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Baby steps for a better life.. - Page 34

post #661 of 822
Thread Starter 
So I started taking the classes to keep my teaching license active. The first one is very challenging so far. Wish me luck!

My personal life is going well.

I plan to take a leap and try to find a good paying teaching job- one in my actual field- next year. Even if I have to move out of state. The world is my oyster now. I plan to grab my opportunities.
post #662 of 822
Wishing you luck! You have come so far!
post #663 of 822
You are awesome and I am so happy for you!
post #664 of 822
Thread Starter 
So my blood pressure is high.

I am having to take it every day to keep track.

I need to get some weight off of me. The nurse at work told me that they have a cheaper weight watcher meeting there at 11 AM on Tuesdays. She told me to ask my boss if I could go. I figured she would say no. But I mentioned it to my co-teacher, who has worked there a lot longer than me and knows our boss much better, and she said it would be fine with her for me to do that once a week. It truly only effects her, anyway, as she would be the one doing that much more work while I was gone.

So she mentioned it to our boss and I am allowed to do it. That will save me some money.

I have been writing down everything that I eat and tracking it.

I am also exercising.

Baby steps, I guess.

I have already lost some weight but I want to lose more.

I regret that our OA meeting no longer fits in to my schedule. I have my online class that evening and I can't get out of that.

I really just want to be healthier. I deserve it.

I have a male friend who is just truly wonderful to me and treats me like a Princess and I am trying to decide how I feel about that right now. It is all very different for me. Being treated nicely by a man- that feels weird to me. I wish it didn't feel weird, though! I mean, I know I deserve it, I just don't understand. Maybe because STBX told me he loved me maybe once a year.
post #665 of 822
I'm sorry you BP is up. But YAY for getting to go to the WW class. I'm sure that will help to be in a supportive environment and hopefully you can make some friends to help keep you accountable as well. You know, in a good supportive way.

And yay for a man treating you well. You deserve that too. Just be careful, be sure that he is who he is showing you right now. Sorry for the words of warning, it has more to do with my phobia of men right now more than anything.
post #666 of 822
Thread Starter 

Monday, September 13th

So this is what I plan to eat tomorrow:
Breakfast
3/4ths of a cup of Special K Vanilla Almond
one container of Activia yogurt- I mix them
One banana

Lunch
6 oz of baked chicken
one cup of broccoli casserole- I have no idea what this is going to look like, they are trying something new for lunch
one cup of whatever fruit we have

Dinner
6 oz baked chicken- yes, I know, I did not plan well and am having the same thing twice.
1.5 cup of wild rice
one cup of veggies
post #667 of 822
Thread Starter 

Financial Update

So I only have $2100 left of bills. I had double that at this time last year, if not more than that. So, yeah, I am a rock star. Just saying.
post #668 of 822
I just wanted to say you are my inspiration. I am taking way more subbing jobs this year and I put my horrible student teaching experience behind me. I am going to retest for the state certification as soon as I have $$ (hopefully this fall). I passed the 2nd-dary ed but just missed the area of expertise last spring - go figure
I am on the look out for friends...I may even join the local dog club - we got a new dog over the summer..

If bunnyflakes can do it... I can do it

Congrats on the debt pay down... it feels soooo good huh
post #669 of 822
I know I'm chiming in late, but I just saw this thread and want to say that you are an AMAZING woman! You deserve the very best and it's wonderful that you're actively seeking the life you deserve. I wish you all happiness~~
post #670 of 822
Thread Starter 
I have one more week to be married to my husband.

One more freaking week, and it is over.

Praise God, for that.

