How do you feel when others tell your toddler "no" - Page 3

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by verde

If you are hitched to your computer then why bother coming for a visit at all? It sounds to me like people are too attached to technology and forgetting the human element here.

Well, as I said, I work remotely. I don't get holidays and vacation pay. I work for myself, so I'm often on my laptop. I visit people and spend a few hours a day working (and yes, I can work with children in the room - I do it everyday). Besides, what's the OP's family doing? I know we sometimes visit people's houses and they turn on their television. I end up wanting to grab my laptop and work (or even just surf the net for fun) because I don't want to visit people just to watch TV with them. The human element is fine *if* the humans are doing things together, but it really doesn't sound like it. The situation sounds more like the family is going about their lives at home and expecting SIL to hang out while they do. Perhaps they should go out of the house to do something fun together or play board games or dress up and have a tea party. Something besides just sitting in the living room might help the situation all around.

Originally Posted by verde

Honestly, I can't believe the number of people who think that it's perfectly OK to be attached to a computer and constantly yelling at an 18 mos old. I think it's incredibly rude to visit someone and be on the computer all the time.

She didn't say SIL was yelling. She's just saying no. He can learn that it means not to touch the laptop. I may suggest - and have when needed - that she tell him exactly what she means. "No" on its own isn't that helpful, but when coupled with an explanation, it can be. I just don't get the idea that everyone else is expected to put up their things while the host family "continues their routine." I'm sorry, but continuing your routine usually means you're doing a lot of mundane stuff. That's fine, but what then is the guest to do while you're doing laundry? It's important to strike a balance between making both the guests and the hosts comfortable (though I do admit that I usually work hard as the host to accommodate my guests). Simply wanting people not to do anything in lieu of me teaching my child not to break other people's things just doesn't work for me.

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by Anglyn

I get really ticked when total strangers do stuff like this:
My two year old spilled his milk and is now sitting in the floor right next to our booth playing with the empty milk bottle. Yeah, yeah, sure I will clean it up in a minute but I was actually eating in peace for a change, he wasn't hurting anyone, the spill wasn't in anyones foot path so no danger. I totally get how someone else would see it as gross, but still, my kid, my choice right? This lady I've never seen in my life storms across the room, takes the empty milk carton away, sighs loudly while shaking her head and throws it away. So the spill is still there, the carton was empty after all. Now I have a screaming kid to deal with. How was it hurting her for him to play with the empty carton? I mean, taking it away did not eliminate or cut down on the mess. It was already empty. The spill itself was accidental. It's not like he was laying in the spilled milk itself, just sitting next to it playing with the empty carton.

It sounds like you were in a restaurant? If so, then the woman, if she was an employee, probably was ticked that you didn't seem to care that your son just spilled his milk on THEIR floor, you didn't make any efforts to clean it or notify them of the mess, and then continued to let him play in it and with the bottle, thus splashing and dripping MORE milk on THEIR floor.

I'd be ticked too. It would look like you were just lazy and apathetic towards another person's property.

And if she wasn't an employee, she probably was thinking the same and was trying to show you how to be respectful of another person's property.

Just think about it - what if someone spilled milk all over YOUR floor, seemed to be ignoring it, then let their child play in it? Yuck.

[yasinsmama]

Originally Posted by JL83

Have you asked them what they are worried about? Are they worried that the cabinets are easy to open and he's going to pull out a bunch of stuff?

When I was ~10 we had house guests who stayed with us for a week. They had a toddler (I'm thinking between 12 and 18 months) and while the mom was on the phone in our kitchen, the little girl opened a cupboard door and pulled out more than a $1000 worth of my parents nice serving dishes.

I'm going to assume you don't think it would be good for your son to go into the garbage or cabinets. So how do you expect him to learn to leave those things alone if no one tells him 'No'?



As a laptop user, it's a bit telling that you know he "likes" to pull on the screen. I have no idea what my DD liked to do with my laptop because she wasn't allowed anywhere near it. It was completely off limits for her to touch even when it was on the coffee table.

But I didn't have a choice. I started working from home when she was a year old. I didn't have the choice to use my computer at a different time.

I wouldn't think twice about someone telling him "no" if he was getting into the garbage or cabinets, but sometimes he just likes to run his hand along the outside of the cabinets. And the garbage can is locked, so he couldn't get into it, but otherwise, no, I don't like my child rifling through garbage. Give him a chance to be getting into something before you yell at the kid.

As a laptop user, it's a bit telling that you know he "likes" to pull on the screen. I have no idea what my DD liked to do with my laptop because she wasn't allowed anywhere near it. It was completely off limits for her to touch even when it was on the coffee table.

