Separation anxiety = testing limits

[eplatt]

I am just fuming and fed up!!!! I am so tired of people telling me that seperation anxiety is just my dd "testing the limits" to see "what she can get away with." They ask me, "Have you tried motivating with incentives?" Me: "Um, you mean bribing her?" Them, "Well, no not bribing, but just giving her an incentive, like maybe a chart and when she gets a star everyday she gets a reward." Ugh!!! I'm so sick of this.

I know there are plenty of moms everywhere who who don't subscribe to the "Children-are-inherently-bad-and-rebellious-and-it-is-our-job-to-teach-them-to-obey" philosophy of child rearing...but why does it seem like every person I know or have contact with, or who has contact with my dds seems to think this way.

Why does a childs normal developmental stages regarding attachment and seperation have to be a manifestation of their "evil" nature to test boundaries? I just don't get the reasoning.

[ssh]

Separation anxiety is part of our survival instinct. They have done research and the levels of stress hormones are higher in babies and toddlers when they are separated from their caregivers, often just as high as when a child is experiencing physical pain. LOs who don't show any outward signs of stress, crying etc., still had elevated levels. Here's one of the easier to read articles http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/li...n_palmer2.html . If anyone ever said something to me I'd offer to email them links and then explain human infants are biologically designed to be with a caregiver and most of our human history it was how small children stayed safe from accident and being eaten.

[sgmom]

I LOVE that article.

eplatt: My 15 month old daughter has slept in a twin size mattress since she was 6 months old and we've had nothing but people try to tell us how she will never learn to self soothe or sleep alone if I keep laying down with her. We NEEDED a crib, and I was supposed to put her in it at night and leave (crying or not). NO CRIB FOR US! She still wakes up in the night and calls out for us, but as soon as we go in and tell her to go back to sleep, she'll crawl back into bed and lay back down all by herself and is sleeping again within seconds. All I have to do is pull up the blanket and give her a kiss, and I can go back to bed. Or if she's really feeling like she needs us to stay with her, I can do that too.

The term "self soothe" bothers the heck out of me when it comes to young children.

I also don't understand why people say that your child is "testing you" when they throw food off the kitchen table onto the floor. They just like to watch the food fall, the same way they like to tip bowls of spaghetti on top of their heads. My husband and I have an inside joke we use whenever our daughter is being more difficult than usual. "Oh look! She's testing us!"

That has nothing to do with separation anxiety, but it bugs me every time someone uses that phrase "she's testing you"... I had to mention it. lol

[ssh]

My 4 year old just decided she wanted to sleep in her own bed 6 days after her 4th birthday (Nov. 17). She's doing great with it and loves the extra stories at bedtime. I had some trouble sleeping with her in another room because I kept listening for her. She also weaned herself about 3 months ago. If you nurture your LOs, they will feel secure and become more independent when they are ready.

When I use the phrase "she just testing" I mean that my DD is seeing if she gets the same result every time she does something. Babies do it a lot. It's how they understand cause and effect.