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Baby steps for a better life.. - Page 41

post #801 of 822

I know that if I eat well (fruits, veggies, whole grains, stop drinking sodas, very few sweets), get enough sleep, and am not stressed, I don't get sick. One of these things won't make me sick, but all three together will eventually result in a breakdown of health (for me). Exercise is good because it keeps the lymph flowing and I, personally, think it helps the circulation even if "all" you're doing is walking.

post #802 of 822
Thread Starter 

Wow it is a new year!  I am starting off well.  Finally divorced and looking forward to realizing my potential.

 

It occurs to me that I am 100% responsible for myself.  I have to handle my medical insurance, my retirement, my future.  I no longer have a husband to contribute financially.

 

That kind of freaked me out the other day when I realized that.  lol.gif

 

I think I might re-open my blog tonight.  I had a lot of readers but I let it get away from me.

 

I agree that when I eat poorly, I feel crummy.  Tomorrow I am shopping for raw, fresh veggies to take with my lunches.  Yummy.

post #803 of 822
Thread Starter 

I am in a mood.  irked.gif  Major brownie points to anyone who reads this and replies.

 

So I can't stand my therapist.  I had to find a new therapist because my old one was not covered by my insurance anymore and I couldn't afford the $80 a week to go.  At first I liked new therapist.  Now I don't.

She makes me feel worse about myself than I already do, which is a trick, I have to tell you.  I feel like I have to censor what I say to her or else I will feel ilke a loser.

 

I used to go to the gym zero times a week.  Then I started going two to three times a week.  This was not good enough for her.  She said that unless I was going FIVE times a week, it didn't count.  eyesroll.gif

 

Let's take in to consideration that:

1.  I have back pain so severe that it literally takes my BREATH away and that I will cry and beg for God to just take me, because dying has to be better than that horrific pain.  I go to the chiropractor THREE times a week for this.  That is $90 a week, $360 a MONTH, just to control my agonizing back pain. 

2.  I have a knee injury from an accident I had 11 years ago that occasionally has me limping around all day in pain- about one to two days a week.

3.  Did I mention that I used to go to the gym ZERO times a week?  So isn't two or three times a week better than ZERO times a week?

She told me to hire a personal trainer and see them three times a week.

 

So let's do the math here...

Chiropractor $360 a month.

Therapist who makes me feel like crap: $120 a month.

Personal traininer three times a week: $480 a month.

 

Did I mention that I was a teacher, and adding that all up, that is like, 80% (no kidding) of my MONTHLY PAY!

 

Yeah.  I still have to drive a car, I still have to pay for gas, I still have to buy food to eat, etc, etc.

 

I am so over it.  I can not bare the thought of going there again.  I have canceled the last three appointments with her.  I guess I am back to trying to find another one covered by my insurance.

 

In the last six days I have spun out on the interstate hitting black ice twice.  Last thursday I did a total 180 turn and ended up facing oncoming traffic.  Thank God they stopped.  Today I did about a 90 degree turn and saw a semi truck barely swerve to miss hitting me.  Scared the crap out of me.  I can't describe the fear to do it justice.  I just can't.  But it occurs to me that I don't really have anyone to call when something bad happens, so I am bitter about that.  I also can't shake the fact that I am destined to die in my car on the interstate.  I might need therapy for this, no joke, that is how shaken up and freaked out I am becoming.

 

And tonight I was talking to someone who is supposed to be my friend, sharing one of the pleasant memories I have of my ex husband- yes I know he was horrible, but there are a few nice things he did for me in the nine years.  I mentioned how he had taken a class in silk flower making once in high school, and he had made me one dozen silk roses for Valentine's Day one year.  Said friend started making comments about how that was a feminine thing to do and men shouldn't make silk flowers, etc, etc, etc.  eyesroll.gif  I do not ever speak badly about my ex husband to people, even though no one would blame me if I did.  But I did pick him to spend my life with, so someone suggesting that he might be gay or that there is something wrong with him because he learned how to make silk flowers *Seriously???  A lot of men are florists, good grief!!!* is not a way to get on my good side.  They basically trashed one of the pleasant memories that I had.  I will be more careful of what I share in the future.

