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Baby steps for a better life.. - Page 38

post #741 of 822
Thread Starter 

Well I got there first.  I looked gorgeous, by the way.  Just saying.  I specifically wanted to look as good as possible.  He looked like crap.  Like he had been chewed up and spit out.  I mean, really, he looked terrible.

 

That made me feel better about myself.

 

Anyway, so we go in and they wont let my Dad come with me, which I expected because my order of protection was up in October.  He didn't give me a reason to renew it, as he didn't break it, so I went in by myself. 

 

We went in and sat at a table.  The judge's office was smaller than my parent's bedroom, so it was cramped.  I did not have to sit next to him though, thankfully.  The court officer was there behind me.  I was happy because I think my ex is half crocked in the head and you never know what he will do.  So that made me feel better.

 

The main reason I haven't moved is because they make you say your information outloud in there,  I knew this from when I worked at the domestic violence shelter.  I did not want him to know any potential new address, so now that this is over, maybe I can finally move!

Anyway, they almost did not grant the divorce because one box did not get checked.  The reason the box did not get checked was because the paper works says NOT to check the box, so I pointed that out to the judge.  I mean, really, they should not have a huge mistake like that on the paperwork, IMO.

 

However, because we both agreed on the date of separation, and that has been over one year, she was able to grant the divorce based on that.

 

She asked me about property.  We had already agreed on the division of things.  They asked me about my medical bills and I was able to say that I have paid them off in FULL thankyouverymuch. orngbiggrin.gif

 

I kind of got the impression from his lawyer that he was actually more sympathetic to me than towards my ex.  I think people generally look down on those who punch their half blind wives.  Anyway...

 

So she asked me if he was working and I told her I didn't know.  I don't think he is, but I can't 100% sure.  I think she was testing me to see if I had really been spending time with him.  I have not seen him since we went to court last October for the assault.  She asked about his retirement and I told her that he used it to pay off our credit card and I agreed that that was fair.

 

He actually did have a little bit leftover from that, but whatever. 

 

I just want my freedom.

 

I was granted that and my old last name back.  We have no kids, I did not need that constant reminder.

 

So, she said that I will get a decree in the mail and if I have an issue with it, I have five days to let her office know.  If I don't have any issue with it, she will sign it after 5 days and I will get the final decree in the mail.

 

Then I left, my Dad and I decided to walk down the stairs because I did not wish to be in the elevator with him.  He yelled down the stairs for me about binoculars.  I have no idea where the smilies are in this new format, but insert the eye rolling smiley here.  My Dad had given me an expensive set of binoculars and I did not know if I packed them or left them.  Ex said he couldn't find them.  So I look up the stairs and here he is hanging over the side of the railing.  I was like "If you say you don't have them, I believe you."  and I walked away.

 

I really wish to never see him again.

 

I am changing my phone number in December, when I get my new phone and phone plan.

 

As soon as I get the final decree in the mail, and know that I wont be obligated to provide my address to anyone anymore, then I will begin to look in to getting a real job that pays real money, even if it is out of state.

 

I will no longer allow the fear to hold me down.  I will move on with my life.  I will thrive.  I will live up to the potential that I know that I have.  I will do it on my own, too, because I have my best interests at heart.

post #742 of 822
Thread Starter 

So I don't usually brag about my test scores or my GPA.  I am working outside of my field right now because my ex husband always wanted me to be tied to him, dependent on him for money.  As long as I couldn't get a real teaching job, he would always make the most money, and I would always feel like I needed to rely on him.

 

I was not a great student my first year of college, mainly because my Mother enrolled me and I didn't want to go to that college.  However, I had a 4.0 at the end.  When I took my teaching license test, I scored in the top 15% over a five year period of time nationwide.  I got a special certificate and everyone in the teaching program hated me. 

 

So why am I not teaching, you ask?

Well, mainly because my ex husband made me feel stupid.  He called me an idiot every day.  When there weren't any teaching jobs here locally, and I asked if we could think about moving one state over, he refused.  So I am stuck here, working outside of my field making $10 an hour, having huge sums sucked out of my paycheck like a hoover to cover medical insurance, that barely even pays for anything anyway!  I also have no retirement.  I have no future.

