How often do you give in - if ever?

[busymama77]

Even when you lay down the ground rules before going out some place, like the grocery store, WM, Target, places like this - especially around this time of year. "We're going to buy what's on our list and nothing else - meaning, toys and candy, okay?" DS always agrees and seems to understand and repeats what I say but once we arrive at the store and get in the check out line, he's all over the candy and throws a fit when I won't let him have Skittles or a Candy Ring.

What tatics have worked for you?

[mustangtbn]

I rarely, if ever give in to fits. I can't think of a time I have. I do, however, give in to a persuasive argument on occasion if I think that my child really does have a good point. Also, generally when we go shopping, everyone (including me!) gets to pick out one inexpensive treat, which helps. If DD really wants that candy ring or whatever, she can choose to get it and put back the other treat, and I'm ok with that (but normally she doesn't because she wants the other treat more).

[Llyra]

I will reconsider if talked to reasonably, sometimes, very occasionally. Not often, though, and NEVER if the child is whining, yelling, fussing, crying, or refusing to stop touching things after clearly being asked to.

I think the best long term solution to this is to be absolutely consistent. Mean what you say and say what you mean. If you said we're only buying these things, buy only those things, and be calm and sympathetic, but totally unmoved, if the child protests. If the child's protesting progresses to a full-blown fit, leave the store, go to the car until the child calms down, then return to the store and persist in your original plan to buy only what's on the list.

I have found that if I follow through with this every single time, they learn fairly quickly that raising a fuss accomplishes nothing, and that I really do truly mean what I say, and they stop working so hard to change my mind and find something more pleasant to do or talk about.

[crl]

I don't give in ever. DS takes 10 miles for every inch I give. If I had a more mellow child, I might be more flexible.

Catherine

[BarnMomma]

I give in when the request is reasonable. For instance I decided DS needed slippers so off we went to Target. I found nice sheepskin looking fussy warm slipper that fit the bill perfectly. DS however spotted giant stupid Cars slippers that would obviously trip him on a regular basis. He begged and begged and finally I said what the heck becasue they ARE slippers.

But tantrum throwing and the like is never given into. I will cease shopping and remove us from the store pronto. And DS loves to shop so he gets the idea pretty quick.

[HollyBearsMom]

I never give in over fits, temper tantrums and the like. If that occors in a store or restaurant we leave. Thats it, no negotiations. But, and it is a big BUT, I always make the expectations very clear. "today is a looking day ONLY, we are not buying anything except what is on the list".

However I "give in" lots of other times when the fight isnt worth the struggle. to me the following isn't worth getting into it over:

clothes: he is in charge of what to wear. Do i cringe sometimes? yes but hey its his choice.

food: I make one dinner and thats it. If you don't like it help yourself to something else. this holds true to DH when I cook and me when he cooks.

hair: again, his choice

Allowance: he can spend it as he wants. it is his money, his choice

To me its about picking your spots.

[siobhang]

Originally Posted by mustangtbn

I rarely, if ever give in to fits. I can't think of a time I have. I do, however, give in to a persuasive argument on occasion if I think that my child really does have a good point. Also, generally when we go shopping, everyone (including me!) gets to pick out one inexpensive treat, which helps. If DD really wants that candy ring or whatever, she can choose to get it and put back the other treat, and I'm ok with that (but normally she doesn't because she wants the other treat more).

Ditto.

I pick my battles. I sometimes will relax a rule for a reason - like we have a "no candy before breakfast" rule that I relaxed due to the snow days - but we made the rules clear - when there is a snow day, we all get to lounge in our PJs, eat treats and watch too much TV. In a way, the exception to the rule can reinforce the rule if the exception is clearly marked as an exception (and not just a "mommy feels like it" whim).

I also want to teach my kids to politely and respectfully question rules - and help them learn to negotiate.

WE have some non-negotiable rules and some negotiable ones.

[cedoreilly]

My rule is that the kids (my two younger ones) only get one treat of their choosing on Fridays right before I head to the check out during grocery shopping (DS3 it is usually StarBust and DS2 it has been usually a bagel from the bakery). If they ask anyother time during the week when I am out someplace else shopping, I remind them they only get a treat after grocery shopping and they are OK with that.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I never gave in when DD threw fits when she was younger. She doesn't throw fits anymore (she's almost 5).

But I do change my mind sometimes. Today, for example, she wanted a helium balloon at the grocery store. I always say no, and she always wants one. She asked if she could carry one while we shopped, and I said okay. I realized she was really enjoying the balloon more than I thought she would, so when we got to the register, I changed my mind and bought it. She's been quite delighted with it all day.

[Tigerchild]

I make very few rules, just the ones that are ones I am willing to walk out of the store for. And then I don't give in.

I also don't ask permission, as a rule. (I don't do the, "Here is the expectation, okay?") Since it's not really my child's choice on those particular things, I don't feel comfortable implying that it is. Probably this is semantics on my part, but it worked well for my 3 very different personalitied DC to be very clear and solid with as few rules as I could get away with.

But generally if the child tantrums I don't give in, period. I'm not mean or punitive about it. I just considered it to be MY mistake (I took them out when they were not really capable of dealing with things), so I would kindly scoop them up and remedy the situation (by going home). Oh, that was very hard, since I hate making people's lives difficult (the poor retail or grocery people who were going to have to shopback all my stuff--in the grocery store I always tried to say something to a cashier or manager or someone at the service desk to alert them).