 

Rant over.  Thanks for listening.

post #804 of 822

You do not need to provide reasons for why your therapist isn't good for you, although your reasons are perfectly valid. You definitely don't need one who doesn't give credit for all the improvements you have made thus far. 

 

Black ice, yeah, that's scary, I've had that happen and I'm extra cautious and anxious when driving. 

 

The friend thing sounds irritating, too, I can't stand people who suggest there is any truth to negative stereotyping or in any way indicate they might in fact be a bigot.

post #805 of 822

That therapist does not sound like a good fit, to say the least. Maybe she thinks she is motivating? Other than that the only other thing I can think of is that she's a censored.gif .

I'm glad you are finding a new therapist as one should definitely not be making you feel BAD!

 

As for the driving, that's scary! be careful.

 

Many hugs. I'm sorry things are so rough. grouphug.gif

post #806 of 822

I remember counseling with someone and mentioning the little things I was doing to improve the property I was on. That wasn't good enough for them and they let me know it. I shut down and never told them what I was trying to do to improve my life. I knew that if what I was doing on the land wasn't good enough, the little bit I was trying to do with me wouldn't be, so I do know what that feels like. I had a lot of resentment about that, but I'm pretty much out of that space now. (I had just gotten divorced from an emotionally abusive man. I was not functioning very well. My mother had died a year or two before so I had no one to talk to. On the up side, when she died, I moved into her trailer, thus taking the first step in separating myself from the man I finally got brave enough to divorce later.)

 

The fact that you can hold down a job says a lot about you in my book. You are doing a lot more than I felt capable of. I felt like I needed space and time to have a nervous breakdown, but had no one to talk to about it. Couldn't trust the person I was expected to trust (like I said).

 

I expect you'll get through it and heal. I see a lot of spunk in you. I see a desire to reach out and to heal. I honestly believe that you'll make the necessary changes in your life for you to feel peaceful and happy. It may take a while. You've had a lot of wounds. But I know you can do it.

post #807 of 822
Thread Starter 

I canceled all of my appointments with her and now I feel great.  It is shocking the relief I feel knowing I never have to go back.

 

Now on Friday, when I have an hour off from work, I can go through the long list and call and try to find a new one.

post #808 of 822
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the supportive replies, ladies!

I have worked since I was 15.  I went to work the day after my ex husband went to jail for domestic violence, mainly because it made me feel better.  It was the only thing that kept me from having a breakdown.  I enjoy my work, though, it might be different if I had a career that I disliked.

 

I have not had regular soda for 31 days.  I have had a crap ton of orange juice, though, to help ween me off of the soda.  Diet soda is beyond gross to me.  I think I have lost weight just from skipping the soda alone!  Yay!

 

However, the urge to drink soda has not left me, like some people say.  Last night, for example, I opened the fridge and saw a can of Coke.  My Dad- thankfully- hides it from me 99% of the time.  Out of sight, out of mine, I always say!  But he must have forgotten.  I was so tempted to drink it.  I didn't- but I really wanted to!

post #809 of 822

Hi.... I've done the dial a shrink until I finally found a 'good' one.  Heck I even stayed with a shrink for almost 5 years until I finally dumped that fool, or was I the fool??  I do best w. male shrinks... would that work for you? 

How scary about the winter driving but I am glad you are safe and no one was hurt.  Kudos on the soda...you are a much stronger woman than I am.

 

Happy 2011!

post #810 of 822
Thread Starter 

The most helpful therapist I has was a male, I wish he was covered by my new plan!

I have an ear infection so i went to the doctor to get it checked.  I have lost TWELVE POUNDS during the time I have been soda free.  faint.gifI have been eating and exercising the exact same, so that 12 pounds was all the lack of soda calories.  I was stunned. 

post #811 of 822

I believe it. Soda is so bad for you, and your teeth. I've been getting healthier myself. I am eating more veggies and protein and less carbs, but still getting a lot of fiber. My doctor put me on Metformin for elevated blood sugar levels and Lisinopril for high blood pressure two months ago. I also started exercising EActive 2 on my PS3 sporadically. I've lost 24 pounds with the change of diet, addition of some exercise, and the metformin making my body utilize rather than store my blood sugars.

post #812 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus View Post

I am in a mood.  irked.gif  Major brownie points to anyone who reads this and replies.

