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Baby steps for a better life.. - Page 37

post #721 of 822
big orange grin smiley is now working.
post #722 of 822
Jaime! That is wonderful progress I am so happy that you are finding the right people to support you in your long term goals. You are totally worth it!

And good luck finding a new creative outlet. Just get out there and explore and have fun doing so.
post #723 of 822
Thread Starter 
This has been a truly craptastic weekend.

On Saturday I fell in a parking lot, twisted my ankle and hurt my wrists breaking my fall. I also scraped up my left knee and I have an awesome bruise on my right leg.

I woke up today and it still hurt. Eventually I decided to go get it check out, just to be safe, but I was in tears over whether I could afford to go to the doctor or not. One day, I will be in a financial position where I wont agonize over going to the doctor when I am injured or sick. Mark my words, that will happen for me one day! But today, I cried over it.

They took seven xrays total. I wonder how little my insurance will pay towards that? Nothing is fractured, just badly bruised.

I spent eight hours, yes, eight hours working on my homework assignment today. I saved it after each line of data- literally, saved after each LINE.

When I went to convert it to rich text form, something went horribly wrong. I lost it. I opened every single document searching for it. I still have no idea what went wrong. But it was gone.

So here I am, four hours before the assignment is due, my wrists throbbing from the pain, sobbing.

I mean, really? Sometimes I wonder what I do wrong that the Universe must constantly take a dump on me. I am sorry to be dramatic, and I realize that my problems are small compared to other people, but today it just felt like I couldn't win at all.

Luckily I remembered a good bit of it so re-doing it didn't make me miss the deadline. I am very thankful for that.

I did call my boss though, to let her know that I might not be there tomorrow. I am in a lot of pain. She was not happy about it, so I am going to go in anyway. I can't afford to lose my job right now. I am praying that the pain subsides by the morning. Or else it will be a long day.

I worry that I am a little depressed at the moment. It seems like the littlest things overwhelm me and make me upset. I blame my divorce in 12 days for that, though.
post #724 of 822
That all sounds awful, but on the good side, you did remember most of your report.

Being sensitive is not a bad thing, if it weren't for sensitive people like you and I, the world would be a much colder place.
post #725 of 822
Thread Starter 
Well, I went to see my old therapist today. He will be replaced soon by new therapist.

He does not think that I am depressed, he thinks that the stress surrounding the divorce is getting to me. He gave me some tip on how to deal with my Mom and my difficult coworker.

Then I went to my wellness counselor. She talked to me about how to make small changes to improve my health. I am to come up with a main list of why I want to be healthy. Also she helped me make small goals, and if I reach them of a week, I can put $1 in to my jar. That money will go for something fun that I want. Currently I am torn between an Ed Hardy watch and a Kindle.

Tomorrow is going to be a great, healthy day for me.
post #726 of 822
Thread Starter 
PMS has hit me like a mack truck. I feel totally vile today. For starters, I am totally exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for a week- in fact I am heading to bed shortly after typing this.

Secondly, I am emotional. I feel lonely. It is probably stupid, but my assistant teacher was out today and I feel like I miss her. I know, ridiculous. I just feel lonely and sad today. Plus it rained. So my students were stuck inside. I feel like my routine was out of sorts. I feel like I just need a good hug or something.

I always get bad PMS and feel weepy. Kind of like I could sit down on the floor and have myself a good cry.

I am off for a shower and some sleep. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.
post #727 of 822
Thread Starter 
Well I should be divorced by Friday afternoon. I am looking for suggestions on what I can do for myself afterwards.

I want to do something nice, but I truly have no idea what I want to do. Any ideas?
post #728 of 822
Happy about your therapist, sorry about PMS, and no idea what you should do to celebrate. Have you been to a great movie in awhile? Oh, wait, that's what *I'd* like to do. LOL!
post #729 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus View Post
Well I should be divorced by Friday afternoon. I am looking for suggestions on what I can do for myself afterwards.

I want to do something nice, but I truly have no idea what I want to do. Any ideas?
cappuccino! and congrats
post #730 of 822
Thread Starter 
My therapist made me go to the movies this past week My assignment was to do something fun, so I went to not one, but two movies. Neither of them were that great, but it was nice to do something for myself. It has been so long!

