DH issues with spirited 3 yo

[ElliesMomma]

DD is 3.5. she has "energy upon energy upon energy upon energy" (the words of the ballet teacher); everyone agrees she's quite a handful. i SAHM; we also have a 3 mo DS, and it's become increasingly challenging.

i admit; i'm not perfect; i have resorted to yelling at her occasionally, especially when i'm trying to sleep or get the baby to sleep and she continues to pester me/us. but i always apologize to her when this happens, and i reassure her that i always love her even when i'm angry. she knows she has my unconditional love.

DH has issues with her that flare up when he is tired, and especially when she is also tired. tonight (Christmas eve), the problems flared.

DH has always wanted us to go to church together on Christmas eve. (we're not regular church goers.) so i found out what time the service is at a local church, the one he suggested. it was 7 pm. DH had to work today, and he gets up at 3:30 am for work, so he was tired. DD runs around like crazy all day, and during the service, she started complaining about being tired.

i sat there and continued to nurse DS. the service went on for about an hour. DD has an inability to sit still. she is only 3.5 yo, so it's not really fair to call her hyper. but she has all of the characteristics of hyperactivity. she won't stop talking. she won't (or can't) sit still.

being a SAHM and with her constantly, i have a number of strategies for surviving in these kinds of situations. in the church (we were sitting in the back row), i allowed her to climb around, stick her butt in the air, etc., etc., as long as she wasn't coming near touching other people and wasn't about to fall out of the chairs. DH kept wanting her to sit next to him. when she did, he continually nitpicked her for not sitting perfectly still in the seat. when he did this, she just acted worse, talked loud, etc.

the program was about 70 percent finished, when they lit candles, they let each attendee hold a lit candle, and i let DD hold it. first i warned her that she would have to sit perfectly still, and not drop the candle, not touch it to anything, not get her hair in it, or things could catch fire.

this was the first time all night she actually sat still! they started singing silent night, and i got tears in my eyes seeing her sit there perfectly still holding a candle. but that was when DH decided that DD was going to get hot wax on her fingers (the church had put a little ring of paper around the candle so that wouldn't happen, however) and asked her to give the candle to him. of course she didn't want to, and protested loudly. SO HE BLEW OUT HER CANDLE. i was so sad. she of course had a very loud fit, and at that point i felt i had no choice but to pick her up (me still holding/nursing DS too) and walk out, as she was making a scene.

DH followed us out, with our coats, called her a "little brat" and stormed out to the car.

i felt so crushed. in the car, he kept making it worse, picking on her behavior more (as if there was anything to do about it at that point, there wasn't) and besides, she was in hysterics, so not listening at all. DS started crying too. DH got mad at me for, basically, not supporting/backing up his parenting.

but i just can't support that!

later at home, after i took both kids directly upstairs and did bedtime routine as usual, plus took DD back down to put out milk and cookies for Santa, DH apologized, saying "mom is right, i should not have blown out your candle." but i don't think DH thinks he did anything wrong.

later after they were asleep i told him that his being tired and her being tired is a bad combination, and that's why i always get them to sleep before he gets home from work. and next year if he wants to go to church on Christmas eve that we should try to find one that goes at like 5 pm, as 7 pm is clearly too late.

DD said the daddy blowing out her candle was the worst part of her day, and it was for me, too. DH took what could have been a positive experience all around and made it into a big fat negative.

does anyone have any words of advice for me? i'm still sad when i think about it. TIA.

[SoulCakes]

This breaks my heart a little bit because I've gone through similar moments with my daughter and husband. My husband is more strict than I am and expects better behavior than our daughter can occasionally provide. It's hard, that line where you want to support his parenting while also doing the right thing by your child. I try to remind myself (over and over again) that most of the time it's simply a difference in perspective and opinion, and her self-esteem isn't going to be damaged because he asks her to sit still more than I do.

Sometimes, though, emotions are overblown and someone's feelings really do get hurt. What should have been a memorable, spiritual moment ended in tears. It's sad, it really is, but we all have to find a way to use these moments to turn ourselves into better people - your partner, to be more accepting and patient, yourself, to let go, and your daughter, that more candles can be lit.

