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PPD Question

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
I am not sure if I have chemical PPD but I am prone to depression and I know that's what I am experiencing. DS was born 3 weeks early to induction and it snowballed into a c-section. Long story short I feel as if he was surgically removed and I didn't give birth. I also have no particular emotion towards him. I love him but I don't have those feelings a mom ought to have towards her child. I have been working in childcare for about 13 years and he feels like just another child to care for, not MY child. We are having problems bfing as well. He lost too much weight because he refused to eat and I was so tired from the drugs they gave me that I gave up bfing at the hospital so he was supplemented and now refuses the breast. He is starting to take it now but only for a couple sucks and not a meal. At least he no longer screams because that was ripping my heart out. It still hurts every time I have to feed him because it reminds me that he won't take my breast. I was so worried they wouldn't work because of my reduction surgery and it turns out they work just fine but he won't have them. I have been understandably depressed over the whole situation. Lately however I have noticed a trend beginning that I get with my depression. Back in college I would think of different ways to harm myself even though I was not suicidal nor would I have ever acted on those thoughts. It was more of a morbid game I would play (although I didn't want to play because it disturbed me greatly). For example, while driving down the highway I would imagine swerving into oncoming traffic and then I would feel disgusted by the thought and drive more carefully worried I might actually do it but knowing I wouldn't.

Well tonight at church we were in the balcony and I was sitting near the edge. I had the horrible thought of DS being dropped over the side. I held him closer and scooted away from the edge (I was already several feet away but it was too close for comfort still). I thought how horrible it was of me to even let a thought like that enter my mind. My question is what will happen if I tell that to the person I plan to talk to about my depression. I am a psychology major so I know all about the legality of reporting suicidal or homicidal thoughts but will they call CPS on me for having a thought with PPD? I told DH about it right away and told him I want to talk to a professional. He supports me but I am still kinda worried that we'll be put through all this scrutiny. How does PPD counseling work? Is it still held by the same law to report and would that thought constitute them reporting me? We never talked about PPD in college, only that it is a type of depression.
post #2 of 6


Saw your post off the main page. I don't have any experience with PPD, but I did find this site which has a PPD helpline that may give you those answers. It is so difficult to find any help over the Christmas holidays, so at least having a help line to call may be useful to you. Hang in there, Mama.

http://ppdhope.com/help_support.html
post #3 of 6
Thoughts of hurting the baby are a very common part of ppd. I think most moms with ppd have issues with that. If you see someone who knows anything about ppd they won't call CPS. I used to always have visions of dropping the baby over something, cutting her hand with a knife while I was fixing dinner, all kinds of horrible things. I'm afraid I don't know about the laws...but I don't think it should be an issue.

I noticed that you are in Fairbanks--my worst, scariest months of ppd were in Fairbanks in winter. Fairbanks in the winter is a recipe for depression. A couple hours of light each day, too cold to go outside, car doesn't work very well because it is so cold....you have my sympathy. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
post #4 of 6
Thread Starter 
Writing in my journal, talking to DH and taking warm baths is helping but I still think I ought to talk to someone. I am calling the clinic on Monday and asking who I call about PPD on post. I think I might tell them about my feelings about myself like driving in the wrong lane but not wanting to drive in the wrong lane. That way I don't have to say what I think about Cody until I feel comfortable with the person but they still get the info they need to help me. I really hate that I know so much about psychology. Counseling used to help emmensly before I got my degree... now I keep trying, keep talking to people, but it never helps anymore.

I don't know that I've had much SDD here in Alaska but with the depressing pregnancy and birth I bet the darkness is getting to me. I read to Cody last night and sat and watched him fall asleep. It was nice. I think continuing to do things like that with him will help as well. I know its a symptom of PPD but it is soooo nice to hear "real" people have the same problem and thoughts as do instead of reading about statistics. Thank you so much for sharing. I'll let you know how it goes when I see the professional.
post #5 of 6
*HUGS*

I had very similar feelings when DS was born. I felt nothing for him. He didn't feel like my baby, just some stranger baby that I had to take care of. I also played the mental minds games of all the ways I could kill myself and all the ways DS could get hurt, even though I had no inclination to act upon them.

One of the first questions that any professional asks about possible ppd is whether you've had thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, because it is one of the most common symptoms. I do not know about the laws, but I am pretty sure that CPS would not be called on you for admitting that.

I really hope that you can find a good counselor to help you. I never got the gumption up to talk to a professional, and it only made it harder on me and made the ppd last a much longer time than it had to.

Regarding bfing, have you talked to an LC? It's not necessarily too late to make bfing successful.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
post #6 of 6
Thread Starter 
I figure if the SNS can make a woman lactate who never had a child, it can make me lactate enough to make my son happy at the breast. He's hungry right now so I'll have to write more later... but going out shopping with him today made me happy.
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