I have decided that the worst thing that I can do to him, is to live a good life. A happy life. So starting tomorrow I plan to try to make that happen. I will try to dress better and eat better and just overall be better. And I truly hope that I can live my life in a way that makes it worth saving. Because I did save my life, when I left him. I saved my own life.
post #671 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunnyflakes View Post
I have decided that the worst thing that I can do to him, is to live a good life. A happy life. So starting tomorrow I plan to try to make that happen. I will try to dress better and eat better and just overall be better. And I truly hope that I can live my life in a way that makes it worth saving. Because I did save my life, when I left him. I saved my own life.
I LOVE THIS!!!
post #672 of 822
Yay, Bunnyflakes!!! We're rooting for you!!!
post #673 of 822
You are awesome and continue to inspire me every single day!!!
post #674 of 822
Thread Starter 
Tomorrow is my 5 year wedding anniversary. I am so very sad. The pain is more intense than I expected. I feel like I failed. I failed at being a wife. He was so mean to me. I just wanted what everybody else had. I wanted a family with someone who loved me. I wanted to have a cute little house and to cook dinner for the extended families. I wanted Christmas to be special and to have friends over. I just wanted a little piece of a normal, good life.

Instead my parents banned him from their house because he destroyed their living room furniture in a rage. I had no friends because he was so rude to them that no one wanted to talk to me. My body wasn't functioning at a normal level so I never got pregnant- not that I wanted him to be anywhere near me anyway, I didn't.

I ate my pain. I stuffed it in and I gained over 200 pounds. I abused my body and it was all a slow suicide. I learned that crying could be bad for me and that I was never, ever going to be good enough.

I just have such intense sadness right now. What the hell was I thinking five years ago tonight? Why did I not believe that I deserved better than what I had? I did. I do.

Why am I crying? I don't understand.
post #675 of 822
Hugs...
post #676 of 822
Thread Starter 
So today started off sad. But it got better as the day went on. I had a nice lunch. Got tons of hugs from my students.

My coteacher had to leave early, so we had to have the kids rest earlier than usual. I put on my favorite calming music and just relaxed while my students slept.

Then my friend and I went to dinner to celebrate this being my day now. It was overall a fabulous day of healing.
post #677 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunnyflakes View Post
Then my friend and I went to dinner to celebrate this being my day now. It was overall a fabulous day of healing.
post #678 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunnyflakes View Post
Then my friend and I went to dinner to celebrate this being my day now. It was overall a fabulous day of healing.
I'm glad you are reclaiming this day for you! aj8y7t
post #679 of 822
So, I just read through this whole thread from start to finish in one sitting. And I wanted to tell you that you are inspiring. My life is good, I have it good, and your posts have helped me appreciate that even more, but even more importantly, you have made me really FEEL that it's up to me to make the improvements that I want in my life. I already realized that, but your story has helped me internalize it that much more. So thank you. I am grateful to you for giving yourself this gift of freedom, and grateful to you for sharing it with so many people who can use the inspiration, no matter where they're at in life. You are doing a fantastic job, and it sounds like things are on a definite upward trajectory for you. I hope that when you're ready you do get to have that wonderful feeling of falling in love . . . and then the even more satisfying feeling of maintaining a strong, loving relationship through the normal relationship difficulties . . . the feeling of safety and stability and empowerment of working together with someone as partners in the story of your lives entwined. Not that you have to have that to be whole, or fulfilled, or anything, but it sounds like you want that, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, so it's the best thing I can wish for someone else who deserves good things!
post #680 of 822
Thread Starter 
I have to be more mindful of my posts here. Perhaps I should update daily. I don't want everyone to think that I only have extreme highs and lows.

The closer I get to the divorce on Wednesday, the worse I get. I am on anti anxiety medicine to get me through to that day. I made so many positive steps over this past year, but the last month has been hell. I cry all the time over stupid things. I feel like I can't be alone, which is hard because I don't have that many friends. Right now I am crying because I don't understand my homework. I shouldn't have waited until the last minute to do it, but I have to drug myself to get through a day so all I wanted to do yesterday was lie in bed.

The main feeling I have is sadness. I am so sad right now. I was so happy this past year, happy despite some shitty circumstances. The happiness was still there. But for the past three weeks or so, I have felt horrible. I want it all to be over. Please, God, I have only three more days to suffer through until I can go and make it over.
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