I am SO beside myself. Help...

[heatherdeg]

This is long, but IS related to homeschooling--not general parenting--if you read through to the end.

My almost 6yo is at home with us. He had been in daycare and preschool settings even though I was a SAHM because he was so seriously developmentally delayed that it wasn't hard for them to sell me on needing peers to mimic. So he went.

By the time he was 3-going-on-4, it was out of control. He was always the problem child. We tried 3 very different environments and he just never fit and was really miserable. Plus one of the schools booted him out.

He was receiving special ed services from the district. He just recently tested out, and tested gifted. He continues to have an auditory processing disorder, some minor fine and gross motor issues and the private neuro-dev eval flagged him as a watch for ADD/ADHD (we have to rule out a vision problem and test his hearing again).

The thing is, our family has been through holy hell this last year in a way that's left ds really not well attended to. Here's the run-down:

*Oct'08: I come down with a flare up of CMV that causes horrifying fatigue.

*Nov'08: State adoptive unit calls us with a newborn. I panic because of my existing fatigue. Dh says "we can handle it". Enter 12 day old daughter.

*Dec'08: Holiday rush. I unknowingly get pregnant on New Year's Eve.

*Jan-Feb'09: I'm chronically fatigued and now sick and losing weight. No clue I'm pg because tests say "no" and I was flagged for potential early menopause the year prior.

*Mar'09: I go to dr. for the fatigue (for shots of ATP to help, actually). He sends me to check with ob/gyn due to missing periods (in case they want add'l bloodwork) and ob/gyn sends me for an u/s (just to be sure I don't have ovarian cysts). U/s finds a fetus in 2nd trimester that is drowning under her own skin, leaky heart and missing a bone in her skull. We have a CVS showing chromosome problems and my blood pressure (I'm predisposed to pre-eclampsia) is through the roof (duh). We lose this child 15 days after finding out she existed, and I am beside myself. Three days later, our former foster daughter (who we'd remained in contact with) gets removed from her mom out of state and both their state and ours encourage us to intervene on the case to help her.

*Apr'09: I lose my grandmother--who was essentially my mom.

*May-June'09: I try to process both losses while dealing with the court case we are now engaged in.

*July'09: We find out we have to relocate from NJ to IL.

*Aug-Sept'09: Try to purge an attic and basement akin to an episode of hoarders. Still flying back and forth for court case. We are now so broke and so overwhelmed that ds isn't enrolled in any enrichment activities (that used to take easily 4-5 hours of his week)

*Sept-Nov'09: Trying to squeeze 3 grad classes into one semester before having to relocate.

*Dec'09: Lose the only other relative that is close to me... last night. Just when I thought we were finally through all the difficulty. So today, I am again, just emotionally not "there" for him and not patient enough. Dh took off of work, but ds' behavior is just so bad at this point that dh is having a hard time, too. Plus, he's out of days off--so we're not sure what they're going to do about that with his work.


Needless to say, ds has had more TV and more contraban food (he has food intolerances that cause behavior issues) in addition to not getting nearly the love and support and connection he needs from me. And the problem is so bad that I have no clue how to fix it.

Now, he wants to go to school. Where he used to take on learning activities at home, he wants nothing to do with anything outside of Legos and TV--mostly TV. He's become a monster whiner, complainer, negative and uncaring child. MONSTROUS. I know, know, know this is all my & dh's doing--but I have no clue what to do. I also feel like maybe he wants to go to school just to be away from us (dh WAH) because he's angry and resentful. Everything he's doing is hurtful and lashing out in his hurt.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if sending him to school (especially in his current state) would be good because he'd be out of this house and in a different environment and maybe it would be enough of a break for him to feel better and feel like he's doing something meaningful? Or if it's going to be the beginning (or rather, a furthering) of the end. I feel the latter, and at the same time, I need to get us all back on track. I need to give him something that's going to feed him in the positive (and I can't even FATHOM that I'm looking at school like that's even remotely a positive thing).

