Gentle sleep training - am I a babd mother???

[Loulabelle]

Hi Mammas
I really need some advice (sorry if this is a bit long!!!). I LOVE the idea of cosleeping (and actually I really love sleeping with my bub) but we are having some problems. DD is nearly 8 months and we started cosleeping at 3 months (she was tiny at birth and I was scared about cosleping with her before but after doing some reading I decided it would be the best thing for us start!). Anyway she has never been a great sleeper but lately she has been waking every 45mins at night and wanting to BF back to sleep. I know cosleeping babies wake more and feed more during the night and I really am fine with around 3 wakes but this is ridiculous. I am soooo tired and feeling resentful. We spoke to my Dr and she suggested either going to sleep school (which is a free service but they do Controlled Crying which I WILL NOT do) or try another lady who uses a gentle technique. I bought her book called Babybliss and have been trying her technique during the day and it is sort of working with minimal fuss. Basically when DD wakes from one sleep cycle I pat and shoosh her back to sleep, if she starts crying I pick her up and cuddle her and soothe her and put her back in her cot and get her back to sleep (previously she would only sleep 45 mins at a time during the day) now we are getting up to 2hr naps during the day with 1 or 2 resettles and occasionaly she self settles in the morning. We have tried doing the same technique at night (my bed is right next to the cot) but she just screams and screams until I finally relent and bring her into bed with me. But she is still waking every 45 mins. I just can't get up and do the daytime technique at night I am just too exhausted. Anyway this lady (who is a paediatric nurse) offers a service where she will come to your house for 3 nights and teach your bub how to sleep (with no controlled crying). My DP thinks we should get her to come out and I think I am going to agree as what we are doing now is just NOT working. But I have read so much about how sleep training is bad (I have read NCSS and Dr Sears etc etc). Am I a bad mother for wanting to do this??? I just need for all of us to sleep better. Please help.

[crunchy_mommy]

Well I think you should talk to this lady and find out more about her methods. If you are comfortable with her methods, go for it!

Personally I would have a hard time letting an outsider come in & 'train' my baby but it sounds like you are more open to it than I would be. I sure understand the need for sleep (my 10-mo DS has been waking every 20-45 minutes since he was born!) but I would still prefer to comfort him myself.

Is she willing to teach you along with your LO? So you can learn what she does and apply it yourself if you have trouble later?

If this lady really does have great no-cry methods... I definitely don't think it makes you a bad mom to try it!! Just have realistic expectations!!

[beesknees]

I think wanting to be a well rested mama is not being a bad mama at all. I know that for me when I am tired I am less patient, less energetic and generally not feeling like "myself".

Have you tried having DP put your baby down to sleep at night, have them develop a routine together that may allow comforting from someone besides you during the night? I sometimes need to remind my DP that there are other means of comforting besides breasts that he is well capable of utilizing especially when I start to become a non-functioning mama zombie from lack of sleep.

Is your baby teething, causing the frequent waking? If that is the case it might just be that this is a temporary situation and more sleep is coming soon. Have you started solid foods? Could there be something causing a stomachache or gas that is waking baby up?

I personally would be skeptical of some unknown woman coming in for three days and teaching my baby to sleep. BUT, if she could without leaving baby to cry or threatening the security developed between us, I would probably go for it.

Good Luck!

[confustication]

It sounds to me like your baby just isn't ready for longer blocks of sleep yet. If you're comfortable with it I suppose you can try, but I really don't see the benefit of making mom unavailable to an 8 month old baby all night. They're waking to nurse because they need to nurse, and more importantly, they need comfort/reassurance.

I understand the desire for sleep, but it really is a short time until they are old enough to sleep longer blocks on their own.

[LadyCatherine185]

I would be very interested in hearing about her "gentle" sleep training. The only gentle sleep training I've heard of is in NCSS, and that takes weeks and weeks to show improvements, if you do see any. I would venture to say that there is no way this lady is going to teach your baby to sleep in 3 nights. I am sure this is expensive too? IMHO, giving an 8 month old to a complete stranger for 3 nights in order to "train" them is not gentle at all.

FWIW, my DS has always been a terrible sleeper, and 8-9 months was the worst for us. He woke every 15-30 minutes all night. But now at 16 months we are seeing improvements. He consinstently has been sleeping 2-3 hour stretches all night about 5 nights a week. Sleep maturity is something that comes with time for all babies.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by beesknees

Have you tried having DP put your baby down to sleep at night, have them develop a routine together that may allow comforting from someone besides you during the night? I sometimes need to remind my DP that there are other means of comforting besides breasts that he is well capable of utilizing especially when I start to become a non-functioning mama zombie from lack of sleep.

Is your baby teething, causing the frequent waking? If that is the case it might just be that this is a temporary situation and more sleep is coming soon. Have you started solid foods? Could there be something causing a stomachache or gas that is waking baby up?


Good Luck!

Some great advice here!

[Maluhia]

I think a stranger caring for a baby at 8 months for three nights is scary, could hurt supply and attachement.

Yes, it is reasonable to want more sleep but the reality is that this is a very very rough time for most babies (learning new things, growth suprt, teeth) and although we might *want* them to only need so much from us, the truth is they need what they need no matter what we want.

