How do you feel when others tell your toddler "no"

[yasinsmama]

My SIL is visiting for the week, and every time DS touches something, she says "no". Umm, I told you twenty times you can not have a laptop open around him because he will want it, so wait until he is asleeep. And if it something around the house he's getting into, and i'm not syaing no, why do you think you need to tell him "no"?

We went to my mom's house yesterday, where there were 5 women (all family). The poor guy couldn't do anything right. I wish I would have counted the "no's". He is an explorer, but he will let me redirect him to something (most times) if he's getting into something I don't want him getting into.
I just kept scooping him up and nursing him so no one could even have any reason to tell him no. Ridiculous. And I feel awful for not standing up for him and telling them to lay off. And they wonder why I don't want to leave him at their house.

[gcgirl]

Totally depends on who, what, and how many. I have friends who don't want to let DS touch ANYTHING, and it's a PITA to go over to their houses. I usually allow it though unless it's making him TOO upset or if people seem angry when they say it, because I'm a big believer that DS has to learn to live in a world with OTHER PEOPLE, and not all other people are as reasonable as I am.

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by gcgirl

Totally depends on who, what, and how many. I have friends who don't want to let DS touch ANYTHING, and it's a PITA to go over to their houses. I usually allow it though unless it's making him TOO upset or if people seem angry when they say it, because I'm a big believer that DS has to learn to live in a world with OTHER PEOPLE, and not all other people are as reasonable as I am.

Yes. And if it's other people's property, I absolutely respect their wishes (and STOP my child from doing what they were doing that got the 'no'). If it's just some little ole busybody trying to interfere with my parenting (like if I'm with my child in public and tell my child they can do something, and some busybody comes up and says "no no"), I'll tell the other person straight up that it's my child and I told him/her it was appropriate to do.

But if it's another person's property and my child was getting into it? I feel like it's my responsibility to remove my child from the situation or teach my child how to respectfully co-exist with said property/people.

[gaudynight]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

Yes. And if it's other people's property, I absolutely respect their wishes (and STOP my child from doing what they were doing that got the 'no'). If it's just some little ole busybody trying to interfere with my parenting (like if I'm with my child in public and tell my child they can do something, and some busybody comes up and says "no no"), I'll tell the other person straight up that it's my child and I told him/her it was appropriate to do.

But if it's another person's property and my child was getting into it? I feel like it's my responsibility to remove my child from the situation or teach my child how to respectfully co-exist with said property/people.

. Exactly. I don't like feeling that my parenting is being interferred with, but there are times I think it's appropriate. And there are times it's not - if my toddler is playing with my book with I left on the floor, I'll deal with it as I see fit, you know? I appreciate the heads up if I'm busy with something but otherwise I'd rather they let me deal with it.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by yasinsmama

My SIL is visiting for the week, and every time DS touches something, she says "no". Umm, I told you twenty times you can not have a laptop open around him because he will want it, so wait until he is asleeep.

That's pretty out of line for you, imo. You expect her to leave her laptop unless he's asleep rather than redirect him??? If that happened to me, I wouldn't visit you again. Of course I'm attached to my laptop all the time, and yes, my kids went through that stage, but it's totally inappropriate to expect everyone else to keep their things put away because he's bothering it. As a PP said, if something belongs to someone else, then I think it's okay for her to tell him not to touch it, but it's your job to help him find something else to do.

[yasinsmama]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

That's pretty out of line for you, imo. You expect her to leave her laptop unless he's asleep rather than redirect him??? If that happened to me, I wouldn't visit you again. Of course I'm attached to my laptop all the time, and yes, my kids went through that stage, but it's totally inappropriate to expect everyone else to keep their things put away because he's bothering it. As a PP said, if something belongs to someone else, then I think it's okay for her to tell him not to touch it, but it's your job to help him find something else to do.

