Anyone ever feel like an outcast?

[AmeliasMum]

Hello All,

Both of my kiddos have been planned UC home/waterbirths. DD is 3 and DS is 8 months old. We also co-sleep, CD, wear our babies, both are still bf'ing, we don't vax, eat organic, and don't circ. In short, I have no female friends or Family, with the exception of my Parents and DH, that will even talk to me about birth and pg. We just moved to ND from CA, and there is next to no one that agrees with any of our life practices. We are TTC#3 and will be planning another UC, despite the general opinion. Does anyone else feel left out, or do you have local friends that can relate?

[Hedgehog Mtn]

We don't really know anyone like us around here. Maybe some who CD or co-sleep but not many who do all of the above. Our family doesn't really understand either.

[gon2be]

I don't know anyone in my small city who UCs like me, but there is a freebirth community in a large centre three hours away from me that has an email list, if I was ever feeling lonely. MDC is enough for me right now. People who know me are curious about UC, but no one has ever gone on to UC. I have a couple of friends that have had midwife homebirths, that's as close to UC as I know about around here.

[LivingforGod]

I am totally an outcast! I don't know anyone who is like me. I am also a Bible believing Christian. All the more reason for me to be alienated. But, no matter what I will not change my views on the way we live.

[Nicci P]

Yes, sometimes I do feel like an outcast. The other day I was talking to my friends and when they were talking about their childrens births it was like a competition about who had the most pain and the most trauma. I had a painless UC (I did hypnobirthing with DS2 although DS1 was painful and a not very nice hospital birth) and when I mentioned it I felt as though I was practiacally cut out of the conversation.
My friends do respect my decisions most of the time and know me well enough to know that many of my parenting choices are not up for discussion but it does get a little lonely.
On the upside though, since my lovely UC my pregnant friends have been planning homebirths and I like to think I influenced that in some way. As I still breastfeed my 31 month old plus I'm tandem feeding with my 6 month old they do ask me for tips and stuff about breastfeeding. Oh and 1 friend bought a sling to wear her baby who is due in Feb, I'd been telling her about how much easier it makes things and she asked where I got mine.
xx

[craft_media_hero]

I do feel like an alien at times, too.

We have not yet had our UC, but are UPing this one so far, and already feeling a little bit of heat for not going medical about this pregnancy. I'm the only mom I know IRL who EBFd. I do have a mommy friend who cloth diapered, no circ/no vax, so that's nice. I don't see her much, though.

I've just felt from the beginning that this will most likely be a UC. We haven't told anyone anything about it except that we plan on having the baby at home and postponing prenatal appointments til "further along".

It is kind of hard and has been lonely for me since becoming a full time SAHM (6mo ago) and conceiving this baby (I'm still in the first trimester).

[jessica_anne010]

Originally Posted by AmeliasMum

Does anyone else feel left out, or do you have local friends that can relate?

YES! I can't even talk to my extended family about birth and parenting because we have such differing ideals.

We home school, don't vax, are Pagan heathens (which is usually enough to have us cast out - lol), I breastfeed the best I can but haven't made it past a year yet, I'm not planning on circ'ing my baby boy that I'm currently preg with (other kids are all girls), co-sleep, cloth diaper, I actually have conversations with my 16 yo about sex and babies and anatomy bought her the teen version of TCOYF too, wore my last baby but didn't know anything about it when my older girls were little (9, 12, and 16 years ago). Planning on UCing this one, had a VBAC with home birth midwives an hour from our home last time. Going to school to be a home birth midwife.

There is a group of moms in a city about an hour from me that has similar values, but I still don't feel like we fit in, most of my kids are older than theirs, they are mostly Christian, etc.

My mom is born again Christian, but we have managed to get our relationship to a point that we can pretty much talk about anything (except politics). She totally backs me up on the rest of the decisions that I've made about my girls. I haven't told her yet that we aren't going to circ the baby, but I'm sure she won't be surprised and will understand when I explain it to her. She's the only person in my family (that lives outside of my house) that I can have a deep conversation with and not worry about her blasting me. My husband is totally with me, which is very helpful.

