how do you "mind your bizness" ? or do you?

[nj's_mom]

I am a young crunchy mom- the only young mom I know who is bf'ing (which makes me so sad) co sleeping, non vaxing, etc. It makes me so sad to see babies fed formula right out of the womb and fed solids at three months and juice at four months. But usually, I try to keep my mouth shut. I may say something kindly, but usually if I get the vibe the mom isn't interested, I try to shut up and mind my bee's wax.

Today my aunt, who's first child is four or five months old now, posted on FB that "it stinks letting your kid CIO." And I was heartbroken for this little baby, especially since she was obviously feeling less-than-sure about he rchoice to let him CIO. people were responding left and right with "good for you, keep at it" and "its hard but its the only way to sleep" and whatnot. So I though it would be ok to say something, anything. I said "oh, poor baby."

So she responded a bit later with "are you really supposed to let them cry nonstop?" which made me hurt for the lo even more. So, I googled and found a fairly neutral site which gave instructions on CIO that at least offered small intervals, compared to some of the other more rough instructionals I found. and then I posted an article which convinced me (among other things) not to consider CIO, which was an article on dr. sear's website detailing the ill effects of CIO with documented footnoted sources.

Is this ok? Am I overstepping my boundaries? She is a good 10 years older than me and I am a younger mom, I know this .... but should that even matter? I've navigated the waters of infancy & now toddlerhood without CIO, researching my decisions and following my gut .... is it an issue of qualification or just politeness (aka staying quiet?)

[azmomtoone]

Sounds to me like she's asking for advice....no harm in standing up for the LO and letting her realize that there are other options.
In addition to the links, maybe some personal anecdotes about how much you loved cuddling w/ your LO, rocking him/her to sleep & then watching them sleep on your chest, etc.

[Tigerchild]

I've found that saying things like, "Poor baby" are often interpreted (and probably rightly so) as having a "for having such a sucky rotten horrible awful mother" appended to it, unspoken.

Generally that makes people withdraw.

So I tend to say something more along the lines of, "What a difficult thing to do, you sound unhappy about it. Do you know that there's other ways to go about it than CIO? That way you don't have to be hurting and stressed like you are now. Please feel free to call me any time for support, or let me know if you'd like to know how our family managed things so that none of us were hurting and stressed out."

[zinemama]

Since she posted it for all her friends to see and is obviously conflicted, it's ok to gently offer support along the lines of what Tigerchild suggested. Otherwise, myob is the rule.

Since the people who most ardently advocate CIO are the ones it has tended to "work" for, you might want to show her this:

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006...s_and_cio.html

[chaoticzenmom]

There's a new article about how babies who CIO are adversely affected...I'll go search and come back. Maybe a neutral article will help her feel more comfortable. Obviously, she's not happy doing what she's doing. I've been there with trying CIO, reading the "how to" sheet my dr. gave me and feeling like a failure that I went to get my child after only 5 minutes.

Here it is:
http://drmomma.blogspot.com/2009/12/...hydration.html

[staceychev]

Send her a copy of The No Cry Sleep Solution!

[mommariffic]

It sounds like she won't mind the help, especially if she's doubting her choice

As far as minding my own buisness:

I do not judge people. I feel bad for the babies in this world who have no mothers to breast feed them, and don't have access to any sort of food including formula. I know that some people can not breast feed and so if I see a momma formula feeding, I do not judge. I do not say "you know there's a better solution.." because I don't know the whole story. Cosleeping and stuff like that I've given advice on, but I know it's not for everyone.

[NiteNicole]

So she responded a bit later with "are you really supposed to let them cry nonstop?"

No. Not at five months. Even the big CIO advocates say it can be harmful that young and do any of them say just let them cry and walk away? I think most say either to stay with them and pat or sing, then kind of be less involved or go back in every five minutes to reassure them. I don't think any of the books I read said to put them down and just walk away till morning.

I try to say things like, "Remember, this is YOUR baby and no expert knows him/her better than you do" or "It is OK to obey your instincts! Don't let anyone stop you from comforting your baby if that's what you want to do!" although she does not need a Facebook flame war right now, so just do it in a priavate message. It's more empowering and less critical to tell someone to listen to HER gut because SHE is the mom instead of bombarding her with info on why she's wrong. If she seems open to it, you can certainly start sending her info after that.

[bec]

I'm on a fairly mainstream board as well as MDC, and have had to learn to get along with a range of parenting styles. For the CIO discussion, I try to remind mamas to trust their heart, and to know that there are other options out there, while emphasizing that it is their choice. For the sake of getting along I clamp my mouth shut on the judgements that I have about these practices. Of course, these are not family that I am having these discussions with, but it does sound like she is asking for actual advice, not just validation.