Another buying gifts thread - Page 2

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

If she had 7 siblings with one kid each would she feel the same way? It seems like she might be judging the family for being big.

If she had 7 siblings with 1 kid each, she'd send out 7 kid gifts... and each of them would send out a gift to her kid, meaning they'd all get and send 7 gifts. Every kids would get 7 gifts from their cousins. That's "fair."

As it is, 2 of the siblings send out 8 gifts and 1 sends out 2 gifts. Why is it being based on who their parent is for how many gifts the sister has to send and not on how many kids there are total? That doesn't seem "fair" at all. Nor does complaining that your kids should get more, unless they send gifts to only some of the 7, that would be wrong IMO.

If you're looking for "fair," she should offer either a "yankee exchange" (that phrase rubs me the wrong way though!) or...
Every kid needs to give a gift to every other kid. That way she'll be sending out 8 gifts to her nieces and nephews, and her only child will be receiving 8 gifts, 7 from her sister's children, and 1 from her brother's. That would probably increase the sister's understanding of a more appropriate price point too. I think having cousins exchange things that they can help choose/make, $2-5, is a lovely idea, and might help them get to know one another more.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

If she had 7 siblings with 1 kid each, she'd send out 7 kid gifts... and each of them would send out a gift to her kid, meaning they'd all get and send 7 gifts. Every kids would get 7 gifts from their cousins. That's "fair."

As it is, 2 of the siblings send out 8 gifts and 1 sends out 2 gifts. Why is it being based on who their parent is for how many gifts the sister has to send and not on how many kids there are total? That doesn't seem "fair" at all. Nor does complaining that your kids should get more, unless they send gifts to only some of the 7, that would be wrong IMO.

If you're looking for "fair," she should offer either a "yankee exchange" (that phrase rubs me the wrong way though!) or...
Every kid needs to give a gift to every other kid. That way she'll be sending out 8 gifts to her nieces and nephews, and her only child will be receiving 8 gifts, 7 from her sister's children, and 1 from her brother's. That would probably increase the sister's understanding of a more appropriate price point too. I think having cousins exchange things that they can help choose/make, $2-5, is a lovely idea, and might help them get to know one another more.

Yes, this is a good suggestion I will give her if she brings up the topic again. I think that the thing that was bothering my friend is that each *family* gifts the kids, not the individuals. If all of the kids gift each other, then yes, the sister would perhaps understand why $20/person is a little much when two people have the financial burden of each buying for 8 kids and one of them has the burden of buying for only 2 kids.

Having nieces and nephews (grown now, as I said, but I used to buy for them), I can say with certainty that buying gifts for them was never like buying for my own child. There just isn't the same joy. It has nothing to do with them being "people" like others.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by hibiscus mum

Maybe a family gift like a new board game they could all play together?

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

If she had 7 siblings with 1 kid each, she'd send out 7 kid gifts... and each of them would send out a gift to her kid, meaning they'd all get and send 7 gifts. Every kids would get 7 gifts from their cousins. That's "fair."

As it is, 2 of the siblings send out 8 gifts and 1 sends out 2 gifts. Why is it being based on who their parent is for how many gifts the sister has to send and not on how many kids there are total? That doesn't seem "fair" at all. Nor does complaining that your kids should get more, unless they send gifts to only some of the 7, that would be wrong IMO.

If you're looking for "fair," she should offer either a "yankee exchange" (that phrase rubs me the wrong way though!) or...
Every kid needs to give a gift to every other kid. That way she'll be sending out 8 gifts to her nieces and nephews, and her only child will be receiving 8 gifts, 7 from her sister's children, and 1 from her brother's. That would probably increase the sister's understanding of a more appropriate price point too. I think having cousins exchange things that they can help choose/make, $2-5, is a lovely idea, and might help them get to know one another more.

I guess I've just never, ever in my life seen gifts as an attempt to make sure the money out is the same as the money in. It makes me really sad for the kids and our society that it's being framed that way.

When we didn't have kids we gifted all the kids and loved it, and it's the same now.

[Storm Bride]

Gifts aren't mandatory, so her sister shouldn't have any expectation at all.

That said:

I have four kids.
My brother has four kids, plus a stepson (and I'd consider him a nephew, too - except that his mom has never made that possible).
My sister has four kids.

