Holidays, Traveling, and Families who don't support bfing

[thedenverduo]

Hey mamas! I am feeling kind of hurt and kind of angry right now, and need some advice. I decided to post this in the breastfeeding forum since I know a lot of you have breastfed babies and maybe dealt with the same thing.

Ok... so here's a little bit of back story. My dh and I live in Colorado. Both of our parents and extended families live in Ohio. We are leaving in a couple days to go back and visit for two weeks and will be staying at our parents' houses. My mom actually flew out here for ds's birth (first and only of his generation). She was great in the labor/delivery room, thought I was a little crazy for going the natural route, but kept her opinions to herself and was very supportive. I am my mom's only birth-child and I know she never breastfed me. Her mother didn't breastfeed. In fact I don't know of any other woman on my side of the family who has ever breastfed.

Post-partum when ds and I were learning how to breastfeed she would up and leave the room whenever we got settled to nurse. At first I thought it was because I was having some trouble and often had the lc there helping me latch. I thought maybe she just wanted to give us some privacy. But this continued into our first week at home when I could nurse with more ease and often used a blanket. Then she flew home. She was back out for a long weekend and did the same type of thing... if I didn't leave the room to nurse in private, she would. She also made a comment about... "oh, but if you just formula fed him I could give him a bottle!" as in... I was being selfish keeping his feeding just to myself.

Now we are going to Ohio... (sorry I know this is getting long). My mom married a man who has twin 8 year old girls. I called my mom to ask her what the girls knew about breastfeeding and how they would want me to answer their breastfeeding questions if they had any. My mom said "no, they don't know anything about it, why would they ask you anything?" I explained that I was just trying not to step on their toes, but the girls are old enough to notice, and they will probably ask if they can help feed him and I will have to say no and explain myself. She said "You're not giving him a bottle, at all?" I explained that I do pump sometimes if someone is going to watch him for more than an hour or two, but no formula.

At this she got a little more uncomfortable, maybe didn't realize that I would still be bfing??? And said things like:
"Well, you don't need to advertise it, do you?"
"You're not going to be doing it in front of them, you're going to be doing it up in your room, so maybe they won't notice."
"I think your aunt would be more comfortable if you went to another room when you are staying with her also."
"Actually I think our entire family would feel very uncomfortable with you breastfeeding openly." (yes, even with a blanket).
"We just weren't brought up to be so open."
Etc.

I am just feeling so hurt right now. On one hand I want to stand up and say "you know what, this is the best thing for your grandson whom you adore to the heavens, and it is my right, and I am not going to be inconvenienced to cater to your silly insecurities."

On the other hand, it isn't that big of a deal in practice. Ds will probably nurse better without distractions, I really don't mind walking an extra 20 feet to nurse in private, and I feel like I don't want to stress out about during the holidays.

Any thoughts? What should I do if she (or anyone) starts the whole "You're STILL breastfeeding?!?!" thing? (It is as if they're saying "Now we dealt with this when he was just an infant but he is 4 months old now! Gasp!") How do you walk the line between standing up for yourself and not going overboard? I'm afraid if I get started I will just explode and get really upset and yell.

Automatic 10 points to anyone who read this entire thing!
Bonus 10 points for any insight!

[TXmom2]

I get 20 points ;)

I feel for you. My family was shocked that I was still breastfeeding my 4 month old. Like its only for newborns or something...

DD is now 5 months and at Christmas I wall be with some of my (very "done but not seen") extended family.
I plan to play it by ear. I'll nurse discretely and if it becomes an issue I *may* step out the main room just so it doesn't cause any problems. Plus the fact that my 5 month old is very distractable lately...we may do better with some privacy.

As far as the 8 yr olds. My DSD is 8 and I just had to explain that some mommies choose their natural milk (just like puppies & kittes do) and some mommies choose formula and/or bottles (like her mom did with her baby brother)

[Megan73]

Honestly, YMMV but my son was almost five months last Christmas and there's no way I could NIP with him in a room full of people anyway. He'd pull off to look at something and leave me with milk spraying! Or he'd stop long before he'd had enough to eat because he wanted to keep burbling at a new person.
So just for practicality I'd go to another room - but answer your families' questions honestly: "yes, we're still nursing and it's working great for us. Thanks for asking!"
You can do a lot of good for those little girls if you show that nursing is natural and great for moms and babies

