do you expect children to give hugs after receiving presents?

[A&A]

Yesterday my brother gave my 7 yo. son a present. My son said thank you. My mom said "go give your uncle a hug." My son looked like he didn't want to, so I told him it was his choice. My son shook his head no, and I said that was fine. (Again, he had already said thank you.)

But my mom got pissy about it, and then said to my niece, "YOU have such good manners" when my niece gave the obligatory hugs-for-presents.

It seems to me that society just forces this on the under-10 crowd. I don't see people saying it to teenagers or adults.

So how do you feel about this? Are you like me--you don't force your kids to give hugs after receiving a present? Or do you?

My mom just ruined my otherwise great day. I know I shouldn't let her get to me, but that's easier said than done.

[jeanine123]

No I don't. I would hate it if that was expected of me and I'm certainly not going to make my kids do something that would annoy me. If they wanted to give the person a hug, fine. If they don't, fine. I hate it when presents come with strings attached, then it's not really a present.

[Barefoot~Baker]

I must say, I've never heard of this. I expect them to say thank you, nothing more.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by jeanine123

No I don't. I would hate it if that was expected of me and I'm certainly not going to make my kids do something that would annoy me. If they wanted to give the person a hug, fine. If they don't, fine. I hate it when presents come with strings attached, then it's not really a present.

Exactly!

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Turner

I must say, I've never heard of this. I expect them to say thank you, nothing more.

Really? Maybe it's a regional/cultural thing. It bugs the heck out of me, though. My mom and I argued about whether it was "forcing affection" or "teaching manners."

[Vancouver Mommy]

I have had to explain to family members that I allow my children to share physical affection only when it feels safe for them. Teaching a child that they must comply with an adults demand for affection tells them that they do not have sovereignty over their own bodies and leaves them vulnerable to sexual predators, IMHO.

[MariaMadly]

Originally Posted by A&A

Really? Maybe it's a regional/cultural thing. It bugs the heck out of me, though. My mom and I argued about whether it was "forcing affection" or "teaching manners."

This sounds very harsh and crude, but how is it any different from the formerly unquestioned expectation of putting out after your date bought you dinner? "Forcing affection"? Or "teaching manners"?

I think the initial how-about-a-hug might be understandable or forgivable depending on the relationship or flow of the moment, but insisting on it in hindsight is out of line.

Again, depending on the relationship, if you'd like to catch your DC ahead of time and mention that so-and-so might enjoy a hug as part of a thank you, keeping it clear that it's the child's decision, that might make your son more comfortable and responsive. If it's right for HIM.

Someone else deciding when a person needs to make physical contact?

[Storm Bride]

I was sexually abused by my brain-damaged (literally) grandfather. My grandmother, who knew about it, routinely forced us to give him hugs when leaving, going to bed, etc. While I did have some affection for my grandfather (he cycled between being a lucid, "normal" person, and a weird, rambly, disconnected person...guess it depended what part of his brain he was using or something), being required to touch him when I didn't want to creeped me out.

So...no. I do not "expect" my children to hug someone to say thank you. The appropriate way to say "thank you" is to say "thank you". If someone else tried to push the hugging thing, they'd get an earful. Physical expressions of affection are just that...expressions of affection. I don't even want a hug from someone if a third party is sitting back telling them to hug me. Yuck.

[mamazee]

I don't think hugging has anything to do with manners. Saying, "thank you" is about manners. It seems like a strange expectation to me, too.

[MamaMelis]

Originally Posted by Vancouver Mommy

I have had to explain to family members that I allow my children to share physical affection only when it feels safe for them. Teaching a child that they must comply with an adults demand for affection tells them that they do not have sovereignty over their own bodies and leaves them vulnerable to sexual predators, IMHO.

I so completely agree with this! I will never kiss someone that I don't want to kiss, why should I make my kids do so if they don't want to?!?!?

[PaisleyStar]

Yucky. I hope you talked to your son and let him know that HE was the one using his manners when he said 'thank you' and that you continue to respect his body and personhood by not making him share unwanted affection for gifts. If you haven't, I would def. have a little talk with him, because our kiddos are so impressionable to stuff like that by people they love (other family members). I would hate to think he was in the wrong by choosing not to hug at that very moment. We dealt with something like that here this holiday season, too.

[PaisleyStar]

Originally Posted by Vancouver Mommy

I have had to explain to family members that I allow my children to share physical affection only when it feels safe for them. Teaching a child that they must comply with an adults demand for affection tells them that they do not have sovereignty over their own bodies and leaves them vulnerable to sexual predators, IMHO.

YES to this

[AllyRae]

I expect them to say thank you, but other than that, they are not obligated to do anything. Certainly not hugging. I actually, like others have posted, never force them to use their bodies for anything...physical affection for any other person should be something they decide for themselves and they should never feel like they have to physically show love to any adult.

[JL83]

My child chooses to give hugs. But it's her choice.

What I do require is that she go to the person who gave her the gift, get their attention and say thank you. It's not enough, IMO, for her to say it from across the room.

I think that's kind of the original purpose of "the hug" (at least in my family)... To make sure that the child detaches from the toy for a moment to say a proper thank you. Although, even the adults tend to give hugs in my family while saying thank you, so it's probably a slightly different feel.

[MusicianDad]

Hugs are neither expected nor obligatory in this house. Ever. If someone implied or said they were offended that one of my kids didn't give them a hug they would get an earfull.

[Materfamilias]

The thank you should have been sufficient. All your mom did was to highlight your son's discomfort with giving physical affection when he wasn't ready to.

[darcytrue]

I just expect them to say thank you and I usually say thank you as well. I would never ask my children to hug someone unless they just wanted to.

[A&A]

Thank you all! My mom makes me second-guess myself even when I know (or should know) that I'm right. And I did talk to ds some but I'll mention again that choosing to hug someone is entirely his choice.

[Thandiwe]

Nope. I ask them to say thank you, but I don't require physical affection. I also don't require it when saying goodbye. If the person asks for a hug, I let the kids decide and don't "force" them to. I also don't force them to say "I'm sorry" when they hurt someone (intentionally or not), because I am hoping to let them form their own processes in their head. Nine times out of ten if we talk about it, they offer their own apologies anyways. I just want them to be the ones to choose what they do with their own voices and bodies.

Just my two cents.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by A&A

So how do you feel about this? Are you like me--you don't force your kids to give hugs after receiving a present? Or do you?

My mom just ruined my otherwise great day. I know I shouldn't let her get to me, but that's easier said than done.

I would NEVER force my child to use their body to please another person.