When IS it okay to intervene/give your two cents?

[gbailey]

I've noticed a lot of threads lately about saying something to a parent about their child or a parent having someone deal with their child in a way that we don't feel comfortable. Generally, it seems everyone feels like a mind your own business approach is the best and I agree for the most part but when is it okay to say something to a parent who is let's say a good friend or a close family member?

My good friends daughter gets frequent ear infections. She's almost two and has an ear infection and a bad cold about every 2.5 to three months. Her mom usually calls me in distress about this (i.e. i'm taking dd to the emergency room or i have to miss work to take her to the doctor because i think she has another ear infection).

Last week, her daughter had another ear infection and she sent me a text message when she got home to complain about waiting in the docs office for hours. I texted her back to tell her I hoped her DD felt better and asked her if the doc said why she gets ear infections so frequently. She never responded. I ran into her yesterday and I asked her if DD was feeling better and told her about an article I just read about infant/toddler ear infections. She rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth and told me I didn't need to worry about her daughter because her daughter was fine. When her cell phone rang she walked away.

It wasn't my intention to offend her. I thought I was being helpful not telling her how to parent. What did I say that was wrong? I was going to give her a few days before I call her to clear the air. I am trying to figureout what I need to apologize to her about.

[MusicianDad]

In this case, I don't think you need to apologize for anything. You didn't undermin her parenting in anyway, you just offered information.

[Ruthla]

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. You asked a question about what the doctor said, and she didn't respond. IMO, it would have been a lot more polite if she'd said something along the lines of "I'd rather not discuss that with you" rather than simply not responding, but she didn't, and you honestly didn't know if she was receptive to this information or not. So you told her about an article you read on the topic. Her body language told you that she's clearly NOT receptive to any more information about this topic, and I presume you will now drop the subject.

You don't know why she was so cold to you yesterday. Maybe there's something else going on in her life that's seriously stressing her out, that she's not comfortable sharing with you right now. I wouldn't, at this point, assume that she's actually mad at you. She might have just been super busy, and the cell phone call could have been something important she'd been waiting for before she even saw you. Or, she could be stressed out from a variety of sources on this topic and over-reacted to your comment because she's frustrated with getting the same information from lots of people.

Let it slide. Give her some time, and see if things are still awkard after the holidays.

[tanyam926]

My general rule is that I give advice when asked for it, or speak up if a child is truly in danger.

In your situation I would just let it go and realize that your "friend" is sensitive and not bring it up again. If it were me, I wouldn't apologize bc it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, therefore it would be an insincere apology.

I think a friendship should be able to w/stand well meaning advice offered in a non judgemental way, but I try not to test that theory too much.

[Drummer's Wife]

I agree with MD, Ruthla, and Tanya. No need to apologize, and I don't feel like you overstepped your boundaries at all -- but I wouldn't bring it up again with said friend. For whatever reason, she may have not been receptive to advice/opinions on her LO's recurrent ear infections.

[lindberg99]

Was the eye rolling, etc. an isolated incident? If so, I'd just assume she was having a bad day. I wouldn't even bring it up again. And I wouldn't mention anything about ear infections again unless she directly asks you. I think some people just want support or sympathy or whatever when their child is sick, they don't necessarily want your advice.

[Addy's Mom]

Wow, my son got a million ear infections his first year. If a friend had given me an article on them, I would have been grateful. Handing someone an article is far, far different than doing something like telling them they suck as a mother for not getting tubes put in. "That's" what I would consider over the line.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by Addy's Mom

Wow, my son got a million ear infections his first year. If a friend had given me an article on them, I would have been grateful. Handing someone an article is far, far different than doing something like telling them they suck as a mother for not getting tubes put in. "That's" what I would consider over the line.

Hmm, you know, something like that could be going on with this woman. Maybe someone is telling her that she's a bad mother because her child is getting sick so often. Or that it's her fault and she did X, Y, or Z wrong. So maybe the OP giving her yet another opinion of ear infections just hit a nerve with her and she reacted badly to it?

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

Hmm, you know, something like that could be going on with this woman. Maybe someone is telling her that she's a bad mother because her child is getting sick so often. Or that it's her fault and she did X, Y, or Z wrong. So maybe the OP giving her yet another opinion of ear infections just hit a nerve with her and she reacted badly to it?

Thanks for all of the nice words. Lindberg, this may have been it. In any case, I won't mention anything to her again and if she mentions it to me, I'll just say "hope she feels better soon" and keep it at that. I hate having to feel like I can't respectfully pass on possibly helpful info to a friend especially when my intentions are good.

[shanniesue2]

per the ear infections: I guess it would depend on the point of the article. Like was the article about allergies leading to ear infections? Or was it about how breastfeeding decreases the incidence of ear infections? I have a cousin with a toddler the same age as my DS. My DS has never had an ear infection. Their DD has had so many problems that she now has tubes. They formula fed her and they smoke. I never said anything to them about it because they cannot go back and change the fact that they didn't breastfeed her. I only found out recently (I don't see them very often) that they smoke because my cousin was talking on FB about quitting. I encouraged him to quit because it would be a major health benefit for his daughter. Anyway, information that shows that past parenting choices were possibly harmful to the child's health (when those choices can't be undone) don't help support the parent and their child now. OTOH... if it was an article about something that could be informative and helpful in the process of moving forward in the situation, then I wouldn't see it at offensive. If the information you shared was more along these lines, then maybe she was just having a bad day. If it was more along the previous lines, then maybe she felt judged for past choices that she can't undo???

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by gbailey

I hate having to feel like I can't respectfully pass on possibly helpful info to a friend especially when my intentions are good.

I think I'd ask if I'd somehow offended her.