I'm so used to being an outcast that I don't really look for friends anymore, it'd be nice to have a friend that lived close by, but I don't count on that happening anytime soon. I met a lady near me that was incredibly nice and has many of the same ideals, but assumed that I was Christian just because we home school. *sigh*

[L J]

No, I don't.

I do/did all that crunchy stuff, UP/UC, BF (until 32 months), CD, BW, my son has never been to the doctor, all that good stuff.

I work in a restaurant, with mostly 20-something single mamas like myself. Of course, none of them can relate at all to my pregnancy and newborn experiences.

But, that's okay with me. I talk openly about my experiences (there are 4 pregnant girls at work, so we spend a lot of down time sitting around talking about pregnancy, birth and babies). Everyone is curious, and wants to know my motivations.

I have my canned responses (probably the same ones most of us have) and my coworks respond with genuine curiousity and valid questions 99% of the time. In other words, I have never been attacked for my choices.

Sure, I have gotten the "Weren't you afraid you would die?" "How did you get sewn up?" "You went to the hospital right after, right?" but I am not surprised when that is the initial reaction of someone who has been taught by our culture and their peers that birth is a painful ordeal that can only happen with heavy narcotics under the influence of the all-mighty doctor.

I respond with intelligent tid bits of information without overloading them, and they, like I said, 99% of the time accept it and say, "That's cool."

So, no, I don't feel like an outcast just because I am the only one in my immediate circle that does what I do. I made different choices, that doesn't make me better or worse.

I enjoy being the example of how things can be. I enjoy people meeting me and realizing they have choices. I enjoy handing out "The Thinking Woman's Guide..." to everyone I know that is pregnant. I enjoy being the one they ask their questions to.

You can always find another level on which to relate to people. Now that my son is nearly 3, I can relate to all other toddler moms on picky eating habits, potty learning, etc. It doesn't matter, at this point, if he was BF or bottle fed, or if we used real or paper diapers.

I choose not to feel like an outcast. I don't look down on others if they don't do exactly what I do. So, that means my schedule can be filled with as many play and coffee dates and I am up for. And I figure we all have something to learn from one another.

[jljeppson]

I'm a good bit of an outsider in my family and a bit at church (I'm a midwife so THE person to call with questions or worries, but that doesn't mean anyone agrees with anything beyond that). I've had to find outside groups, playgroups to have other people that have similar interests. I'm in ND too, or actually right on the border in MN, so feel free to PM me if you have questions about finding playgroups etc. We aren't that populated a state, so it isn't hard to find a person that knows a person kind of thing!

[Mother Cake]

I'm pretty worried about this myself. I'm not actually even pregnant yet, we're waiting to TTC #1 until spring 2010, but I went to some sessions at a conference a couple years ago that got me re-thinking my ideas about birth and UC and I'm pretty sure I want a UC now. Whenever I envision myself birthing, I know I want to do it alone with just DH.

But I'm worried about not being part of a local community during pregnancy. There is a really strong birth community where I live, but it is geared more towards hospital births with doulas and/or midwife attended homebirths. I'm worried about spending my entire pregnancy either lying or defending myself if I want to be around other pregnant moms. (I'm not good at either option.)

Any suggestions?

[jessica_anne010]

Originally Posted by Mother Cake

But I'm worried about not being part of a local community during pregnancy. There is a really strong birth community where I live, but it is geared more towards hospital births with doulas and/or midwife attended homebirths. I'm worried about spending my entire pregnancy either lying or defending myself if I want to be around other pregnant moms. (I'm not good at either option.)

Any suggestions?

