weren't ready in any way, but I knew that keeping the child was right for me (and I am very pro-choice). So I just wanted to second what the other pp's are saying about your boyfriend. I wish I had left DD's father sooner and not put up with all the crap and pressure that was put upon me, it was no way to go through pregnancy and a harsh intro to motherhood. A man that will insist upon termination or threatening his pregnant partner is not the kind of man that sounds like he would be a supportive partner later on down the road.

Whatever you choose, I wish you peace with your decision.
post #37 of 41
What a terribly difficult position you're in.

Do all you can to take time and breathing room before making any decisions.

Find a social worker. Check out PP. Talk with an adoption agency. Talking doesn't hurt anything, and may make some things more possible for you than you could have imagined if you hadn't explored it.

Hugs. You should be loved and supported by those around you, not threatened and belittled.

You are a valuable person - worthy of respect and honour and support.

Tjej
post #38 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Theia View Post
OP - I just wanted to add that I was in your situation a few years ago. My now xp said I had to choose between the baby and him. I tried to have both. Now I don't have him, but I do have our baby. We weren't ready in any way, but I knew that keeping the child was right for me (and I am very pro-choice). So I just wanted to second what the other pp's are saying about your boyfriend. I wish I had left DD's father sooner and not put up with all the crap and pressure that was put upon me, it was no way to go through pregnancy and a harsh intro to motherhood. A man that will insist upon termination or threatening his pregnant partner is not the kind of man that sounds like he would be a supportive partner later on down the road.

Whatever you choose, I wish you peace with your decision.

Please take a moment to breathe and think with clarity. You wanted this child before things got tough. Don't let other people decide what's best for you.
post #39 of 41


I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.

I'm very concerned because you indicated originally that you definitely did NOT want to terminate the pregnancy. It sounds like you DP and family have pressured you into this termination, and now you are going with it. (?)

Please please please take a little time and get informed before you make that final decision. Don't let others strong-arm you into ending your pregnancy. You and your child can have a future together, if that is what you desire.

Sure, you can talk to planned parenthood... but please talk to some folks that can tell you about adoption options, and social services that would be available to you and your child if you keep your baby. Here is an adoption center in San Fran: http://www.adoptionconnection.org There are others, and many of these agencies offer tremendous support to pregnant mothers. (Counseling, financial/social services connections, support networks, etc.) Here's a number at Adoption Connection that they say you can call "anytime day or night" 1-800-972-9225.

This is YOUR choice. Please don't feel pressured by non-supportive people (perhaps with their own agendas) into a decision you might regret the rest of your life. You are the mother of this child, and this is ultimately YOUR decision and YOUR decision alone.

I ditto those that suggested checking out the "find your tribe" section here. There are good people out there that will help you and support you - no matter what you decide!!!

Sending you love and strength!
post #40 of 41
Sending you peace and love
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