Language. Dropping the F bomb etc...

[Mom'n it]

I'd really like to get a consensus on what people think about this topic. I haven't been able to search it very well, so I apologize if it's been discussed.

I'm not one to freak out if my ds uses words that I use when I'm describing a frustrating moment... and expression.. I do explain that these are words we don't want to use at preschool or at the park, etc... and he nods his head with a sign of understanding.

To me, they're just words. Mostly of expression. If you're not hurting someone or attacking then I feel that they are ok. My grandmother was told that those words were used because people weren't intelligent enough to find other words, but to me.. again.. they're words like all the rest! It's hard for me to say "hey don't say that!" when.. well.. I say them. I do let him know I disapprove of the word "Stupid" because it's demeaning.. and I also don't like the oh so new common word "retarded" because of the same reason. But a stubbed toe with the outburst of "fuck! ow ow" doesn't really upset me. I would be a hypocrite to stop him, methinks.

Thoughts? And.. um.. no.. I'm not a troll.. I'm genuinely curious about other mama's ideas on this subject.

[Sharon, RN]

I'll have to watch this thread, because I have (almost) the same problem!

DS#1 (10 YO) has picked up some of my more, ahem, "colorful" language. And even though I completely understand why, since I use this language, I find I do get a little upset when he uses it.

Part of me agrees with you- it's just words. Really, at home, I couldn't really care less if he uses "bad" words, although it bothers DH. But I really don't want him to use them at school. And it seems like that would be hard to expect of a child. I know adults can use colorful language at home, but not at work, I don't know if my 10 YO could do that. Maybe when he's a teenager? IDK.

For right now, I've just been working really hard on controlling my own use of "bad" words. I'm hoping if I use them less, so will DS.

So, he's never punished for using "bad" words. I, too, explain why he shouldn't use hurtful words like "stupid", "retarded", etc. Actually, I get much more upset when DS says someone is an "idiot" than I do if he drops something and mutters "s&#t!"

IFYKWIM.

:-)

[karemore]

I'm not sure I buy into the words are just words argument. Racial slurs are technically just words too, but you certainly wouldn't want your child to go around saying them.

I used to swear on occassion, but when DD was old enough to start learning language I stopped. I do not want her perceived to be ignorant, or a bad influence on other children.

It DOES appear that people who swear a lot have limited vocabularies. It may not be true in all cases, but that is one impression it makes on others.

I think as parents we encourage our kids to speak properly, using proper tenses, proper pronouns, not using inappropriate words is just a part of that to me.

It may be a class thing, it may be an age thing, or it may be geographic, or just family preference. I grew up not hearing a curse word until I was about 10. My daughter is 4 1/2 and she has not been around anyone who swears in front of her.

[aussiemum]

As previous posters have stated, racial slurs, derogatory statements towards others & general put-downs are definitely not acceptable speech at our house.

However, my dh & I certainly swear a fair bit, particularly when we feel strongly about a specific issue or situation. For example, saying 'I think he/she is a f**king ----' would not be okay, whereas 'I can't believe I missed that f**king plane because my Visa card didn't work to pay the taxi' is okay. And f**k or s**t when you stub your toe or drop something is okay too.

It's all about context- kids need to know what language they can use in different social situations. And banning 'swear' words doesn't achieve this goal, imo.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by karemore

It DOES appear that people who swear a lot have limited vocabularies. It may not be true in all cases, but that is one impression it makes on others.

I hear this all the time, but it's just not my experience. Most of the people I know with PhDs use curse words. Many use them often. The idea that using a word arbitrarily deemed as a "bad" word equals poor or limited intelligence is a silly notion.

[TulsiLeaf]

i have a potty mouth. a bad one. but i never swear around my kid and she will never be allowed to swear until she is an adult(around me). at nearly 30 i stll do not swear around my mother or elders. To me and my family, it is a sign of respect. Swearing is kind of "naughty behavior" and I won't do it around my mother or my Nan. I remember being like 8 and telling my mother to piss off. She chased me around the kitchen table and broke the wooden spoon on my butt. Swearing was NOT tolerated in my parents house. I never heard my parents say anything worse than "what the hell" around me and to this day I still havent. I do not allow my daughter to say those words, although if she does the punishment is a lot different.