I get this.....but. If it were me, and a toddler kept trying to get my laptop (or whatever), and I had to say "no" a million times, I would just put it away if I wasn't doing anything important. I always redirect him, but sometimes, he wants what he wants. I get tired of getting up to take him to his toys, only for him to start screaming because he wants to play with the laptop. If I were in her shoes, and I have been before I had a baby, I would not want to keep doing the thing that was driving the baby bonkers because he could not have it (unless it's something important), mainly because it drives me bonkers to hear them constantly screaming.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by yasinsmama

I get this.....but. If it were me, and a toddler kept trying to get my laptop (or whatever), and I had to say "no" a million times, I would just put it away if I wasn't doing anything important. I always redirect him, but sometimes, he wants what he wants. I get tired of getting up to take him to his toys, only for him to start screaming because he wants to play with the laptop. If I were in her shoes, and I have been before I had a baby, I would not want to keep doing the thing that was driving the baby bonkers because he could not have it (unless it's something important), mainly because it drives me bonkers to hear them constantly screaming.

If I were her, I'd probably just leave and go somewhere with wi-fi or to my bedroom, but obviously she can't or doesn't want to to do that. Regardless, it's not out of line for her not to want your child to touch her things. Have you offered a less accessible place for her to sit to use her computer? I work on my laptop, so what I'm doing typically *is* important, but even if it's not, this is a good lesson about working with other people rather than have them live around your child. What else is there to do in your house while your child is awake? Are there other options for her, or is it just "don't do that until he's asleep?" Have you taken your son to a different room? Outside? Done something really great with him that may get his mind off the laptop?

[MCR]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

That's pretty out of line for you, imo. You expect her to leave her laptop unless he's asleep rather than redirect him??? If that happened to me, I wouldn't visit you again. Of course I'm attached to my laptop all the time, and yes, my kids went through that stage, but it's totally inappropriate to expect everyone else to keep their things put away because he's bothering it. As a PP said, if something belongs to someone else, then I think it's okay for her to tell him not to touch it, but it's your job to help him find something else to do.

If she;s bothered by him touching the computer she should move her darn computer, put it up on a table/use it in the bedroom whatever, she can't keep nagging the kid for doing whats natural in his own home, she was warned he's touch it.
In someone elses home I try to keep a close eye and intervien, but expect other family to say it at some point.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Op, because your sister is visiting you, in your home, where an 18 month old curious and active child is also living, it does seem appropriate to me that as a guest, she would be expected to respect the needs of the people she's visiting and how they live. I cannot even imagine someone bringing a laptop into my home, leaving it open within reach of my 25 month old, and spending the whole day telling him not to touch it. I mean seriously.

This is not a discipline issue in my opinion. It's rather like having a chair in a room without any other chairs; someone is going to sit in it and if they are told not to, they'll spend all the time they are standing in there wishing they could.

I would suggest a private area- maybe the room she's staying in unless it's also a common room- to keep her laptop open. Otherwise I think it's reasonable for you to insist that haviong the laptop accessible isn't as important as having a peaceful time together in the common areas of your home.

My brother learned this lesson immediately when he thought he would play with my then three boys with his cell phone on his belt, with the buttons visible. He first told them to please not touch it because it's delicate, but realised within the minute that he can either put it somewhere else or risk having it broken, and it just didn't make any sense to keep it there on principle; children at that age just don't grasp the 'gravity' of breaking such an object or the value we place on it, nor do they understand how delicate these items are. Our adjectives don't have any practical meaning to them until they've had the experience of actually breaking the object in question, and then they can say, "Ohhhh, that's what you meant...", but then it's too late.

So you could ask your sister how adamant she is about teaching through practical experience.

[jacie87]

I can't stand it when people tell my DD "no". If we are at their house, and it is their things, fine (though it still bugs me if the "no"s are excessive), but it seems to happen the most at my own home, and they are telling her "no" to things I have always allowed her to touch/play with/climb on, etc. And when I tell them I allow her to do the things they are saying "no" to, it usually still doesn't stop. People need to let me parent my own kid...