I'm crying as I write this. School is over (I have one course in the spring) and the house is prepared for the sale in the spring. We've made our peace with the court case and are no longer stressing at every hearing. So things on our plate have certainly gotten lighter (minus my aunt's passing last night). I just have no idea how to proceed.

If you have made it this far, I could hug you for just reading. But would appreciate any thoughts. At this point, two very anti-someone-else-teaching-our-kid-with 1/24th-of-their-attention are truly considering it... despite the fact that I sit in that school 1-1/2 hours/week while ds is in OT and listen to how horrible the teachers are (and occasionally complaining about it--and understanding why our district is in the bottom 1/3 of the state).

[elizawill]

i really wish i had some amazing words of wisdom, but i'm empty on what to say. i couldn't read this and not give you a hug though. what is currently taking place involves much more than your ds obviously. this is having an impact on your whole family. it sounds like it has been a very rough season in your lives, and my heart is with you. i offer you my prayers & trust that all you've been through will make your family stronger and better. i hope some other mamas with wise words will have good advice for you.

i am hugging you through it all and sending good vibes your way

[MamaMonica]

I wish I had some wise words. Please take care, and I wish you peace with the decisions you make in a difficult situation.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by elizawill

what is currently taking place involves much more than your ds obviously. this is having an impact on your whole family.

Yes... and we're looking for multiple therapists to help us: marriage, personal and possibly attachment. We don't have time to waste figuring out how to fix the overall bigger problems. But this one, I don't suspect any of them will understand. I think it's something only another person who believes in homeschooling would understand.

Thanks.

[Ruthla]

I'm so sorry for your losses.

Was your son close with your relative that just passed away? If so, then he's grieving too. In general, I think you should delay making important decisions like this when you're greiving and not thinking straight.

I have to wonder if being in OT at the school is feeding this desire to attend school full time- are the therapists "selling" school to him? I just don't see how a child with an auditory processing disorder is going to function in a large classroom. A special ed classroom with 10 kids, a teacher, and a teacher's aide? Maybe. A regular classroom with one teacher and 20-25 kids? No way!

I suspect that the contraban foods are a major part of the current behavioral problems. A few weeks of clean eating (easier said than done, especially at holiday time) would really turn things around. IME, its' easier to control diet at home than when the child is in school.

I've also found that the initial transition to school is nearly as much work as homeschooling. You'll have to get him up and ready for school every morning. You'll have to help him with homework every night (maybe not a problem in kindergarten? But a major factor with my 8th grader.) You'll have to get him to bed on time to repeat the whole thing the next day. You'll have a whole day's worth of parenting jammed into the half hour before school and the few hours between school and bedtime. Then you have the parent-teacher meetings, where the teachers act like they know more than you do and try to tell you how to parent your child.

Can you really handle that transition right now, while greiving?

My advice would be to see if you can get somebody to watch him at your house (or the local park ,weather permitting) for a few hours a week? Even a local teenager can give him 1:1 attention and "fresh energy" (ie, away from Mom and Dad for a bit) and help turn things around.

It's winter time. There's over a foot of snow on the ground. It's cranky-crazy time all over the East Coast right now, even without developmental delays or deaths in the family. Don't expect too much from any of you right now!

[heatherdeg]

Thanks, Ruthla. Your post made me cry... in a good way. I think you're dead on. I needed that and I can't thank you enough.

BTW, my son was not close to either of the two relatives that passed this year as they lived 1500 miles away during his life and I was connected to them through phone calls, etc. And I would be stunned if the OT was selling school to him--she's wonderful and actually believes in hsing. That being said, I think going there is a huge problem--and it's going to stop.

[blessedmum]

I am crying with you just reading what you have gone through.
I think that it is only natural for your son to be having some troubles. Don't beat yourself up-You have all been through aLOT.
We had a rough year last year(My mother had cancer and I was diagnosed with lupus when we lost two second trimester babies) and I think it will take a while for my kids to settle back in.