What do you mean "it's a bit telling"? I know he likes to do this because I do try to use the laptop (or anything else) in front of him, so he can be used to it being there without wanting to pounce on it. Sometimes it works, and he pays the laptop (or whatever else item) no attention, and sometimes it doesn't work. This is how I know he likes to pull the screen down.

Reading the OP's later post, it sounds like she lets her son pull on the screen of her laptop (!) repeatedly until she tires of it and shuts it down. In that situation, then the OP's child isn't being taught that he could break something (which is the explanation I used for my children and laptops when they were that age). He's just being allowed to do it over and over until Mom gets tired of it. In that way, it makes sense that he was grabbing the SIL's laptop repeatedly, and the SIL should've been told before she came that he is not taught when not to touch things so that she knew beforehand. Obviously passive redirection isn't working, so I'd seek out some other option or expect that it's going to be a battle.

This is just crazy. I'm glad you know what my child is and isn't being taught, just by reading my post. I never said I don't tell him not to touch it because he can break it. There is rarely something so important that I need to do on it that I have to use it in front of him, and sound like a broken record saying "no", so I just rarely open it in front of him. SIL is not dumb, she helped raise her 9 year old sister. She knows that babies want what we are using or playing with. It's not really a battle, it's not even that serious.

She didn't say SIL was yelling. She's just saying no. He can learn that it means not to touch the laptop. I may suggest - and have when needed - that she tell him exactly what she means. "No" on its own isn't that helpful, but when coupled with an explanation, it can be. I just don't get the idea that everyone else is expected to put up their things while the host family "continues their routine." I'm sorry, but continuing your routine usually means you're doing a lot of mundane stuff. That's fine, but what then is the guest to do while you're doing laundry? It's important to strike a balance between making both the guests and the hosts comfortable (though I do admit that I usually work hard as the host to accommodate my guests). Simply wanting people not to do anything in lieu of me teaching my child not to break other people's things just doesn't work for me.

We weren't doing mundane things. We were all in the living room, which is adjacent to the dining room (no dining table, just ds's play area). A kid-friendly movie was playing at SIL's request. We don't watch much tv. Notice the bending of the rules for houseguests there. We weren't really watching when DS wasn't watching. If he wanted to watch, he sat in my lap, if he wanted to play, we played with him, or let him go play and we watched the movie. DH's 9 year old sister was going between watching the movie and playing with DS. DH and I were on the floor playing with DS. SIL was playing with us too, then got on the laptop.

[Anastasiya]

...misread

[Trinitty]

I'm getting that now too....

My sister lives in town and is horrible about visiting. She shows up once every three months or so.

She showed up for her pre-Christmas hour-long visit a couple of weeks ago and started using scolding tone with my DD (21 months) when she was just doing regular happy toddler things.

After the second time, I just said "actually, this is her house, and she is perfectly fine" because I was really irked by her attitude.

So, in short, yes, that would really bug me.

Trin.

[Kim919]

Originally Posted by yasinsmama

And they wonder why I don't want to leave him at their house.

Amen!

My in laws seem pretty aware that I don't like their parenting skills, and I stick to dd like glue when we are around them so that I can step in and stop anything inappropriate before they get a chance.

On a tangent, I do my best to never tell dd "no." I **HATE** when kids scream "NO!" at their parents, and my mom said that none of her kids ever went through the "NO" phase because she never told any of us "no."

Don't get me wrong, I don't let my kid run around like a disrespectful wild child, if anything I think she is more behaved then most kids her age. When she is getting into something she shouldn't or whatever I say "child's name, you can not touch that, that is mama's laptop and it can get broken easily and computers are very expensive." "child's name, you can not play with the electric cords, they have electricity in them and can shock you and it will hurt." I just avoid the word no.

It definatly takes a lot longer then just saying no, and sometimes it takes a few repeats, but she doesn't seem to get fustrated and angry like I often see kids when told "no." and I figure your supposed to be saying some ungodly number of words to young children every day anyways to develop their language skills so it just adds to the daily word count. And really, they are kids, they don't know anything untill they learn it. I'm sure their understanding skills are limited but exactly where is the magic date on the calendar when they start understanding explinations? I know I would be a lot less bent about being told no if I got an explination.

You obviously don't "no" your kid though, and this is an in-law problem, and if your in-laws are anything like mine they have a "scream and swear at your kids with a ciggarette in your hand and a soda in the other and if that doesn't work hit them" type of parenting attitude, so they wouln't feel very enlightened by my theories....

Originally Posted by yasinsmama

And they wonder why I don't want to leave him at their house.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by Kim919

Amen!
On a tangent, I do my best to never tell dd "no." I **HATE** when kids scream "NO!" at their parents, and my mom said that none of her kids ever went through the "NO" phase because she never told any of us "no."

