MIL boundary rant / is this weird to you?

[craft_media_hero]

So the extended family was down for the holidays, and it came up about MIL possibly taking dd for a few days/up to a week for my potential surgery in January. Fine, thank you for being supportive and helping me during post-op recovery time, that is great.

Then she dropped, "maybe I'll take her to spend the day in a first grade classroom up there" (she lives in a very small town where this might fly w/ the local teachers); I just looked at her, shaking my head and said, "no, don't do that" and then she kind of was indignant and irritated, saying that she needed stuff for the two of them to do so that dd wasn't sitting around worrying about me. So I mumbled a couple reasons why that wouldn't be a good idea, none of which were, "why are you trying to sabotage our homeschooling?", but that is how I feel.

It caught me really off guard, and I don't feel like I really was able to respond fully.

DD would either feel very uncomfortable and out of place (thereby supporting the MILs great worry about SOCIALIZATION) or she'd start wanting to go back to school (which I think was MIL's plan)! This is from a woman who claims to be supportive of our hs-ing, supposedly wanted to hs my dp, brags about everything dd is learning, then passive-aggressively tears us down?

It really bothered me, and I don't know if I should say something? That is my question, would you address this with the MIL or just let it go?

I just think, either be supportive or don't say anything about it. But wanting to take your homeschooled grandkid to a public first grade class, why? We don't WANT her to go to school. Not for fun, not for a visit, not with Grandma, no.

DD is enrolled in an actual public school charter---should I make this more obvious to MIL and talk about how we DO have group activities? Or should I quit trying to justify?

I'm just really frustrated. DD is excelling. She is doing great in so many ways that would not be possible if she were in school full time. MIL made a comment "but just make sure you let her have time to be a kid" As if we're "hothousing" her because she's doing so well. HELLO? Part of why we're doing this is so that she has time to play and be herself, zero pressure, learn your very own best way, take your time. And it's working.

DP says who cares, she's seething with jealousy that she couldn't do it with him, it's not her decision, let it go. I just really want her approval, I guess, and previously she seemed very supportive, so this switch kind of hit me off balance.

[lach]

Just to play devil's advocate, but my parents kind of freak out about entertaining my kids too. I say "you've already done this!" but they don't really remember what they did when we were kids. It is entirely possible that she just blurted it out in a panicked "OMG I have no idea what to do with a 6 year old for a week, what do 6 year olds do? Oh I know, they go to school: I'll take her to school!"

I mean, it really depends on her attitude, but you do mention that you thought she was supportive... so maybe she is still supportive, it just genuinely was something that she thought of as a good time killer.

I think you (or DH: it's his mother, so I'd make him do the heavy lifting) should just sit down and be honest with her about why you don't want your DD to go to school. Mention that you think visiting a classroom would be extra stressful for a child who is already stressed because of your surgery.

You might also want to come up with some things for the two of them to do during that week: call the local library and find out if they have any music or story programs (where I am half kindergarten is common, so there are usually 5 and 6 year olds at these things), see if there are any museums nearby, that sort of thing.

[lifeguard]

If it helps: I highly doubt a random school would allow a child to just drop in for the day.

[Savoir Faire]

Visiting school for fun???

Dear MIL: Here are a few things you can do with a homeschooled child so she won't be "bored" or "worried."

Go to a movie. Walk around the mall. Get ice cream. Bake a cake. Color. Build blocks. Paint. Make a scrapbook. Look at a gardening catalog and pick the plants you'd like to gro. Make a family tree. Look at pictures.

Wow...none of which would involve first grade classrooms. What's next? Going to a doctor to discuss Herpes? You know...it would keep her occupied AND it would teach a valuable health lesson...

[incorrigible]

can I just take something out of context here real quick and say that Lach hit the nail on the head. I can't think of a better way to describe your average classroom than a "time killer"

seriously though...you say she's always seemed supportive until this one comment? If that's the case, she probably was being more tactless and thoughtless than passive aggressive. I have a talent for such things myself. I could easily see myself saying something like that because I wasn't taking the time to listen to what was coming out of my mouth. People around me sometimes call me on it, and I offer a heartfelt apology. Mostly they laugh at me (in good fun) for it because they know better. Is it going to continue to bug you? If so, ask her about it...all innocent, no accusations. (if she gets defensive, this will snowball). If you can just blow it off, I'd do so.

Now, if these things keep popping up, I'd talk to her about it. Sternly.