 

I live in my parent's attic because math is math, and I simply do not earn enough to live on my own.

 

So that has to change.  I have to look in to other states.  I have to find a state that needs teachers, find an area that I can move to.  It isn't like I have anything keeping me here.  I don't even have any friends here.

 

So I have to undo years worth of people thinking that I am stupid.  It is not just my ex who treated me that way, my parents often treat me like I am incompetent.

 

I am not, though.  I am neither stupid nor incompetent.  I have the portfolio to prove it.  I will look at it every day if I have to.

 

So, anyone have any suggestions on places to live?  The world is my oyster, and I plan to thrive in it!

post #743 of 822

I just finished reading your post, and I want to say congratulations, congratulations, congratulations!!!!

 

I'm so very happy for you and so proud! You totally have it all together and are going places!!!

post #744 of 822

 

Quote:
I fear, right now, that I am making the wrong choice. That maybe he was the only chance that I had and that maybe I should go home. That has to be sick, right? That is sickness.
 

 

Oh hon.  I know. You had a dream, and it is hard to give up on a dream. It is not sick, it is human nature to be optimistic. It will pass. You will find a new dream. Let's all imagine your new future in five years... your awesome future.

 FWIW... I was living at my mom's at 32 while my husband was in basic training. It SUCKED. And I have two kids, and was separated from him, went back to try again, what a disaster. He was a mistake. At least I got my kids. As for you... at least you are still free to start a family without all that. So... reading your other two posts, YOU ARE FREE, HONEY!


Where to live, where to live. Hm. I'm from Washington and I love it but it's gray. If you are even somewhat prone to SAD, it's not a good choice. On the plus side, even the minimum wage is liveable. Our poverty rate is almost equal to the unemployment rate, so if you are working, you are probably managing. What do you teach?
post #745 of 822

what kind of teacher are you?  I'd recommend looking into areas that are low COL, first...

 

Maybe check in over on the frugality and finance board or the working mamas board and see if anyone over there has good suggestions for great places to live that also needs teachers?

post #746 of 822

I personally would NOT look into low COL areas.  You can get trapped there, because salaries are so low it's hard to save up to move.  The people there are poor.  The OP wants to build a future in this place, so she should choose her dream area and make it happen.  Though I would stay away from New York, Orange County, San Fransisco and the like, I would also look at long-term quality of life and health.

 

For example, I read that Arizona needs teachers.  I dunno.  I'm not a teacher.

post #747 of 822

LOL... I guess maybe my area is different?  It's not overwhelminly poor, but is very low col.  Dh makes a good living under higher COL standards, so we're paying our house off in 15 years.  Teachers around here live quite well. shrug.gif

post #748 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post

LOL... I guess maybe my area is different?  It's not overwhelminly poor, but is very low col.  Dh makes a good living under higher COL standards, so we're paying our house off in 15 years.  Teachers around here live quite well. shrug.gif



i live in texas, and consider it pretty low COL-- but there are lots of jobs etc, it seems like.

post #749 of 822

joy.gifjoy.gifjoy.gif WOOHOO Happy Freedom Day!!

 

I lived in WI, MN, WA (Seattle) and now I'm back in WI.  I love WI - snowy winters, pretty ok salaries and a lovely area with nice people.  I also love Seattle too, and honestly I will be moving back out there sooner than later hopefully.  Its where my soul lives, and it is an amazing place. The mountains, the trees, the coast... and the people are nice too!

post #750 of 822

Well, presumably on average it's harder to find a job in a low COL area, but of course you could buck the trend.  If teachers are living well there, sounds good!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post

LOL... I guess maybe my area is different?  It's not overwhelminly poor, but is very low col.  Dh makes a good living under higher COL standards, so we're paying our house off in 15 years.  Teachers around here live quite well. shrug.gif

post #751 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post

I just finished reading your post, and I want to say congratulations, congratulations, congratulations!!!!

 

I'm so very happy for you and so proud! You totally have it all together and are going places!!!


I agree!!!!!!!!! Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

post #752 of 822
Thread Starter 

I have always wanted to live in Washington State.  It was always my first choice, ironically enough.  That is very far from West Virginia, but I know people who have lived there and it was always described as being so beautiful.  I wonder how the teaching market is there?  I might have to do some research.  :D

post #753 of 822

I commend you for your efforts!  Keep on keeping on....  I am grateful you are able to ward off others comments.  It is still hard to hear when you are trying to change. 