[Poodge]

My DS was five months when we went home to visit our families this summer. Although DH's parents did not openly say anything I knew they were somewhat uncomfortable with BFing. (DH was FF). The unspoken compromise was I went into another room when we were at their home to BF. It was actually nice because it gave me a break, DS focused better, and I could side lay to nurse. However when we were out and about in public I nursed in front of them. The first time when DS started to get hungry they asked if we had a bottle and DH spoke right up "Nope, he drinks from the tap" and I nursed him. They said nothing after that. Good luck I know it can be tough. For many of us it is the first time we have to assert ourselves as the parent to our parents, and make the decisions that work best for our family.

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by Poodge

The unspoken compromise was I went into another room when we were at their home to BF. It was actually nice because it gave me a break, DS focused better, and I could side lay to nurse. However when we were out and about in public I nursed in front of them. The first time when DS started to get hungry they asked if we had a bottle and DH spoke right up "Nope, he drinks from the tap" and I nursed him.

I would probably do this (somewhat resentfully) if I was staying at someone's house. But I DEFinitely would still bf in public even if all of the same people were present! That's a great idea. I would also bring up to my mom that I feel sad that she feels that I need to hide it, and I would probably try to breastfeed in front of the 8 year olds in a public place just to give them a chance to normalize the idea for them. And I'd be open, respectful, and honest in my answer. Although honestly, I did go in another room to nurse when I was staying the night at dh's grandparents house (and I didn't say a word about it either...it was just where I felt most comfortable in the situation!)...it just wasn't worth it at all to me to have to justify anything to them, and we were only there one night.

I'm really lucky in that both of our families are really supportive of breastfeeding (even if my mom does think it's weird that I'm still nursing my three YEAR old...she doesn't give me too much grief about it. If she does, I call her on it and she stops.).

I'd probably also bring a pamphlet (someone can probably point you to a good one) from the AAP or something where it talks about how doctors recommend exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months and keeping breastfeeding in addition to food for AT LEAST a year.

[Carlyle]

Here's a press release: http://www.aap.org/advocacy/releases...astfeeding.htm
And here's the full text of their recommendations (a bit much to pass off to your mother, alas): http://aappolicy.aappublications.org...rics;115/2/496

Even the CDC agrees: "The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that breastfeeding continue for at least 12 months, and thereafter for as long as mother and baby desire. The World Health Organization recommends continued breastfeeding up to 2 years of age or beyond." :http://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding/faq/index.htm

Good luck--it sounds stressful. Hopefully your mom will be willing to at least hear that you feel sad that she's acting so weird.

[lifeguard]

Do you nip much normally? I usually wore ds in the sling at that point (although that did not make it hands free for me!) when nip & it got to be that others just didn't even notice - most people were oblivious as to what I was doing.

I like the suggestions to nip but respect their desires for their private homes.

Once you're actually there you may find not everyone is as uncomfortable as your mom is making it out to be.

[babygirlsmama]

Wow... I feel your pain. First of all kudos to you for finding your way to what your heart knows is right for your babe, despite having a mom/family who sounds a bit...umm.....repressed?

Anyway, I see at least two issues here. I know this whole thing can be really complex, but it sounds like your mom may be making a mountain out of a molehill. And you are right, I bet, if you are suspecting that her issues stem directly from unconcious guilt about not BFing. Anyway, if I were in your shoes, I might be tempted to engage her (when you are both in good mood) in an open, non-judgmental conversation about it. You could even start it off by saying how things are different now than when you were little. (For example, when I was born, my mom didn't have much success BFing me. I had always been a bit judgy about that, until we discussed and I learned she tried very hard, consulted nurses, and even tried to find a LLL, but had little success...At least that made me feel better and got the conversation going). Maybe you can couch it as, wow, so much is different now, you guys didn't have as much information/research on stuff like SIDS, infant nutrition, when I was little, did you? etc. Then praise her for doing such a great job with you. That may get her to be more open. I would express how you feel about BFing and maybe see if you can get to the bottom of her wierdness about it. IF you can catch her in a non-defensive mood (maybe a big if!) you may be surprised!

