how to NOT yell at your children...

[mommy22boys]

I was just reading the "yelling at your children" thread, and I'm wondering, what do you guys say to your kids when that is what you feel like saying?

I try really hard not to yell at my 2year old DS, and most of the time I don't, but sometimes I do and I feeelll soooo bad after. Are there moms here that actually never ever yell at their kids? And if so.. how do you not? What do you instead to make them listen? The only thing that usually makes me yell is when he hits me or if he hits his baby brother or wakes him, etc.

[ann_of_loxley]

This - in all honesty (and IMO) is something that just takes practice with self control. Over time, you get better and better with it.

One thing I did to help me was put up signs around the house. I simply made these on the computer and printed them out. They included a central picture of 'calm' (I simply used google to find ones that I enjoyed). Then in very BOLD letters on top and bottom, they said things like 'STOP' and 'LISTEN' and 'PEACE'. I then put them up, at my eye level, in all our living spaces (living room, bedroom, by the computer, bathroom, etc). These helped me really just to get into the habit of stopping myself, not yelling! lol, thinking of what I would like to say in my head, how to rephrase that in a positive way to my child, etc. When I no longer needed them - I took them down!

Children don't need us to yell so that they can listen. We yell because it feels good. So if you still need an oulet after getting into the habit of not yelling - find one for yourself. Scream into a pillow if you have to (in a way that won't upset your child - obviously) - or use any spare time you have for relaxationg techniques. Children only need our connection and uncondtional love to listen. Its not always about them listening to us either - we have to listen to them too so that we can work together.

I also find Bach Flower remedies to help. I just add them to all the families drinks! lol

[Tjej]

I don't know if I have ever yelled at the kids - I've spoken sharply (my tone), but yell - I don't think so. For me, yelling just isn't natural when I am upset. So I suppose the not yelling is easy for me.

What I do instead of yell - conciously choose to keep my lips shut or talk very slowly/deliberately. I think usually I keep my mouth shut until I have a level of calm enough to speak properly/not yell.

Tjej

[treegardner]

DH and I really aren't yellers to begin with, so we don't yell at DS. I've yelled at DS when he runs away from me at the park or something, but it's not out of anger. It's to get his attention.

[Wild Lupine]

I didn't think I was a 'yeller' until DD hit 2.5. Boy did those months show me how little patience I could have, especially when I hadn't gotten enough sleep.

I found that I needed to make a conscious decision in advance that I wouldn't yell, and have a plan in place for when I felt like doing so. Trusting myself to stick to my ideals when I was impatient and angry just didn't cut it! Some things I did were counting to ten before opening my mouth, taking several deep breaths, walking away. I found with DD that she listened and followed directions much better when I was calm and reasonable. That was the age that Playful Parenting started to become really useful. If you haven't read that book I highly recommend it.

[ians_mommy]

I came from a home of yellers and hitters, so now those two behaviors are completely repulsive to me. It is just nothing I feel the urge to do.
I stop listening when other people yell, so I would imagine a child would as well.
When I get real frustrated/mad I actually get more quiet...then I speak very low and precise while making direct eye contact. My DS seems to get that I mean business when my tone changes that way. It is the same thing I do when my patients are out of control and it usually gets them refocused as well.

[PNCTink]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

One thing I did to help me was put up signs around the house. I simply made these on the computer and printed them out. They included a central picture of 'calm' (I simply used google to find ones that I enjoyed). Then in very BOLD letters on top and bottom, they said things like 'STOP' and 'LISTEN' and 'PEACE'. I then put them up, at my eye level, in all our living spaces (living room, bedroom, by the computer, bathroom, etc). These helped me really just to get into the habit of stopping myself, not yelling! lol, thinking of what I would like to say in my head, how to rephrase that in a positive way to my child, etc. When I no longer needed them - I took them down!

Fabulous idea!! I am going to have to try this!

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

I also find Bach Flower remedies to help. I just add them to all the families drinks! lol

Originally Posted by ians_mommy

I came from a home of yellers and hitters, so now those two behaviors are completely repulsive to me. It is just nothing I feel the urge to do.
I stop listening when other people yell, so I would imagine a child would as well.

I did too and the hitting I don't do. I have such a hard time with the yelling because that's how our family communicated with one another. It was terrible and I am trying to change it, but it's difficult for me.

Thanks OP for posting this!

[mommy22boys]

Thank you for the tips and advice!!

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

This - in all honesty (and IMO) is something that just takes practice with self control. Over time, you get better and better with it.

One thing I did to help me was put up signs around the house. I simply made these on the computer and printed them out. They included a central picture of 'calm' (I simply used google to find ones that I enjoyed). Then in very BOLD letters on top and bottom, they said things like 'STOP' and 'LISTEN' and 'PEACE'. I then put them up, at my eye level, in all our living spaces (living room, bedroom, by the computer, bathroom, etc). These helped me really just to get into the habit of stopping myself, not yelling! lol, thinking of what I would like to say in my head, how to rephrase that in a positive way to my child, etc. When I no longer needed them - I took them down!

Would you be so kind as to share some of these images? Or link to them on google? I'd really appreciate it, I'm always looking for inspiration

[cmhermes]

Thank you for the sign idea! I just made notes on note card paper and posted them around the house. I was more specific like: "Be the parent you want to be-kind, gentle and loving." "Do Not Yell-Listen." "Stay Calm." "Remind them that you love them."
For me, I am struggling with the yelling. When I yell, I remind myself of my own mother. I need to actively try not to be like that. I used signs to quit smoking years ago. Hopefully, the signs will be as successful as that!