[luvmybaby333]

I swear. I don't let my children swear. It's never been a huge deal, though. I try to limit it, to an extent, around them when they are under 2. After that it just becomes a very simple matter of correcting them should they inadvertently say something. A simple "No. You can't say that... Only adults can say that." works for me. Only, with my first daughter I was single and I would say "Only mommy can say that..." and she would correct other adults in social situations and tell them that only her mommy could say that word. (Highly embarrassing in case you were wondering.) TBH, I really don't think the words are terrible... However, I want my children to have the benefit of being able to exist within society in a comfortable way. I don't want a negative stigma to be attatched to them because they are 4-year-old foul mouths. Once they reach an age where they can exercise discretion and only use the words in situations where it is "appropriate", then I won't have any problem allowing them to swear within reason. I was around 12 when my mom started allowing me to swear. Our rule was no swearing AT people. She also had an aversion to the F-bomb, words like "stupid" & "retard", racial slurs, and the "C" word. Everything else was okay for me to say. I felt that was fair. I plan something similar for my children.

[bandgeek]

I don't freak if my kid says a "bad" word. He's still young and just trying them out. Seeing what our reaction will be. I explain that some words are offensive to others and we shouldn't use them. But it happens that I slip up. I always apologize and say, "I'm sorry I said that, it wasn't a nice word." I'm not trying to be perfect or make him perfect, but I do want him to be aware that these words are offensive to the general population and we should be considerate of others.

He's learning to read and is figuring out where these words fit in. Like when we were talking about the blend "sh" he told me that he knew another word that started with it..."$hit"! I didn't even correct him on that...it was in an educational context and we were in the privacy of our own home. Same with the f-word. But when he repeats something someone says, I just remind him that those words can hurt people's feelings.

[cappuccinosmom]

I don't really go for the "just words" argument. Words have meaning, though it depends on who's using them and who's hearing them. Words can be very powerful in a positive or negative way.

That is why I do not use certain words at all, and would not allow my children to use them in the house if they somehow aquired those words as part of their vocabulary.

However, if *I* habitually say something, I don't think it's fair to be upset that my children say it too, or to ban it. Either I need to change the example I'm giving them, or accept that it's "just words" for them if I believe that's true for me.

[luvmybaby333]

It DOES appear that people who swear a lot have limited vocabularies. It may not be true in all cases, but that is one impression it makes on others.

I think that excessive profanity can give off the impression that the speaker is ignorant or possessed of a limited vocabulary... But that greatly depends on the speaker.

I have had an extensive vocabulary since adolescence. I don't feel that using profanity in the "correct" context limits my ability to get my point across effectively on a regular basis. I don't substitute random words for vulgar ones. It's just that sometimes I choose to impress upon the listener my utter distaste for someone or something. Sometimes "not a very nice person" simply isn't as effective as flat out stating that the subject of the convo is a "bitch". KWIM?

You have to do whatever floats your boat. For us, it isn't limiting at all to use profanity within the confines of our home, or among like-minded company. We are still able to maintain socially acceptable speech around those that require it. In fact, my grandparents are Jehovah's Witness and I go a step farther so as not to offend them. I don't mention the word "God", or holidays, or anything else that they find distasteful. This is how I show them my respect.

Personally, I feel that teaching my children discretion and the value of appropriate timing is far more important than pretending that certain "distasteful" words don't exist. (^^^ My 2¢ )

[writteninkursive]

Originally Posted by karemore

I'm not sure I buy into the words are just words argument. Racial slurs are technically just words too, but you certainly wouldn't want your child to go around saying them.

I used to swear on occassion, but when DD was old enough to start learning language I stopped. I do not want her perceived to be ignorant, or a bad influence on other children.

It DOES appear that people who swear a lot have limited vocabularies. It may not be true in all cases, but that is one impression it makes on others.

I think as parents we encourage our kids to speak properly, using proper tenses, proper pronouns, not using inappropriate words is just a part of that to me.

It may be a class thing, it may be an age thing, or it may be geographic, or just family preference. I grew up not hearing a curse word until I was about 10. My daughter is 4 1/2 and she has not been around anyone who swears in front of her.

