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Hatred of photo taking - Page 6

post #101 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
But you can teach your kids about respecting the feelings of other best by respecting their feelings. Not being in a photograph isn't the end of the world and doesn't really hurt anyone. Certainly not for their own good that they sit for a photo when they are truely not wanting to.
I think it could hurt someone a whole lot more to NOT have a photograph of a loved one, especially a loved one you are separated from by distance, than it could possibly ever hurt to have your photograph taken.
post #102 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
So it's all about her because she doesn't want her picture taken. I'm guessing she doesn't care if other people are getting their picture taken. A good part of it is about her because it's her body and face that is going to be in the picture. Sometimes the picture taker needs to realize it's not all about them and accept that some people just won't ever consent to having their picture taken. And you know, the person refusing doesn't even need a reason, let alone a good one.



That right there is the issue. No one has the right to force you to do anything with your body, including let it be photographed.
I could not have said it better...I do not really like having my picture taken and never did. I do allow pictures sometimes and sometimes I don't - it depends on how I am feeling at the time. It is my body, my image, and my perogative.

As a parent, though, the only thing that I would insist on is an annual picture to keep for emergencies. I would promise not to send it around to family or friends and would keep it private if that was my child's wish.
post #103 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I think it could hurt someone a whole lot more to NOT have a photograph of a loved one, especially a loved one you are separated from by distance, than it could possibly ever hurt to have your photograph taken.
So, being upset because you can't see a picture of someone is more damaging then the feeling of having your personal boundaries violated?

Sorry, I cannot agree to that.
post #104 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by amma_mama View Post

As a parent, though, the only thing that I would insist on is an annual picture to keep for emergencies. I would promise not to send it around to family or friends and would keep it private if that was my child's wish.
That would be about the only time I can think where it can be required. A private "just for us two, in case something happens" type of picture.
post #105 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I think it could hurt someone a whole lot more to NOT have a photograph of a loved one, especially a loved one you are separated from by distance, than it could possibly ever hurt to have your photograph taken.
Thank you for that. I feel that way, too!
post #106 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
So, being upset because you can't see a picture of someone is more damaging then the feeling of having your personal boundaries violated?

Sorry, I cannot agree to that.
I'm coming at this thinking that those "boundaries" are irrational. I don't have any interest in bending over backwards to completely irrational "boundaries" that actually do hurt someone else (assuming that Grandma is looking forward to this photograph since she can't see her lovely grandchildren in person on a holiday which is traditionally family-centered).

A photograph hurts no one one. No one on this thread has presented any rational reason why a photograph is harmful or crossing any sort of reasonable boundaries: the reasons given have ranged from pathologically low self esteem, to something that sounds an awful lot like depression, to what can only be described as extreme paranoia. There was one person who alluded to an incident (I'm assuming sexual assault?) which made her feel unsafe having her photograph out there: severe anxiety and paranoia sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to a traumatic incident, and is exactly the type of reason why victims of abuse should seen counseling. But barring extreme circumstance, where counseling to move on and put your life back together is in order, I'm sorry but I just don't think that wanting to take a single nice photograph of your child is the least bit unreasonable. I've already suggested to OP that she take her daughter for counseling, and OP has said that she's looking into it.
post #107 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I think it could hurt someone a whole lot more to NOT have a photograph of a loved one, especially a loved one you are separated from by distance, than it could possibly ever hurt to have your photograph taken.
Well, being photographed involuntarily can hurt enough to severely damage a relationship. Why risk alienating your children by forcing them to be photographed against their wills when there are so many other things that could be meaningful mementos. There are letters kicking around that my grandmother wrote that are far more meaningful than any of the photos of her. I know more about her through one letter than I do from all of her photographs.
post #108 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I'm coming at this thinking that those "boundaries" are irrational. I don't have any interest in bending over backwards to completely irrational "boundaries" that actually do hurt someone else (assuming that Grandma is looking forward to this photograph since she can't see her lovely grandchildren in person on a holiday which is traditionally family-centered).

