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Hatred of photo taking - Page 7

post #121 of 189
I like the ideas others have given about letting her hide behind a book or do something that makes her feel more comfortable. If you talk to her openly maybe the two of you can agree on a compromise that respects her wishes and yours too.

My STBX was like this when he was a teenager, so once a year he would pose for a family photograph for his Mom. The rest of the year she would not bug him about it. It worked out well for them. He got over it eventually, and it does not seem to bother him that there aren't very many pictures of him compared to his brother. She is old enough to know that it is her choice, you know?

I hope you can work out a compromise
post #122 of 189
I'm Aspie-ish, too, FWIW. I hated having my photo taken as a teen. Mum recently made me a scrapbook (for my 21st... in fact, that was two years ago and it's still not completed!) and there are hardly any photos of me between about 12 and 18. Do I mind? Yes and no. If I could have those pages filled with laughing, candid shots in which I looked semi-decent and was engaged in a variety of activities which represented me... that'd be fabulous. But the few photos I do have aren't like that. They're horribly unattractive - not just the kind of photos that are unattractive at the time but look OK a few years later, but the kind that still make you wince ten years down the track. Horrible. I have a horrible bushy fringe, bad skin, bad glasses (in some pics), and a variety of expressions ranging from the dimwitted to the manic. They do not bring me joy. They make me go "eugh". Would my life be enriched if my mother had forced me to pose for dozens more of the horrible things? No. I wouldn't have minded if she'd taken the odd candid photo and deleted it if I looked silly in it; but she never seemed to think of that.

I still can't smile naturally in photos (or in any situation, really!). Luckily with the advent of digital cameras and my family becoming more photo-savvy, we have the odd candid shot in which I look OK. But I still hate being forced into photos against my will, because I know the chances are very high that I'll look stupid - not ugly necessarily, just ridiculous, with a weird twisted mouth or half-closed eyes. Who wants that?

I vote "she'll probably grow out of it, but whether or no, it's her body and her business". That doesn't mean you can't try for a compromise - say, an arty shot of her standing in an archway from behind, so you just see her hair and the shape of her coat, or a sepia photo of just her eyes peering over a book, or something similarly quirky. If she feels "safe" being photographed with sunglasses, so be it; just having her hands photographed, so be it; taking her own photos, alone, with a timer; or whatever. If not, please don't force her. It's her image, and her body, and her embarrassment. If grandparents are an issue, can't she write them a letter or something instead?
post #123 of 189
If I was to quote everything here, it'll be a freakishly long post, I basically agree with everything that MD said. He's a smart person.
post #124 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
Wow this thread is like a mushroom! Very hard to keep up with it grew overnight.

Just a few comments from me the OP...

*I never said I don't have memories if I don't have photos, to the pp who said that, that's just a weird sort of thing to say. Believe it or not some people enjoy family photographs- especially years down the line when you hit generations that didn't get to meet older family members and want to put a face or a place to a family story. Not necessary, but still beautiful and worth saving.

*My daughter is possibly on the spectrum, and we're in the middle of counseling and trying to find out how to make her quality of life (anxiety/depression/introversion) better, or if she's actually happy and really does just want to be left alone. We're totally on top of this and making sure she's provided with an environment that's conducive to her personality and respectful of her choices as far as how she wants to live her life- while also trying to maintain family harmony. She's not in any way a brat. She does have a selfish bent, and she's very private. She's always been odd when compared to her peers. This probably is the root of her unhappiness, that she is not accepted. We've worked hard to meet her where she's at and to accentuate and celebrate her differences, not try and tamp down on them or change them.

The photo thing is just one of the pieces of the puzzle we've been "puzzled" over because it's not just about her.

Anyway this is a good discussion and ya'll can continue discussing it, I'll keep reading. I've already made my mind up though and will not push any photos for the time being.
Erica would cooperate at your dds age for a family photo that was to be sent to grandma because family was/is important to her. We just learned to take a good first picture because that was going to be the best take. She just couldn't hold it together for any more. And like your dd, Erica has issues. She was diagnosed with bipolar, social anxiety, and OCD in her twenties. When I look back at her childhood, I wish that she could've had help as a child. But, not only wasn't her condition recognized back in the 80s but there were no medication to help even it was. Like you, we did the best we knew how. Fortunately, Erica, today, says that she had the best family for her. Even if she didn't think so at the time.
post #125 of 189
I have removed several posts and am asking you all to please play nicely. Disagreeing with ideas is fine; personally attacking or taking issue with other members is not. If you persist, your post will removed.
post #126 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Can I just say. It's getting a little tireing to hear that a teen that doesn't want their picture taken isn't thinking of others. Personally, I feel that those who insist a teen have their picture taken regardless isn't really thinking all that far beyond their own wants.
And it's entirely possible that the teen isn't thinking all that far beyond their own wants either. Today, Erica is very glad we "forced" her to have her picture taken with her grandpa before he died. He died when she was 14. Those few pictures of her and him are very precious to her today. We have very few pictures beyond the posed group shots taken at family gatherings. We have lots of her sisters and brother but very few of her in candid shots. We respected her desires as much as possible but were thinking long term as well as other family members' desires.
post #127 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Latte Mama View Post
OT for a sec but I think you should know that you just touched my
I have taken very few pictures of DS and I together because I just don't feel good about my weight right now. Normally, I love being in front of the camera.

