I am losing my stepdaughter and it is killing me...

[kblackstone444]

I have a 9 year old stepdaughter. I've been in her life since she was 13 months old. I've been her primary caregiver when she's at our house, since she was three. She is the daughter I never had, my best friend, my child of my heart. I have always been the one she comes to when she needed someone to talk to, not her Dad, not her Mother, ME. Our personalities just clicked like that- if we were the same age, we would be that inseperable, once in a lifetime friendship, friends for life relationship. If I had written down a list of who I wanted my daughter to be and given it to God, he could not have done better than to send me her. I would die for her. My Husband is leaving me, I will no longer be her Stepmother, she will no longer be my child, I will be lucky if my Husband lets me see her once in a while. Losing "my daughter" hurts so bad. Having her think I'm leaving her on my own will, after I promised to never leave her, hurts so bad. I don't want to lose her physically, I don't want to lose her emotionally. Does anyone have a poem or song I can give her that will let her know that I didn't choose to leave her, would not leave her, will not leave her emotionally, but doesn't blame her Dad (even though, technically, HE's the one choosing to end the marriage) and that I will always be there for her (my Husband has promised that her will continue to foster our relationship) and that she has always been a child of my heart, even though I didn't give birth to her, and that leaving her is the last thing I ever wanted to do, but I have to? I'd like to give it to her next week- my Husband wants to tell her next week after New Year's, and the week after that, my son and I have to move out. How can I do this with letting her know how much I love her and so she doesn't feel like I abandoned her and, if possible, prevent her from feeling the hurt of the seperation as much as I already am?

[Fruitful4Him]

What a difficult situation. I am so sorry.

[Plaid Leopard]

Please write her a letter saying the beautiful things you have just written here. You can try to find a way to gently explain her father leaving the marriage, but letting her know in writing how much you love her and what she means to you is so important. I wish my mom had done that when my parents separated.
If she has a letter like this, she will know that even if she can't see you very often, you are there for her, and more importantly that you will ALWAYS be there for her, and that she can call you or write to you or even come see you when she wants.
I'm so sorry that you are oin through this. MAny hugs to you.

[meemee]

oh mama my heart breaks for you.

does your sdd need words?

i somehow prefer to stay away from words.

can you get her something special that signifies your relationship?

maybe a bf necklace where you wear half and she wears the other half. so if she or you feel sad you can touch yours and know the other one is around the other neck?

for a relationship like yours no words are needed. what would be great is if just you and your sdd went for something - a walk or icecream - and you sat and told her everything. and maybe gave her a poem. oooooooh i had a great idea. that song that the mom sings in the children's book 'i will be with you always' kwim. that would be perfect.

i am hoping things go well for you mama. i cant imagine going from primary caregiver to whatever your ex decides is ok with. i hope and pray that he wont let his feelings come in the way of your relationship.



.... i will say i did sigh a sigh of relief as i read your post. because when i read the title i thought your sdd was dying from something incurable.

[GreenGranolaMama]

So sorry Mama, my heart goes out to you. Maybe you could schedule time together on a regular basis? I know it won't be the same though... I learned that my aunt and uncle are divorcing and have yet to tell our family, so they were at Christmas today at my parents house. My uncle looked like he wanted to cry the entire time because it will be his last holiday with our family (he and my dad were best buds in high school as well). Peace and love to you.

[DivineMrsM]

i still keep in contact with my stepmom who my father divorced when i was 12. i am now 30. i don't speak to him in 10 years, but my stepmom was at my wedding and she has met both of my sons. so it is possible for you to have a relationship with your stepdaughter beyond your divorce. HOPEFULLY her dad helps you guys out in that manner. she is lucky to have you and hopefully your ex can see that.

you are an awesome stepmom for feeling about her the way you do. i was raised by my stepdad and my real mom. my SD is my DAD. he always will be. he CHOSE to be my dad. that is an amazing thing. it takes a super special kind of person to be a stepparent.

[triscuitsmom]

I am so so sorry for you and your daughter in all of this. Please don't give up on that relationship even if your STBX makes it difficult. She may very well want you even if he doesn't want you to have her.

My Dad and I havn't spoken in almost a year. I'm done. For a whole host of reasons that aren't really relevant to this thread. However my stepMom (whom I call Mom, she is my Mom) is still very much in my life, as is her partner. My Dad has never met my second son and doesn't know I'm pregnant with my third. My Mom was one of the first people in my family to know we were pregnant again. She and her partner both adore my children and I'm so glad that they are in our lives. We went through a tough year where we didn't talk much about a year after Mom and Dad split, and then we made our way back to each other. I have never waivered in my unconditional belief that she is my parent. And nothing she could ever do would change that...

I'm so sorry Mama. This is devastating for you and for her. I pray that you guys can have the kind of adult relationship that my Mom and I have now.

[GoestoShow]

.

Edited by GoestoShow - 1/4/11 at 9:08am

[morgainesmama]

I don't have an answer, but couldn't read your post without offering hugs. I was remarried in June, and what you are going through is one of my new husband's greatest fears, that something will happen to our relationship (or to me) that will sever his legal relationship with my children.

I can't imagine the tremendous amount of grief you are feeling, and I think your idea of sharing, in writing, with her what you are feeling is perfect.

If you write it, maybe the story of your journey together in brief would be apt, and the part of now, is the part where although adult relationships don't work out all the time, and that you value her father's happiness and need for autonomy, it doesn't end other relationships like the one you share?

The quilt from the movie "Stepmom" also comes to mind, as does the book "The Kissing Hand."

Along with the letters, maybe some stationery and stamped envelopes, with labels to an address where she can write to you, would be a nice gift, and/or a journal you send back and forth together?

The grief at losing time with my children during my divorce was heartwrenching. I cannot imagine the grief you are experiencing now, especially with the many uncertainties you face.

Have you spoken with an attorney to see whether you have any legal rights to pursue a custodial arrangement at this time? I know it is unlikely, but it could be a possibility???

[a-sorta-fairytale]

I am so sorry
Whenever i read your posts i could always feel the love you had for your SD. My dad and step mom divorced when i was 12. I kept in contact with her and we are still close to this day (closer then when she was married to my dad). My dad and i drifted out of contact and had hard times but i have always stayed connected to my stepmom and we werent super close before they divorced.

I go to her house for xmas eve every year. My ex step grandma makes beautiful dresses for my daughter every year and treats my kids like her great grandkids. It is a wonderful relationship that while hard to maintain while i was under 18 we both worked at it and it is so worth it.

I hope you can keep contact with her even if it is just a once a week phone call and once a month girls day.

[sophmama]

when i was 12 my parents cut my godfather out of my life. now i'm 30 and i talk to him all the time and i've had to cut my parents out of my life for their endless support of my abusive ex. in the end children figure it out. trust the universe that good will prevail. send her a letter & memento & press hard to have scheduled time with her on a regular basis. friend her on facebook or whatever networks she's on. support her in any way you can from a distance.