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

DP says who cares, she's seething with jealousy that she couldn't do it with him, it's not her decision, let it go. I just really want her approval, I guess, and previously she seemed very supportive, so this switch kind of hit me off balance.

if this is all about her approval your going to drive yourself mad! you cant control what she approves you can only control what you know is best. and that is HSing. i would stand by you choice of no going to public school for fun!

is she the type of MIL that you can have a talk with? if she is you might want to chat with her on how you are feeling.

if shes not the type you can talk to... i would just make your feelings clear.

she sounds a lot like my MIL. she acts like she 'approves' and then does snarky things to say otherwise. i let it go now, but when we have kids she is going to see the mama wolf come out in me and i am not sure how she will take it! my MIL has a way of putting her control on everything. i am still working on that part with her.

i think you DP is on to something! i think its her way of control. she could not HS your DP so how dare you 'up' her on the HSing front. to me it sounds like she might be trying to sabotage your HSing relationship because she could not have hers.

that just my 2cents on the little bit of info you gave....

GOOD LUCK!

[craft_media_hero]

Thank you all for responding and giving me some perspective here! I think that it's a combination of a lot of these things you all are saying--her genuinely not knowing what to do with a six yo and also just totally out of left field thinking that dd NEEDS to spend time in a first grade class!

Originally Posted by lovebug

if this is all about her approval your going to drive yourself mad! you cant control what she approves you can only control what you know is best. and that is HSing. i would stand by you choice of no going to public school for fun!

is she the type of MIL that you can have a talk with? if she is you might want to chat with her on how you are feeling.

if shes not the type you can talk to... i would just make your feelings clear.

she sounds a lot like my MIL. she acts like she 'approves' and then does snarky things to say otherwise. i let it go now, but when we have kids she is going to see the mama wolf come out in me and i am not sure how she will take it! my MIL has a way of putting her control on everything. i am still working on that part with her.

i think you DP is on to something! i think its her way of control. she could not HS your DP so how dare you 'up' her on the HSing front. to me it sounds like she might be trying to sabotage your HSing relationship because she could not have hers.

that just my 2cents on the little bit of info you gave....

GOOD LUCK!

She does have a history of being controlling, especially with her kids/grandkids. So I do think that's part of it. You are so right about me having to let go of wanting her approval on parenting decisions! I am totally not used to having a critical parent figure; my mom was very laid back and has always respected my choices.

I think you all are right, for now I'm just going to try and not let it get to me too much; it was only one short visit, but lots of loaded comments about other stuff that is none of her business, too. If the anti-hsing stuff keeps coming up, then I guess I (or dp) will have to confront her, which is like my nightmare; I hate situations like that.

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

So the extended family was down for the holidays, and it came up about MIL possibly taking dd for a few days/up to a week for my potential surgery in January. Fine, thank you for being supportive and helping me during post-op recovery time, that is great.

Then she dropped, "maybe I'll take her to spend the day in a first grade classroom up there" (she lives in a very small town where this might fly w/ the local teachers); I just looked at her, shaking my head and said, "no, don't do that" and then she kind of was indignant and irritated, saying that she needed stuff for the two of them to do so that dd wasn't sitting around worrying about me. So I mumbled a couple reasons why that wouldn't be a good idea, none of which were, "why are you trying to sabotage our homeschooling?", but that is how I feel.

It caught me really off guard, and I don't feel like I really was able to respond fully.

DD would either feel very uncomfortable and out of place (thereby supporting the MILs great worry about SOCIALIZATION) or she'd start wanting to go back to school (which I think was MIL's plan)! This is from a woman who claims to be supportive of our hs-ing, supposedly wanted to hs my dp, brags about everything dd is learning, then passive-aggressively tears us down?

It really bothered me, and I don't know if I should say something? That is my question, would you address this with the MIL or just let it go?

I just think, either be supportive or don't say anything about it. But wanting to take your homeschooled grandkid to a public first grade class, why? We don't WANT her to go to school. Not for fun, not for a visit, not with Grandma, no.

DD is enrolled in an actual public school charter---should I make this more obvious to MIL and talk about how we DO have group activities? Or should I quit trying to justify?

I'm just really frustrated. DD is excelling. She is doing great in so many ways that would not be possible if she were in school full time. MIL made a comment "but just make sure you let her have time to be a kid" As if we're "hothousing" her because she's doing so well. HELLO? Part of why we're doing this is so that she has time to play and be herself, zero pressure, learn your very own best way, take your time. And it's working.

DP says who cares, she's seething with jealousy that she couldn't do it with him, it's not her decision, let it go. I just really want her approval, I guess, and previously she seemed very supportive, so this switch kind of hit me off balance.

I would find a way to point it out "hey she is enrollened in the charter school, so going into a classroom that is run differntly than our group activities would likly be very confuseing to her and disruptive to her actual school work"

then i would find "homework" to send with her for that week so Gma could do it with her, so MIL would "see" her school work and maybe not feel the need to "creat" any.

and I would send an activity bag, and a list of activities with any needed supplies. I am sure MIL is not totally sure what to do for a WHOLE WEEK ...