[Maluhia]

I looked more into the book - it is CIO sadly. Giving a set amount of crying at 6 months is sadly a technique she uses. I would not let this person care for my child nor would I suggest this book be given any parent

I know these books that suggest things give us false hope in really rough/exhausting times, but it's just not worth the physical and emotional health of our chilren. Have you looked at the resource list at the top of this forum? There are many articles and books to choose from that don't include CIO....

[Loulabelle]

Thank for the replies. I really don't know what to do. This method is not meant to be CIO as the baby is NEVER left alone and is picked up if they cry. But I don't want to have to have this lady come to my house but I also can't keep on going waking up 10+ times a night. What I would really like is for DD and I to cosleep and just wake up a few times for food. I really don't think she is hungry every time she wakes. We have tried DP settling her during the times between feeds and she just screams and cries until I just take her back and as soon as she feeds she falls asleep within a few minutes. So far she doesn't have any teeth. Also she doesn't eat many solids as we are doing BLW and she HATES being spoon fed. Maybe she just needs to be close to me. I really don't want to do anything to her that will effect our bond. So maybe I have really just answered my own question. I don't want this lady to come. How do other people cope with thus many night wakings???

[rightkindofme]

By just holding my breath and getting through it. It sucked at times. I think that I am pretty lucky though because those phases were pretty short for us, only a couple of weeks of suffering at a time and always around major milestones. My daughter was very very clear about her night nursing needs and she loves sleeping so we always had enough time to catch up on sleep with her.

[Fiverdoe]

I remember those phases of NO SLEEP so well. I so hated being sleep deprived. I understand why you are looking for alternatives to your current situation.

I think though that babies have so many reasons why they wake up in the night and that they constantly change... like your baby may be teething (not necessarily teeth coming in as teeth dropping down from the bone inside the gum), like growing, like digesting, like dreams(?), like picking up on your or your DH's energy, like being hungry, like being anything else emotional, etc...... Nursing back to sleep is a comfort like - mama is here don't worry - "the safe place". I always nursed my dd back to sleep so we could both just lay there and sleep whether she was hungry or not.

And I don't know if I am right or not, but I think you just make your choice and stick with it or not. Like you are going to co-sleep and nurse on demand... then that is what you do even during the times it is impossible to do. Or you night wean. YOu co-sleep or you don't. I think a lot of the middle ground of what you are speaking of doing and all the mental bargaining we do is just a way of coping and it only serves to confuse our babies....

Nursing on demand is so incredibly difficult at times. I can't say I would choose it again, but I did choose it and stuck with it. I think you should ask your Dh for help in the night if you need it, not a stranger.

Also, I specifically remember 8months being a huge turning point for me.... my sleep deprivation lessened considerably after 8 months...

Good Luck

[Louisep]

I coped/cope with 5-10 nightwakings per night by cosleeping (in the same bed), napping with baby, getting DH to take DS every weekday morning for and hour and for two on the weekends so I could sleep some more. The really tough phases pass, really they do. You also get used to the sleep deprivation.

You'll find lots of support here from MANY mamas in the same boat.

Good luck.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by Louisep

I coped/cope with 5-10 nightwakings per night by cosleeping (in the same bed), napping with baby, getting DH to take DS every weekday morning for and hour and for two on the weekends so I could sleep some more. The really tough phases pass, really they do. You also get used to the sleep deprivation.

You'll find lots of support here from MANY mamas in the same boat.

Good luck.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Loulabelle

How do other people cope with thus many night wakings???

I stopped fighting it. I stopped thinking he should sleep X hours straight or only eat every Y hours. I made up my mind that we'd co-sleep (not fall asleep & move to a separate space, but sleep 100% beside me) and that if he woke, I'd nurse him back down.

Really, once I stopped fighting it, it got much easier to deal with. That, and have DH take him on weekend mornings so I can sleep in a bit!!

[lisavark]

:

My DD is 21 months and still wakes at least every three hours, frequently every two hours. Which probably sounds like heaven to you right now, OP, but believe me, after almost two years of NEVER getting more than three hours sleep straight, it's exhausting.

However...I have found that the only times it really frustrates me is when I talk to my friends who did CIO and whose babies sleep all night, every night. When I hear about babies who go to bed at 7 and sleep till 7 and then nap for two hours every day, I get so frustrated and angry, and that's when I can't stand the night wakings.

When I come on MDC and read about all the other babies the same age who wake just as much as mine does, or even more, I realize that it's not that bad. And I'm really NOT as tired as I think I am. My body has adjusted to it. And then I'll get a night with four hours straight of sleep, and I'll feel better. And I'll remember that this really will pass. When I tell myself that what DD is doing is NORMAL, and what my friends' babies are doing is not really that normal and is the result of a lot of painful crying, then I don't mind it so much.

[txbikegrrl]

No CIO here but gentle sleep training bc there is no way I could drive around all day for work sleep deprived and we need my income. We used a cosleeper then moved DD to hos own room around 8 months. We always had to nurse and rock him to sleep but as long as I made a point to make sure he was fed every 2 hours during the day and had enough interaction(s) when we were home he would sleep at least 5 hours... Good luck!