Just some ideas...
Stick to your gut feelings about schooling at home.
Take a while to just spend time with your babies.
stick to a limit on the tv-he wont like it at first,but he will get over it.
I would not worry about him missing academics right now. He is still young and I think that the academics will come after his spiritual/family needs are met.
Take one step at a time change and healing won't happen overnight

I don't know if any of this helps, but I wish you
Blessings and prayers for a peaceful new year

[bobandjess99]

ruthla is awesome.

[AnnieNimIty]

I think Ruthla is right on with it too.
Maybe your son needs a big sibling figure, a mentor type who is just there to play with him.

I am sorry for your losses. That is a lot for anyone in such a short space of time.

[kittie313]

My oldest dd has auditory processing disorder and ADHD (among other things) We had a lot of things happen last school year that resulted in us enrolling her in public back in January to finish her K year. Now, mind you, when my fourth dd was born my oldest was 4y5m so they are all really close in age, and just 3 weeks before ps started last school year we moved to a new city a half hour away. My oldest had a lot of changes, and she NEVER has taken well to change. We had health issues with me (found out later it was mostly from the mold in our ceiling from a roof leak that we had replaced earlier this year but we lived 9 months with that mold there before we fixed all that), my third child was dianosed with multiple allergies and asthma, and tons of other little things involving my drunk of a father mooching money that we didn't really have. In January, I was fed up with it all and when my oldest complained that she didn't want to do homeschool any more, I snapped. I looked right at her and asked if she wanted to go to the school across the street, and she got excited. So I called them up, then got a sitter to come out while I took her down to enroll her to start the following Monday. She was thrilled beyond belief, and then it was time to take her for her first day of school. They peeled her off me and had to physically restrain her while I left, and it went downhill from there. They have full-day K here in my district, so she was there 8:30 to 3:30 5 days a week. She had trouble staying focused, sitting still, understanding what she was told and taught, and all kinds of other things. They have a color system here for behavior, green being best and red being worst (green, blue, yellow, orange, red) and most days she came home on yellow or orange, with a sprinkling of blues and reds and a couple greens. She had trouble with the work, so I spent a lot of time after school daily (at least an hour, usually longer) working with her myself to help her get the concepts they were working on in school that day. Despite how hard it was for her, and the fact that they should have retained her to repeat K, they passed her to 1st grade unable to read and barely able to write. She has none of the math skills they taught except some of the counting, and we had to start at square one with her this school year at home. The school wouldn't test her for learning disabilities until she was in 3rd grade AND at least 2 grade levels behind academically in at least 2 subjects. Needless to say, she came back home with us, but we chose to leave her there for the remainder of the school year.

Honestly, being able to send her to public like we did was a VERY good thing for us all. I was able to focus on recovering physically (which I got worse for a while after she started school then at the beginning of June started getting better again) without the stress of being 100% responsible for teaching her. I still had to work with her a lot at home, but dh also did a lot of the teaching when I was unable to do it. And with me going in and out of the hospital for a while, it really was a relief knowing that academically she was covered even if I didn't have the ability to teach her. It also showed her exactly how much is expected of her in public school, and once the school year was over she was THRILLED to be back at home again for schooling. It gave all of us what we needed at that time, even if it was super hard.

Don't feel like whatever you choose it is a permanent thing. If you truly feel like its a better option to send him, then do it. But if you think he should be home, don't send him. Take some time off lessons and just allow him to watch tv or play with legos, limit tv to educational programming only (right now mine are all coloring Tinkerbell jumbo pages and watching Nick Jr. at the same time lol, and earlier my oldest played at starfall and other educational sites I approved for more than an hour) And just allow yourself some time to grieve your losses, you need to get through that right now before you make any real decisions. In 2005 I had to deal with the loss of my grandmother in January and a miscarraige in February, while caring for two little kids and doing all my household stuff. Granted it wasn't much to lose my grandmother as we were not at all close (she was not a very nice person at all) but losing that baby was really hard on me. I needed a few months to get where I could think about a baby without crying, and I found out I was expecting dd3 before I got to that point. You do need to take some time to just hurt and allow yourself to get through that, and don't feel bad about taking whatever steps you feel are best to help get through it. If it is getting a hand at home with your family, then do it. If it is putting your oldest in school, then do that. It is all about doing the best for your family's situation, and there is no easy answer. But you really do need to grieve those losses before you can move forward with much else. (trust me I speak from experience when it comes to refusing to deal with something major in your life, my baggage held me back for several years before I dealt with it, mourned the losses that resulted from it all, and then forgave and started healing and moving forward)