The other issue is whether to NIP around family. That is tough. I have found in my short career so far as a nursing mom that so long as you are not selfconcsious and are cheerful about it, everyone handles it fine. Maybe you could pop out of the room to latch babe on, throw a blanket over you, then rejoin the group. IF anyone asks/comments, try your best to keep a cheerful attitude, "baby's hungry...we've got to nurse!" Consider letting YOUR comfort and convenience and your baby's be your guide. I certainly wouldn't slip off and hide just because some folks might be uncomfortable.

Now, I know this all is easier said than done when you are dealing with complex family relationships and all. My other thought is that the family may not be as repressed about it as your mom thinks they are. I would take each situation independently. It's probably your mom's attitude and not necesarily your aunts.

Good luck, and wow...spending 2 weeks visiting family deserves a medal or something. Good luck!

[babygirlsmama]

One more thought...where I live one of the hospitals offered a "what's new for Grandparents class." I dragged my mom to it when she visited. Maybe there is one in your mom's area. It was something fun to do together, and was taught in a very respectful tone, ie balanced and respecting the Grandparents' perspective while emphacizing the importance of stuff like BF, etc. It was awesome because it was taught by a LC and debunked all the stupid myths some in the older generation have about introducing solids, formula, even sleeping.

It turned out to be a great way to connect with my mom, and now she is going around preaching about the stuff she learned to other family. Somehow, I think she was more receptive when it came from a source other than me. You could even couch it as a good palce to brush up on stuff like first aid, infant cpr, etc. to coax her to do it (if she thinks she knows everything about babies already!) Good luck!

[larzanna]

Originally Posted by Carlyle

I would probably do this (somewhat resentfully) if I was staying at someone's house. But I DEFinitely would still bf in public even if all of the same people were present! That's a great idea. I would also bring up to my mom that I feel sad that she feels that I need to hide it, and I would probably try to breastfeed in front of the 8 year olds in a public place just to give them a chance to normalize the idea for them. And I'd be open, respectful, and honest in my answer. Although honestly, I did go in another room to nurse when I was staying the night at dh's grandparents house (and I didn't say a word about it either...it was just where I felt most comfortable in the situation!)...it just wasn't worth it at all to me to have to justify anything to them, and we were only there one night.

I'm really lucky in that both of our families are really supportive of breastfeeding (even if my mom does think it's weird that I'm still nursing my three YEAR old...she doesn't give me too much grief about it. If she does, I call her on it and she stops.).

I'd probably also bring a pamphlet (someone can probably point you to a good one) from the AAP or something where it talks about how doctors recommend exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months and keeping breastfeeding in addition to food for AT LEAST a year.

All of this.
For sure BF in public, and in front of the 8yo girls. And the info from Drs and the AAP and the WHO would be a good idea, i'd have lots of copies to hand out!

My MIL and her husband are less BF friendly, BUT in truth, i just flat out don't care...they want to see the grandbaby, they can deal. My mom and her husband are very supportive.
HA HA my mothers husband, a 60 year old vet actually said to me
"Breastfeeding is as natural as a fart....and i'd rather be in the room with someone breastfeeding than farting"
Made me laugh.

[woodchick]

Ditto to all of the above. I just wanted to add that I recently read that Ohio has one of the lowest breastfeeing rates in the country. (DH is from OH, so I was prone to notice) This may also be part of their 'uncomfortableness' about it- they probably don't see much of it.

I say, just be confident, nurse when you need to and be a good role model for future parents in your family.

[annekh23]

I only score 10, I read the whole post, but I don't really have any insight, my family are very pro breastfeeding, to the extent that when I ended up in the ER on Christmas Day 6 years ago with a suspected breast abscess, my dad didn't make any motion to leave the room when the doctor wanted to examine me, I'm fine breastfeeding in front of my parents, but I wanted them both out the room at that moment! I also prefer to pump in private, but haven't had much success with that either!

I suppose my only insight is that ultimately in someone elses house, like it or not we do have to follow their rules. Though I would attempt to breastfeed so discreetly that no one noticed, I've managed that with my husbands family, even though they wouldn't be bothered with it, later conversation has indicated that they didn't even notice.

[tanyam926]

This is what I did:

My gma and extended fam were not used to anyone BF (my mom BF all 3 of her kids, including me, but lived far away from her fam while we were growing up). When ds1 was a baby my sis also had a small baby and we were the first in the family to BF.

