how do you preserve your relationship during the 3/4 y.o. phase?

[raelize]

i miss 3. i had finally figured it out. now she is 4 and wow. i don't know if i can make it. even my mother ( who is totally AP, a 12 year LLL leader, and mother of 5) walked out of the room throwing her hands in the air havnig given up.
dd can be really sweet, adn funny, and smart and wonderful. but her tantrums and total lack of respect for me are new and so different from whe she was 3. i don't know how to maintain our relationship during this phase. i am totally scared i will push her away.

[eastkygal]

I have been so worried about this myself. I could have posted this. I am not equipped to handle some of this. I am working on it though. I am finding that I need more time to myself than I did before to be able to remain patient. Time isn't easy to get. I've also let her know how it hurts my feelings. That has helped some. There is a great post on The Parenting Passageway about 4 year olds.

I'd love to hear what others have to say about this age.

[staceychev]

That's so funny... I'm finding 4 to be much easier than 3. The tantrums during 3 were nightmares. The biggest problem with 4 is the total lack of "listening skills." We have to say things 3, 4, or 5 times before they sink in (if they even sink in then). I do find that we've had to be a little more firm in our parenting. I'm still very AP--we still play musical beds and have a lot of snuggle time. I still keep her developmental needs in mind. But, I also talk to her a lot about how she's a "big girl" now and what that means. One thing that helps with me is that I'm expecting, and she's very conscious of her developing status as big sister in the family. My DH also runs interference a lot more than he needed to when she was younger.

[klt]

I am finding the 4's to be really super hard too. I switched my son to a Preschool that is more structured, for starters. There were other reasons for the switch too, but shaping his behavior was on the top of my list. I also am having to structure our time at home more. Like, he needs to do xyz before he gets to play a computer game, setting a timer for how long he can play,....just going back to following more routine with lots more order.

[chiara]

it's definitely a transitional stage over here. she seems to be passing through phases of learning sooo quickly, and one of the results of this is increased anger/clinginess/defiance/weeping in my arms.

[LynnS6]

Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is a good place to start.

This is also an age where Playful Parenting techniques (see Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen) work really well.

[raelize]

yes, yesterday i bought kids/parents/power struggles and also sleepless in america. she has always had a ahard time going to sleep and it relaly affects her behavior, so i hope these help with some fresh ideas. i have also been trying to be very loving when she is in a good mood. but it is like she is 4 going on 13. the looks she gives me and total disregard for my requests are really astonishing.
thanks for your posts. it helps to know i am not the only going throught this.

[meemee]

first i feel we as parents need to evolve along with our kids.

what helped me most was to just see her as a 4 year old and not look at her thru adult eyes. so the whole disrespect thing - i looked at her as someone trying to figure out societal rules. along with her own need of independence. it was the time of choice and responsibilities. it was teh time for me to let go.

what really has helped me is to post pictures of her at 1, 2 and 3 years of age and to really on my bad days just stand and look at it. that's when i realised oh man how fast she is growing up and this too shall pass.

my dd today is 7 and i miss her at 4. i will say i will even miss the bad days because hse is a grown up and has a life of her own now. at that time seh threw a tantrum and i knew what was going on in her head. i dont now.

dunno - for me what really worked was changing my perspective as a parent. and looking at her as a child - rather than what society expects her to become. i realised i would be in trouble becuase i would always see what she is supposed to be. till i realised disrespect was a part of growing up, of figuring things out, i would be v. frustrated.