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by Momma Aimee

I would find a way to point it out "hey she is enrollened in the charter school, so going into a classroom that is run differntly than our group activities would likly be very confuseing to her and disruptive to her actual school work"

then i would find "homework" to send with her for that week so Gma could do it with her, so MIL would "see" her school work and maybe not feel the need to "creat" any.

and I would send an activity bag, and a list of activities with any needed supplies. I am sure MIL is not totally sure what to do for a WHOLE WEEK ...

True, Momma Aimee.

Sending homework may be a good idea. I was a little hesitant about this previously because dd can be very resistant/oppositional (part of why we hs). Plus it kinda feels like MIL is trying to take over? Because of the wanting to hs my dp thing . . . I dunno MIL suggested it before and it just seemed weird for someone else to homeschool my child. Maybe I am being a little possessive here, but I am on guard because she does tend to overstep boundaries and "take over" frequently.

But activity bag, yes! And perhaps if I send some of her easier/more fun work so that dd can feel like she's showing off her brain skills a bit. DD likes that, lol.

Maybe if I send a "syllabus" for the week of things I'd like them to do together, that would make MIL feel more like she's in control of things and reassure her that dd really is doing great in first grade. Also the time filler thing, if it takes me and dd the morning to get through it, I imagine it will take dd and grandma at least as long even for a really light load.

And I think I will definitely move the charter more into the forefront in conversations. We really don't do a lot of the group stuff (coz she has other hs friends and group classes), we meet a consultant once a month, go to monthly story time, and sometimes take advantage of free field trips. But maybe I'll just start talking about how great the program is and blah blah yk?

I guess I just don't get needing busy work! I'm like, enjoy your time together, play, bake cookies, feed the fishes, go sledding, whatever. I would rather dd have "time off" at Grandma's house anyways (just seems more fun for everybody), but I do understand the Gma being intimidated by a big blank week and no ideas.

I think loading up a backpack with tons of activities might be a good idea. Then there's no chance of them getting bored, right? Crafts and stuff. Organization. Good!

Thanks for the ideas and feedback!

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

True, Momma Aimee.

Sending homework may be a good idea. I was a little hesitant about this previously because dd can be very resistant/oppositional (part of why we hs). Plus it kinda feels like MIL is trying to take over? Because of the wanting to hs my dp thing . . . I dunno MIL suggested it before and it just seemed weird for someone else to homeschool my child. Maybe I am being a little possessive here, but I am on guard because she does tend to overstep boundaries and "take over" frequently.

But activity bag, yes! And perhaps if I send some of her easier/more fun work so that dd can feel like she's showing off her brain skills a bit. DD likes that, lol.yep -- the "school work" really only needs to be "work" for grandma LOL something your DD can do -- not tooo easy -- and feel good about showing grandma and grandma can feel good about her working on it. review of math, or whatever. i totally understand possessiveness of MIL and holding yur ground ... but if you need a compermise to get thought the week and keep her from doing something worse .. yk?

Maybe if I send a "syllabus" for the week of things I'd like them to do together, that would make MIL feel more like she's in control of things and reassure her that dd really is doing great in first grade. Also the time filler thing, if it takes me and dd the morning to get through it, I imagine it will take dd and grandma at least as long even for a really light load.

And I think I will definitely move the charter more into the forefront in conversations. We really don't do a lot of the group stuff (coz she has other hs friends and group classes), we meet a consultant once a month, go to monthly story time, and sometimes take advantage of free field trips. But maybe I'll just start talking about how great the program is and blah blah yk?i would totally start talking about teh charter aspect, so MIL feels more like there is a school and a structure. i would also talk more about the other classes too ... more so MIL sees your DD is in a "whole program". JMO to steping on toes intended.

I guess I just don't get needing busy work! I'm like, enjoy your time together, play, bake cookies, feed the fishes, go sledding, whatever. I would rather dd have "time off" at Grandma's house anyways (just seems more fun for everybody), but I do understand the Gma being intimidated by a big blank week and no ideas.
i agree but i don't think Gma can think of stuff like that -- not for the whole week -- maybe you could make a list of "extras" too ...like a nature walk to look for shapes in the leafless trees and write them down. bake cookies and talk about how the flour changes when it gets wet, and so on ...

I think loading up a backpack with tons of activities might be a good idea. Then there's no chance of them getting bored, right? Crafts and stuff. Organization. Good!

Thanks for the ideas and feedback!

good luck

[lach]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

I guess I just don't get needing busy work! I'm like, enjoy your time together, play, bake cookies, feed the fishes, go sledding, whatever. I would rather dd have "time off" at Grandma's house anyways (just seems more fun for everybody), but I do understand the Gma being intimidated by a big blank week and no ideas.