 

So I can't stand my therapist.  I had to find a new therapist because my old one was not covered by my insurance anymore and I couldn't afford the $80 a week to go.  At first I liked new therapist.  Now I don't.

She makes me feel worse about myself than I already do, which is a trick, I have to tell you.  I feel like I have to censor what I say to her or else I will feel ilke a loser.

 

I used to go to the gym zero times a week.  Then I started going two to three times a week.  This was not good enough for her.  She said that unless I was going FIVE times a week, it didn't count.  eyesroll.gif

 

Let's take in to consideration that:

1.  I have back pain so severe that it literally takes my BREATH away and that I will cry and beg for God to just take me, because dying has to be better than that horrific pain.  I go to the chiropractor THREE times a week for this.  That is $90 a week, $360 a MONTH, just to control my agonizing back pain. 

2.  I have a knee injury from an accident I had 11 years ago that occasionally has me limping around all day in pain- about one to two days a week.

3.  Did I mention that I used to go to the gym ZERO times a week?  So isn't two or three times a week better than ZERO times a week?

 

You don't have to justify not liking the therapist, but YES - two or three times a week is better than zero times a week. It's awesome! I'm very impressed. I haven't checked back into this thread in a long time, and it sounds as if you're doing amazingly well at everything. I read ahead and I'm glad you ditched this therapist.

 

 

 

And tonight I was talking to someone who is supposed to be my friend, sharing one of the pleasant memories I have of my ex husband- yes I know he was horrible, but there are a few nice things he did for me in the nine years.  I mentioned how he had taken a class in silk flower making once in high school, and he had made me one dozen silk roses for Valentine's Day one year.  Said friend started making comments about how that was a feminine thing to do and men shouldn't make silk flowers, etc, etc, etc.  eyesroll.gif  I do not ever speak badly about my ex husband to people, even though no one would blame me if I did.  But I did pick him to spend my life with, so someone suggesting that he might be gay or that there is something wrong with him because he learned how to make silk flowers *Seriously???  A lot of men are florists, good grief!!!* is not a way to get on my good side.  They basically trashed one of the pleasant memories that I had.  I will be more careful of what I share in the future.

 

Hmph - don't let them trash it. It's your memory, and you have every right to enjoy your few good memories of living with your ex. Personally, I think that's an awesome thing to do. I'd love to get something that cool. To me, that's just a reminder that even the worst people have some redeeming qualities.

 

Hang in there!

 

Oh - and congrats on the soda thing. I never had a big habit (would have it at a restaurant or if we happened to have some in the house, which rarely happened), but I've stopped drinking it completely. The last time I tried some, it really didn't taste very good.

post #813 of 822


Congrats on the weight loss... Im sure there are some male therapists on the new plan... keep looking!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus View Post

The most helpful therapist I has was a male, I wish he was covered by my new plan!

I have an ear infection so i went to the doctor to get it checked.  I have lost TWELVE POUNDS during the time I have been soda free.  faint.gifI have been eating and exercising the exact same, so that 12 pounds was all the lack of soda calories.  I was stunned. 

post #814 of 822
Thread Starter 

Yes, I am fat.  Yes, I know that I am fat. 

 

I find it funny when people use my weight as a way to insult me.  "You are fat!  You need to lose weight! Join a gym!"

 

I already know I am fat.  I already know that I need to lose weight.  I joined a gym a long time ago, thanks.  eyesroll.gif

 

I don't understand the point of people saying things like that.  Is it to make me feel bad?  Why?  What does it do for you to make me feel bad?  I think the main problem is that I usually DON'T feel bad.  lol.gif

 

I just don't get how pointing out the obvious changes anything?  It is like me getting upset with someone and saying, "You have brown hair!"  Um, yeah?  What is your point?

So today someone told me I was fat.  Really?  How did you ever guess?  orngtongue.gif  I am still funny, probably way smarter than the person who said that, adorable, sexy *according to my current flirt interest*, an awesome teacher and a great person overall.

 

What does weight have to do with anything? 

post #815 of 822

Honey, it's not you. People say things like that to make themselves feel better about themselves. Totally messed up, but true.

And it is a hollow victory because they go back to feeling empty and like they need to put down others more and more often to make themselves feel better. Sorry someone is using you for that. Just know that they are unhappy.

