Help! Too attached?...

[CliffsideMama]

I am hoping someone out there has some words of wisdom/advice gleaned through experience. I don't have any friends who are practicing Attachment parenting so I don't know who to ask... please help!!

Here's the thing:

Our little girl will be 2 years old tomorrow. She's a delight, and developing well. However, she is VERY attached to me. I have been with her everyday since her homebirth and now I'm running a home daycare with 2/3 other toddlers here daily. I babywear, cosleep, and still breastfeed (before sleeping and during the night). Nobody else can put her to sleep or comfort her when she wakes up in the night, only Mama. She screams, cries hard, sometimes vomits, etc. if Daddy tries to ease her back to sleep. I would like to go out in the evenings again! During the day she asks to be in my arms a lot and it's hard for her to play with Daddy/Nanny/etc. for any length of time.

So I'm wondering if the healthy attachment I've been trying to achieve has gone too far? Have I done something wrong? Should I ease her out of her super strong attachment to me? I know 2 is a frustrating age to be and I can see new molars coming. I'm wondering when she will start to show some signs of independence, and I'm hoping to nightwean her before we get pregnant again. Has anyone else experienced this? Where is the light at the end of the attachment tunnel?

I sincerely appreciate any response. I love this Mothering community!

Leanne

[eirual]

I think that sounds entirely normal. At least, that describes my DS to a T.

If I'm around, it's allll me (and is just starting to improve recently that DS is 4). However, he is rediculously well adjusted when I'm NOT around. gtg, but wanted to say that sounds normal, and nothing to be concermed about.

[newbymom05]

My DS1 was the same way. He had to wean at 2.5 when I got pregnant, but he still needed me around for reassurance. Now at 4.5 he's very independent. His little brother is the exact opposite, although he still wants to be held by mama in new situations (he's 18 mo.). But my DS1 was, for lack of a better word, much clingier, he was a total comfort nurser, was very fearful of new situations, yet I've parented them both the same. I think it's temperament. Some kids need more mama time.

Hugs, it's tough when you're the only AP mama around. I felt very isolated and constantly questioned myself and our parenting choices before I met some like minded mamas. Can you find a LLL group or start/find a Yahoo/Meetup group in your area for attachment parents? I also found a lot of AP parents in my homeschooling group. In my group, we consider not using a daycare/preschool as being a home schooler, so we have kids from babies to teens.

HTH, IMO/E you're doing all the right things and your daughter is acting entirely age appropriately.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

That sounds very typical. You're doing great, mama. Its hard to put off our social life, but another year or two and things will be much, much easier in terms of attachment.

[Ruthla]

She's only two! In many ways, she's still a baby, and acting in very age-appropriate ways. Sometimes, with a littler one in the family or on the way, we start expecting our bigger babies to be "big kids" before they're ready.

Nobody can be "too attached" at age 2.

[staceychev]

Another vote for "typical," here. My DD at 2 even would go so far as to say "I don't want Daddy. I don't like Daddy." She's very independent and comfortable, now. Still a mama's girl, to a certain extent, but I figure she's got her whole life to grow up.

[Plaid Leopard]

Sounds normal.

You also have to think that your lo is having to share you with other toddlers during the day. She may just feel that night-time is her time to be with you as much as possible, without "competition".

[Mirrormonkey]

My son was the same way. I hope it isn't 'friends' making you feel this way. That is how we are raising our son and I didn't even know until recently that it was called attachment parenting, for us it is just right. We have another one arriving shortly and I don't plan on changing a thing.

[JL83]

I don't think it's "normal"... It might happen, but it's not normal.

I think part of attachment parenting is recognizing when our children's needs, and our needs, change. I think it's also about being respectful of our children and teaching them to be respectful of us.

You have needs too, and it's OK for you to meet those needs. I wouldn't start with big steps, but it's OK for you to want to go out. Personally, I started with going out for a couple hours during the morning when she was happiest. Then I started going out in the afternoon and having DH put her for a nap. He'd put her in the sling and walk around the block until she fell asleep and then sit at his computer while she slept.

Your 2yo might want you to be there all the time, but she no longer needs it in the same way that an infant does.

[nina_yyc]

I agree with JL83. You sound like you're really frustrated and between 2-3 my DD was ready for a lot of transitions - nightweaning, weaning, potty learning, bought own bed (just sleeping in it now though @ 37mo.) She wouldn't have initiated any of these transitions by herself, but the nightweaning/potty learning both worked really well for us within 2-3 days of when we initiated them. If you feel like you need a change, give it a try - you can read your DD's response and see if it's working or not.

PP could be right - some children still need mama that much at 2yo. But others may be stuck in their habits once the actual need has passed. It also depends on where your DD is in her language development. As your DD becomes better at communicating with you, it is easier to transition her gently. And if you're not ready, know that the next year will make a HUGE difference anyway.

