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Hatred of photo taking - Page 5

post #81 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
Yes, but the OP is not talking about some random adult.

It's her child, who she is raising. There's lots of things you wouldn't force an adult to do - that argument doesn't really apply. If an adult came over and trashed my house, I wouldn't make them clean it up, I just wouldn't invite them over again. I'm raising my kids, though, so I need to teach them how to behave.

I think the OP sounds like she's on top of the situation and handling it beautifully, but for the sake of the larger argument I want to say this.

This doesn't sound so much like it's an issue of having oneself photographed, but of teaching children that they are part of a family and, as such, have some obligations that might occasionally make them uncomfortable. I want my children to learn this. I want them to know that even though they think their great-grandparents are kind of scary-looking, they still have an obligation to act as politely as they can as is appropriate for their age/development. It's kind of the same, I think.

Well said. I completely agree!


And teenagers do need to be forced to do things sometimes!!!!!
post #82 of 189
If an adult came over and trashed my house, I would at the very least make them clean it up.

The point is, you respect the boundaries of adults, why not respect the boundaries of children? I mean, part of being a parent is teaching our kids not only to set boundaries for themselves, but to respect the boundaries others set out.
post #83 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I'm glad to hear that you're working through whatever issues she may or may not have. Hopefully you'll be able to shed some light on whatever's going on with her that is making her this unhappy.

Someone earlier mentioned a 24yo old brother who flips the bird at cameras: I've known a few guys over the course of my life who think it's absolutely hilarious to do this, and I absolutely guarantee you that no one finds it amusing or quirky to ruin other people's photos. These guys (it's always guys, in my experience) tend not to be particularly well-liked or fun to be around, except as party-hard frat boy types. I think it's a good idea to figure this out now, because what's acceptable as teen angst on a 15yo is considerably less acceptable on a 20-something. So if it's something she's going to grow out of that's fine, and if it's something that she won't grow out of for whatever reason then she can at least get a diagnosis and you can all work on things.
There is a difference between an obnoxious person purposefully ruining a picture by flipping the bird when it is not appropriate and a person who does not want any part of being in the picture in the first place. She is not ruining the pictures to be funny, she is holding her hand up, flipping her hair down, or turning away in order to stop herself from being seen in the picture. It's not a secret that she does not want her picture taken. More than one person on this thread have said that they are perfectly well adjusted adults who do not want their picture taken. If that's the reason for this girl (and not say just trying to be rude) then it's not something to be "fixed".

Quote:
Originally Posted by lab View Post
And teenagers do need to be forced to do things sometimes!!!!!
There is a difference between needing to pull your weight in household chores or needing to complete one's education up to a certain level and having one's picture taken. I'd agree that a teenager needs to do their household stuff even when they don't want to for the sake of the whole family (things like cleaning up messes and whatever other duties are needed from them). Taking their picture again isn't the same thing though. Someone else having their picture isn't a need, it's a want.
post #84 of 189
I am just astonished at the number of people who think teenagers should be forced to be a in a picture, even thought they hate having their picture taken, b/c by God, pictures are a God given right of every parent and relatives will DIE if they don't get one picture a year of your child. The only person this is going to hurt long term is your child.
post #85 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
If an adult came over and trashed my house, I would at the very least make them clean it up.

The point is, you respect the boundaries of adults, why not respect the boundaries of children? I mean, part of being a parent is teaching our kids not only to set boundaries for themselves, but to respect the boundaries others set out.
Yeah, that, again.
post #86 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
Ah, she's 14. I was thinking she was 3 or 4. Sorry.

My mom is also like this. She is a PITA to get to pose for pictures. I finally blew up at her and pointed out one day that it wasn't all about her and that I wanted the pictures for myself because she wasn't going to live forever and I wanted to be able to show my grandkids what she looked like and have pictures for myself to remember her. She's in her 60s, though, so able to be slightly less selfish.

BUT! I do think it's selfish. I hope none of the pps are offended, but pictures are really not for the photographed, unless you're getting portraits at Sears. It's for the loved ones who want to have a picture of you. So maybe you could point that out to her.
Wow, if I were your mother, I'd likely never speak to you again. I HATE being in pictures. I look horrid in them. I've gained a ton of weight since I went off my ADHD medicine and I refuse to be in pictures if I don't have to.