[water]

Is there a preschool that goes through K anywhere near you that you could send him for a few hours a week for you both to get a break? I know a bunch of the preschools around here take kids through K age.

That way you would get the break you need and he would get some outside time, but not be committing to school completely.

[Dakota's Mom]

First of all I am so sorry for your losses. That in itself is more than you should have to deal with right now. Second, I agree with others here, get a mother's helper or a mentor or someone who will devote time just to him a few hours a week. Forget about learning right now. I mean, you're in Illinois, it couldn't be easier to put school on hold for now. Let him watch educational tv. Besides the kid's stuff, try Dirty Jobs or Destroyed in Seconds. My son loves those shows and really does learn from them. Take the time you need to grieve. Even if your son was not close to your grandmother and aunt, he is close to you and he can sense your distress. Your family needs time to work through all this. When you feel ready, slowly add some learning activities back in to your schedule. Keep the mother's helper even after you are feeling better. You will find the need for that support again and again.


Kathi

[heatherdeg]

He's been bounced out of the only local preschool that goes through K. And they won't take him back. I know now it was the APD, but they're kind of a snooty place and don't want to hear it. I don't come from an affluent town, so we don't really "belong" there.

Either way, we're so broke from the court case that I can't afford anything.

Dakota'sMom--we're not in IL yet. We leave in early summer next year. But yeah--he loves those shows and "How it's Made".

I have some dependent care expenses to get reimbursement for and I may use it to put him back in swim classes--which he really loved (and helped with his OT/PT issues). The amount we're owed might be enough to cover 12 weeks of it. I think that's only added to the problems--not having those activities (we ended almost all of them in Sept.)

Honestly, I can't wait to move. I just want to start over. Thanks all for your help. I'm e-mailing the district about ending OT services at the school. It's heartbreaking because the OT is wonderful and really helping him, but I don't think we can do this right now. Actually, I might just tell them we're on hiatus for January due to his immune deficiency so that I don't close the door completely on it.

Thanks all. Rough day. I need to get myself together, too--or none of what I do with him will matter. Working on that.

[ADirrim]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

I don't know what to do. I don't know if sending him to school (especially in his current state) would be good because he'd be out of this house and in a different environment and maybe it would be enough of a break for him to feel better and feel like he's doing something meaningful? Or if it's going to be the beginning (or rather, a furthering) of the end. I feel the latter, and at the same time, I need to get us all back on track. I need to give him something that's going to feed him in the positive (and I can't even FATHOM that I'm looking at school like that's even remotely a positive thing).

(

I am so sorry for your losses. What a difficult time for you and your family! It made me really sad to read your post. I think it is really positive that even in this difficult time you are able to really introspect and consider the feelings and needs of your child apart from your own and also realistically consider what you are capable of under these difficult conditions while being compassionnate toward yourself. That really speaks to a lot of wisdom and maturity on your part.

I think all parents have hopes for providing their child with an ideal childhood and sometimes it is really difficult to reconcile that with reality (and we find ourselves compromising and making decisions that we never thought we would). Obviously, a lot of things haven't turned out the way that you probably would have hoped and you are under an UNBELIEVABLE amount of major life stressors (health issues, a special needs child, financial issues, moving, legal troubles, coursework, and mourning the loss of several loved ones). Personally, I think that you have the right instinct here. Assuming that you can deal with all of these issues without a really strong support network AND simultaneously provide a stimulating social and educational environment for your gifted child doesn't sound realistic to me. It sounds like your husband is out of time off to help out and you have lost the support system of an extended family. So, it is understandable that your child is getting more TV time an less than optimal nutrition.

