Baby steps for a better life..

[Purple*Lotus]

I have decided that for the past 9 years of my life, I have been killing myself with my weight. I have gained so much since I met my husband. He was abusive and I had no self esteem. I ate because I think in my mind, I knew that if I was heavy, he wouldn't want to touch me. It worked, but I am at least 450 pounds right now, and I don't want to die!

I left him. I am rebuilding my life. I want to take care of myself for a change. I almost feel like not doing something about my weight makes everything I went through with him in vain. I feel somehow entitled to free myself from this excess weight, so that I can move freely through the world. I want to be able to get a ride with someone and have the seatbelt fit. Or to be able to walk up the stairs without gasping for breath. I feel like I deserve to feel better about myself. To meet someone one day who will actually treat me with respect. Someone who will love me. Someone that I can maybe have a family with. I just don't want to die because I am obese. What a waste!

I feel like I have had so many wake up calls. When I lost my sight in the right eye. When I almost died because my apenea was so bad. Like, hello? How many more signs do I need, already?

And I realize that people are going to make fun of me when I go walking for exercise. One thing I don't get is why people feel that they must yell nasty things to me from their cars? How does that enrich their life? But whatever. I will turn my MP3 player up and keep on walking. I just have to do something. I really feel like if I don't, my entire struggle will have been worthless.

So anyway, I have no idea why I put this out here for the entire MDC to read. Maybe because I there are so many people on here, that someone out there will encourage me And I need that right now.

[34me]

You go girl. I wish you lived close, I work at a rec center and you could walk there free from hideous people. We're like that

[texmati]

I clicked on this post because I remember your username from a previous thread... I was impressed with you then, and I'm still impressed! You are awesome for following through on making a change in your life. BIG hugs!

[MyZymurgy]

You absolutely deserve better.

I think getting a support system in place will be very important. I have a lot of weight to lose as well, and hope to tackle the "project me" after the baby is born. There are some neat weight-loss forums online you might find encouraging to visit. Three Fat Chicks on a Diet has a 300+ section filled with supportive women and inspiring stories. http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/300-club-124/

I'd exercise with you if you were in my area!! Screw what anyone thinks when they see you. You're doing for yourself... Maybe look for a local women's-only gym - that may be a more comfortable environment. Or if you can afford it and have the space, a treadmill is a great way to get daily walks in the winter months.

Kudos for being so open and honest with your post. I think that kind of honesty will get you VERY far in your quest to improve your health.

[Purple*Lotus]

Thank you ladies, I was nervous when I posted this.

I actually have access to the gym at my job, but I exceed the weight limit on the machines by a lot, so I am going to have to wait until I get some weight off to go there. I don't want to break any of the machines, I would just be mortified The nurses have a scale that goes up to 440, and as soon as I hit that mark, they will let me get weighed once a week if I want. I am going to see if the local Urgent Care will let me stop in and weigh on their scale tomorrow, just so that I know how much I weigh. I would like to know for my own records. So many places do not have scales that go up high enough.

[greenmansions]

You are amazing and deserve all that is good to come to you! Good luck with your self improvement project. I need one too...

[Smokering]

Hugs to you.. you've been through SO much.

Have you checked out the adipositivity blogosphere? It's not about weight loss, more about aiming for health at any size and self-acceptance and anti-discrimination activism and so on; but that doesn't mean people who want to lose weight can't get anything out of it. (You're not allowed to discuss weight loss on most forums, though.) If you have issues with depression or self-esteem, you might find a lot of support. PM me if you like and I'll link you to a few blogs I know about; there are some amazing women out there.

On a side note, do you blog? You express yourself really well on MDC. If you wanted to start a blog for accountability, positive thinking, venting, posting photoshopped pics or your ex-husband or whatever, I'd totally follow it. Or if you already do blog, PM me your link?

I think you're cool. You can do this!

[MommaShark]

Hang in there! Find a local support group and a friend to tell everyday how much you walked and what you ate - it helps!!!

[Purple*Lotus]

Originally Posted by Smokering

Hugs to you.. you've been through SO much.

Have you checked out the adipositivity blogosphere? It's not about weight loss, more about aiming for health at any size and self-acceptance and anti-discrimination activism and so on; but that doesn't mean people who want to lose weight can't get anything out of it. (You're not allowed to discuss weight loss on most forums, though.) If you have issues with depression or self-esteem, you might find a lot of support. PM me if you like and I'll link you to a few blogs I know about; there are some amazing women out there.

On a side note, do you blog? You express yourself really well on MDC. If you wanted to start a blog for accountability, positive thinking, venting, posting photoshopped pics or your ex-husband or whatever, I'd totally follow it. Or if you already do blog, PM me your link?

I think you're cool. You can do this!

I do blog Mostly venting right now though I will PM you the link right now

[kristenok18]

Originally Posted by Smokering

Hugs to you.. you've been through SO much.

Have you checked out the adipositivity blogosphere? It's not about weight loss, more about aiming for health at any size and self-acceptance and anti-discrimination activism and so on; but that doesn't mean people who want to lose weight can't get anything out of it. (You're not allowed to discuss weight loss on most forums, though.) If you have issues with depression or self-esteem, you might find a lot of support. PM me if you like and I'll link you to a few blogs I know about; there are some amazing women out there.