[QUOTE=JL83;14843515]We believe in mostly CL. That means that 1 person doesn't get to wreck things for everyone else. We do things that are good for everyone.

At the age of 14 she's old enough to suffer through and let her picture be taken. It's no longer a phase and straight disrespect to the rest of the family. She's not a toddler anymore.

I can't imagine letting it go on for that long. It really has nothing to do with her comfort any more. You aren't even asking her to do anything. Being in a candid photo requires no effort on her part. You are simply asking her not do something which actively ruins the photo.

Although, I would personally keep taking pictures of her regardless of what she does. If you don't want to make a big issue about it, then just ignore her selfish behavior. Take the candid photos, put them in scrap books, show them to people just like normal.[/QUOTE]

How is that even slightly CL?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelsmama View Post
Have you ever tried taking a family photo where everybody tries to look as angry and unhappy as they possibly can? Not really a solution to anything, but it could be a funner, less stressful way to get an occasional shot to document physical developement.
What if she could make a silly face (or wear a mask of some sort?)
post #87 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal_R View Post
I am just astonished at the number of people who think teenagers should be forced to be a in a picture, even thought they hate having their picture taken, b/c by God, pictures are a God given right of every parent and relatives will DIE if they don't get one picture a year of your child. The only person this is going to hurt long term is your child.
I don't know, if I were grandma and lived far away and rarely saw my grandchildren, I'd be pretty hurt and not the least bit understanding if I was told "Oh, yeah, she doesn't care enough about you to let me send you a picture of her. This is all about her, and she thinks she's ugly. You'll live. Hopefully. I mean, people live to really old ages these days, right?"

While many people have said that they hate being in pictures, personally I don't think that anyone has presented a valid reason why. There's been a lot of "I think I'm ugly" (and, IMO, that's not a "well-adjusted" reason to be so completely adamant about not having your photo taken) but if you don't even see the picture, who cares? It makes someone else happy. I think probably the biggest lesson a teenager, any teenager, needs to learn is that it isn't all about you.
post #88 of 189
It's frustrating, to be sure, but I think photos are kind of a luxury more than a necessity. I grew up with a mother who hated cameras and anything to do with them--I'm 43 and my mom is 83, so that's not that unusual for my childhood era. We did have some family photos because there were some men in my family who were into photography, but it was hard to explain to my MIL who wanted some childhood photos of me that my mom just didn't take photos. I was going to say I'm not sure she's ever used a camera in her life, but actually she was a real estate agent, so she did take photos of her listings.

I hit puberty and was quite ugly, but I still always posed for photos. For that matter I hate the way I look in photos, but I think it's unrealistic of me to stick my head in the sand and pretend that that's not what I look like (my dad always said you take a picture of a broom, you get a broom). So I try and look at all my ugly photos and just see me as a person in a neutral sense, not ugly or pretty. I don't think not taking photos is necessarily beneficial to self esteem, I think it just encourages us to have one view of beauty, and make things worse.

That said, there are just people who won't let you take their photo, period. My husband hates photos, he frowns in the few I might take of him. My now 6 year old made faces or turned her head in most of the photos I took of her for a two year period. I figure that's part of the story. Half my photo albums have captions about how I was lucky to get the photo, or what the person was doing when I took the photo.

My nephew would put his hand up in front of his face, always, and would joke that we were trying to steal his soul. I think once as a gift, he posed for a photo, and I've noticed he's taken some photos of his own on his cell phone. Does your daughter have a cell phone? Maybe she takes her own photos. I wish my mother would have taken more photos of us, but it sounds like you have offered and she has refused, so you really shouldn't worry about how it's going to look in the future. It's part of her personality and the memories you will have.
post #89 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
While many people have said that they hate being in pictures, personally I don't think that anyone has presented a valid reason why. There's been a lot of "I think I'm ugly" (and, IMO, that's not a "well-adjusted" reason to be so completely adamant about not having your photo taken) but if you don't even see the picture, who cares?
Knowing that I was on display in a bunch of people's houses left me feeling very exposed at a time in my life when I was very insecure and vallued my privacy. It felt very much like someone taking my photo was taking a little piece of me away with them to hand out as they saw fit. It also made me feel rather cheap that so many relatives were only interested in my photo, not who I was or what I might have to say.
post #90 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I don't know, if I were grandma and lived far away and rarely saw my grandchildren, I'd be pretty hurt and not the least bit understanding if I was told "Oh, yeah, she doesn't care enough about you to let me send you a picture of her. This is all about her, and she thinks she's ugly. You'll live. Hopefully. I mean, people live to really old ages these days, right?"