My advice would be to be gentle with yourself, don't feel guilty for doing the best you could in adverse circumstances, and do everything you can to keep his schedule as consistent as possible (as this will be the source of his sense of security through all these changes). How long ago did he quit OT? I think your son's current worsening behavior is probably likely to be attributable to the many changes and stressors he is experiencing at home (gifted children are often HIGHLY sensitive and I am sure that he is not oblivious to the stress that you are under). Additionally, especially in the case of a gifted child, it seems unlikely to me that you will be able to deal with all of this and meet his cognitive needs- some of the behaviors may be driven by boredom. Try not to see his desire to go to school as a reaction based in anger or resentment toward you, or the result of machinations by therapists, and hear it as your child expressing a need as best he can.

If you believe that the school could provide him with stability and a regular routine, as well as a good social outlet and some cognitive stimulation, and if it affords you a few moments to yourself to rest and recover, I would be at peace with it. There is absolutely no shame in taking advantage of the resources available to you and even if it is not your ideal, you are teaching your son valuable lessons about being kind to yourself, avoiding social isolation, facing adversity, and reaching out for help. Give yourself permission- as someone else said it isn't necessarily forever, but it may be the best short term solution (and your son may surprise you- I've known a lot of cases where friends have found that worked best for their child isn't the same parenting philosophy they would have choosen). I would take advantage of any other resources are available to you- babysitting coop, counselling through the school you attend, etc and be really candid with the school or teachers so they know what you (and your son) are going through and can be especially sensitive (particularly in light of the fact that he has had problems with school int he past).

No matter how bad the school "system" is, at the end of the day what matters is the people your child will come into contact with (and my honest guess is that anyone hearing about your situation will be kind and compassionnate).

Obviously, this depends on what you are into but sometimes after just sitting with the problem for a few days (meditating/praying), a solution presents itself.

I really wish you all the best.

[LauraLoo]

Other pp's have had good thoughts and suggestions. Definitely give yourself time to think things through. You have time. I find when I have major issues going and lots of stress that keeping a notebook and journal with me at all times helps. I jot down thoughts as they come and when I look back over them, answers tend to pop out of my disjointed notes. I find that getting things down on paper helps to release my mind and stop the incessant internal dialogue and frees me to be more present for my dc's.

Be kind to yourself.

[joensally]

Heather, I'm so sorry for your losses and this horrible last year.

I have a son who is/was similarly complicated. We HS'd last year but he's in a specialized classroom for this year and next because it's the perfect setting for him. We anticipate HS'ing again in gr4 when the program ends. I share this part to say that I absolutely would not have put him in any old classroom as it would have been horrible on so many levels, but that there may be a suitable group situation for your son if he continues to feel a yearning for a group environment. We weren't looking for this program, but rather stumbled upon it - and it's 10 blocks from home!!

Anyway...back to meeting your son's needs at home. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to let go of any concrete HSing goals and schedules you'd planned for the next while.

In your shoes, with a son as you've described him here and in other threads, I would see his intellectual needs as important as his attachment and other needs. The great thing is that there are a lot of ways to meet those needs that are relatively planning free. Let him pick a topic of the week (or month) and visit the library weekly. I cannot say enough good things about brainpop.com. DS LOVES this site. DS also loves Magic School Bus CDroms -they're "below" his level, but he enjoys them and they appeal to the way he looks at things. What about science kits, where you plan a half to one hour per week to do a science experiment together? DS also loves those Scribbles books and can spend a long time with them. And a whiteboard - oh, gosh, a whiteboard can take up a lot of time. Bill Nye has a great series of science videos for kids - we get them at the library and DS enjoys them. The above is a fair bit of screen time, but at least it's not random-whatever's-on-right-now.

