Soothing a crying baby

[aeiou]

I kind of already know how I feel about this (that I'm right), but I would like some input on how other people feel about this.

When 2 month old dd is crying and I'm not holding her (and dh isn't holding her), I feel compelled to take her and soothe her. I know that that person might be capable of soothing her, but I feel like I want to and should be the one to soothe her. DH has been talking to me lately about how he feels that she should be able to be soothed by people who aren't us, that she should get used to being soothed by others. I know that what he really means is that his mother is feeling insulted that I take dd away when mil is holding dd and dd starts to cry. My thinking is that babies should be soothed by their parents first and, if the parents are otherwise unable to soothe the baby (because they are out for a little bit or in the bathroom or what have you), grandparents can do the soothing.
I guess I've been thinking about this even more lately as we are about to go to different places for Christmas and other family members will want to hold dd. I'm ok with other people holding her, I just feel like I should be the person to soothe her if she cries (not just a little fussiness, more like full on crying that won't stop with a little shushing or whatever). I don't want to insult my mil, but I do want to do what I feel is right for my dd. What do you all think about this?

Also, I use my finger to soothe her instead of a pacifier since I started doing that when she was first born so she wouldn't have nipple confusion. She sometimes will take a pacifier, but usually she'll just spit it out. DH is also concerned with how others will perceive my using my finger as a pacifier. Is this something that anyone else does on a regular basis or am I really the crazy one here?

[texaspeach]

if ds starts to cry I take him from who ever might be holding him, unless it's dh. Frankly I don't care what they think. He's a baby and clearly if he is crying he needs his mother (or father).

DS also sucks my finger instead of a pacifier (he took a paci for about 6 weeks and then rejected it), I think that's pretty normal.

[Fujiko]

Well, from my experience with dd, the only reason she cried was because she was hungry. (She couldn't care less if she had a messy diaper, and if she was tired, she wanted to nurse to sleep anyway.) So if she were to have started crying as a small infant, I would have said something like "Time for some milk!" and taken her.

Frankly I've never been comfortable leaving my infant to cry whether they are held by someone or not. If my dd was crying her needs were obviously not being met. (But again, she was the kind of baby to only cry when she NEEDED something.)

[nameisrio]

I agree with everything said here. I would always take my daughter from someone when she cried. I actually felt guilty if I didn't - not just to my daughter, but to the other person who was holding her. It was my JOB to soothe her and I could do it faster than anyone else.

Also did the finger in her mouth as she had trouble b-feeding in the beginning and we didn't want to use a pacifier. I never even considered that others would find it weird. And if they do, who cares??

[April Dawn]

My MIL and I have clashed on this one, too!

Edited by April Dawn - 7/5/11 at 7:57pm

[aeiou]

thanks!

Thank you for all of your replies. I felt like I was doing the right thing for her, I guess I just wanted some reassurance that it wasn't also crazy for me to think that was the right thing if that makes sense. Also, it's not like mil will say anything to me about it. She will just talk to dh about something if she thinks something I'm doing is different from what she thinks is normal (example: she acted like homebirth was totally ok when we were talking about it but expressed concern to dh later) It's kind of annoying that he gets put in the middle like that, but he supports me so I guess ok for now.

Anyway, thanks again for your replies. It always helps to get some reassurance.

[Ruthla]

If you took the baby back whenever he (she?) fussed a little, then I'd say that maybe you need to give Grandma a chance to soothe the baby on her own. But if the baby is actively crying, and Mommy's available, of course Grandma should give the baby back to Mommy!

There's never a need to use a pacifier if you dont' want to (but they're also not harmful as long as they're not overused.) But I do want to warn you about letting babies suck on your fingers- it's fine when they don't have teeth yet, but if a baby chomps down on you with even one tiny tooth popped through, it HURTS!!! Whenever my babies wanted to suck, I'd usually offer to nurse. I never found much need to offer a finger or a pacifier or anything else to suck on.

[SeekingJoy]

I would also announce "time to nurse!" and scoop up baby. But, if I thought the fussing might be because of a messy diaper, needing to be swaddled, etc I would let MIL or whomever was holding baby try that first.

It may have just been my family, but I noticed that those in the grandparents generation would try to distract the baby and stimulate them further instead of actually helping them to settle/sleep/calm. In those cases, I just took the baby.

[Icehockey18]

I too would say that my lo needs to eat and swoop in. IMO a 2 mo needs mommy and daddy to soothe. At that young everything is still so new and they just want mama! I agree dad needs to be a soother as well, but for us dh wasn't as comfortable with it, although some dads are naturals!
I guess as they get older others can soothe, but IMO if mom is available she should soothe, because it is probably frustrating for the lo. They can see you and want you and don't understand why they can't have you.... But that's just how I feel, I'm sure others feel different... My ds is just a mama's boy

[BrittneyMarie]

I must come from an oddball family. my mil says the fun part of being grandma is that she can hand her over when she cries!