My partner and I have a signal: if I feel he's making a mountain out of a molehill in regard to Madeleine's behavior, I make the signal and he drops it. It used to be that I would jump in and defend her and we'd end up having an argument. While I'd still defend her in a heartbeat if I needed to, it's much simpler, and less dramatic, to just give the signal and cut the whole thing short. Our house is more peaceful now.

Good luck. I know it's hard seeing past this and wondering if all Christmases are going to be like this one, but they won't. People grow, kids move past the bouncy stage and life goes on. Merry Christmas to you, mama.

[ssh]

Will your DH read a book. Mary Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child and Parents, Kids and Power Struggles are both really useful. One of the main things he needs to understand is normal development.
My DH won't read things but if I explain why we should to do things certain ways he will try to implement it. I did have a couple of conversations about the need to treat our DD with as much respect as he shows anyone else so she will learn how to be a respectful person and expect respectful treatment from the people in her life.

[alicia622]

IMO- the biggest mistake was deciding to take a 3 and a half year old to a church service on christmas eve when she isn't used to how to act in that environment!!!

Anyway, DH had a bit of a fit yesterday afternoon due to DS being his normal difficult self (not wanting to do anything- even the things he likes doing- just because!) I have no advice, just letting you know it's hard when the parents have different opinions on how to parent. Somedays, single parenting seems like a much simpler option!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by alicia622

IMO- the biggest mistake was deciding to take a 3 and a half year old to a church service on christmas eve when she isn't used to how to act in that environment!!!

Agreed. I hate when we have inter-generational services because my 4YO has a hard time sitting still through the services. It's so crowded on Christmas Eve, too, so it probably was a rough time all around.

My DH also does things like yours did. And blames me for a lot of them. I don't have advice, just commiseration. DH also says I don't "back him up," but what he really wants is for me to step in and be the tough guy. I'm not. I always thought I would be a much stricter parent than I am, but it's not the way it is.

[Lasater]

I do not have advice on this topic, but reading it reminded me a lot of my own father. When I was growing up my father could not STAND to see me get hurt. It was to the point that if I was doing anything even REMOTELY dangerous, he was in knots waiting to jump in and stop me. My mother said there were many times when she had to ask him to just go to the other room and take a few breaths because she didn't feel what I was doing needed to be stopped. He could not handle seeing me or my brother get hurt. You wrote that your husband was afraid that hot wax would drip on your daughter and HIS discomfort of the situation caused him to blow out her candle. Was he right that eventually his little girl was going to get burned or drip hot wax on herself? Possibly. I have wondered what most parents do at candle-light services with small children. It seems like an inconvenient time to try and teach your child about "fire safety", but at the same time isn't your child going to be upset if they are the only ones without a lit candle? Don't know what the right thing to do is. Honestly, it sounds like you handled yourself very gracefully. You never mentioned freaking out or snapping at your husband or daughter for their outbursts. You picked everyone up, left the service, did your bedtime routine, prepared for Santa, and your husband on his own apologized once he had cooled off.....and it's over. Try again next year. Sounds like the right way to handle it to me.

[LynnS6]

Next year, look for a Children's service. Our church has a 7 pm service that sounds a lot like the one you went to. We also have a 4 pm children's service where noise is expected. (They gave out little wands with bells on them this year and the pastor made a point to say that while parents might be worried that the kids were ringing the bells too much, there was no time in the service where bells would not be a good idea -- so ring away kids.)

In general, I would suggest two things: Have some things that your dh does that's "his" - some of of them should be fun (outings, games to play) and some of them should be routine (baths, dinnertime or whatever). It sounds like he gets up for work before they're awake and comes home after they're in bed? So when does he get time to build the relationship? As you noted yourself, you don't always do things perfectly as well, and they are going to have to negotiate their own relationship. I wouldn't make too much of this incident, but instead work on getting him to do more with your dd.

The other thing is that he sounds like he needs to read up on child development a bit. My favorite book for this (out of print, but you can often get a copy) is Parenting with Purpose by Lynda Madison. It's short, sweet and talks about expected behaviors at ages 1, 2, 3 and 4.