A photograph hurts no one one. No one on this thread has presented any rational reason why a photograph is harmful or crossing any sort of reasonable boundaries: the reasons given have ranged from pathologically low self esteem, to something that sounds an awful lot like depression, to what can only be described as extreme paranoia. There was one person who alluded to an incident (I'm assuming sexual assault?) which made her feel unsafe having her photograph out there: severe anxiety and paranoia sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to a traumatic incident, and is exactly the type of reason why victims of abuse should seen counseling. But barring extreme circumstance, where counseling to move on and put your life back together is in order, I'm sorry but I just don't think that wanting to take a single nice photograph of your child is the least bit unreasonable. I've already suggested to OP that she take her daughter for counseling, and OP has said that she's looking into it.
You don't have to understand why it bothers some people so much, but the facts are:

-rational or not, some people do feel violated by unwanted photography
-children grow up to be adults, and as adults they have the right to associate with whoever they want, and tend to prefer people who make them feel good rather than people who make them feel violated and call them irrational.

If photos are your priority then I don't think anybody's going to call CPS on you for forcing your kids to sit in front of a camera, but there may be consequences when the kids grow up.
post #109 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I don't know, if I were grandma and lived far away and rarely saw my grandchildren, I'd be pretty hurt and not the least bit understanding if I was told "Oh, yeah, she doesn't care enough about you to let me send you a picture of her. This is all about her, and she thinks she's ugly. You'll live. Hopefully. I mean, people live to really old ages these days, right?"

While many people have said that they hate being in pictures, personally I don't think that anyone has presented a valid reason why. There's been a lot of "I think I'm ugly" (and, IMO, that's not a "well-adjusted" reason to be so completely adamant about not having your photo taken) but if you don't even see the picture, who cares? It makes someone else happy. I think probably the biggest lesson a teenager, any teenager, needs to learn is that it isn't all about you.
Forcing a child to be in a picture they don't want to be in makes it all about you as the parent. Your child refuses to do something b/c they loathe it, but you're the adult so your wishes are more valid then theirs? Why is grandma's desire to have a picture more valid that a teen's desire to not be in pictures?
post #110 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I'm coming at this thinking that those "boundaries" are irrational. I don't have any interest in bending over backwards to completely irrational "boundaries" that actually do hurt someone else (assuming that Grandma is looking forward to this photograph since she can't see her lovely grandchildren in person on a holiday which is traditionally family-centered).

A photograph hurts no one one. No one on this thread has presented any rational reason why a photograph is harmful or crossing any sort of reasonable boundaries: the reasons given have ranged from pathologically low self esteem, to something that sounds an awful lot like depression, to what can only be described as extreme paranoia. There was one person who alluded to an incident (I'm assuming sexual assault?) which made her feel unsafe having her photograph out there: severe anxiety and paranoia sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to a traumatic incident, and is exactly the type of reason why victims of abuse should seen counseling. But barring extreme circumstance, where counseling to move on and put your life back together is in order, I'm sorry but I just don't think that wanting to take a single nice photograph of your child is the least bit unreasonable. I've already suggested to OP that she take her daughter for counseling, and OP has said that she's looking into it.
The reasonal boundary is that it is her body and she doesn't have to put it on display for anyone at any time just because someone else wants her too.

You may call it irrational, but for someone who doesn't like having their picture taken it is completely rational. Why should your inability to understand why someone doesn't want a picture taken trump someones desire to not be photographed?
post #111 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelsmama View Post
You don't have to understand why it bothers some people so much, but the facts are:

-rational or not, some people do feel violated by unwanted photography
-children grow up to be adults, and as adults they have the right to associate with whoever they want, and tend to prefer people who make them feel good rather than people who make them feel violated and call them irrational.