[MamaChicken]

I have a little different perspective I guess. DD was 18 mo when the twins were born. Needless to say, someone else had to comfort a crying baby pretty often. I really tugs at my heartstrings, even now. My oldest DS (11yo), DH, BF are all drafted as baby holders/soothers on a regular basis. As long as I am not in the room, whoever is crying seems to do just fine. Fusses for a little while and then either calms down or falls asleep. But they are being held in loving arms.

In your situation, if you felt at all inclined to let MIL sooth your baby, I would go over and give her a quick kiss, say how much I love her, then go into another room and let MIL love on her for a while. If she didn't settle in 5 minute (or got frantic at all) I would immediately go back in a take her. As long as she isn't hungry or in a dirty diaper, then fussing in loving arms won't hurt her at all.

[cileag]

Originally Posted by MamaChicken

I have a little different perspective I guess. DD was 18 mo when the twins were born. Needless to say, someone else had to comfort a crying baby pretty often. I really tugs at my heartstrings, even now. My oldest DS (11yo), DH, BF are all drafted as baby holders/soothers on a regular basis. As long as I am not in the room, whoever is crying seems to do just fine. Fusses for a little while and then either calms down or falls asleep. But they are being held in loving arms.

In your situation, if you felt at all inclined to let MIL sooth your baby, I would go over and give her a quick kiss, say how much I love her, then go into another room and let MIL love on her for a while. If she didn't settle in 5 minute (or got frantic at all) I would immediately go back in a take her. As long as she isn't hungry or in a dirty diaper, then fussing in loving arms won't hurt her at all.

Very well said. I'm of the same mind.

[Kikelet]

Originally Posted by MamaChicken

I have a little different perspective I guess. DD was 18 mo when the twins were born. Needless to say, someone else had to comfort a crying baby pretty often. I really tugs at my heartstrings, even now. My oldest DS (11yo), DH, BF are all drafted as baby holders/soothers on a regular basis. As long as I am not in the room, whoever is crying seems to do just fine. Fusses for a little while and then either calms down or falls asleep. But they are being held in loving arms.

In your situation, if you felt at all inclined to let MIL sooth your baby, I would go over and give her a quick kiss, say how much I love her, then go into another room and let MIL love on her for a while. If she didn't settle in 5 minute (or got frantic at all) I would immediately go back in a take her. As long as she isn't hungry or in a dirty diaper, then fussing in loving arms won't hurt her at all.

I think this is also an acceptable approach. Although I am fully prepared to take my screaming baby away from someone, I also don't want to take the baby every time if she merely fusses (we're having a girl), especially if first time grandma is having a nice time holding her. My mom, grandma, and plenty of other women in my family are excellent mothers and I trust them very much with my baby. I also know that if the baby seems to be having a rough time they will let me know or I will choose to soothe her. I would like to put more faith in knowing her cues, like when she's a little fussy versus really needing mommy or daddy. I totally don't mean to sound insensitive!! I do agree that if you want to soothe your baby, that is your right to do at any time you feel the need, of course I'm sure I will want to take her every time she peeps, as a first-time mom, but I will also take great joy in seeing others with my baby, loving on her and trying to keep her happy.

I helped one of my friends recently with her newborn. She was preparing dinner and needed to tend to her toddler. Baby was not happy, but I was able to shush and rock him enough for him to not be so upset. He calmed down completely when mama could take him only minutes later, but he was relatively soothed by someone who was not mama.

Just follow your gut!

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by SeekingJoy

I noticed that those in the grandparents generation would try to distract the baby and stimulate them further instead of actually helping them to settle/sleep/calm.

My IL's do this!!! I get a lot of "oh, you can't possibly be hungry/tired now" (directed to DD, indirectly to me. Also, when I announce that DD needs milk (or mama) my MIL has the nerve to walk away from me (holding DD) and keep her out of my reach. We haven't solved this problem yet.

[BrittneyMarie]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

My IL's do this!!! I get a lot of "oh, you can't possibly be hungry/tired now" (directed to DD, indirectly to me. Also, when I announce that DD needs milk (or mama) my MIL has the nerve to walk away from me (holding DD) and keep her out of my reach. We haven't solved this problem yet.

I would lose my mind! Not ok!

[Cheshire]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

My IL's do this!!! I get a lot of "oh, you can't possibly be hungry/tired now" (directed to DD, indirectly to me. Also, when I announce that DD needs milk (or mama) my MIL has the nerve to walk away from me (holding DD) and keep her out of my reach. We haven't solved this problem yet.

Ugh! Sorry you have to deal with that. How about "Next time I come towards you to take my child and you walk away from me will be the last time you hold her. Do you understand?" Natural consequences in my mind. If the little hints haven't worked than the straight forward one will.

For the OP - follow your instincts and remind DH that this, too, shall pass. Our son could be easily comforted by either me or my DH but our daughter is a momma's girl right now. DH knows not to take it personally and fortunately our families also understand.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by Cheshire

Ugh! Sorry you have to deal with that. How about "Next time I come towards you to take my child and you walk away from me will be the last time you hold her. Do you understand?" Natural consequences in my mind. If the little hints haven't worked than the straight forward one will.

I would love to say that! I always think that in my mind but never have had the courage to say it. DH would be mortified, and MIL would probably cry (a manipulative cry to DH, not a genuine cry...)