How to handle a four-year old who hits --preferably using an UP approach

[quelindo]

My son has always been VERY attached and needy in that he has always needed our constant attention. He's essentially an only child and I'm home full-time, so I guess that's not too surprising. But he's always been very sweet and gentle...until he turned four.

Whoo boy. He started hitting and attacking us, to the point that I'd have to wrestle away from him and lock myself in the bathroom. I tried restraining him, holding him and comforting him, but that NEVER seemed to do anything but escalate things.

After a little while (a month or so later) he stopped hitting. He would start to say, "If you don't do such-and-such I'm going to HIT you!" but he wouldn't actually hit. Then when I would say that hitting is not the way to express frustration, etc., he would say, "I wasn't going to actually hit you, I just wanted it to sound bad." Occasionally he would start to say, "I'm going to h--" and then I could hear him correct himself.

But then he started hitting again. It sort of goes in spurts. It hasn't been as bad as when he first turned four (he's four years and almost five months) but he'll still hit us. Sometimes he runs away after hitting us and it's like he's trying to provoke a reaction. I've asked him why he hits, and he says "it's a secret." He won't talk about why he hit in a particular situation, even though it's clearly because he's upset/angry/frustrated. I've tried to give him things to say instead of hitting.

It's SO frustrating for us. What should we do? I'm very much a fan of Alfie Kohn & Unconditional Parenting, so I don't really think punishments or rewards are the way to go (nor do they seem to be effective). But I'm hoping to hear any input that anyone has to offer at this point.

[sgmom]

It really sounds like he's trying to communicate with you. And I love that he says "its' a secret" (meaning there's a reason, and he might be asking you to figure it out) instead of something simple like "because!". He may or may not know what that reason is, but the fact that he's challenging you to figure it out is awesome.

Does he like to pretend play? A puppet show, playing doctor, or a tea party (somewhere where you can pretend to be other people) might help him to open up. Let him be the man in control (ie the doctor, not the patient) and see what happens.

You could also try getting to his level and relating to what you think the problem might be. "You must be feeling very frustrated/angry/etc for wanting to hit me like that." And instead of asking him direct questions (or that might work too), you can try talking to him in a way that makes him understand that you understand why he might be feeling this way too. (IE. Instead of asking why he's afraid of the dark, you would say "When I was little, I was also afraid of the dark".)

Have you read Playful Parenting? There are some great suggestions in that book in how to get a child to want to talk to you.

I would definitely keep the lines of communication open though. I could be wrong, but I don't think you're as far off as you think you are.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

DD went through a brief hitting phase. She never hit very hard and the moment of frustration didn't last very long, so this might not be helpful for you if your son is hitting repeatedly for several minutes or chasing you into the bathroom.

I pretty much ignored the hitting and focused on what the problem was. I'd catch her arm or foot or whatever just enough to take the force out of it (letting go immediately) while saying something like, "wow, that's really frustrating! Can I help?" I didn't call attention to the hitting. But she also never threatened to hit, or seemed to be planning ahead to be aggressive.

It sounds like he might be hitting because it makes him feel powerful to have you react. Maybe you can find a way to minimize your attention to the hitting, or take the power out of it, "Looks like you're really angry and want to hit something! Here, I'll hold up this pillow and you see how hard you can hit it. Harder! Let's get those angries out! Do it again."

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

It sounds like he might be hitting because it makes him feel powerful to have you react. Maybe you can find a way to minimize your attention to the hitting, or take the power out of it, "Looks like you're really angry and want to hit something! Here, I'll hold up this pillow and you see how hard you can hit it. Harder! Let's get those angries out! Do it again."

I used to use this technique with a girl I used to nanny, although instead of using the pillow as a punching bag, she would lay on her bed and scream into it (as loud as she could, kicking her legs, etc) when she felt as though she was out of, or losing control. And once she got the energy out, she was able to calm down and talk it out. It's completely different, but it worked really well.

I LOVE, LOOOOVE this idea.

[Dar]

I think most four year olds like to experiment with power a lot. This is often the age of superheroes... and it's the age when kids figure out that they really can do things to try to control their world, but they don't always have the judgment and impulse control to make positive choices.

I've seen parents try to handle it in a lot of ways, and in my experience the most successful have been the ones who clearly don't allow it but also don't make much of a fuss out of it. There's really not much to do besides keeping him from hitting (physically, if necessary... and it often is) and saying something simple like, "Oops, no hitting." He knows he's not supposed to, he just can't quite follow through on it all the time yet. In time he will.