I think you have to remember that all that stuff sounds like a lot of fun, but each of those activities will take about an hour tops. A whole week entertaining a 6 year old is a fairly daunting task for someone who doesn't have a six year old. It's also possible that, while she loves your child and enjoys spending time with her, she's used to doing things on her own and is wary of exactly how much fun it will be for a child to be tagging along with everything. I find with my own parents that while they LOVE my kids and LOVE spending time with them, I think a little bit of time goes a long way. They're just not used to having to maintain the patience to deal with children.

I like the backpack idea, and I think it might be nice for you to come up with a list of specific things to do and places to go.

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

T

She does have a history of being controlling, especially with her kids/grandkids. So I do think that's part of it. You are so right about me having to let go of wanting her approval on parenting decisions! I am totally not used to having a critical parent figure; my mom was very laid back and has always respected my choices.

I think you all are right, for now I'm just going to try and not let it get to me too much; it was only one short visit, but lots of loaded comments about other stuff that is none of her business, too. If the anti-hsing stuff keeps coming up, then I guess I (or dp) will have to confront her, which is like my nightmare; I hate situations like that.

this is my MIL to a T!!! i totally know how you feel mama!!!

[elizawill]

yes. it is very weird to me. it would have definitely overstepped boundaries in my own family & it would have bothered me a lot actually.

if you were very clear that she cannot do this is january, then i'd simply let it go. however, if your response wasn't very clear that, "NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!", then i would bring it up again for mere clarification (but not a discussion). does tht make sense? hugs to you. i'm sorry for that stress.

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by elizawill

yes. it is very weird to me. it would have definitely overstepped boundaries in my own family & it would have bothered me a lot actually.

if you were very clear that she cannot do this is january, then i'd simply let it go. however, if your response wasn't very clear that, "NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!", then i would bring it up again for mere clarification (but not a discussion). does tht make sense? hugs to you. i'm sorry for that stress.

Thanks, elizawill. It's good to know that I'm not just being oversensitive. It really did upset me a lot and I spent a couple of days feeling like I needed to justify homeschooling and feeling "betrayed" that she would undermine us by trying to take dd to a regular classroom.

I do feel like I was pretty clear when I said "NO, DON'T DO THAT" that's exactly what I said, lol, while shaking my head in horror. Can't get much clearer than that, right? Tho with MIL, I may not have been direct enough

Really good ideas here, guys (I mean gals). I'm wishing I had the Oak Meadow syllabus, as I've heard it has lots of activity suggestions and ideas that would be pretty easy for the two of them to do together. Anybody wanna post samples?

It's a fine line to walk here, I think. I am grateful for her offer to take dd while I'm post-op, but I'd rather be viked up and doing "bed school" (or just cuddles and movies, whatever, we've done this before without help) than let MIL either sabotage or commandeer our homeschool.

[Kreeblim]

OK, so this is gonna seem like it's coming completely out of left field, but is it possible that she's not trying to subvert your choice to homeschool? I am homeschooling in K and Pre-K this year and I have this weird curiosity about what the other kids are doing. I know he is ahead in reading, and have no idea about where he should be in math...though I do know without the personal attention my K kid has been getting he would have certainly been labled LD due to his ADHD issues.

Is it possible, considering she is kinda a control freak and was always pro-homeschooling, that she just wants to see her grandchild stacked up against the other kids, knowing her grandchild will come out seeming more mature or something? I know many perfectly awesome kids that have come from regular schools, but considering all the stereotypes and comments about my child "falling behind" due to homeschooling, I secretly feel great when the other kids in my son's would-be class are behaving poorly at the public library, or seem to be behind his reading level. I feel guilty right afterwards, and would never purposely bring my child into a situation just to compare and gloat, but I can't deny that the desire for vindication is there.

On top of that, some grandparents put their grandkids on display alot anyway. If one of my kids knows a cute song you can bet my mom will ask him to sing it when a neighbor stops over. My mom will also make a point of dressing them up as cute as possible and going to the mall play area to brag on the kids to other grandparents when she has them. You know her and I don't, so I could be COMPLETELY off base, but maybe it's some combo of wanting to compare, show off, and get some positive feedback?

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by lach

Just to play devil's advocate, but my parents kind of freak out about entertaining my kids too..

but taking her grandchild to visit a school for a day is very odd.

FWIW, the schools in our area, both private and public will allow a child to come in and be a shadow with another student in their grade level. So it is very possible I'm sure in a lot of places. My DD did it a couple of years ago when we were considering private school in 1st grade. She loved the school and wanted to go for recess and lunch but not the academics, where she was completely bored.