For a long time, I had an only. My brother had all his kids, and I still had an only. My sister had her first two kids, and I still had an only. I had dd1, and my sister had her twins three weeks later. At that point, I was gifting the nine children of my siblings, and I still only had two. I never cared, and it never mattered. (The only hard part was that I was ttc and having three miscarriages through all this, and it hurt that they had all those kids, because I didn't.)

It doesn't matter now, either. My sister is on a very limited income. I spent more on my 8 year old nephew's gift than my sister spent on all my kids combined (I know this, because I was with her when she bought one of them, and I bought the other one for her, because she's in the hospital). DS1 got a small gift card - and loved it, because it combined with other gift cards and he was able to buy himself something he really wanted, without spending any of his own money. DD1 and ds2 got a combined gift - a 24 pack of PlayDoh. They loved it. DD2 didn't get anything, because she's a baby. My sister and I discussed that ahead of time, because she just wanted to make sure I was okay with it. I'm thrilled that my kids have a new pile of PlayDoh to enjoy. So, I bought four gifts for her four kids. She bought two gifts for my four kids.

You know what? I don't care what she spent on us. I wouldn't care if she'd spent half that. My kids wouldn't care, either. I don't care that we spent more or that we bought more gifts. Actually, if she'd done a basket of baking for the whole family, as she did a few years ago, we'd have all been thrilled with that, too. I'm not into expecting things from people, or getting bent when they don't spend what I spend or do exactly what I do, yk? One year (before we had kids), my sister picked out a $0.99 bookmark for each person in our family. That was about 20 years ago, and we still remember it, because she put a lot of effort into picking out just the right one for each of us.

I wouldn't (didn't) have an issue with shopping for the children of my siblings, even if there were way more of them than I have. OTOH, I also wouldn't get bent about whether or not my siblings spent money on my kids. That's just not what it's about to me.The only time financial parity enters the world of gift-giving for me is in making sure all my nieces and nephews receive items of comparable value, because I don't want any of them to feel slighted.

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I guess I've just never, ever in my life seen gifts as an attempt to make sure the money out is the same as the money in. It makes me really sad for the kids and our society that it's being framed that way.

When we didn't have kids we gifted all the kids and loved it, and it's the same now.

If no one is being rude here, then the OPs friend gives to her nieces and nephews as she wishes and can afford to do, and all is happy. Some will buy more $ gifts, some will buy delightful gifts that are less $, all is fine.

However, her sister is making a stink that not enough $ is spent on all 7 of her children and that it's "unfair." It's not unfair to spend on gifts according to your ability and as you choose. Her sister is being rude, and she's also completely wrong about what would be "fair" if shes going to make a stink about "fair."

[fizzymom]

I'm so tired that my eyes are crossing, so sorry if I'm just repeating someone else.

We are on the other side of the same situation. I have 3 and my sister has 1. Maybe I'm overly sensitive to "fairness", but we send 3 gifts for birthday and 3 gifts for Christmas - one from each of my kids. If they have another we will send 3 gifts for that child also. If we have another, we will send 4. If we end up with even numbers, maybe we'll just draw names. The gifts aren't big. When we have more, we send more - when we have less, we send less. If all they can afford is a card - so what? When gifts become an obligation they are no longer gifts. I send what makes me happy, in the hope that it makes someone else happy.

I remember being bothered as a child by my grandmother giving me (then an only) a big gift at Christmas and my 2 cousins smaller gifts (x dollars spent per family). BLEH! Siblings are not a divided child.

Wow! That rambled. Going to bed now, so as to not annoy anyone else.

[Super_mommy]

I don't expect gifts from anyone, gifts alone are not that important..Love and affection is what matters to me...

[Mrs. Bratton]

This is kind of a hard one. I really think the only fair thing is to keep doing what their doing. If the sister spends $10 a piece on their kids then they should spend $10 a peice on her seven. As someone said she may get a break only having to buy for their one child a piece but she still has to buy for her seven. they have to buy for her seven but they get a break only having their one. I think the "children of the family" thing is the best way to think of it. Then again, its not their fault she has seven kids but that seems like a pretty awful way to think. Afterall, its not the kids' fault they have 6 siblings.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by Biscuits & Gravy

My thought is that the children should not be "punished" because of their family size. Just because you have 6 siblings does not make you less deserving of a Christmas gift from your aunts & uncles. If I were your friend I would consider that, and just continue to buy each child a gift.

Yes.

Why punish those poor kids because their parents chose to have lots.

I believe that everything works out in the end. I'm sure the only children probably get better vacations and out to eat more.