While many people have said that they hate being in pictures, personally I don't think that anyone has presented a valid reason why. There's been a lot of "I think I'm ugly" (and, IMO, that's not a "well-adjusted" reason to be so completely adamant about not having your photo taken) but if you don't even see the picture, who cares? It makes someone else happy. I think probably the biggest lesson a teenager, any teenager, needs to learn is that it isn't all about you.
I dunno, if I were a grandparent living far away and my child said to me "I'm really sorry about not being able to send pictures of child, but right now he/she really doesn't feel comfortable with having his/her picture taken." I would accept that.

Now if my child called up and said ""Oh, yeah, she doesn't care enough about you to let me send you a picture of her. This is all about her, and she thinks she's ugly. You'll live. Hopefully. I mean, people live to really old ages these days, right?" I would probably say: "I'm sure she cares plenty about me, and if I don't get pictures that's just fine. I'd just rather you not make her out to be a brat because she doesn't want pictures taken."
post #91 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelsmama View Post
Knowing that I was on display in a bunch of people's houses left me feeling very exposed at a time in my life when I was very insecure and vallued my privacy. It felt very much like someone taking my photo was taking a little piece of me away with them to hand out as they saw fit. It also made me feel rather cheap that so many relatives were only interested in my photo, not who I was or what I might have to say.


Knowing the pictures are out there for god only knows who to look at can make someone feel very much violated, even if they never saw the pictures themself.
post #92 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I don't know, if I were grandma and lived far away and rarely saw my grandchildren, I'd be pretty hurt and not the least bit understanding if I was told "Oh, yeah, she doesn't care enough about you to let me send you a picture of her. This is all about her, and she thinks she's ugly. You'll live. Hopefully. I mean, people live to really old ages these days, right?"

While many people have said that they hate being in pictures, personally I don't think that anyone has presented a valid reason why. There's been a lot of "I think I'm ugly" (and, IMO, that's not a "well-adjusted" reason to be so completely adamant about not having your photo taken) but if you don't even see the picture, who cares? It makes someone else happy. I think probably the biggest lesson a teenager, any teenager, needs to learn is that it isn't all about you.
I'm sure the people who have pictures taken of them when they are drunk and passed out or when they are in the middle of adult activities without their knowledge and consent feel the same way. Truly.

Do I think that a parent is abusing their child by taking their picture. Obviously not, I take a million of my kids. But they want them taken. And I reiterate NOONE has the right to a picture of any part of any other person without their consent.
post #93 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
If an adult came over and trashed my house, I would at the very least make them clean it up.

The point is, you respect the boundaries of adults, why not respect the boundaries of children? I mean, part of being a parent is teaching our kids not only to set boundaries for themselves, but to respect the boundaries others set out.
Yes, but I personally don't operate under the assumption that you can always respect their boundaries. Sometimes, as parents, we have to cross what they have set out as boundaries for their own good. And sometimes, we have to explain to them that what they are thinking of as their boundaries are unacceptable.

Again, I don't think the child should be forced to be photographed. However, I would point out all of the above to her, in an ongoing attempt to teach children about their community and their place in the world and the feelings of others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal_R View Post
I am just astonished at the number of people who think teenagers should be forced to be a in a picture, even thought they hate having their picture taken, b/c by God, pictures are a God given right of every parent and relatives will DIE if they don't get one picture a year of your child. The only person this is going to hurt long term is your child.
How does it hurt the child long term?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polliwog View Post
Wow, if I were your mother, I'd likely never speak to you again. I HATE being in pictures. I look horrid in them. I've gained a ton of weight since I went off my ADHD medicine and I refuse to be in pictures if I don't have to.
I'm going to gently suggest that you get over yourself. You may hate the way you look in pictures, but you know what? Your children love you and think you are beautiful. If you were killed tomorrow, they would most likely desperately want to have a photographic memory of you. Not grimacing, either, like my mother often does in pictures, but truly smiling as well as you can. Did you read Theoretica's post above?

I have dealt with this all my life with my mother. She has never once said one positive thing about her appearance. Never! Of course, to me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world for most of my life.

