I am not sure if I have chemical PPD but I am prone to depression and I know that's what I am experiencing. DS was born 3 weeks early to induction and it snowballed into a c-section. Long story short I feel as if he was surgically removed and I didn't give birth. I also have no particular emotion towards him. I love him but I don't have those feelings a mom ought to have towards her child. I have been working in childcare for about 13 years and he feels like just another child to care for, not MY child. We are having problems bfing as well. He lost too much weight because he refused to eat and I was so tired from the drugs they gave me that I gave up bfing at the hospital so he was supplemented and now refuses the breast. He is starting to take it now but only for a couple sucks and not a meal. At least he no longer screams because that was ripping my heart out. It still hurts every time I have to feed him because it reminds me that he won't take my breast. I was so worried they wouldn't work because of my reduction surgery and it turns out they work just fine but he won't have them. I have been understandably depressed over the whole situation. Lately however I have noticed a trend beginning that I get with my depression. Back in college I would think of different ways to harm myself even though I was not suicidal nor would I have ever acted on those thoughts. It was more of a morbid game I would play (although I didn't want to play because it disturbed me greatly). For example, while driving down the highway I would imagine swerving into oncoming traffic and then I would feel disgusted by the thought and drive more carefully worried I might actually do it but knowing I wouldn't.
Well tonight at church we were in the balcony and I was sitting near the edge. I had the horrible thought of DS being dropped over the side. I held him closer and scooted away from the edge (I was already several feet away but it was too close for comfort still). I thought how horrible it was of me to even let a thought like that enter my mind. My question is what will happen if I tell that to the person I plan to talk to about my depression. I am a psychology major so I know all about the legality of reporting suicidal or homicidal thoughts but will they call CPS on me for having a thought with PPD? I told DH about it right away and told him I want to talk to a professional. He supports me but I am still kinda worried that we'll be put through all this scrutiny. How does PPD counseling work? Is it still held by the same law to report and would that thought constitute them reporting me? We never talked about PPD in college, only that it is a type of depression.
Well tonight at church we were in the balcony and I was sitting near the edge. I had the horrible thought of DS being dropped over the side. I held him closer and scooted away from the edge (I was already several feet away but it was too close for comfort still). I thought how horrible it was of me to even let a thought like that enter my mind. My question is what will happen if I tell that to the person I plan to talk to about my depression. I am a psychology major so I know all about the legality of reporting suicidal or homicidal thoughts but will they call CPS on me for having a thought with PPD? I told DH about it right away and told him I want to talk to a professional. He supports me but I am still kinda worried that we'll be put through all this scrutiny. How does PPD counseling work? Is it still held by the same law to report and would that thought constitute them reporting me? We never talked about PPD in college, only that it is a type of depression.