As far as rules at home, I don't have much. I do try to say yes as often as possible. If I'm not open to discussion, then I disclose that truthfully. If I'm considering something and leaning towards no, I'll often ask my DC to give me some reasons or ask them why they want to do X. Sometimes it resolves in their favor right at that moment, sometimes they won't be able to do it then but we can come to an agreement about another time/place, sometimes it resolves in my favor. It works out pretty well for our family. Don't get me wrong, all three of my kids still have big kid tantrums from time to time, but believe it or not, they're pretty likely to go work it out and pound a pillow to get the out of control emotions out and then ask if we can talk about it. It's been a good model for ME as well.

[wemoon]

I rarely ever give in for anything. My kids get an allowance, so I remind them before we leave that I am not buying anything for them, so if they want something they should bring their money. Especially after having to use their own money to buy things, they realize that it is unrealistic to get something every time.

[mama2mygirl]

I never gave in. I always figured if I gave in once, it would open every store situation up for tantrums.
I do usually try and get something I know dd wants.

[hipumpkins]

I give in to gum. when they ask for gum I try to say yes as often as possible.
the other day we were in CVS for absolutely ages with the photo guy and my kids played very nicely on the floor with the little cars they sell. they did not ask for a car or pester they just played. So before we left I said, "Go and choose a pack of gum, EACH" My kids almost fainted. they usually have to agree on a flavor.
I didn;t really say, "Oh b/c you were so good" but I let it be known that I felt very low stress in the store and was feeling generous.

[cappuccinosmom]

I never give in to fits. A fit is guaranteed to get the opposite result desired.

I do, however, regularly "bless" my children after shopping trips. The rule is that they do not ask for "treats" and they are not entitled to them so shouldn't expect them, but mama sometimes buys them just because. That seems to work out pretty well.

[crl]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom

I never give in over fits, temper tantrums and the like. If that occors in a store or restaurant we leave. Thats it, no negotiations. But, and it is a big BUT, I always make the expectations very clear. "today is a looking day ONLY, we are not buying anything except what is on the list".

However I "give in" lots of other times when the fight isnt worth the struggle. to me the following isn't worth getting into it over:

clothes: he is in charge of what to wear. Do i cringe sometimes? yes but hey its his choice.

food: I make one dinner and thats it. If you don't like it help yourself to something else. this holds true to DH when I cook and me when he cooks.

hair: again, his choice

Allowance: he can spend it as he wants. it is his money, his choice

To me its about picking your spots.

See to me, when you say something is the child's choice, it's not giving in. I give DS lots of choices--mostly the same ones you do. And I buy him treats at the store. And so on. But I do not change the rules mid-stream. So if I say, we only need 2 things at the store and we are not getting any extra treats, I don't "give in" if he asks/whines/begs while we are at the store.

Catherine

[Kidzaplenty]

I don't give in to fits. And when I go with specific lists, I just constantly remind them, "Only -insert whatever here- goes in the cart today".

Like on days I go grocery shopping, they will ask for this or that, and I will say, "If you can't eat it, it does not go home with us". Or something like that.

I find that when I make it very clear, they quickly learn I mean business. But, I do try and get them treats on other visits when I have not made a specific list. That way they know there are times the do get what they want.

[darcytrue]

If you have treats at home already or goldfish or another snack then I suggest taking them in your purse so you are prepared to give your child something when he starts to fuss. Also, what worked with my oldest child when he was a toddler was telling him he could get something from the machines at the front of the store when we leave if he behaves or letting him ride the little pony go round thingy outside the store for a quarter. That always worked with him.

Having "something" else to divert their attention is always better than flat out saying 'no' IMO if you want to avoid a scene or a meltdown.

[madskye]

I try to reserve NO for really important things, so that I'm not backed into the corner of "giving in" or "holding strong" when DD gets passionate about something.

That said, I don't give in to fits, ever.

I will listen if DD asks for something nicely.

If she were throwing regular tantrums at checkout, I would stop bringing her to the store for a few weeks. I know that's not an easy solution for everyone, but I'd try to plan my shopping when DH was home or I had a sitter. And I'd explain that she can come back to the store with me when she's a little older, stops throwing tantrums, and starts listening to Mommy. I pretty much gave up on bringing DD to stores when she was 3-3.5. Now, at 4.5, she's actually fun company at the grocery store and other places. She just needed a little time to grow up some.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by crl

See to me, when you say something is the child's choice, it's not giving in. I give DS lots of choices--mostly the same ones you do. And I buy him treats at the store. And so on. But I do not change the rules mid-stream. So if I say, we only need 2 things at the store and we are not getting any extra treats, I don't "give in" if he asks/whines/begs while we are at the store.

Catherine

Bad choice of words on parts. I meant giving in that I don't argue about these things. Many friends and strangers think I "give in" by not forcing him to were a coat whens its cold, not forcing him to eat "one more bit", making him "look like a girl" when his hair is long.

The playground monitor heard me say "Hey bud, do you want your coat? its chilly." He said no and ran off so I out the coat back in the car. The monitor jsut shook her head at me.

But your right, these are choices and since it they are his to make I am not giving in!

[mamalisa]

Originally Posted by crl

I don't give in ever. DS takes 10 miles for every inch I give. If I had a more mellow child, I might be more flexible.

Catherine

My younger child is like that. She needs solid rules with no wavering, otherwise she's a beast. Most of my rules are flexible overall, it mostly depends on the moment and it works fine for ds.