I can't really think of anything I want to do. Maybe I will just have dinner out some place nice by myself. I need more friends. I have a couple now, but they don't live in the town I live in, so I usually only see them on work days.

I had to come home early today sick with a migraine. I feel a lot better now but man, was this morning rough.

I have therapy tomorrow. Then we are off Thursday for the holiday and I am off Friday for my divorce. Ugh. They told me it should only take 15 minutes. Because we have no children and no property, etc. Hopefully it wont be canceled again this time!
post #731 of 822
Man. I need a therapist! LOL! I am praying it's not canceled. You walk in there like you've found the new love of your life... which you have... it's YOU.
post #732 of 822

I'd go get a haircut, or manicure/pedicure, or a massage.

post #733 of 822
Thread Starter 

I am very thankful that today is a holiday and that I did not have to go work.

 

I have cried three times already today.

 

Tomorrow is supposed to be my divorce hearing.  Admittedly I have been having nightmares that they will cancel it again.

 

I had dreams.  I had a lot of dreams.  This is not how my life was supposed to work out.  I was not supposed to be 32 years old, living in my parent's attic crippled by fear. 

 

My husband is a horrible man.  He called me names all the time.  He threw things at me.  He has slapped me, kicked me, punched me, abandoned me with no ride home at various locations.  He destroyed my parent's living room furniture in a rage.  He destroyed personal items that were important to me.  He caused every friend that I ever had to stop talking to me.  And he was never, ever sorry for what he did.  He told me it was my fault that he did those things to me.

 

I wonder what on earth I did to deserve that treatment?  I wonder if maybe I am a bad person, and that I did cause those things to happen to me.  I feel so weak.  I always thought that I had to be strong, right?  I had to be strong in order to leave him.  But now I feel so broke and weak.  I have poured hundreds of dollars in to therapy, with more than one therapist, even.  I have taken medication.  I have tried to get better, but it is always in my head.  Why was I not good enough for him?

 

I fear, right now, that I am making the wrong choice.  That maybe he was the only chance that I had and that maybe I should go home.  That has to be sick, right?  That is sickness. 

 

And I know logically that if I am alone forever, it has to be better than what he put me through on a daily basis.

 

And I eat, all the time, I eat.  Because it numbs the pain.  It is the only thing that has kept me alive for the past 9 years.  Tomorrow it should be over and maybe I can rebuild my life.

 

I have this very intense need to be held, and to be told that everything will be alright.  I have no one to do that for me, though.  I feel like I have done this all on my own.  I called 911 on my own, I saved the money for divorce on my own, I filed on my own, I have dealt with the horrible emotional turmoil on my own and I will get divorced on my own.  People think that I am strong, but it is such a joke.  I am as weak as anyone else is. 

 

I just wish that I could stop crying.  I do not know what else to do with myself. 

 

What happens tomorrow when I see him?  Will I be paralyzed with fear when I saw him in court last year?  Will I cry through the whole thing?  Will I look pathetic?  I have gained a lot of weight since I left him and I feel so pathetic.  Like my life is not going forward like it should.  I feel like I am stuck in the same place that I was.

 

This is horrible for me.  I wish I had more friends.

post #734 of 822

((((HUGS))))) I am sorry there ids no one there to lean on right now.

 

  I feel like I have done this all on my own.  I called 911 on my own, I saved the money for divorce on my own, I filed on my own, I have dealt with the horrible emotional turmoil on my own and I will get divorced on my own.  People think that I am strong, but it is such a joke.  I am as weak as anyone else is.

And you are so brave and courageous. You did all of this in spite of your fear, and that takes incredible courage. I hope that some day you can honor yourself for that.

 

Hang in there the next few days. This is such a huge step, and such an emotionally exhausting one. But soon it will be over.

 

(((MORE HUGS)))

post #735 of 822

I am so sorry you are having a down day.  Please know that you are strong, and that none of that was your fault.  

 

As I was reading your post, two things came into my head and I just thought I'd share them with you.  The first is flower essences.  Have you ever used those?  There's a thread here about them, if you do a search.  Panserbjorne does custom flower essence blends if you want someone to pick a blend for you, or you can also just look at that thread and see what speaks to you.  They can be very supportive.