But after reading your words to heck with it. When I'm gone I'm sure he'll appreciate having mementos of him and I in these early years of his life. So thank you!
Go for it. I'm about 40 pounds overweight and have been for all of Dylan's life. He is always telling me that he likes me that way--all squishy and comfortable to hug and cuddle with. He's not being snotty or snide, he's an 11 yo boy expressing his love for his mother.
post #128 of 189
Wow, I can really see it both ways. Really.

Though this (and one other similar comment on this thread) really stood out to me:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
She hates any attention being drawn to herself, she's an introvert and it's getting more pronounced the older she gets.
This seems really counterintutive to me, since she will get almost NO attention drawn to herself if she cooperated for the photo, but is getting TONS of attention when she doesn't. Tons. At the time of the incident. At the time the photos are printed. When the photos are distributed. When people look at them later. Tons and tons of attention. Not very good attention, of course, but tons of it. So this just really can't be what's going on.

I can also sympathize with the OP not only for wanting to ensure that her DD doesn't appear MIA from the family, but also with the pressure she likely is getting from relatives and friends about DD's presence of lack thereof in photos, and actions in the photos she's in. No doubt OP is the brunt of a fair amount of criticism from others who suggest she is an inadequate mother if her DD can't just suck it up and have a photo taken without a death glare. Whether it IS selfish or not to death-glare a photo, it certainly is taken that way by most people, especially older family members.

The above may sound like I'm firmly on the "suck it up, DD" side, but I see it her way too. Honestly, the world will go on just fine if she's not in a photo. And I really do believe that nobody has any unalienable RIGHT to photograph another person. I myself refrained from photographing Masai when I met some, just because I didn't feel I had the right to (other people in my travelling group did, and there were no objections, but I had read before that the Masai tended to prefer no photos).

Personally, I would be fully satisfied with one of those creative solutions that others alluded to. For example, if DD hid behind another person and merely raised her hand in the air for a picture, I would actually get a kick out of that. I wouldn't be as happy with a book in front of the face, though, that would draw all the attention onto her - but a hand waving in the background, that would just be amusing without being the entire photo. I could even see the photo being examined by future generations who learn that "grandma" or "great-auntie" refused to have her photo taken, and that's her hand there! And it would be warm and funny rather than being death-glare.
post #129 of 189
Hello,

I am a photgrapher and a journalist, and I have about 3000 pictures of our 21 month old DD already, so, I really feel your pain about not being able to take pictures of your daughter.

What about something really interesting and unique?

Do you have a film camera, a telephoto lens and an afternoon? Does she like doing anything outside? Feeding birds, tending flowers, walking the dog, etc?

Does she have a favourite character from a book, a period of dress, or a particular fashion?

While I am a photographer myself, I can understand her dislike of the staged smile-for-the-camera photos or the family group shots (I am not like this myself) but some artististic and sensitive folk feel as if their emotions are being assumed or taken for granted when asked to pose for a picture, and they LOATH having their photos sent to others. I would stop sending photos of her right away.

So, I would make a deal. She wears what ever she loves, you go outside, she does an activity that she would do ANYWAY, and you are well away from her, no flash, with a telephoto lens. You will be stunned by the beauty of the candid, natural shots in the true sunlight. They are real. You won't get dozens of perfect shots, but one would be worth it.

You won't get your standard Christmas/Birthday shots, but, you will still be able to document your beautiful daughter at this stage in her life.

I had great inner turmoil at 14 years of age. Make it her thing and try your best.

Trin.
post #130 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by sewchris2642 View Post
And it's entirely possible that the teen isn't thinking all that far beyond their own wants either. Today, Erica is very glad we "forced" her to have her picture taken with her grandpa before he died. He died when she was 14. Those few pictures of her and him are very precious to her today. We have very few pictures beyond the posed group shots taken at family gatherings. We have lots of her sisters and brother but very few of her in candid shots. We respected her desires as much as possible but were thinking long term as well as other family members' desires.
I just wanted to say that I can very much appreciate the sentiments of a BTDT mom with grown kids. Your perspective counts for a lot in my book!