On a side note, do you blog? You express yourself really well on MDC. If you wanted to start a blog for accountability, positive thinking, venting, posting photoshopped pics or your ex-husband or whatever, I'd totally follow it. Or if you already do blog, PM me your link?

I think you're cool. You can do this!

My feelings exactly! I'm strongly rooting for you, Bunnyflakes, and am hoping that the love you exude here on MDC comes back to you threefold IRL. You deserve it! (I'd also love to follow your blog, if you'd let me)

[lach]

I think a blog would be an excellent idea! You do express yourself very well.

If you are nervous about exercising in pubic, Craigslist can be a great resource for very cheap exercise equipment. Many people buy it and never use it and then just want to sell it cheaply to get rid of it. My library also has a really huge collection of exercise videos and DVDs. Some are real aerobic workouts that probably aren't a good idea to start with, but they also have a lot of more gentle yoga/stretching ones.

If you have health insurance, see what sort of benefits your company and insurance offer. See if you can see a nutritionist, who can help you come up with a reasonable diet plan. There is sooooo much misinformation about diets out there, and so many snake oil salesmen trying to sell the latest fad, that it can be really hard even for intelligent, well-educated people to know what's real and what isn't.

(I totally know all this because I need to take my own advice)

Good luck, and keep us updated!

[Purple*Lotus]

Okay, I put my blog URL in my profile where it says to put your homepage. I hope that is okay, I don't know what the rules are about that. I would love it if some people read along and kept up with me. I will try to post daily about my progress.

My Mom has a treadmill in our basement but when I get on it the belt wont move. I think it's weight limit is even less than the one at my work's gym. So for now I will be walking in the mall after work. It helps that the mall is practically empty of stores, so it wont be crowded. I think people only use it for walking right now, actually

[dutchgal]

FWIW, when I see other people exercising, whether they are overweight or not, I just have lots of respect for them...I don't think you're going to see much of any other sentiment out there. I know I would never make fun of anyone doing exercise! You go mama!!

[sinsaratea]

You can do it! I don't have quite as much to lose but at 250 it still seems impossible at times. I have found that I am very comfortable at the YMCA. They [at least this one] is a very open, family, health-oriented place. I see people of all sizes and ages and there are so many activities that I don't get bored.

I have been there, walking in my own neighborhood and some stupid kids called out from inside their house. i was mortified and didn't go walking again. now i don't care so much. i bought a bike off craigslist and a trailer for my 4yo and we go on the trails.

i agree that writing down everythign i eat has been the real eye-opener. i had no idea what some things "cost" calorie-wise and how much i was taking in. some of my only weight loss has been with weight watcher. in fact i did really well with the online-only one. but sparkpeople is good too and free.

and it sounds cheesy but i also watch the biggest loser and, debateable wisdom of such fast weight loss and obvious product placement aside, i get totally inspired by it.

keep up the motivational talk! we are here for you. i believe in you.

[Purple*Lotus]

OKay if you click on the "contact me" part of my profile you can see my blog there.

I had to edit out that happily married crap I forgot I had that in there

I am still totally keeping my occupation as "Superwoman" though

[Purple*Lotus]

My STBX took my bike THe bike he bought FOR me, I might add But I have a feeling that I will get it back in the divorce, and I took pretty much everything else, so it is all good

Thanks for all of the support, it means a lot to me!!

[MCR]

You can do it, bunny, one step at a time, you're and inspiration.

[sinsaratea]

Originally Posted by Bunnyflakes

My STBX took my bike THe bike he bought FOR me, I might add But I have a feeling that I will get it back in the divorce, and I took pretty much everything else, so it is all good

doh! well yes, here's hoping for the best. the thing i have had to remind myself is that i am in control of my life. i feel for you. DH and I have been sep. for 2 1/2 years and at times he is an estranged husband. i have had my share of wallowing but i am beginning to create the life i want. you seem to have had the same epiphany. good for you!

[alaskaberry]

Originally Posted by Bunnyflakes

And I realize that people are going to make fun of me when I go walking for exercise. One thing I don't get is why people feel that they must yell nasty things to me from their cars? How does that enrich their life? But whatever. I will turn my MP3 player up and keep on walking.

Exactly! Screw the haters.

Couldn't read and not reply. But, I also wanted to say, Go you. It sounds like you have an awesome journey ahead of you. I've also heard that Planet Fitness is full of non-judgmental people. (Although they don't have daycare, which sucks, cuz personally I'd rather pay $20/mo but not if I'm going to have to exercise with 2 kids slung to my body )

I'm also on the journey, via a lifestyle change--I don't exercise at *all*. And I love to eat foods that are "bad" in large doses. (This is why I weigh 200 lbs!)

Anyway...I just wanted to give positive energy!

[Theia]

You go Superwoman! You've been through a lot. You have done so much for yourself recently. I'm sure your journey to good health is just one more thing that you are going to accomplish for yourself. Off to check out your blog.