If photos are your priority then I don't think anybody's going to call CPS on you for forcing your kids to sit in front of a camera, but there may be consequences when the kids grow up.
Honestly, if my adult children hold a life-long grudge because of the time I made them look halfway pleasant in a photo for grandma, they're probably not people I really want to hang out with. I'm being quite honest about that. I really hope to raise pleasant, rational, polite people who think of people besides themselves on occasion. I've worked with my fair share of adolescents, and I accept a certain level of attitude, snark, angst, and self-involvement as being developmentally normal. But sometimes it's time to buck up and do something for someone else. That's the way the cookie crumbles. I will be sorely, sorely disappointed in my parenting if I turn out an adult with such a complete lack of perspective, barring some sort of emotional or psychological issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal_R View Post
Forcing a child to be in a picture they don't want to be in makes it all about you as the parent. Your child refuses to do something b/c they loathe it, but you're the adult so your wishes are more valid then theirs? Why is grandma's desire to have a picture more valid that a teen's desire to not be in pictures?
Because sometimes it is expected to do something nice for someone else? I personally loathe doing the dishes, but I do them because my family doesn't like eating off of mold. I loathe my aunt, but send her a Christmas card every year. A 15 year old can manage a smile for grandma once a year.
post #112 of 189
Can I just say. It's getting a little tireing to hear that a teen that doesn't want their picture taken isn't thinking of others. Personally, I feel that those who insist a teen have their picture taken regardless isn't really thinking all that far beyond their own wants.
post #113 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
I know, she's actually a very beautiful person. It was very confusing to me to grow up with her bad-mouthing herself so much.
OT for a sec but I think you should know that you just touched my
I have taken very few pictures of DS and I together because I just don't feel good about my weight right now. Normally, I love being in front of the camera.

But after reading your words to heck with it. When I'm gone I'm sure he'll appreciate having mementos of him and I in these early years of his life. So thank you!
post #114 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Latte Mama View Post
OT for a sec but I think you should know that you just touched my
I have taken very few pictures of DS and I together because I just don't feel good about my weight right now. Normally, I love being in front of the camera.

But after reading your words to heck with it. When I'm gone I'm sure he'll appreciate having mementos of him and I in these early years of his life. So thank you!
Yay! Good for you! I'm sure he thinks you're totally beautiful and will be so glad to show them to his grandkids.
post #115 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal_R View Post
Forcing a child to be in a picture they don't want to be in makes it all about you as the parent.
Know what? That's fine with me. I have three teenagers. I think it is perfectly fine for it to be all about me every now and then.
post #116 of 189
Then why can't it be all about them every now and then? What makes parents so special?
post #117 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Then why can't it be all about them every now and then? What makes parents so special?
Huh?

Was this for me?

I have three teenagers. It's ALWAYS about them. All the time.

So when I asked my three kids to wear red, green or white because my mom wanted a Christmas photo of all of her grandkids, I didn't feel the least bit bad about asking.

And they were all very cooperative. Which is a good thing - 'cause they need to cooperate with me. Had they not been willing - I would have suggested strongly that they cooperate. And there would have been consequences if they hadn't.

My mom didn't ask for much. My family of five, my sister's family of six, my mom and dad and grandmother all lined up Christmas Eve and memorialized the evening. My grandmother is 90 and mom wanted a photo of all of us with her. You think something was wrong with that?
post #118 of 189
See, when you say things like "'cause they need to cooperate with me" it makes me doubt that things are always about them. That doesn't come out of a mother who lets her teens get away with whatever they want because it's all about them.
post #119 of 189
nak, haven't read the thread but here's my $0.02:

I would drop it. I would not take her photo or try to coerce her into it. I think her trusting that her parents will respect her personal boundaries, at this age, is more important than the grandparents' desire for some photos.

Can you ask her for some ideas of how SHE can help you put together the scrapbook, or things to send to relatives instead of photos? Maybe a letter from her would likely be just as appreciated as a posed photo anyway.

Maybe if you let it go for a while, she will come around. But I suspect that the more you bring it up and harp on her about it, the more willful she will become in making sure it doesn't happen.
post #120 of 189
I couldn't read the OP's opening post and not respond. I haven't read all seven pages of responses, so if this is a repeat, please forgive me!

I have four children - 18 1/2 dd, 15 ds, 10 dd, and 3 ds.

Starting @ age 13, oldest dd wouldn't let me take her pic. Same thing as OP - a hand tossed up, head hung down so hair covered her face, GLARES (as in "if looks could kill") when I insisted and made her let me take a pic.

She came home for Christmas this year (she lives @ two hours away and attends college there) and she brought her bf. BTW - he proposed Christmas night, so now it's her fiance!!! (we really like him!)

Anyway - I didn't have to ask. I fully expected the same response - but all I got were big smiles, pics of them hugging, smiling at the camera, etc. GREAT photos.

I don't know what changed. But I am sooooo happy it was just a phase.

Now ds 15..........well, he seems to have ENTERED it this Christmas....<S>

So anyway - there is hope OP! It may just be a teenage phase.
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