ETA: I enjoy reading your posts for this very reason.
post #131 of 189
just a quick note but people lived for most all of history without photos being taken of themselves and they survived just fine. i mean really, think about it. it's not the end of the world if grandma doesn't have a current photo, 150 years ago she wouldn't have even thought about it. heck, in most countries in the world she wouldn't think about it. it really is first-world privilege.

i think the op has the right idea with giving it a break on it and i respect her decision to honor her daughters wishes.

i also think that MD has totally the right take on this. a personal boundary is a personal boundary that you create for your own safety and well-being it has nothing to do with what someone else thinks is rational or okay.

the op has also not said that he daughter is being selfish or uncaring. there are plenty of ways for her dd to keep in touch with grandma, i'm sure a letter would actually be much more personal and enlightening than a photograph.

i challenge those folks that don't understand why a child should not be allowed to say no to think of something they don't like (anything that makes them uncomfortable) and imagine someone telling them they needed to do it for the good of the family and because someone else's needs were more important at that moment.

saying "no" means "no" and i think that trying to coerce any other result is really a bad precedent to set.
post #132 of 189
No, I can't get on board with Playa's post at all. I take one good family photo every year at the holidays. If my children did not cooperate, all our families, friends and neighbors would be disappointed and I would be crushed. One child does not have the power in my family to so negatively affect so many others.


Having your picture taken is not harmful.
post #133 of 189
Quote:
Having your picture taken is not harmful.
Read the thread... it can be. Will it cause you physical damage? No (well, barring a freak tripod accident, I guess!), but numerous people on this thread have attested that it can cause psychological damage. Feeling violated, betrayed, shamed and embarrassed counts as "harm", wouldn't you say?

As for families, friends and neighbors, why not just explain the situation to them? "X isn't comfortable with being photographed right now; here's a photo of the rest of us". Hanging a photo on the wall of a child who didn't want to be in it, may cringe every time she sees it and was forced into posing for it is a rather odd way to show love. And being crushed that a mother is protecting her daughter's privacy and sense of autonomy is an extremely bizarre reaction.
post #134 of 189
Maybe you could get your dd to do a Wilson from Home Improvement kind of thing, where she will pose with the family, but with only part of her face showing?
post #135 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post
Read the thread... it can be. Will it cause you physical damage? No (well, barring a freak tripod accident, I guess!), but numerous people on this thread have attested that it can cause psychological damage. Feeling violated, betrayed, shamed and embarrassed counts as "harm", wouldn't you say?
There is NO harm from a photo. There might be harm from what someone does with a photo. But there is absolutely no harm from the actual photo.
post #136 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by JL83 View Post
There is NO harm from a photo. There might be harm from what someone does with a photo. But there is absolutely no harm from the actual photo.
and would you say there would be harm from a naked photo? is there harm caused by the actual taking of the photo?

what about muslim women that don't want to have anything more than their eyes be visible? would you acknowledge their right to that boundary?

or is it just because it wouldn't bother _you_ that you see there being no harm in it?
post #137 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
No, I can't get on board with Playa's post at all. I take one good family photo every year at the holidays. If my children did not cooperate, all our families, friends and neighbors would be disappointed and I would be crushed. One child does not have the power in my family to so negatively affect so many others.


Having your picture taken is not harmful.
well, luckily you and your kids don't mind taking that photo.

i think the idea that this is a power-trip by the op's dd is an interesting one. i would never consider this to be about power and i'm wondering if you could elaborate on the power part of your post?

also, i bolded disappointed and crushed because those point precisely to the first-world privilege i was talking about. to me, and i'll admit, i'm not big on the photos though i have no problems with having them being taken, those seem like really strong words for something that really isn't that big of a deal.
post #138 of 189
for context i should also add that in my chosen community the right to say no to a photo is inherent.

if anyone has been to burning man you know that all cameras have to be registered and if someone takes your photo without your permission you are supposed to report them.

so, it is a simple matter of respect in my world.
post #139 of 189
Quote:
There is NO harm from a photo. There might be harm from what someone does with a photo. But there is absolutely no harm from the actual photo.
What do you mean, the "actual photo"? Nobody here's implying that the 4 by 5 glossy will emit death rays. But taking the photo, distributing the photo and displaying the photo can all cause an unwillingly photographed person humiliation, feelings of shame, betrayal and embarrassment.
post #140 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayaMama View Post
and would you say there would be harm from a naked photo? is there harm caused by the actual taking of the photo?

what about muslim women that don't want to have anything more than their eyes be visible? would you acknowledge their right to that boundary?

or is it just because it wouldn't bother _you_ that you see there being no harm in it?
Those are extreme examples that have nothing to do with this situation. I didn't realize that we had to enumerate all the "different" senarios on MDC.

I guess, there could also be harm in photos if someone's in the witness protection program.

But that's not what we are talking about.
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