I could really use some help from some UC mamas who have worked through similar issues as mine.
I am currently 35 wks pg with baby #4. My birth history is 1 medicated hospital birth with an OB, 1 unmedicated hospital birth with a CNM, and 1 UC.
When I had my daughter UC, I was totally comfortable with it and at peace with my decision. I knew it was the right way for us to go.
With this baby, some other (non-health-related) circumstances have come up that are making me feel different about this birth.
Issue #1 - A local family is currently being prosecuted for having a homebirth. Because lay midwives are not legal here, they did not tell the authorities that had a midwife, so they are being treated as though they had a UC. Both baby and mom were and are healthy and fine. Authorities got involved because they transferred mom after birth due to some medical concerns. Family (mom and dad both) is being prosecuted for "giving birth in unsanitary environment" and "not seeking immediate medical treatment upon birth."
With my last UC, I felt like I was doing nothing wrong, nothing illegal, and as such should be safe from a legal situation. Now, I am incredibly uneasy about this. Even though homebirth / unassisted birth are not illegal, I can see now that if someone wants to go after you (for whatever reason), they can find another way to do it. I also used to feel like if you had truly done nothing wrong and your choices were defensible, then it would work out okay. I don't really feel that way now. Through some other life experiences, I know that innocent people get burned in our system every day. Innocence does not protect you, at least not always anyway.
So now, I feel as though I am trying to do something sneaky or wrong. Like, I won't be able to rest until it is over and I haven't "gotten caught." I obviously don't feel like I should have to feel this way about my birth choices, but I can't shake the feeling. Thus, I have had a really hard time relaxing into the idea of a UC.
Issue #2 - With my last birth, we just didn't tell people are plans. So, I had no negative influences from family / friends. This time, we aren't telling people, but since family knows about last time, when they ask, I'm not lying (b/c I'm not comfortable doing so). So, I am getting a lot more pressure / anxiety from this negative vibe, although it is indirect. I am having a really hard time forcing that out of my mind.
Because of these issues, I had planned during my mid-pregnancy to go to our local birthing center. I feel confident in my ability to stand up for my rights and not be bullied in that environment. My main reason for UC was that it was the safest way for my baby to be born without unnecessary interventions, etc., etc. I thought I would be able to achieve that at the birth center. It was worth it to me to sacrifice some of my wishes for the experience to avoid some of the other fears, knowing that I would still be able to achieve the majority of what I want (primarily, safe, healthy me and babe in an untraumatized manner)
.
However, two circumstances arose that changed this plan. #1 - my children would not be able to visit at all, due to H1N1. This is non-negotiable. #2 - I found out some things about one of the providers in the practice I am with that make me really uncomfortable.
So, I changed plans back to UC.
At this point, the plan is still to UC. I have been trying to do positive visualizations, and really am not worried about me and the baby, in terms of safety and such. But I can't shake the fear of the legal situation. It is really strong for me (whether or not it should be).
Then I try to visualize a birth center experience, to see if that is what feels right to me. Sometimes, I'm okay with it. But mostly, I feel like I couldn't give birth comfortably / easily in that setting. I would be very anxious and uncomfortable with all the invasiveness, medicalization, constant checking / monitoring, etc. But then again, if I visualize the possibility of being "caught", I feel like this is the better alternative.
Then, I come here to read and reinforce why I choose UC. I read stories about the hospital and remember why I don't want an institutional birth. Yet, I still can't seem to get past my fear.
I know that no one else can tell me what the right answer is. But, what I am looking for is some stories from others who have walked a similar path and made peace with their decision, either way. Or just some words of wisdom. Anything you have that might help me work through this process.
If you made it this far, thank you so much for all your help!
I am currently 35 wks pg with baby #4. My birth history is 1 medicated hospital birth with an OB, 1 unmedicated hospital birth with a CNM, and 1 UC.
When I had my daughter UC, I was totally comfortable with it and at peace with my decision. I knew it was the right way for us to go.
With this baby, some other (non-health-related) circumstances have come up that are making me feel different about this birth.
Issue #1 - A local family is currently being prosecuted for having a homebirth. Because lay midwives are not legal here, they did not tell the authorities that had a midwife, so they are being treated as though they had a UC. Both baby and mom were and are healthy and fine. Authorities got involved because they transferred mom after birth due to some medical concerns. Family (mom and dad both) is being prosecuted for "giving birth in unsanitary environment" and "not seeking immediate medical treatment upon birth."
With my last UC, I felt like I was doing nothing wrong, nothing illegal, and as such should be safe from a legal situation. Now, I am incredibly uneasy about this. Even though homebirth / unassisted birth are not illegal, I can see now that if someone wants to go after you (for whatever reason), they can find another way to do it. I also used to feel like if you had truly done nothing wrong and your choices were defensible, then it would work out okay. I don't really feel that way now. Through some other life experiences, I know that innocent people get burned in our system every day. Innocence does not protect you, at least not always anyway.
So now, I feel as though I am trying to do something sneaky or wrong. Like, I won't be able to rest until it is over and I haven't "gotten caught." I obviously don't feel like I should have to feel this way about my birth choices, but I can't shake the feeling. Thus, I have had a really hard time relaxing into the idea of a UC.
Issue #2 - With my last birth, we just didn't tell people are plans. So, I had no negative influences from family / friends. This time, we aren't telling people, but since family knows about last time, when they ask, I'm not lying (b/c I'm not comfortable doing so). So, I am getting a lot more pressure / anxiety from this negative vibe, although it is indirect. I am having a really hard time forcing that out of my mind.
Because of these issues, I had planned during my mid-pregnancy to go to our local birthing center. I feel confident in my ability to stand up for my rights and not be bullied in that environment. My main reason for UC was that it was the safest way for my baby to be born without unnecessary interventions, etc., etc. I thought I would be able to achieve that at the birth center. It was worth it to me to sacrifice some of my wishes for the experience to avoid some of the other fears, knowing that I would still be able to achieve the majority of what I want (primarily, safe, healthy me and babe in an untraumatized manner)
.
However, two circumstances arose that changed this plan. #1 - my children would not be able to visit at all, due to H1N1. This is non-negotiable. #2 - I found out some things about one of the providers in the practice I am with that make me really uncomfortable.
So, I changed plans back to UC.
At this point, the plan is still to UC. I have been trying to do positive visualizations, and really am not worried about me and the baby, in terms of safety and such. But I can't shake the fear of the legal situation. It is really strong for me (whether or not it should be).
Then I try to visualize a birth center experience, to see if that is what feels right to me. Sometimes, I'm okay with it. But mostly, I feel like I couldn't give birth comfortably / easily in that setting. I would be very anxious and uncomfortable with all the invasiveness, medicalization, constant checking / monitoring, etc. But then again, if I visualize the possibility of being "caught", I feel like this is the better alternative.
Then, I come here to read and reinforce why I choose UC. I read stories about the hospital and remember why I don't want an institutional birth. Yet, I still can't seem to get past my fear.
I know that no one else can tell me what the right answer is. But, what I am looking for is some stories from others who have walked a similar path and made peace with their decision, either way. Or just some words of wisdom. Anything you have that might help me work through this process.
If you made it this far, thank you so much for all your help!
