Another buying gifts thread

[velochic]

This is not my problem, but one that I was talking to a friend about yesterday. I had no good advice for her, as I didn't really know what other people do. My sisters' children are grown and we no longer buy gifts for them, and besides this was never an issue for us.

She (the friend) has two siblings. She has an only child and her brother has an only child. Her sister has 7 children. They exchange gifts for christmas and birthdays.

They are all financially stable, but not rich by any means. The thing is, her sister expects gifts for all 7 kids and my friend is feeling a little overwhelmed/peeved/put out that while she and her brother each have one child that the sister has to buy for, they both have to buy for 7 kids. I can see her point. She has to buy 7 gifts twice a year, and her brother has to buy 7 gifts twice a year, but her sister has to buy two gifts twice a year. Buying for your own kids is different than buying for the nieces and nephews.

I honestly didn't really know what to say during the discussion. My one sister has 2 kids, grown and the other has an only, also grown. I have an only. This was never really an issue in my family.

Thoughts on this? How do other families handle it if one sibling has a lot of kids, the other siblings don't and an exchange of gifts is expected/required to maintain the peace?

[baltic_ballet]

I am a mum of many (7 with twins on the way) and we do not expect family members to buy gifts for our all our kids twice a year, my kids usually receive a gift on their Birthdays and for Christmas we do Kris Kringles (with a price budget) so everyone gets one gift from the extended family.

[alicia622]

I think your friend should just buy for all the kids (perhaps the gifts will be smaller though). However, the mother of the 7 should remember that gifts are never mandatory.

[HollyBearsMom]

Sounds like they need to sit down and have a talk.

I have one child, my sister has 3 and both brothers have 2.

When the kids were all small it was easier as I was single/newly married and what the kids wanted were cheap-matchbox cars, card games, etc. As they got older it got more $$ so I chose to give the gift of time/experiences. Sleep over certificates, day trips to the beach/mountains, trips to a museum.

Then I had my son while all their kids were late teens/early twenties. At that point money was tighter so we all agreed to yankee swap with a reasonable limit and it was for adults-young and old. Little kids still received small, token gifts.

If the SIL with the 7 "expects" 7 gifts twice a year I would reccomend that the SIBLINGS discuss it. If the SIL still insists then I think the only "fair" thing to do is set a limit. So if they agree to spend (just as an example) $35 then the SIL spends $35 on the onlies and your friend spends $5 per child or $35 on a family gift.

[chiara]

socks.

[hibiscus mum]

Maybe a family gift like a new board game they could all play together?

[sunnmama]

It might help to think about it differently. Instead of thinking of the 7 siblings as one group, and the two singles as separate, just think of the all as "the kids of the family". The parents of the 7 certainly have to buy for their own children, as well! In the end, everyone is buying for all 9 children in the family, but the parent of 7 will probably spend a lot more as we typically spend more for our own dc than for our nieces/nephews.

Would it be different if there were 4 sets of parents, with a total of 9 kids? Either way, there are 9 kids, you know?

As an alternative, everyone can just buy for their own kids.

[GuildJenn]

My husband has three siblings, and between them they have 8 kids; we have one.

We still buy gifts for all the kids. Some years it's been sort of on-sale books with a pack of markers or whatever (I pick up a bunch in Sept) but they are all people. As they've gotten to be teens we've still gone with books in leaner years and gift certificates ($10 iTunes woo hoo) in flusher years.

I don't quite understand the "they have seven and we have one" thing. They're all people, even if they come from one pair of adults. If your friend doesn't have the means to buy for them, then she doesn't and that's okay but it sort of sounds like she's trying to make things "even" in the family and that's really unfair. If she had 7 siblings with one kid each would she feel the same way? It seems like she might be judging the family for being big.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Maybe, to make things more equitable, the whole family could do a name draw. All of the adults and kids put their names in a pot, everyone draws a name, and that is who they buy for that year. It would spread out the financial burden a little.

[velochic]

I don't come from a large family of any sort, so I don't know all of the ins and outs of what is going on. From the past conversation, what I am understanding is that at $20/person, my friend is buying more for her sister's kids than she is able to spend on her own. If she didn't have to buy $140 worth of gifts for all the kids, she could buy her only child something more. So, I guess the rule in her family is "buy all the kids gifts of about $20/each" and she is upset that her sister is spending $40 to buy gifts for the niece and nephew and she and her brother are spending nearly $300 combined for the sister's kids. The burden seems to be on her and her brother more than on their sister. I don't even know the age ranges to suggest a single gift for all of the kids combined. Sorry I can't give more details, but I just know what she has told me. I just listen and try not to probe too much. I do know that while they don't "struggle" financially, they are careful with money and do not have a lot to spare. We don't go out to lunch, for example, but get together at our homes. I come from all small families, so I just don't really know how to relate to the situation. Everyone has given me something to think on and talk to her about if the subject comes up again. Thanks!

[Drummer's Wife]

I have 4 kids and my three siblings each have none (for now). They usually do buy each kid something, but sometimes they have bought something for them to share. It just depends - but I would never expect them to buy my kids anything, whether I had 2 or 10. I don't think gifts are always fair, though, financially. I mean, the sister with less kids spends more on her neices/nephews but the sibling with 7 kids spends more on her own family. I'm sure DH and I spent a ton more $ on Christmas this year than my siblings with no kids, yk? But I do see how it can seem like a lot when you think about picking out 7 gifts. I might be inclined to give each of them a book.