I spend time with many parents who don't use "no" for that reason.

It's pretty funny when their 2yos start yelling, "DON'T PLEASE" at the top of their lungs in the same tone of voice that other 2yos yell "no"....

Disagreeing is just a stage.

[AmyKT]

Sometimes I truly appreciate the help. My dd is a bit wild, and if I have to protect everyone's chotskes on my own, stuff will get broken.

[Kim919]

Originally Posted by JL83

Disagreeing is just a stage.

Ya I agree, but I would still rather have my little one yell "no thank you" or "don't please" at me then other things. And I'll have to wait and see, but I don't yell, so maybe she won't so much either.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by yasinsmama

My SIL is visiting for the week, and every time DS touches something, she says "no". Umm, I told you twenty times you can not have a laptop open around him because he will want it, so wait until he is asleeep. And if it something around the house he's getting into, and i'm not syaing no, why do you think you need to tell him "no"?

well, i think she has no business dictating what of YOURS he touches. but if it's her laptop, it's her thing, and she gets to say no, as long as she isn't mean about it.

there are things she can do to decrease the chances he will touch something like a laptop...like store it up high--and i would gently tell her about those measures she could take.

but i don't agree she should have to wait till he's asleep to use her own laptop. i don't even do that with my own toddler! yeah, when i use it, she wants it, and sometimes i let her play with it for a minute when i'm done (she's very careful and knows not to pick it up), but otherwise i just tell her mommy's using it, and she may get upset...but that's life.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by yasinsmama

I get this.....but. If it were me, and a toddler kept trying to get my laptop (or whatever), and I had to say "no" a million times, I would just put it away if I wasn't doing anything important. I always redirect him, but sometimes, he wants what he wants. I get tired of getting up to take him to his toys, only for him to start screaming because he wants to play with the laptop. If I were in her shoes, and I have been before I had a baby, I would not want to keep doing the thing that was driving the baby bonkers because he could not have it (unless it's something important), mainly because it drives me bonkers to hear them constantly screaming.

do you live in a one-room house? i ask because it seems like someone could just go in another room to use the computer, or you could take DS to a different part of the house for a few minutes.

[nerdymom]

To answer the question asked in the title of the thread: It depends on the situation.

If my SiL was sitting there using her computer in my living room and my son kept getting at it, I would redirect him and ask her if she would mind sitting at the kitchen table or desk. It's high enough that it's out of the way of his hands, and she can still be near us while she works. My SiL used to do a lot of work from her laptop, and as she was self-employed (as other's have mentioned) she didn't have the luxury of paid time off. I feel like a good hostess, she feels respected, and we've removed the temptation from my son. All parties happy.

If we are in a situation where he is hearing the word 'no' a lot from other people (like my mother and sisters) I have said something to the effect of "We try not to say 'no' all the time because then the word seems to lose it's efficacy. Why not try saying 'stop' 'danger' 'hot' or a 'not a toy' when you redirect him?" Also, I try not to put other people in a situation where they have to deal with his actions over and over. I have the patience to deal with his one track mind, others do not and they tend to get frustrated with him. I absolutely will not have anyone else rebuke my child in a voice or manner that is less than gentle and loving. If I feel there tone is unacceptable, I'll say "Thank you, but we prefer to discipline him ourselves" And that is also the reason he is not permitted to stay with certain people, because they have not proven themselves trustworthy yet.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

She didn't say SIL was yelling. She's just saying no. He can learn that it means not to touch the laptop. I may suggest - and have when needed - that she tell him exactly what she means. "No" on its own isn't that helpful, but when coupled with an explanation, it can be.

i agree with this--something like i just did w/DD here at her grandma's house often works for us.

DD was climbing back behind my mom's new big screen TV, and i told her "no, we don't do that. it's dangerous for you. the TV might fall on you and hurt you. or you could break the TV."

it might take a couple of repetitions, and maybe a physical action like trying to make the space less accessible by scooting some furniture over, but she will learn!

[EzzysMom]

The laptop thing, I'd definitely try to treat the adult the same way I treat my kid, come up with suggestions that make it work for everyone (move the laptop up high - move a table if need be, or go into another room). I am really sick of my mom and MIL and others just saying 'no no no'. I keep trying to tell my own mom how to redirect but she's even said 'no bad bad bad' a few times at which point she (my mom) gets a talking to (one was because my daughter kept eating her crayons - duh she was obviously just too young at that point). I can tell whenever DD spends a lot of time with them as she starts to say 'no' a lot more to me, thankfully it dies down again in a few days.

At 20 months my DD seems really interested actually in hearing explanations of cause and effect for things falling or hurting her. Of course she still tries some of the out... but I prevent the big ones and let the small ones happen and she deals with broken possessions.