[sweetpeppers]

To be honest (and to just answer the question in the title), a lot of times, I feel a bit miffed. Most of the time he's not hurting anything or about to hurt anything. Many adults just have an automatic "NO" feature that I find rather annoying. I get very upset (and tend to avoid) people that shout "NO!" at him (unless he is about to you know stick his finger into an open light socket or something).

[Krisis]

Haven't read the other responses, but I got pretty darn upset yesterday when my 70 year old great aunt kept scolding Toby for shrieking. No one likes it when he shrieks, especially me, but we have tried EVERYTHING to get him to stop and it's clearly something he's just going to have to grow out of. And he wasn't even particularly loud yesterday. So after the 4th time of her scolding him I was ready to leave. Grrr.

[pauletoy]

I do not allow other people to discipline any of my children! However, there are two exceptions to that rule (1) if my child is in danger or is a danger to someone else and (2) if my child is getting into someone else's personal property.

IMO, your child was getting into her stuff so she had every right to tell him no. If she is a guest in your home, then it is your responsibility to give her safe alternatives for her stuff (and sorry but "use the computer after ds goes to bed" is just not a good enough). How about suggesting a bedroom, the kitchen table or any other area out of your child's reach?

ETA: Does SIL have children? She may not be aware of inquisitive nature of an 18 month old. She may not have any concept of having to keep belongs out of the reach of little hands.

[lilyka]

itis your responsibility to be 100% vigilant if you do not want other people telling your child no. If I do not want to tell my child no that is my business. but I cannot control how other people will respond to my child if I let my child get into things or mess with their stuff. they are free to teach my child boundries in their way (so long as they don't hit my child). it is their relationship to work out. If I felt my family was saying no too much I would try to be more responsible in making sure my child was not getting into other peoples stuff.

[Cascadian]

I respect the fact that other people do not have the insane level of tolerance and patience that I do for my kids. It does irk me in that deep, dark mama-bear place whenever my kids are disciplined by someone else, but TBH, I can't expect everyone to be on the same page, understand their developmental and personality quirks, etc. etc. I let it go.

[Anglyn]

Originally Posted by gcgirl

Totally depends on who, what, and how many. I have friends who don't want to let DS touch ANYTHING, and it's a PITA to go over to their houses. I usually allow it though unless it's making him TOO upset or if people seem angry when they say it, because I'm a big believer that DS has to learn to live in a world with OTHER PEOPLE, and not all other people are as reasonable as I am.

This is why we don't go to my moms. Seriously. I have three small children, no matter how vigilante I try to be I CANT watch all three of them every second, someone is bound to touch a knick knack or something. Now, of course, it is her home and she has every right to have all her breakables down at child eye level. No children live in her home. However, it makes it so freaking hard to visit her, I can never relax and actually visit, it is so much WORK for me. I prefer her to come visit us, but she won't because we live too far (we live about 15 min away).

I had to put a definite, there is no room for debate on this, end to her addressing my children directly and trying to shame them into weaning. You wanna talk about mama bear mentality kicking in!

[Anglyn]

I get really ticked when total strangers do stuff like this:
My two year old spilled his milk and is now sitting in the floor right next to our booth playing with the empty milk bottle. Yeah, yeah, sure I will clean it up in a minute but I was actually eating in peace for a change, he wasn't hurting anyone, the spill wasn't in anyones foot path so no danger. I totally get how someone else would see it as gross, but still, my kid, my choice right? This lady I've never seen in my life storms across the room, takes the empty milk carton away, sighs loudly while shaking her head and throws it away. So the spill is still there, the carton was empty after all. Now I have a screaming kid to deal with. How was it hurting her for him to play with the empty carton? I mean, taking it away did not eliminate or cut down on the mess. It was already empty. The spill itself was accidental. It's not like he was laying in the spilled milk itself, just sitting next to it playing with the empty carton.