I have come to believe that that kind of self-consciousness is vanity expressed in a different way. Why do you think your physical flaws shouldn't show up in pictures? Why do you think it matters? I would bet you that no one else in your family thinks it does.
post #94 of 189
And here is a picture of my mother with me as a baby:

http://i266.photobucket.com/albums/i.../nancy0090.jpg

She seriously believes herself to be the ugliest person on earth, and will not be disabused of this notion. I'm SO happy to have this picture, one of very few with us.
post #95 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by triscuitsmom View Post
I'm sure the people who have pictures taken of them when they are drunk and passed out or when they are in the middle of adult activities without their knowledge and consent feel the same way. Truly.

Do I think that a parent is abusing their child by taking their picture. Obviously not, I take a million of my kids. But they want them taken. And I reiterate NOONE has the right to a picture of any part of any other person without their consent.
I think that's a really unfair comparison.

I also disagree that no one has the right to take a photograph of someone else. Even besides the fact that there's a pretty strong legal precedence about the rights of photographers, I'm sorry but I do think it's a god-given parental right to take a picture of the kids at Christmas to send to Grandma. I guess we're just going to have to disagree.
post #96 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
I'm going to gently suggest that you get over yourself. You may hate the way you look in pictures, but you know what? Your children love you and think you are beautiful. If you were killed tomorrow, they would most likely desperately want to have a photographic memory of you. Not grimacing, either, like my mother often does in pictures, but truly smiling as well as you can. Did you read Theoretica's post above?

I have dealt with this all my life with my mother. She has never once said one positive thing about her appearance. Never! Of course, to me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world for most of my life.

I have come to believe that that kind of self-consciousness is vanity expressed in a different way. Why do you think your physical flaws shouldn't show up in pictures? Why do you think it matters? I would bet you that no one else in your family thinks it does.
I agree with all this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
And here is a picture of my mother with me as a baby:

http://i266.photobucket.com/albums/i.../nancy0090.jpg

She seriously believes herself to be the ugliest person on earth, and will not be disabused of this notion. I'm SO happy to have this picture, one of very few with us.
She is lovely, and you are adorable! What a sweet picture. You both look so happy.
post #97 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
Yes, but I personally don't operate under the assumption that you can always respect their boundaries. Sometimes, as parents, we have to cross what they have set out as boundaries for their own good. And sometimes, we have to explain to them that what they are thinking of as their boundaries are unacceptable.

Again, I don't think the child should be forced to be photographed. However, I would point out all of the above to her, in an ongoing attempt to teach children about their community and their place in the world and the feelings of others.
But you can teach your kids about respecting the feelings of other best by respecting their feelings. Not being in a photograph isn't the end of the world and doesn't really hurt anyone. Certainly not for their own good that they sit for a photo when they are truely not wanting to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post

I have come to believe that that kind of self-consciousness is vanity expressed in a different way. Why do you think your physical flaws shouldn't show up in pictures? Why do you think it matters? I would bet you that no one else in your family thinks it does.
Not wanting to be photographed doesn't always have to do with self-consciousness. I'm not fond of having my picture taken just because I don't like having my picture taken. There are times when you could get me on camera if you snuck around in the shadows to catch me off guard. I have no problem with how I look. I have no problem with how I look in photos. On the other hand I have been violated severly by someone taking pictures of me he shouldn't have and do have an aversion to be photographed because of it. Someone who attempts to take my picture after I have expressly told them "no" will not, in the near future if ever again, get a "yes". They have refused to awknowledge my feelings on the matter and have forfited the possibility of me being willing to sit for a picture because of it.
post #98 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I agree with all this.



She is lovely, and you are adorable! What a sweet picture. You both look so happy.
I know, she's actually a very beautiful person. It was very confusing to me to grow up with her bad-mouthing herself so much.
post #99 of 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I think that's a really unfair comparison.

I also disagree that no one has the right to take a photograph of someone else. Even besides the fact that there's a pretty strong legal precedence about the rights of photographers, I'm sorry but I do think it's a god-given parental right to take a picture of the kids at Christmas to send to Grandma. I guess we're just going to have to disagree.
I just can't agree that parents have a god-given right to violate their kids boundaries when not doing so won't harm anyone significantly.
post #100 of 189
Just a question.

For those who have family member who aren't in many pictures... Aren't the few and far between pictures all the more precious? I'd rather have few pictures of DD happy, then a whole bunch of her trying to hide from the camera or ruin the picture.
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