IME with my kids, if they're not getting enough muscle movement (even a stompy walk works) and intellectual stimulation, in combination with food that's not positive for them, it's game over. Heck, it is for me too! IMO, it's not about how far from your plan you are - that's a plan based on variables not in play right now. It's more about how do we work with what's happening now and do the best we can in the current situation. In other words, lower your standards and go easy on yourself . I find that if I get stuck looking at how far I am from where I want to be that I get stuck there, rather than just doing my best with what I have.

I hope 2010 brings much better times for you!!

[theretohere]

If you feel in your heart that home is where he belongs- bring him home! I would focus on repairing your relationship, working on difficulties, and finding a rhythm before worrying about academics at all. If all he wants to do is play legos- let him. mama, for all you have been through. I'm so sorry- and I hope it gets better and soon.

[mamasaurus]

Heather - I'm so sorry for your losses and your situation.

I had to respond - I have a 7yo DD, gifted and with Aspergers. When DH and I started having children, we always talked about homeschooling them. However, DD was such a challenge that we were happy to try and put her in preschool just to give us a break from her. However, we were politely asked to take her out of TWO preschools when she was 4/5 years old. Her behavior was so out of control that the teachers just could not handle her.

We kept her home for a year, and then we decided to talk to our local PS about having her try 1st grade there. I was very skeptical, however they offered such a good program for her with an IEP, a one-to-one paraprofessional and a lot of support both at school and at home, that it was an offer we didn't want to turn down.

Now... if that PS had not been so great, we probably would not have sent DD there. Only you can decide how much your PS would have to offer you in support in order to send your son there. But if they can offer a good program, don't feel guilty for considering it. It doesn't have to be a "forever" choice. It can be for one year or one semester, or whatever works for you.

[Messac888]

We have similar problems with our DS (7yrs), from gifted and difficult to food additive issues, so on and so forth. Every time I am at the point of ripping my hair out and I vent to a friend they immediately suggest sending him to school to 'get a break' instead of offering anything helpful. They can't understand why I would want to keep him home. It stands to reason that, if you don't feel that school is the best place to educate your kids, you should not be pressured to send them there. That being said, it helps to have help! Maybe you could find an older homeschooled boy (high school age, maybe?) to come over and play with him once or twice a week? Even if you pay him it may help your son to have an older 'brother' of sorts to play with. Even if it is just watching TV or playing legos, those are things that are important to him and it may be nice to have someone to share those things with. I noticed that when I was in the routine of sending my kids outside every day for about a half hour to an hour, twice daily, my DS's behavior improved dramatically. Now that the weather is lousy and I can't simply stick them in the backyard, his behavior is worse again. Sigh... Maybe try to get him out each day if you aren't already doing that, and maybe for a longer period of time or multiple times if you are already doing that. Get back to the stricter food regime as soon as you can. (Often for snacks I will make a ton and throw extras in the freezer for a later date- though often he will help himself and eat it frozen.) It helps, especially when much of what he can have has to be made from scratch. At any rate, these are things that have helped me and maybe something in there might be found useful by you as well. Good luck with all this. I know it's tough but it's not forever. Things do get better again.

[Momma Aimee]

Hetherdog

I have no words of wisdom, and i am late to this thread, but i wanted ot offer my HUGS and let you know i did read the whole OP and i do have a place in my heart for you.

Aimee

ps there is no shame in making a choic "for now" and doing a school setting untill the move, when you can make a new start as a family. Espcailly if that would give you time -- to catch your breath and deal with the move with less stress and feel better about your parenting in general -- then you can make a new homeschool start after the move with a clean slate.

any educational choice doesn't have to be "for ever" -- and chooicing school now doesn't detract from your homeschooling ideal -- it is a question of reality and reality is not always ideal.

so when you are chooceing -- remember if you have to make a choice "for now" that is ok, even if it is not the perect choice you'd want to make.

pps -- I know my DS1 has emotional sensory issues -- and he can only process ANYTHING (even walking ina store much less school stuff) when he is on an even emotional keel and feeling attached.... it is good and fine to push off "school" needs to meet "lower leavl" needs of attachment, getting a grip, behavior and so on ...