IL Holiday Dilemma - Please help

[CuckooMamma]

My dds are 8 and 4. When they were 5 and 1.5 my in-laws said that they no longer wanted to see us. We had an incident where they fed dd1 something she was allergic to. They admitted that they did, but rather than apologize, my FIL just flipped and said that they didn't want to see us anymore. Dh and I think that there's obviously a lot more to it, but basically they find us to be too high-maintanance. BIL was always the mom's favorite and their family parents very differently (cry it out, daycare at 3 months eventhough sil was at home, etc.).

The big dilemma is that we're supposed to visit BIL for an after Christmas gift exchange. Dh's parents sent the girls a Christmas box with clothing and a crayola toy for our 4 yo. Fortunately, the girls share everything so the 8 yo can play with the toy as well. However, dd1 asked me why they didn't send her a toy.

Just found out that their cousin was given an American Girl by the in laws. I know that when we visit that she'll bring it up and flaunt it. In the past she's made comments about how she loves seeing her grandparents "all the time". When they came to dds' birthday parties they'd leave early to go visit the in-laws (used to live near us, but spent several days a week at BIL's house anyway). Once my SIL said that she felt bad that my girls didn't get to see their grandparents and BIL's response was, "that's life". As you can see, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. BIL also tells my niece that she's his favorite of their 4 children.

Okay, so what I'm asking is, how do I help my girls deal with the disappointment and surprise of finding out that their grandparents gave their cousin an American Girl doll and not them? What do they say when their cousin proudly shows off her gift? Any girl would want to show off the doll, but the dig about where it comes from is just going to be really rough on my girls.

Right now I don't even want to go because I don't know how to tell them to handle it. So please send suggestions.

Thanks!

[Addy's Mom]

What have you been telling your girls about their grandparents these past few years? Do they have any contact with them? (phone, cards, etc.?). IMO, the way to approach the upcoming visit would depend a lot on how the girls currently perceive their relationship with their grandparents.

[kristenok18]

I don't think I would take my dc to the gift exchange. Why expose them to that nastiness? I'm a strong believer in "family is forever", but I draw the line when it comes to such hurtful behavior. And I would probably be mad enough to send the box of clothing/toy back....if they can't send for both kids, then tell them not to bother. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[chiara]

for us the issue was with family members recognizing all the children in our blended family as equal. I made it very clear to all aunts and uncles etc. that all 3 of these kids were my kids, and all should be treated equally in every situation. my family is from indian and initially had some trouble understanding this. But i was clear and those who couldn't/wouldn't figure it out we don't have contact with anymore, until they figure out how to treat people decently. in my book, family is forever, but don't mess with my kids, kwim?

[CuckooMamma]

When the whole split with the grandparents happened, we were very upfront with the girls (the littlest didn't understand much). We exlained that we didn't really understand why they stopped seeing us (still really can't understand) but that while it was sad for us, we had done nothing wrong and for some reason, they just couldn't be with us. It was a sad thing all around, but that we'd go on to have lots of love in our lives, and they would always know that they had chosen to leave us.

I honestly felt like I'd done a real disservice to my older daughter. I always made them out to be better than they were. My MIL is a colder person, and I'd always make excuses for her. I'd also bring the girls to their house to visit, trying to make this happy family. They'd be taking off to drive to BIL's house 2 hrs away to take care of his kids (at least once a week, sometimes more).

I've really tried to be as upfront as possible. We also did explain that my in-laws really wanted to be able to get tons of love with minimal effort. Our children always have lots of love and so, for example, wouldn't jump at the chance to go to the bathroom with MIL. Meanwhile my nieces and nephew are so neglected, that any scrap of love thrown their way was just eaten up. My in-laws really love that. When they went down to watch the kids it wasn't to give them lots of attention. They'd throw them in front of the tv or drop them at daycare. They wouldn't play with them. But the grandparents feel like that's the right role for them. We just don't subscribe to that family model.

So, the girls have been really confused, because frankly, I don't think dh and I really get it either. DD1 has written to them and received no response. On their birthdays and Christmas they get a package and card. In the card the grandparents will make a small reference to the letter they received from dd, but that's it. Last birthday dd1 invited them to her party. MIL sent a message through my niece that she'd "hurt her back" and couldn't come. Dd looked so happy when she heard that. Then after the party, she told me she didn't think it was true. I just stressed that even if it wasn't true, her grandmother at least wanted her to know that in some way she wished she could be there.

Frankly, I don't like the family dynamics at all. I just worry about my girls not having any family. My mom isn't very dependable either. She'll plan to see them and then if my brother (no kids) decides to come see her, she'll cancel with them. I feel like the girls are getting this second best message and have put distance in the relationship with my mom because of it.

I think that the girls are going to be upset, no matter what, when they find out about the doll. I just want them to have a response ready for their cousin and don't really know what that should be.

In my heart, I really think we shouldn't be hanging out with BIL's family either. I just feel so badly that the girls don't really have any family that we're close with. And could I box up the clothes and toy and send it back? Yup, and I'm sure they'd never send them another thing. As it is I hold my breath every holiday that they'll send something to the girls. I guess after all of this I find it hard to take the step to potentially sever the relationship completely.

I was thinking that dd could thank them for the gifts in her usual thank you card and then ask for an American girl doll for the next holiday. It's not something I would think she should do usually, so not sure that I should advocate that as the solution in this situation. Just thinking to try to give her some control over the doll thing and leave it up to them to come through or not. As for their cousin, how do you get someone to stop shoving something in your face?

[Hoopin' Mama]

Can you call your SIL and BIL and tell them straight out your girls will be hurt to see the American Girl doll from grandma and could it be played down a bit?

I really don't know how to work that out.

[tanyam926]

I can tell you from personal experience that growing up w/out close extended family is not the worst thing in the world.

My parents moved a couple of states away from mom's family bc they were pretty toxic (mainly mom's dad) and she didn't want us to be messed w/by them. I still remember the few visits we had w/ him while I was growing up and his meanness really made an impression on me, so much so that I can still remember the hurt I felt when he said mean things to me, all these yrs later. I can't even imagine if my parents thought that having no gparents would have been worse than having crappy ones. I am thankful they acted to protect us from all that dysfunction.

So if I were you I would trust my instincts and severe contact w/the ILs, including BIL if that's what you feel your heart is telling you to do.

Like I said before, being constantly hurt and dissapointed by their gparents is not better than not having gparents at all.

Hope you and your dh can find peace w/whatever decision you make.

Smilie for ds2: