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Baby steps for a better life.. - Page 28

post #541 of 822
I dont know where you live, but one of the ladies at my Chidlren DCP is leaving on Friday. She has been there 16 years! She was there when my sister attended. Im heartbroken to see her go.

If you lived in my area, I would be tickled PINK to have YOU as one of my children's DCPs to take her place. Seriously.

Nice little fantasy world I live in, huh?
post #542 of 822
You are amazing!!!
post #543 of 822
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessMommy View Post
I am so happy for you!
Thank you
Quote:
Originally Posted by Theia View Post
J - Wow, that post is so amazing! I am so happy for you. You have come so far in your journey and I am sure you will achieve your personal goals. You deserve it! I for one am glad you are here on MDC. Mother's take many forms, and aren't always the biological or even long term example we are most familiar with. And sometimes we need to be around other mothers, other strong women, to learn how to mother and love ourselves. You belong here as much as any other mother.

(It sounds weird to write "other mother", like I'm trying to be all hip and use slang or something )
Thanks for saying that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kristenok18 View Post
Jaime, I have tears in my eyes. What a powerful and beautiful post. Print this out and read it on those days when you are feeling low, because your strength and character glow brightly through your words. I am another one who is glad you are here on MDC; the place just wouldn't seem right without you.
Thanks for your nice words! I can't imagine not being at MDC!

Quote:
Originally Posted by _ktg_ View Post
I am crying here at my desk at work, such a beautiful post! You have come so far and yes its all baby steps but my dear you are making those baby steps into giant LEAPS!

Like Theia I am glad you are here on MDC and you belong here just like the rest of us

More importantly thank you for letting me be on this journey with you and despite having several thousand miles apart, I consider you a dear friend. s
Thank you
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
I dont know where you live, but one of the ladies at my Chidlren DCP is leaving on Friday. She has been there 16 years! She was there when my sister attended. Im heartbroken to see her go.

If you lived in my area, I would be tickled PINK to have YOU as one of my children's DCPs to take her place. Seriously.

Nice little fantasy world I live in, huh?
Thank you I would love to take care of your kids I love them dearly. I just don't make any money so it is such a hard position to be in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mouso View Post
You are amazing!!!
Thanks

Okay so this is a cross post

What a bizarre day. I filed for divorce- did not have to pay the fees, BTW, because I qualified for the waiver

Then I thought that I would take a tiny amount of the leftover money and buy a journal for myself, because literally I have not bought a thing for myself since August. So I thought I would take the divorce money and put it towards a medical bill, but just save that $20. I went on the way to work and bought a pretty journal about going for your dreams.

Then I was overwhelmed with the need to write- I used to write poetry before STBX took my soul- so I pulled over in a parking lot and wrote a poem. I haven't written in wow, how many years now?

Then I went to work. Started walking down the muddy hill *it rained this morning* even though I have told my students 100 times not to do that, to take the ramp instead. I fell, twisted my leg and landed in a pile of mud One of my students asked me if my Mommy was going to be mad for getting mud on my clothes Another one told me that my Mom would have to come to school and fill out an accident report. Then she said "Miss Jaime, you are allowed to go to the doctor, then change your clothes, but then you probably need to come right back to school."


My boss took me to Urgent Care and I had 7 xrays done. I normally would not have gone but I guess the Workers Comp insists on it and plus she is paying so, why not? My ankle is sprained and I just brought back the memories of the knee injury I had 10 years ago. I had physical therapy on it a few years ago and it's been fine. Then I came home and had a good cry, mostly from the pain I am in than anything else. And I wrote in my new journal.

She told me I could stay home tomorrow too, but you know me, I would have stayed today if I had some extra clothes in the car

So this has just been a really odd day all around! But I started the process of divorce And I wrote again
post #544 of 822
I just had to post... I have a journal too, its the ONE thing I must have for me. Its sorta part of my therapy for ME. Anyway, I think you and I could be twins. I tumble..and I can so see myself doing that. I'm glad you are ok tho'.
post #545 of 822
Thread Starter 
I am loving my new journal

Not loving the fact that I wrote in it about a horrible nightmare I had today about going back to my STBX It scared the crap out of me because he was 100 times worse to me in the dream than he was in reality and I kept thinking "I HAVE TO GET OUT! I HAVE TO GET AWAY!" but I couldn't

I woke up very shaken up and I had sweated through my clothes even and it was cold in my room so I know it was from fear.

Ugh

Anyhow, I took the day off today. I know, crazy, right? I agonized over that for an hour this morning but I barely limped to the bathroom so I would have been totally useless for my students. I spent the day resting, icing and elevating. My ankle seems fine, it is the knee that hurts. My boss called and told me she was paying me for today and not using it against my paid time off Thank God for that! She said it was not my fault I had to miss work.

I know that because I got hurt at work it apparantly makes be absolved of stupidity- but um, it WAS my fault She doesn't agree but it totally was. Who walks down a muddy/sandy *from the sandbox* hill in Crocs 2 hours after it rains? Especially after lecturing the chickens about not doing it over the past 17 months? Big DUH award going to me.

I am going tomorrow though. My kids are doing a fundraiser trike-a-thon to raise money to Cancer research. I want to be sitting on the sidelines cheering them on.
post #546 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunnyflakes View Post
I am loving my new journal

Not loving the fact that I wrote in it about a horrible nightmare I had today about going back to my STBX It scared the crap out of me because he was 100 times worse to me in the dream than he was in reality and I kept thinking "I HAVE TO GET OUT! I HAVE TO GET AWAY!" but I couldn't

I woke up very shaken up and I had sweated through my clothes even and it was cold in my room so I know it was from fear.

Ugh

Anyhow, I took the day off today. I know, crazy, right? I agonized over that for an hour this morning but I barely limped to the bathroom so I would have been totally useless for my students. I spent the day resting, icing and elevating. My ankle seems fine, it is the knee that hurts. My boss called and told me she was paying me for today and not using it against my paid time off Thank God for that! She said it was not my fault I had to miss work.

I know that because I got hurt at work it apparantly makes be absolved of stupidity- but um, it WAS my fault She doesn't agree but it totally was. Who walks down a muddy/sandy *from the sandbox* hill in Crocs 2 hours after it rains? Especially after lecturing the chickens about not doing it over the past 17 months? Big DUH award going to me.

I am going tomorrow though. My kids are doing a fundraiser trike-a-thon to raise money to Cancer research. I want to be sitting on the sidelines cheering them on.
I'm so sorry you got hurt. Please be kind to yourself, though. When people do something even though they know better, that's normal everyday human frailty, NOT stupidity. I can't imagine you being as hard on one of the kids or a colleague or one of us here on MDC. You have left STBX; you don't have to let anything remotely like his script play in your head!!! You have left him, and you deserve better. From everyone.
post #547 of 822
Bunny- Don't beat yourself up about an accident. If I did that, I would never be able to get out of bed as I am a huge klutz!
Accidents happen. Try to enjoy your paid day off, rest, and maybe write a bit more!

I hope you feel better soon!
post #548 of 822
Hey, are you feeling better?
post #549 of 822
Thread Starter 
I feel much better, thank you I let myself sleep in this morning and my knee feels great. Only having slight pain. I think I wont need the Advil anymore, or at least much lower doses. I feel that I can exercise again by next week
post #550 of 822
Thread Starter 
Well my court date is September 29th. We get a whopping 30 minutes of the court's time. Yay!

I have decided that I would really like to look fabulous by then. I wonder how much weight I could lose before then? I want him to suffer

I am so bad!
post #551 of 822
Thread Starter 
Okay so there is this pizza kit in our fridge right now. It has been in there for a week. You just add the toppings, bake, and viola, pizza.

I have been obsessing about it since it went in to the fridge. We were supposed to eat them *it is a pair* a couple of times in the week but it never happened. I think Mom wants me to make them tomorrow for dinner. We make one that they like and one I like usually. Theoretically, I take the leftovers for lunch the next day.

The compulsion to eat that entire pizza once it has been made has consumed my thoughts for a week now. I am embarassed to admit how often I have thought about it. Probably once an hour, at least.

I weigh 460 pounds. This isn't a joke for me, this is serious shit. Maybe 260 pounds, and I could afford to be flippant about it. But 460 is just plain stupidity and I am playing with my life.

I am crying out for help and I wonder if anyone hears me. I guess I just don't know what to do. OA worked really well for me but the meeting dissolved here. No other freaking location within 200 miles of here.

I feel frustrated because I am listening to my body and it is telling me that it is really, really pissed off at me!!

Well the computer is due for it's daily update, more in a bit...
post #552 of 822
Thread Starter 
So the long story short is is that I have got to do something and I am not sure what it is.

The actual process of losing weight is very simple. Eat when you are hungry. And freaking A, I could write a book about nutrition myself. I don't really need help in that area.

I feel weak and like I don't have any willpower. What would happen tomorrow if I just didn't eat any of that pizza? If I just had something else?

I mean, it is doubtful that the world would come to an end. And maybe it is better to obsess in silence and never taste it.
post #553 of 822
you know i do that a lot i just dont take the first bite being diabetic i find it wasier to never take the first bite than to have only a little. if i cna help you in any way i would love to
post #554 of 822
Can you put toppings your parents like and you don't on half of your pizza? It is so hard to override that brain chemistry (cravings and such) when it screaming at us inside our own heads. Find a way to trick that inner voice, fill up with water and a huge salad before the pizza comes out of the oven, cut the pizza in half and before eating, immediately wrap half up and throw it in the freezer.
post #555 of 822
I know how you feel. Food is hard for me to deal with also. I have found that I just can't have certain foods around because I will binge on them and I just can't stop myself. I have learned that the hard way. I am so sorry you don't have an OA meeting that is close to you. I really wish I lived closer and could help you start something. I don't really have any advice since this is something I struggle with as well but I just wanted to say I know how hard it is. I think you are doing great and have made great strides. I am very proud of you.
post #556 of 822
I think the key is eat what YOU want regardless of what mom is making for dinner. I know its difficult for you but she will get over it. If you dont want pizza then dont have pizza. If pizza is goign to make you feel yucky later dont have pizza. Make something else, get to the store and buy what you want. I know your mom can be difficult to deal with but ITS ABOUT YOU.

Don't be flippiant, BE STRONG!
post #557 of 822
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by zacharysmom View Post
you know i do that a lot i just dont take the first bite being diabetic i find it wasier to never take the first bite than to have only a little. if i cna help you in any way i would love to
Yes that is a good point, it probably is easier to just avoid, avoid and avoid

Quote:
Originally Posted by kristenok18 View Post
Can you put toppings your parents like and you don't on half of your pizza? It is so hard to override that brain chemistry (cravings and such) when it screaming at us inside our own heads. Find a way to trick that inner voice, fill up with water and a huge salad before the pizza comes out of the oven, cut the pizza in half and before eating, immediately wrap half up and throw it in the freezer.
Good idea, freeze it! I might try that
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beautiful~Life View Post
I know how you feel. Food is hard for me to deal with also. I have found that I just can't have certain foods around because I will binge on them and I just can't stop myself. I have learned that the hard way. I am so sorry you don't have an OA meeting that is close to you. I really wish I lived closer and could help you start something. I don't really have any advice since this is something I struggle with as well but I just wanted to say I know how hard it is. I think you are doing great and have made great strides. I am very proud of you.
and thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zebra15 View Post
I think the key is eat what YOU want regardless of what mom is making for dinner. I know its difficult for you but she will get over it. If you dont want pizza then dont have pizza. If pizza is goign to make you feel yucky later dont have pizza. Make something else, get to the store and buy what you want. I know your mom can be difficult to deal with but ITS ABOUT YOU.

Don't be flippiant, BE STRONG!
Good point, I should just avoid eating with them entirely. It is easy when I go walking after work since I totally miss dinner. My knee better get better ASAP so I can go walking again!
post #558 of 822
Thread Starter 
I just did the math. I was with my STBX for 3008 days

I have been free for 291 days

I don't know why I felt the need to calculate that, but I did
post #559 of 822
I think I'd just not eat any of the pizza - anything with that much fat/salt just punches all of your body's "eat it - all of it - now!!!" buttons. I've had weight issues in the past (currently have some now), & know perfectly well what I need to do to lose weight. I've done a serious weight reduction once before, & several minor ones; there's some stuff I just can't eat, preferably don't even have in the house, but just.cannot.eat. Or I'll eat all of it. It helps if I'm *too busy* to eat, so I just don't think about it; also, getting enough sleep, as I tend to eat to get the quick energy boost calories provide.

You are doing great!! You're getting out & walking (well, as soon as your knee feels better, you'll be moving again!) and being active is the most important part of resetting that "body thermostat"; you're getting your life back on track, & doing all kinds of positive things!

And congrats on 291 days of freedom!
post #560 of 822
Food is emotion for many people - we eat to feel "happy" to cover up feeling "sad", eat to stifle "anger" or "frustration".

I know you just started your journal again - have you started to explore or jot down how you are feeling when you feel the need to overeat? Trying to make that connection and finding alternatives helps (like walking, calling a friend, journalling the feelings to get them out of you)

My therapist made me do that when I was battling bulimia and it was ugh even to this day I still battle with those demons everyone once in a while - mostly during stressful times, but it helps and everyday it gets easier, not easy-breezy, but easier as it becomes habit.
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