[ann_of_loxley]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

Would you be so kind as to share some of these images? Or link to them on google? I'd really appreciate it, I'm always looking for inspiration

Lol sure...just for some ideas I have found these. Mine are parenting based photos, but you might find something else clam and relaxing like pictures of dogs or cats or trees of nice landscape scenery. I just pick pictures that make me stop and give a big 'sigh' so I can centre myself again.

http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/e...88788142f8.jpg

http://images.google.com/url?source=...VMo5Bmc-xgmNcw

http://images.google.com/url?source=...lojGLHDabWRyjg

http://images.google.com/url?source=...3u9tzZOuzPiBFA

http://images.google.com/url?source=...ubWm1gu1lhRq-w

Lol - the pictures can be anything you like that do the job. I am a visual person - so words are never enough...pictures just add to how these signs helped me.

And yeah - I came from many abusive foster homes myself...so as much as I hate yelling and hitting - etc, the conditioning is still there. I fight hard to be the best parent I think I should be because of that. Anything that helps!!!

[HappilyEvrAfter]

I've got a sign too. It's in the kitchen (where our lives seem to mostly revolve) and it simply says, "Kids need our love and patience most when they are at their worst." I got the saying from some thread here on MDC.

I tend to be a very stern talker (not really yelling) when I get frustrated or mad.
It's def a learned self control to stop the "lashing out", but the hurt look in my kiddo's eyes was enough to make me find other anger control methods.

I just have to force myself to disengage and breath deeply. I simply take a breath and let my son know, "Hon, I'm frustrated right now. Give me a min. and we'll talk about this."

Now when he hears me take a deep breath he puts his little hand on my arm and says, "Mommy, are you frust-ru-ated? Do you need a min? This is okay. We'll talk and fix it."
It's the cutest thing...and it's melts my frustration/anger.

It seems to be rubbing off on him too. When he gets angry he starts taking gulping breaths and says, "Jusssa min. I'm frust-ru-ated with you right now. Let me breath. You need to talk to me bout this." Lol. Bless his heart.

[mommy22boys]

Aw HapplyEvrAfter that is adorable!
I'm starting with the signs today. I don't yell that often but I still think this will be great to have around for me and DH too, even though he might laugh at me at first!
Thanks again!

[susanjohnson1969]

http://web.ncf.ca/an588/disc_how.txt - I hope this helps

[Pumpkin_Pie]

I so need to learn to do this. I just had a screaming mama tantrum at my poor DS that lasted nearly an hour. When I am very short on sleep, I just can't seem to get to the rational part of my brain that helps me to stop yelling.

Any tips on stopping yelling when you are in a sleep deprived fog?

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie

Any tips on stopping yelling when you are in a sleep deprived fog?

Lots of caffeine. ...in my case it's coffee.

Sorry, I'm the same way. I usually end up in "mommy time out" quite a bit on the days when I get too little sleep. Lol.

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

Lots of caffeine. ...in my case it's coffee.

Sorry, I'm the same way. I usually end up in "mommy time out" quite a bit on the days when I get too little sleep. Lol.

Yes, that is generally my tactic for during the day, but it is so dang hard to wake up after only a few hours of sleep to a nearly 3 year old pawing at my shirt pleading (loudly...) "Nay Nay Mama!!! I want Nay Nay!!!!!"

He will occasionally take a snuggle instead, but usually that ends up with his hand up my shirt pinching the heck out of my nipples. He did that this morning and I eventually started freaking out at the touched-out-ness of it all that I was feeling. Then I started yelling...

I just wish I could figure it all out. I hate, hate, hate that I was raised in a yelling (and hitting) household. I don't hit him, but I definitely feel the fury that rises in me like some sort of monster and I understand wanting to hit your child. I refuse to hit, but for some reason, I can't get the yelling under control in the wee hours of the morning. So frustrating.

[TopHat]

I'm been known to throw adult tantrums. Luckily, most of the time they're at the end of the day when I'm tired, so my DH is there to help DD and I can have a break. Of course that doesn't work for sleep-deprived mornings, so I've started doing all the things people recommend you do for kids who have tantrums: I cut out Red #40 from my diet (BIG help), I eat a high-protein breakfast to help my blood sugar stay level for longer, try to nap when my daughter naps (this rarely happens, but is nice when it does), get outside for some sunlight and exercise. Of course, this is harder in the winter, so I'm taking extra cod liver oil for the omega-3s and vitamin D. I found when I take it, I can think clearer and I'm less tired. And since I'm doing all these things already, my daughter gets the benefits of doing them with me (mostly the high protein breakfast and the exercise outside), so she's less likely to have tantrums too.

Anyway, as for yelling, I don't think I've ever yelled, but I have been sharper than I should have been. I try to apologize for it and then have a do-over. I also try to explain the situation, "I'm cranky right now and I need to think." It helps me to say it out loud because I need to hear it, and I'm hoping my daughter will learn from it as well. I also try hard to let her know it's ok to have negative feelings. I grew up in a house where showing your feelings was bad, so I've dealt with a lot of repressed emotions as an adult. When I'm angry or sad or whatever, I also try to add, "I'm angry- it's ok to be angry, it happens sometimes, but I need a break to get that out, ok?"

[Mittsy]

Both me and DH came from a yelling household, so unfortunately we do have a tendency towards yelling on occasion. I always apologize after I've yelled, and Catharina usually points me in the direction of the coffee pot afterward. Usually, when I feel like I'm going I call a "meeting on the couch", and I discuss with the child how their doing x is making me feel y and we need to brainstorm a solution so z doesn't happen. If all else fails, I give the child something to do while "mommy calls a cool down time".