 

The second thing that I thought of, is have you ever considered talking to a life coach?  I used a life coach for a while and it was the greatest help.  It was nothing like counseling.  Instead of focusing on the negative things that have happened in the past, it totally was a proactive approach.  Like, where do I want to be, how can I get there, what do I need to do.  It was very action oriented.  I am not saying that counseling and examining patterns in the past isn't helpful, just saying that for me, the life coach helped me see a very different perspective on things, helped me come up with short and long term goals, helped me clarify what I wanted and where I was going.  She was great.  If you want her email, PM me.

 

If neither of those suggestions are helpful, feel free to ignore, they just popped out at me as I read your post and I felt compelled to share with you.

 

I will be thinking of you and sending you positive energy!  

post #736 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus View Post

I am very thankful that today is a holiday and that I did not have to go work.

 

I have cried three times already today.

 

Tomorrow is supposed to be my divorce hearing.  Admittedly I have been having nightmares that they will cancel it again.

 

I had dreams.  I had a lot of dreams.  This is not how my life was supposed to work out.  I was not supposed to be 32 years old, living in my parent's attic crippled by fear. 

 

My husband is a horrible man.  He called me names all the time.  He threw things at me.  He has slapped me, kicked me, punched me, abandoned me with no ride home at various locations.  He destroyed my parent's living room furniture in a rage.  He destroyed personal items that were important to me.  He caused every friend that I ever had to stop talking to me.  And he was never, ever sorry for what he did.  He told me it was my fault that he did those things to me.

 

I wonder what on earth I did to deserve that treatment?  I wonder if maybe I am a bad person, and that I did cause those things to happen to me.  I feel so weak.  I always thought that I had to be strong, right?  I had to be strong in order to leave him.  But now I feel so broke and weak.  I have poured hundreds of dollars in to therapy, with more than one therapist, even.  I have taken medication.  I have tried to get better, but it is always in my head.  Why was I not good enough for him?

 

I fear, right now, that I am making the wrong choice.  That maybe he was the only chance that I had and that maybe I should go home.  That has to be sick, right?  That is sickness. 

 

And I know logically that if I am alone forever, it has to be better than what he put me through on a daily basis.

 

And I eat, all the time, I eat.  Because it numbs the pain.  It is the only thing that has kept me alive for the past 9 years.  Tomorrow it should be over and maybe I can rebuild my life.

 

I have this very intense need to be held, and to be told that everything will be alright.  I have no one to do that for me, though.  I feel like I have done this all on my own.  I called 911 on my own, I saved the money for divorce on my own, I filed on my own, I have dealt with the horrible emotional turmoil on my own and I will get divorced on my own.  People think that I am strong, but it is such a joke.  I am as weak as anyone else is. 

 

I just wish that I could stop crying.  I do not know what else to do with myself. 

 

What happens tomorrow when I see him?  Will I be paralyzed with fear when I saw him in court last year?  Will I cry through the whole thing?  Will I look pathetic?  I have gained a lot of weight since I left him and I feel so pathetic.  Like my life is not going forward like it should.  I feel like I am stuck in the same place that I was.

 

This is horrible for me.  I wish I had more friends.



I have so much to say and to give you a hug.gif  You are a strong person, and you have faced more evil in one lifetime than many of us will ever face in many lifetimes. You have risen above it and did not let it own you or destroy you. 

 

You will be alright, you will be better than alright, you will survive and blossom which is the one thing your sbx did not ever want to happen.  He has no power over you and never will again.  Hold your head high, and embrace all your accomplishments, because they are amazing and they are yours to relish.  love.gif

post #737 of 822

I wish I could give you a real hug and tell you you will be alright. But here's a virtual one: 

 

I know that you know you are worth so much more than what he gave you. You are just having a rough patch. You have been looking forward to and dreading tomorrow, I know. It will end, tomorrow. You will move on and really be free. 

You are doing so well- don't start belittling all the steps you have made to change and move on. You WILL get there. You are going as fast as you can. Deal with tomorrow and go from there.

Many hugs. 

It will be alright. 

post #738 of 822
Thread Starter 

It's done.  Let the healing begin.

post #739 of 822

 

I'm so glad it went OK. It did, yes?

 

post #740 of 822

I'm so happy for you that the divorce is over.  *hugs*

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