 

My highest weight was 296lbs.  I was heavy my whole life.  I have lost a total of 148lbs and have kept it off for 7 years.  It can be done.  The breaking point for me was a total emotional breakthrough from my childhood and there was no looking back.  The weight just started to shed off.  I didn't work out in a gym, I just walked and walked and walked and found I was celiacs... rid of gluten and all processed foods. 

 

It is fantastic that you are writing about your journey.  Sometimes it is easier to figure things out in the mind that way. 

 

I send positive energy your way!

 

Oh...  and Washington State.... I am a native and left for a year to live in OR, came right back!!!

post #754 of 822

Also, Spokane, WA. is lovely and has a much lower COL than Seattle.

 

post #755 of 822

Spokane is gorgeous, and it also has more sun!

post #756 of 822
Thread Starter 

So my therapist tells me that I need to go out for dinner and have a celebration for my divorce.  In honor of making the best decision of my life.  Well, I have no friends.  I have been turned down by like, 8 people.

 

That is just making me feel 20 times worse :(

post #757 of 822

This is what I used to do on my lunch hour (when I worked) and it was shockingly soothing.

 

1. find a good book... no, I mean one that you love.  Maybe you've read it 100 times, maybe it's the first time.  One that you can't stop reading.

 

2. Find a restaurant that has awesome food that you love.

 

3.  go to said restaurant and read said book and eat yummy food.

 

*shrug*  I know a lot of people hate eating alone at a restaurant, but after a while I found it surprisingly pleasant.  Definitely start with a book you can't stop reading, though...

 

((hugs))  You are worth going out to a restaurant... with or without company. 

 

You just made the best decision of your life!  Really, that is something awesome to celebrate!  Order wine.  Enjoy the book!  Enjoy the food!  Enjoy life!!

 

Eta... I don't know what kind of books you like, but I'm really loving "Eat, Pray, Love"... and she goes through a divorce in the beginning and the whole book is about healing her soul and finding pleasure and G-d and balance... not entirely unsuitable to your situation.  And she's funny.  Might be worth it, if you like that kind of book...

post #758 of 822

Jamie, you will make friends. I would imagine it was hard to maintain friendships while living with your ex in an abusive relationship. 

Please don't feel bad about yourself- you seem like a great person- and like you would be a great friend.

And I agree, celebrate with a nice dinner and a great book. That's one of my favorite things to do! Eat alone and reading, ahhhhhh, decadence!

HUGS!

post #759 of 822
Thread Starter 

Jenna, I did read "Eat, Pray, Love" but it didn't do much for me.  I wanted it to, though, but I did not get in to it like a lot of people did.

 

The main issue is that my lunch hour is actually at 1:30, so I normally eat lunch with my students.  I do think that tomorrow I will take your advice, go to Starbucks with a book and order a hot chocolate.  I wish I liked coffee sometimes.  lol.gif

 

Today, admittedly, I spent my entire hour break in my car, listening to sad music, crying.  Horrible.

 

Today was a bad day, for me. 

 

I feel kind of grouchy that none of the people who claim to by my friends can take an hour out of their lives to sit with me at a restaurant.  Really?  It made me very angry. 

 

Mouso, yes, it was hard to have friends while married.  I would meet someone I liked, then spend time with them.  Eventually it would come to where they would meet my husband.  I would spend the week before begging him to be nice to them.  It was pathetic.  And he wouldn't be nice to them.  They would drop out of my life dramatically.  I would go to great lengths to keep them from meeting him.

 

 

I do enjoy my own company, and I don't have any issues eating out alone.  I have done it so many times before.  My Saturday tradition now is lunch and a movie solo. 

 

It is hard to make friends.  I am trying, though.  I feel like I don't understand some social cues.  I often feel like I can't understand what people are saying to me.  It is hard to explain.

post #760 of 822
Thread Starter 

Now I am off to pick a book to take with me.  Most of my books are in storage, but I have treated myself to several new books lately.  I fear that I will have a huge collection here at my parent's house when I move off on my own again!  LOL

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