I am Captain Grammar in my circles, constantly teased for my correct use of our language. I've studied it in school, and have always prided myself on my literary skills. I've always loved words. That said, I use curse words frequently. I don't think they make you appear dumb or ignorant at all! There's is a time and a place, obviously. But they have become a normal part of our English language, and the origins of our language are a hell of a lot worse than a few curse words!

Not class, not age, not geographic (what?), and I don't think I've ever heard my parents curse in their lives. And yet, I do. So not family preference either. Just words. It's not about the word; it's about the attitude you use when you say it.

[rhiOrion]

Not a mom yet but crashing in to tell a funny story.

In elementary school (can't remember what grade) we had spelling words that we had to do certain things with each week. Specifically we had to come up with a word that rhymed with the spelling word.

I don't know if my teacher was an evil genius, or if she just had a brain fart... but one week one of our words was: Duck.

I distinctly remember going through the alphabet trying to find rhyming words and my mother's face when I got to "F"

[Ruthla]

When my kids were very tiny (toddlers and preschoolers) and they heard a "colorful" word, they didn't know what it meant or that anybody would have a problem hearing it. So, the first time I'd hear it repeated, I'd gently explain "@#$% isn't a nice word. I don't want you to use it." When appropriate, I explained what the word meant I didn't explain the F word to preschoolers, but why shouldn't they know that S@#$ means poop and @ss means tushie?

By kindergarten or first grade, all of them understood the words and rarely used them (and usually in an appropriate context when they did.) If they forgot and used a colorful word innapropriately, a gentle reminder did the trick. Of course, I've also been known to shout "Watch your F@#$ing language!!!" when in a particularly bad (or playful) mood.

[aussiemum]

rhiOrion, somewhere out there was a teacher laughing her ass off....

[Jessy1019]

I cuss, and I don't care if my kids cuss. They're just words.

I'm not okay with racist/homophobic/misogynist words, but any regular cuss is fine with me, when used appropriately. I don't think using or not using those words has anything to do with intelligence, either, and if people want to assume that I'm unintelligent because I like to say "f&^%," they're probably not people I'd want in my life, anyway.

[snoopy5386]

Well....if I heard my 3 yo drop the f-bomb, I'd be pretty upset after I laughed my ass off. The worst she says now is "What the heck?" and while it is funny, it also makes me embarrassed when she says it in front of others. Some things are for grownups only - drinking, smoking, sex, driving and cussing. I agree with the others who say it is a respect issue. I would NEVER curse in front of my parents or my in laws even to this day. DH and I curse, but really try to curb it around DD. She hears it a bit more from our single guy friends. Luckily she's yet to pick up on it, but when she does we'll tell her it is something for grownups to do only.

[aussiemum]

See, I don't agree with the idea that some words are for adults only. I think banning kids from saying certain words makes them more likely to say those words when they think they won't be caught. And I think that's kind of sneaky & I don't want sneaky kids- I want to know what they think & what they are up to at all times.

Maybe it's an age thing- my kids are 9 & 11 now- & they are very articulate about their wants.......

[Peony]

I curse fairly often. Currently my 3y has been running around for weeks yelling "fuct" all the time. Oops. I'm ok with it. SHe has taken more of an interest in curse words then DD1 ever did, eventually they learn that only adults say that, but I don't make a big deal out of it.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

and if people want to assume that I'm unintelligent because I like to say "f&^%," they're probably not people I'd want in my life, anyway.

[hottmama]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

I hear this all the time, but it's just not my experience. Most of the people I know with PhDs use curse words. Many use them often. The idea that using a word arbitrarily deemed as a "bad" word equals poor or limited intelligence is a silly notion.

Same here. Half the people I know are working on PhDs and they curse up a storm!

In our house, we call curse words "grown-up words" and my boys (4 and almost-7) have no problem with that. I do hear them say one sometimes in their room together and giggling, but I think that's normal and I'll just yell, "Hey!" and they'll giggle some more and stop. It's usually in the context of "I am so effing (hungry, tired, happy, etc)!" and it's *always* a toy that said it so they can go, "It wasn't me! It was elephant!"