[jeanine123]

I think that instead of them focusing on how much money needs to be spent on each gift they instead focus on buying a smaller, less expensive gift that would still have meaning. Obviously I don't know what the kid's ages are but you can get pads of paper, coloring books, markers, crayons and other crafty supplies like that for less than $20. Same thing with replacement Play-Doh colors or small travel Magna-Doodles. If they're tween to teen aged then $5-$10 gift cards for iTunes would work, assuming of course that they have an iPod. Otherwise straight up cash works or a small gift card to a store. Yeah, you can't buy a whole lot for $10 if it's clothing or something like that but they can either save it up or use it to make a dent.

While I do buy presents for all of the nieces and nephews (there are 5 right now) it was not something that was done when I was a kid. Far too many aunts and uncles with and without kids. The only people who gave us presents other than my parents were godparents and grandparents. And as far as the godparents were concerned the presents ended when we turned 18. I don't honestly know how I would feel if I had that many nieces and nephews to potentially buy gifts for. I think I would still do so but the amount of money spent on the gifts would be less. I would also make sure I was able to buy the presents I wanted for my child(ren) before buying presents for others. If that means that others will have to make do with less expensive presents then so be it. If they're really focused on the amount of money spent or the "coolness" of the gift instead of the thought and love behind it then I would have to seriously reconsider giving them gifts in the future.

[NiteNicole]

Family gift at Christmas, smaller gifts for birthdays.

[KirstenMary]

Originally Posted by velochic

From the past conversation, what I am understanding is that at $20/person, my friend is buying more for her sister's kids than she is able to spend on her own. If she didn't have to buy $140 worth of gifts for all the kids, she could buy her only child something more. So, I guess the rule in her family is "buy all the kids gifts of about $20/each" and she is upset that her sister is spending $40 to buy gifts for the niece and nephew and she and her brother are spending nearly $300 combined for the sister's kids. The burden seems to be on her and her brother more than on their sister.

Then she and her brother need to be honest with the sister and create a budget that works for all families. It might not seem "fair" to the sister with more children, but is "fair" what Christmas is supposed to be about anyway??? I think your friend should work out a budget that is in the best interest of her own family and go from there. And frankly, I don't even think anything need be said to the sister. If she puts a lot of thought and creativity into the gifts, she can make a more inexpensive gift *look* like a $20 present, kwim?

So, anyway, next year, she should scale back her budget to what works for her and keep her mouth shut about how much she spent. No one will ever know but her. Seriously. I doubt her sister is going to ask her to confirm that she actually spent $20 per kid. At least I hope not.

[Biscuits & Gravy]

My thought is that the children should not be "punished" because of their family size. Just because you have 6 siblings does not make you less deserving of a Christmas gift from your aunts & uncles. If I were your friend I would consider that, and just continue to buy each child a gift.

[annethcz]

I agree that a frank conversation is in order.

We have a similar situation in our family. I have 4 children. The only other family with children has 1 child. I definitely understand that buying for 4 neices/nephews could be a burden and whenever we talk about exchanging gifts I try to make it clear that we certainly don't expect pricey gifts. I also tend to spend more on my 1 neice because I want to make up for the fact that her parents are buying for all of my kids.

If it was a financial burden for my SIL to buy gifts for my kids, I'd really hope that she would talk to me about it.

[moondiapers]

In my XH's family there were similar situation. We did a name draw, and you bought a FAMILY gift for the family you drew. We usually gave a gift basket with a family movie, microwave popcorn, hot cocoa mix, and a board game in it. It was for the whole family to enjoy

[sunnmama]

I would suggest your friend be honest about not being able to afford $20 per niece/nephew. I couldn't afford that. I would still spend about the same (in time and/or money) on each niece/nephew, though, regardless of which couple is raising the child.

[BetsyS]

We have 8 nieces and nephews; 6 are still under 25 and get gifts. We do $20 each (they are teenagers now, so it's cash), which is $120. That's more than I spent on my children for Christmas.

I guess I see it as a choice that we do. We like to gift them, so we do. If money was different, or if we truly didn't have it, then we'd change things up.

FWIW, that side of the family consists of 3 families. This year, one didn't gift my kids, one gave them 2 matchbox cars (so total cost $2), and one sent a joint $20 gift.

I have one child-less brother on my side, and he gifted my children around $30 each.

It all works out eventually.

[Jeannettea]

If I'm understanding this - it's a $20 VALUE, correct?

Your friend can catch some amazing deals at sales throughout the year. She needs to sit down and make up a sheet of questions - things like
"what is your favorite perfume/cologne/candle fragrance?"
"what size shirt do you wear?"
"what is your favorite thing to do?"
"what is your favorite meal/dessert/candy?"
"what kind of movies/cartoons/tv shows do you like best?"
and so on.....

Then she can keep these lists tucked into her purse. When she happens upon a great sale, she can pick something up.......for example, right now Bath and Body Works has all lotions for $3. Normally, they're $9.50. Your friend could pick up two bottles of a niece's fave lotion for $6 (value $19) and then add a small candy bar to it (who doesn't love chocolate???), and that gift is complete.

Nobody but your friend would be the wiser on how much the gifts actually cost - but the VALUE would be $20 which to me means the same thing, and honestly, I think paying full price for anything is for suckers (no offense intended.....I'm a real bargain hunter but I still love brand name stuff!!!).

My SIL's do not care if the niece/nephews receive used items, sale items, etc. so long as it's something their kids actually want or will really use. Same for me. My gift to two nephews this year was a Wii remote for $30. It was a gift for them both to have -they only had one remote and had to share all the time. This way they can both play at the same time. My gift to the niece/nephew (who are 4 and 3) was a Vsmile gaming system w/ two controllers, four game cartridges, and the power plug. It came from ebay and was a STEAL. They all loved what they got!

Tell your friend - SALES ARE THE WAY TO GO!