I totally get wanting to UC, I'm planning on UCing this one. Personally, I would just not tell them where you are planning to birth, it isn't any of their business. Only 2 people in my extended family (which is very large) know what my plans are for this birth. Do you feel like you need social support while you are pregnant? If not, then just wait and join the group after you have your baby. If you do, then I would go with just politely saying that you'd rather not discuss your birth plans.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[NettleTea]

Originally Posted by AmeliasMum

Anyone ever feel like an outcast?

Um, yeah...all the time

[craft_media_hero]

I feel like an outcast, not because my choices are different but because if I talk about them, I have to defend them. People do act like I'm crazy or a weirdo. It's not just that our choices are different, it's that when I share with family, they give me that, you just came off the front of a tabloid look. It's okay with me that other people make different choices. I think what exhausts me and makes me feel isolated is when I'm put on the defensive, like I have to justify or back up with medical studies or something just because I'm taking part in a conversation about birthing or parenting. It's lame. It makes me not want to share with my family (as most of my mommy aged peers are family).

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by Nicci P

Yes, sometimes I do feel like an outcast. The other day I was talking to my friends and when they were talking about their childrens births it was like a competition about who had the most pain and the most trauma. I had a painless UC (I did hypnobirthing with DS2 although DS1 was painful and a not very nice hospital birth) and when I mentioned it I felt as though I was practiacally cut out of the conversation.
My friends do respect my decisions most of the time and know me well enough to know that many of my parenting choices are not up for discussion but it does get a little lonely.
On the upside though, since my lovely UC my pregnant friends have been planning homebirths and I like to think I influenced that in some way. As I still breastfeed my 31 month old plus I'm tandem feeding with my 6 month old they do ask me for tips and stuff about breastfeeding. Oh and 1 friend bought a sling to wear her baby who is due in Feb, I'd been telling her about how much easier it makes things and she asked where I got mine.
xx

I think this approach is key. Answering questions politely, and being a positive example! They probably see how much happier your babies are(it makes a difference where/how they are born, I think) and seeing someone actually AP'ing, makes them realise maybe it could be better for them, next time too...One birth at a time, I say... Keep up the good work..

[happiehart]

I totally feel estranged for our family choices. When people find out about our plans, they get they get a sort of shocked look and "remind" me that I won't get a medal for having a natural birth. Because of course I was planning on recieving one I was really surprised at how many times I have heard that same line. I keep our plans pretty quiet because I hate having to defend myself. It doesn't bother me that you don't CD, but stop trying to convince me that it is dirty and more expensive! Does that even make any sense? I'm hoping that after our baby is born everyone will see that these choices aren't so crazy and maybe we can have real conversations again.

[MJoKirk]

Originally Posted by L J

No, I don't.

I do/did all that crunchy stuff, UP/UC, BF (until 32 months), CD, BW, my son has never been to the doctor, all that good stuff.

I work in a restaurant, with mostly 20-something single mamas like myself. Of course, none of them can relate at all to my pregnancy and newborn experiences.

But, that's okay with me. I talk openly about my experiences (there are 4 pregnant girls at work, so we spend a lot of down time sitting around talking about pregnancy, birth and babies). Everyone is curious, and wants to know my motivations.

I have my canned responses (probably the same ones most of us have) and my coworks respond with genuine curiousity and valid questions 99% of the time. In other words, I have never been attacked for my choices.

Sure, I have gotten the "Weren't you afraid you would die?" "How did you get sewn up?" "You went to the hospital right after, right?" but I am not surprised when that is the initial reaction of someone who has been taught by our culture and their peers that birth is a painful ordeal that can only happen with heavy narcotics under the influence of the all-mighty doctor.

I respond with intelligent tid bits of information without overloading them, and they, like I said, 99% of the time accept it and say, "That's cool."

So, no, I don't feel like an outcast just because I am the only one in my immediate circle that does what I do. I made different choices, that doesn't make me better or worse.

I enjoy being the example of how things can be. I enjoy people meeting me and realizing they have choices. I enjoy handing out "The Thinking Woman's Guide..." to everyone I know that is pregnant. I enjoy being the one they ask their questions to.

You can always find another level on which to relate to people. Now that my son is nearly 3, I can relate to all other toddler moms on picky eating habits, potty learning, etc. It doesn't matter, at this point, if he was BF or bottle fed, or if we used real or paper diapers.

I choose not to feel like an outcast. I don't look down on others if they don't do exactly what I do. So, that means my schedule can be filled with as many play and coffee dates and I am up for. And I figure we all have something to learn from one another.

I love you. This is exactly how I feel.

[zoebird]

you know, i don't really either.

there are times when i feel lonely and would love to hang out with other mothers like me--and sometimes i get to with things like baby wearing or ECing. but for the most part, no other woman is "just like" me in every way or even in many or most ways. just some ways, and sometimes just one way!

but, i find that it's ok.

first, i'm really, really happy with my choices. during my pregnancy, i wished that i could have the experiences of other moms--talking openly about their birth plans, being excited and having people congratulate and celebrate them after every appointment or change that they sought to share, etc. i didn't have that and i was sad not to have it. becuase of my choices, i had to keep a lot quiet--even online sometimes.

so that was lonely, but i didn't feel like an outcast. i knew my choices were right for me, even if i couldn't have those other things because i wasn't going along with the culture.

like LJ, i'm able to get along with most people. i find myself mostly just enjoying the babies themselves, for who they are, and therefore their parents are endeared to me through them. it almost doesn't matter how they parent.

of course, in irony, whenever i see a baby obviously pooping in the dipe, i want to EC that baby right away. it's hilarious. i EC my kid and love it, and it's just a natural reaction for me to want to EC every kid. LOL i don't think that endears me to other parents.

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by zoebird

of course, in irony, whenever i see a baby obviously pooping in the dipe, i want to EC that baby right away. it's hilarious. i EC my kid and love it, and it's just a natural reaction for me to want to EC every kid. LOL i don't think that endears me to other parents.

LOL, I hear you there! My sis has a new baby, and whenever I see him poop his diaper, I'm like, uhhh, aren't you gonna change that NOW? In my head of course. I don't get how people can accustom their babes to sitting in their poop then be frustrated when they have difficulty potty training later.

I brought up to her how babies in India and China don't wear diapers, and she was just aghast, that's impossible! Funny reaction, as parents in other countries would probably be aghast at our diapering practices, really. I just kind of smiled and went on my way.

I'm practicing silence more. It's good for me, I'm such an opinionated loud-mouth most of the time.

[Serenyd]

I haven't chimed in on this thread yet, because I don't really feel like an outcast. I do feel different, though, and sort of alone at times, and also like no one really hears me on certain subjects ... UC being one of them. Seems like people either think I am nuts for living the life I do, or they accept it, but don't necessarily want to try it. But I feel accepted as a friend, family member, colleague ... just because I have made different life choices doesn't make me an outsider ... It just means there are certain things I don't talk to "mainstreamers" about much because I know we won't see eye to eye on those issues.

[jessica_anne010]

Originally Posted by zoebird

of course, in irony, whenever i see a baby obviously pooping in the dipe, i want to EC that baby right away. it's hilarious. i EC my kid and love it, and it's just a natural reaction for me to want to EC every kid. LOL i don't think that endears me to other parents.

ROFL That is hilarious, I agree with the other poster too about not understanding how or why people can diaper train their babies and then get so frustrated with potty training later. I admit that I did it with my first three, but I didn't know anything about ECing then. Once I started reading about it and had that knowledge in my head I couldn't not do it with my 4th and fully plan on doing it again with my 5th. My 4th is now 2.5 and only wears diapers to bed just in case. I have a friend with a 3+ yo and having lots of trouble potty training but she absolutely refuses to EC her youngest. *shrugs* To each their own.