And while that doesn't really make it sting any less sometimes, know that you make yourself feel empowered by doing what you wrote about yourself instead of putting down others: 

 

"I am still funny, probably way smarter than the person who said that, adorable, sexy *according to my current flirt interest*, an awesome teacher and a great person overall."

 

True. And you are kind. And isn't that a better way to feel good about yourself?

Anyway, I have been around people like that and I try to do the above. hug2.gif

post #816 of 822
Thread Starter 

I am in sort of a bad place right now.  I am in a cycle of eating too much again because I think that if I am heavy, it will make men not like me.  Almost like I can't handle the thought of a man being attracted to me.  Does that make any sense to anyone?  I feel like I want to somehow guarentee that I will be alone again.

post #817 of 822

That makes sense - its like a self defense mechanism from keeping yourself from getting hurt again.  *hugs*  Are you still journaling? Is there a way for you to note the behavior when it happens and in a sense recognize it, acknowledge it and do something else?  

 

My therapist made me develop a plan when I was battling bulimia which was like that, and I have to admit it helped to minimize my eating episodes and then work back to the triggers and deal with those. 

post #818 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus View Post

The most helpful therapist I has was a male, I wish he was covered by my new plan!

I have an ear infection so i went to the doctor to get it checked.  I have lost TWELVE POUNDS during the time I have been soda free.  faint.gifI have been eating and exercising the exact same, so that 12 pounds was all the lack of soda calories.  I was stunned. 

Holy cow! That's awesome for you! I've been trying to talk myself into stopping drinking soft drinks, and that's real motivation!
 

 

post #819 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus View Post

I am in sort of a bad place right now.  I am in a cycle of eating too much again because I think that if I am heavy, it will make men not like me.  Almost like I can't handle the thought of a man being attracted to me.  Does that make any sense to anyone?  I feel like I want to somehow guarentee that I will be alone again.


 

hug.gif Your strength shines through in the vulnerability you allow us to see in this thread. 

 

Don't know if this will help you but these principles really helped me.

 

http://www.celebraterecovery.ca/cr/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=51&Itemid=60

post #820 of 822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus View Post

I am in sort of a bad place right now.  I am in a cycle of eating too much again because I think that if I am heavy, it will make men not like me.  Almost like I can't handle the thought of a man being attracted to me.  Does that make any sense to anyone?  I feel like I want to somehow guarentee that I will be alone again.



I get it.  I totally get it.  And something I am needing to learn right now, and maybe you, too?, is that *I* get to set the boundaries with other people (especially men, but also women), and *I* am capable of doing this.  I am capable of recognizing when I need to put distance between myself and someone else to stay healthy, even on a small scale in everyday relationships.  I get to decide if I want to be a happy single person and I get to decide who gets close to me and how close.  I have the tools in me to communicate and enforce a healthy, comfortable distance with everyone I meet.  I think it takes some practice but I won't need to pre-empt interactions with my body or my clothing or my hygiene or anything else...I can actually handle things on an individual basis.  In theory.  With practice.  And patience. 

 

I'm navigating divorce right now and contemplating being "100% my own person" for the first time ever - I never could think of myself that way when I was married, and I have been married since very young.  It is quite a change.  I have certainly fantasized about wearing the t-shirt that says "go away, I don't want to think about men ever again" (for example) or the one that says "I'm totally too complicated for you" or "If you're interested, I'll consider offers in about 20 years."  I'm afraid of letting someone down, afraid I will disappoint them - but you know, I'm not responsible for their feelings, only for mine.  I'm afraid I will be misunderstood as being interested when I am not, but really I am capable of saying, "I'm sorry, I'm not up for [insert shade of relationship here]."  I am afraid that being attractive will mean I'm necessarily attracting and basically baiting someone, but it's not about being attractive for other people, it's about feeling good for ME, and if I live to please myself and it ends up attracting someone, that's their problem, not mine.  I'm totally not capable of committing in a healthy way to anyone but myself and my kids, and that is a firm bottom line, so anyone who is hoping otherwise will just have to suck it up and deal.

 

And it well might take me 20 years.  And that's okay.

 

Of course, that was all about me.  But your post made me think you might be in some kind of similar place.

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