Another question post..

[unschoolinmom]

Is there ever a time when positive discipline doesn't work? I'm just wondering if maybe my son just doesn't respond to it. My dh still on occasions threatens him with a spoon, never uses it, but holds it and my son does exactly as he's told. He even wants to be with dh more than me and tells me that daddy is the best because he "gets" him.

Is my wanting to use positive discipline too soft for my son? It works wonderfully on my daughter and I know both he and she are not the same, but no matter what positive method I use, he just does not respond to it at all.

The book I have is called The Everything Guide to Positive Discipline. I like it, I just wish it had more on how to work with younger children than just with teens. I would like to have them in a more positive relationship now so that when they are teens, it's not such a fight.

Are there any other books anyone can recommend that might be more beneficial to this situation.

[nd_deadhead]

Threats and punishment DO work - in the short-term. Kids can often be intimidated into acceptable behavior with threats.

But our goal for our kids is not (or should not be) short-term results, but long-term learning and relationships. Will a wooden spoon work when your son is 3 inches taller tahn DH? Of course not. Eventually the discipline strategy has to change - so why not change it NOW, so it's a habit for everyone?

Since positive parenting isn't just one thing, or just a fixed number of things, I think it's impossible to say it doesn't work, because there are always new things to try. I have always thought of positive parenting to be based on trust and respect - my sons trust me because I have always been honest with them, and consistent with them. They know what to expect, and they know that if I lay down the law, I mean business - the rules don't change from day to day. They also know that the rules are meant to protect them or help them, not to make their lives miserable (or my life easier) - and in many cases, we developed rules together. DH and I also tried very hard to live by the same rules as the children (things like no food on the couch, everyone sits at the table until we're all finished eating, chores before games, etc).

The respect part comes from treating the children with respect at all times. One doesn't have to approve of behavior, but it is important to always respect the child's feelings. I often have reminded myself to treat my kids the way I would treat a friend - not that I think a parent's job is to be their child's best friend - far from it! But we seem to be better at holding our tongues and thinking before we speak around friends than family.

I hear you about wanting to have a good relationship with your teenagers! Maybe we just got really lucky, but our twin boys are 15 years old, sophomores in high school, and they are polite, respectful, responsible, and fun to have around. They don't mind going places with their parents, and they are willing to talk to us about anything. For a long time I prefaced those words with "so far, so good", but I think we've reached the point where they aren't likely to completely change their attitudes. I believe that respect is a huge part of our relationship. They know we are not perfect; we don't expect them to be perfect either. DH and I try to lead by example, and show them that even if we make mistakes, it's better to 'fess up and try to make it better than to try to cover up.

[unschoolinmom]

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead

Threats and punishment DO work - in the short-term. Kids can often be intimidated into acceptable behavior with threats.

But our goal for our kids is not (or should not be) short-term results, but long-term learning and relationships. Will a wooden spoon work when your son is 3 inches taller tahn DH? Of course not. Eventually the discipline strategy has to change - so why not change it NOW, so it's a habit for everyone?

Since positive parenting isn't just one thing, or just a fixed number of things, I think it's impossible to say it doesn't work, because there are always new things to try. I have always thought of positive parenting to be based on trust and respect - my sons trust me because I have always been honest with them, and consistent with them. They know what to expect, and they know that if I lay down the law, I mean business - the rules don't change from day to day. They also know that the rules are meant to protect them or help them, not to make their lives miserable (or my life easier) - and in many cases, we developed rules together. DH and I also tried very hard to live by the same rules as the children (things like no food on the couch, everyone sits at the table until we're all finished eating, chores before games, etc).

The respect part comes from treating the children with respect at all times. One doesn't have to approve of behavior, but it is important to always respect the child's feelings. I often have reminded myself to treat my kids the way I would treat a friend - not that I think a parent's job is to be their child's best friend - far from it! But we seem to be better at holding our tongues and thinking before we speak around friends than family.

I hear you about wanting to have a good relationship with your teenagers! Maybe we just got really lucky, but our twin boys are 15 years old, sophomores in high school, and they are polite, respectful, responsible, and fun to have around. They don't mind going places with their parents, and they are willing to talk to us about anything. For a long time I prefaced those words with "so far, so good", but I think we've reached the point where they aren't likely to completely change their attitudes. I believe that respect is a huge part of our relationship. They know we are not perfect; we don't expect them to be perfect either. DH and I try to lead by example, and show them that even if we make mistakes, it's better to 'fess up and try to make it better than to try to cover up.

I hear you there with the short term. I want long term. He's actually back to responding to me and I to him. I sat him down and explained that if we are to work together, we need to value what each other says and does. I told him I felt as though he wasn't valuing what I was asking of him, then asked him what I could do to show him the same value. Strangely, my 4 year old just wanted to take care of me and felt I was letting his big sister do most of the work taking care of me.

I didn't even realize I did that. I apologized and he apologized to me. We hugged and now he's eating an apple while learning about the solar system and I'm sitting here eating a delicious soup he made out of his cars.

Thanks again for the advice. If you know of any other books that might be beneficial to both dh and myself that would be great!

[ssh]

I notice that your DS is 4, so is my DD. Some kids are still dealing with impulse control issues at that age. Have you read Parents Kids and Power Struggles by Mary Kurcinka? She also wrote Raising Your Spirited Child. I find her books very useful not only for dealing with specific conflicts/issues but avoiding them. My DD often seems to prefer her daddy. I think it's because I'm the primary caregiver so daddy is cooler. She doesn't listen better to him or anything though. DH and I have the similar discipline style, a mix of UP and gentle discipline, I'm just abit more patient and persistent.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Punishment and threat can stop bad behavior in some children. However punishment does not teach good behavior.

It may help you to read about authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles.

[unschoolinmom]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans

Punishment and threat can stop bad behavior in some children. However punishment does not teach good behavior.

It may help you to read about authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles.

I did a paper on them from my Human development class. I'm a psychology major, which is why I'm trying to change my views on parenting.

Makes me wish kids came with manuals.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by unschoolinmom

I did a paper on them from my Human development class. I'm a psychology major, which is why I'm trying to change my views on parenting.

Makes me wish kids came with manuals.

I am a victim of childhood abuse and I read pretty voraciously before having our son because I was worried that my instincts would be off. And while I'll admit that sometimes my first IMPULSE is not the best, when I can find a quiet place to really think about my son and observe him in the moment, a lot of times I find an answer that works for us. So for me that instinct kind of is the "ultimate manual." Now I don't know in the end if it will "work" (whatever that means) but I do believe that I am truly doing the best I can right now.

The book that helped me frame that, and might help your husband 'cause its tone is pretty no-nonsense, was Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are worth it."