I mean, it does seem bizarre that she's been calling you, all stressed, to talk about the ear infections -- and then, after you --

1)ask one time if the doctor's said anything about what might be causing them, and

2)offer her an article, which presumably wasn't about breastfeeding or some other thing that she can't turn the clock back and change now --

She would suddenly shut down and act like she didn't want to talk about it.

Maybe, as Ruthla said, she might just be stressed out over other stuff in her life and it has nothing to do with you.

But I don't see what it could hurt to just ask.

Sometimes I've talked with someone about a health issue with one of my children, and just felt kind of judged, not by any words the person said but because something in their reaction made me feel like whatever we were dealing with was so bizarre --

And while I wouldn't exactly be mad at them for never having experienced the issue, I might just stop bringing it up with them and seek out someone who didn't think it was quite so weird. If that makes sense.

I have no idea if there was any of that vibe going on ... and of course it's totally possible that it's just her own personal stress and nothing you've said or done.

[sapphire_chan]

Wow, your friend sounds really rude. Next time she calls you up to vent about her dd's ears tell her you don't want her to share if she doesn't want you to care.

[mamazee]

It sounds like either there is something else going on in her life right now, or else other people have been hassling her about the ear infections and it felt like you were being part of a pile-on even though you aren't related to whoever else was doing it.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

The only thing that MIGHT be going on is that this "friend" likes to be the center of attention. It seems odd that she calls you every time the child is sick (which sounds like it is often)...and then walks away (how rude) when you mention information that might be helpful--that there might be something else going on--i.e., you are being played. JUST MIGHT BE. I don't know--I'm just relating it to an experience I had AND going on the information that you posted: but I knew a woman like this--she called me all the time to tell me how sick her child was, how difficult her life was due to this emergency room visit or that, and then I'd see the kid at preschool the very next day and ask how she was and she would respond, "I'm fine"--and she was! She didn't even seem remotely sick--when supposedly mom had her in the emergency room for 48 straight hours and without sleep for two consecutive nights. Yeah, right.
Just a thought...you have to wade through it sometimes, if you know what I mean. Again, I might be totally off on this, but it just seems like if a person has a kid that sick that often that they'd be hungry for any useful information that they could get.

[shanniesue2]

another thoght that I had is maybe she's not looking for advice. Maybe she just needs to vent some frustration. I started a thread about something similar. A month or so ago, I was talking to my ILs about our adventures in nightweaning. I wasn't looking for advice... just talking about what was going on. Well, she started advocating graduated CIO and talking about how you can't just go on instinct, you have to be intellectual about it, too... I felt very judged and I don't think that's what she intended. I felt (and still do) that we were going about it the right way; I just needed an opportunity to sort of vent about what was going on. I mean parenting (no matter what your choices are) is NOT easy. And sometimes moms just need a space where it's safe to sort of whine about that.

So maybe that's what's going on with your friend?

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by shanniesue2

I mean parenting (no matter what your choices are) is NOT easy. And sometimes moms just need a space where it's safe to sort of whine about that.

LOL, not to go off-topic, but this reminds me of something I've learned about dh. He doesn't deal well with just listening to me gripe about something. Sometimes I just want the listening ear -- but he's immediately thinking about how he can improve the situation. I.e., one time he emailed one of my friends to give her a piece of his mind about something that had hurt my feelings.

And you know how sometimes in the heat of our immediate reaction, we exaggerate without really thinking about it. I felt very embarrassed, and I'm more careful about venting to him now, since he takes it all to heart and often moves right into acting on my behalf without consulting with me first.

[staceychev]

Originally Posted by shanniesue2

Or was it about how breastfeeding decreases the incidence of ear infections? I have a cousin with a toddler the same age as my DS. My DS has never had an ear infection. Their DD has had so many problems that she now has tubes. They formula fed her and they smoke. I never said anything to them about it because they cannot go back and change the fact that they didn't breastfeed her.

I get that you're talking about parenting choices, but the "good" parenting choices don't always lead to good results. My DD breastfed for 4 years, I don't think anyone has ever smoked around her, and she still had many ear infections her first year and a half. Some kids are just prone to them. (I was.)

[shanniesue2]

Originally Posted by staceychev

I get that you're talking about parenting choices, but the "good" parenting choices don't always lead to good results. My DD breastfed for 4 years, I don't think anyone has ever smoked around her, and she still had many ear infections her first year and a half. Some kids are just prone to them. (I was.)

I'm very sorry that your DD had so many problems with ear infections. They can be really awful things to deal with (I got them all the time as a child). I wasn't trying to imply that BFing will eliminate the risk of breastfeeding... I was mostly making an example about when I thought it might not be helpful to offer information (i.e. when it's something you can't turn the clock back on). I know very well that my cousins DD could have had the exact same problems if they'd BF'd and not smoked... but I also know that FFing and smoking increase the risk for ear infections... however, offering them articles on that information at this point would be like saying "you should have made different choices" and that would not be taken well at all. That was all I was trying to say. I'm sorry if it came off in a different way.

[gbailey]

I sent her a text on Christmas day to wish her and her family a happy holiday. Haven't heard back.

The article I recommended to her was a guide to ear infections: preventing,treating, how kids get them,etc. Very basic. I'm sorry if she took what I thought was helpful advice the wrong way but if she doesn't want to talk to me, I won't lose any sleep over it.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by gbailey

I sent her a text on Christmas day to wish her and her family a happy holiday. Haven't heard back.

The article I recommended to her was a guide to ear infections: preventing,treating, how kids get them,etc. Very basic. I'm sorry if she took what I thought was helpful advice the wrong way but if she doesn't want to talk to me, I won't lose any sleep over it.

That sounds like a good attitude. Something weird must be going on with her to get that upset over an article.