We nursed at my gma's house, at family functions, we nursed everywhere. We nursed pulling our shirts up or in a sling but used no covers or blankets and did not leave the room. My gma, aunt, and cousin made a few little comments that we handled calmly but they eventually got used to it. We didn't make a spectacle out of it, we just fed our babies.

This approach worked best for ME bc I was able to 1) feed my baby when he needed/wanted to nurse, 2)stay true to my lactavist beliefs and show my cousins the normal, natural way to feed a baby, and 3)not act, by my own actions (hiding), that I was doing anything wrong.

I feel that baby=breastfeeding. If my family is not comfortable w/hearing baby noises or smelling a poopy diaper then I am not welcome at their home bc baby is always w/me. If my family is not comfortable w/me BF then I am not welcome at their house bc baby is always w/me and needs to be fed.

I understand that family relations have many complex layers and each family is different. I also truly believe that there is no right or wrong answer to what you should do.

I hope you find a solution that works best for you.

[Carlyle]

I hope things went well for you during your visit!

[ewe+lamb]

You know, I feel your anger, not having support from friends and family makes you want to change your friends and family, however I just wanted to tell you what happened after speaking to my mother about this sort of thing - my sister and I have been through the mill, my father would huff and puff and make stupid comments to his friends etc - most annoying (but now he's a huge bfing supporter and tells all his friends' daughters and sons how wonderful it is - major turn around); but I finally got my mother to admit how envious she was of my sister and I of having all the information and support at our fingertips, she had nothing like that no support from family around her, stupid medical advice ( I know they didn't know any better but ...) my mother said how angry she was at society for writing off breastfeeding and stopping her from having the breastfeeding experience and relationship that she wanted - it's taken nearly 40 years for her to admit it, it's just a suggestion but alot of your mother's resistance maybe from this. I have also seen many grandmothers at LLL meetings cry because they missed their opportunity. I just wonder if she needs her time to grieve not having that special relationship that she sees you having with your child.

[thedenverduo]

Thanks to all of you for your responses!

My mom made the whole visit rather uncomfortable and inconvenient for everyone, but I stuck to my guns and feel proud of how we handled it. I respected my mom's wishes and nursed in the guest room while at her house. It was actually kind of nice to nurse in the peace and quiet. But I also made sure to talk about breastfeeding a lot (especially around the twins!) and so it was kind of a happy medium. The girls ended up wondering about breastfeeding and wanting to see him nurse (which their dad was fine with). He just said "Some women feed their babies from a bottle, and some women feed from their breasts. You get to choose when you are a mom." So that was good.

When we were in public I just nursed with a cover, as usual. I personally am much more comfortable in public with a cover. Invariably, my mom would leave the area and cause a scene. We were in the car when Sol woke up from a nap very hungry... asked to pull over to nurse. She had a bunch of "See, formula would be so much easier!" comments. Then she tried to drop me off at the gas station so I could nurse "privately". My dh was great and said "I don't think they have much besides a toilet to sit on in there, we'll just stay in the car." So we parked, and my mom got out of the car and paced around in the cold for 15 minutes while I nursed. So silly.

Anyhow, from making an effort to talk about breastfeeding I was able to loosen her up a little bit, show the twins how normal it is, and still not cause too much drama. I so appreciate the advice about taking each situation independently. My aunts and grandmother ended up being very supportive! My grandma talked about how she wishes they had the same information then as they do now, and said she was proud of me for doing the research and doing what was best for ds even though it wasn't the norm in our family. One aunt was pretty neutral about it, and one aunt encouraged me to nurse like I would at home ("Boobs are nothing new around here so don't be shy!")

So I guess we'll just keep plugging away at my mom. She needs to get used to it as we are going to be nursing for a long time. Oh dear, she's going to flip about extended bfing too isn't she? Oh well, I know you wonderful ladies will be able to help me tackle that when it comes!

Anyway, thanks again for all the great advice!

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by babygirlsmama

One more thought...where I live one of the hospitals offered a "what's new for Grandparents class."

This is a brilliant idea!!!

[kriket]

Fart that noise. That is just rude and I would let them know I don't plan of FFing at all. The 2nd time it comes up is when I get grouchy.

I occasionally get comments like "he doesn't get any bottles?" Or "you won't be able to do that much longer he's about to get teeth" but they aren't hurtful comments.

I do have a feeling I only have 4 more months before I get "he's too old for that"