Sorry, not trying to hijack. But I mean, wth?

eta: I have heard people, when speaking of other peoples kids in general, say stuff like, "if they won't discipline their child, they shouldnt be surprised when I do". That always just rubs me the wrong way.

[octobermom]

Depends overall I was fine with another enforcing boundries in there home I'd have been fine with a gently no or some indication through words that say messing with a computer isn't wise and I'd not assume they should just put it away till after dark/ Where I draw and obivious line is them 1) assuming they don't EVER need to take action.. (they can countiue to sit on the floor with the laptop VS sitting at a counter more outta reach..
2) adding a mean negitive vibe to the NO a gentle no or opps or uh ohh no no not for XY I'm okay a NO! STOP! BAD! NAUGHTY! not okay
3) adding a punishmet NOT okay
As a parent of a toddler I just kept her as engaged in things she could do as possible rescued her if needed and tried to respect my hosts parents ect needs as well.

Deanna

[JL83]

Originally Posted by lilyka

itis your responsibility to be 100% vigilant if you do not want other people telling your child no. If I do not want to tell my child no that is my business. but I cannot control how other people will respond to my child if I let my child get into things or mess with their stuff. they are free to teach my child boundries in their way (so long as they don't hit my child). it is their relationship to work out. If I felt my family was saying no too much I would try to be more responsible in making sure my child was not getting into other peoples stuff.

Exactly.

It only bugs me when other people tell my DD 'no' in my home to something I have told her she can do.

I don't actually mind when people are overly cautious. A good example was a friend of mine happened to be in the living room with DD when she was not quite 2 and I was in the kitchen (out of eyesight). DD went into a drawer that held clothes that we used to wipe her after she ate. She liked to take one and pretend to clean things. My friend (childless) saw her going into a drawer with what looked like neatly folded things and mess it up because she didn't know we allowed that. But it was fine. I explained to my friend that it was something we allow. Then I explained to DD that my friend didn't know and that she could go ahead and pretend to clean stuff.

But I appreciated that my friend was trying to stop a mess from being made. That's a pretty reasonable thing in my mind.

[PreggieUBA2C]

The OP's situation is pretty important to consider here though. Her sister-in-law is visiting for a week. A whole week. And she's family and assumedly the relationship is somewhat different than one with a friend who visits for a few hours and goes home.

A friend of ours came over and sat with our boys on the couch, showing them all sorts of things on his ipod. He instructed them continually and discovered that the scale for 'touch gently' was much broader for our 25 month old than our 6 yr old. So, once he felt that his ability to demonstrate the part of the scale that was acceptable to him was used up in that encounter, he cheerfully put his ipod away. I didn't have to ask him; it was apparent to him on his own, and he did use the word 'no' within the course of gentle conversation and instruction about how to touch the ipod.

If he had come into my home, with my four young children and set his ipod on the table in plain view, within comfortable reach, and then spent the visit telling them 'no' or expecting me to tell them 'no', I would gladly have recommended that he keep it out of reach until they've gone to bed.

I don't visit homes of people who keep delicate objects out because I know my limitations and don't see any point in going to someone else's house under the pretense of visiting so that instead, I can run a training program for my four children.

A week-long visit isn't much different than moving in or living together as far as mundanity and domesticity are concerned. I'm a bit surprised that some would expect an 18 month old or his mama to conform to the needs of a delicate appliance that could just as well be kept somewhere out of reach. She's not just there for a few hours or the day. A week- everyday, all day long even while making meals, doing chores, having to pee, etc...- is a long time to put on a whole new distraction regime to accommodate a laptop and its unwilling-to-bend-or-just-say-no user, imo.

Is there some reason why the laptop must be accessible to the child? Can it seriously not be kept out of reach? I am having a hard time coming up with scenarios where that wouldn't be a possibility; a tent, a hotel room, a one-room cabin with no furniture (I've lived in one and know that's a challenge)? We kept our computer on the counter there.

It's perhaps not reasonable that she should refrain from using it until bedtime, but there must be other options than constantly repeating 'no'.