BTW, I often see it suggested that the mom give baby to the dad during nightweaning...this did NOT work for us and based on your post it seems like it might not work for you either. I nightweaned DD myself by subbing cuddles for na-nas and it was lots easier than listening to her wail in DH's arms. Within a couple weeks she was sleeping 6 hour stretches and now she sleeps through the night most of the time.

[One_Girl]

I think you should start by having the dad play with your dd while you are at home with them and not saying anything to him about the interactions, unless he is going to hurt her. It is hard to watch someone not pick up on your child's cues when you know the cue really well and can do something about it, but your husband won't get comfortable with the cues and with your child unless he has a chance to learn them.

If you trust that your child will be safe with her own father then I think you should try going out a few times well before naptime or right after she has woken up refreshed from a nap and had a chance to nurse. There are many wonderful dads who are very capable of caring for their children and providing them with a loving environment when they are allowed to do so. She may cry a little when you leave and then perk up quickly afterwards, being in childcare you have probably seen many kids cry hysterically when their mom leaves and just stop the second they are out the door. Have him call you if she doesn't calm down quickly, but otherwise do go out and have a little break once in a while.

[alexsam]

2-3 is a tough age. 3 year olds start to become much more independent, so something to think about.

However, I also think that if you need a little time to yourself, that is really important too.

I would do like another pp said. Figure out her "good time" and send her and daddy on a quick fun trip- to the playground, the supermarket, whatever. The sleep thing is tough; a disoriented and tired toddler expecting mommy and finding anyone else is a pretty sure bet to be a failure. But a fun outing with daddy might have a couple "good bye tears" but she'll be ok (and remember, crying with daddy is not terrible attachment parenting. Daddy will find his own way with his love to do what he can).

[JL83]

It's a really good suggestion to have her dad take her out. I know my DD found it much easier to go out with her dad than to see me leave. During her really clingy phase at ~18 months, they would go out for a walk and while they were gone I would head out. We didn't hide that fact that I wouldn't be here when she got back from her walk, and she didn't really seem to care. But it was easier for her to leave me with the promise of doing something fun that it was for her to stay at home where she might be bored and watch me leave.

[chfriend]

Utterly completely totally and positively normal. Even more especially normal if you have other kids getting your attention some of the time.

Are you concerned about her being normal or trying to figure out a way to get a bit of a break?

[chipper26]

Thanks for this post. I'm having the same issues with my 17 month old. Often she doesn't even want me to leave the room for a minute, even when she's with daddy. In fact, it's often worse when daddy is home.

I feel like oxygen to my dd. I'm not sure which is more important to her right now, mama or air to breath It's so nice to be that loved, but it can also be exhausting. Sorry, no advice, though I liked what most of the PP's wrote. Just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from!

[Miss Chris]

I wouldn't say you're too attached, and obviously there would be no need or desire to "break" the attachment. I think you should think of it as expanding the attachment. Your daughter is very secure with you which is a beautiful thing and now for your own emotional health and for the emotional growth of your daughter it might be time for her circle of attachment to be expanded. She's resistant. That's normal. We all hate change, particularly with respect to our most fundamental relationships but it will only enrich her and you and your husband to expand her attachment to include other loving adults.

I agree with the PP's. Let her daddy form his bond with her too. It might be a little tough at first, especially for you because you'll want to swoop in a fix everything. But its better for everyone when her circle of caretakers grows.

Miss Chris

[CliffsideMama]

I'm so glad to hear this is somewhat "typical" behaviour!

I'm mostly concerned about our nighttime parenting. I can and do leave her with her very capable Dad on the weekend for fun outings or play at home while I go out. She's very happy with him except if going to sleep is involved!

[CliffsideMama]

I think a strong attachment with Dad is sooo important, as most of you are saying. It is hard sometimes to not step in if I'm around and know what she wants and he doesn't. I find it best that they're home and I'm out or vice versa.

Thanks for all the support, mamas!

[CliffsideMama]

I'm not concerned about being "normal", and thank goodness my friends aren't giving me any grief. I see how my daycare kids fall right asleep in their cribs and was slightly concerned I was doing our daughter more harm than good. I've always felt like how we parent is right for us and her, and I wanted to hear that others who nurse toddlers/share a family bed had been in a similar situation.

[bebebradford]

I think sharing that strong bond is great, but you need to help her learn to be comforted from other relatives as well. ESP her father. While our babes rely on us for support, it's also good to teach a bit of independence. I would start leaving for maybe an hour each evening.. and just let your husband take care of her. What if you were hospitlized, etc? She would HAVE to rely on someone else to put her to sleep and all that.