It's because you're a first time mom

[BlueWolf]

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this saying over the past week with all the family Christmas parties...

"It's because you're a first time mom"

Apparently some family members on DH's side think the reason I don't let DD cry it out is because I'm a first time mom. According to them, I wont have a problem letting my child cry it out once it's baby number 2 and so forth.

It doesn't matter to me if it's baby #1 or baby #2, I will not let my infant CIO. I really hate how some people think that because you only have one baby, you don't know what you're doing or that you don't have a specific parenting plan in mind. But THEY know better because that have 2...3...4 kids of their own, or kids in college.

[sunshynbaby]

I'm getting so sick of this too! We put a sweater on DS because we are new parents... um, no, it's because it is 55 degrees outside! Argh

[GreenGranolaMama]

Baby spoiler over here

[mamazee]

I don't make my second baby CIO either. (As an aside, I don't like how the standard is to use the word "let" with CIO, as if babies are being allowed to be miserable and lonely.)

[Shy0717]

Oh this drives me nuts!!!! Apparently the world is concerned with the fact that my child co-sleeps and I refuse to let him cio. He's just spoiled rotten and apparently because I'm a first time mom I just need to leave him in a room and walk outside and let him scream until he passes out. It's so annoying.

[Everrgreen]

So annoying! I usually get the "'so and so' did cio and their baby is fine!"

[Bokonon]

They will be eating their words when you have future kids and parent in the same way. And you can say "I DIDN'T do CIO with #1, and look how well she turned out!"

Or you can always say "No, I don't do CIO because I think it's wrong. When I have my second, and third, and fourth children, I'll still think it's wrong."

FWIW I'm on baby #2 and still not going to do CIO. In fact, I'm doing much of the same as I did when #1 was a baby; this time, I'm just more confident about it!

[darcytrue]

That would tick me off too. My family thought I was odd for co-sleeping in 1995 with my firstborn. They also think I'm odd for choosing to home school my older children now. I'm just the odd one on everything it seems. But I'm on child #3 and never have I let a child of mine CIO. I co-slept a long time with my older two and plan to do the same with this child. Needless to say, I no longer get comments about it.

[Collinsky]

I got that a lot as a first-time mom too! And while I do do some things differently now than I did then, I have NEVER let a baby CIO on purpose. My favorite stock response to this (and to criticisms of parenting choices) is a super sweet "Time will tell!" Can't argue with that, can they? And ten years from now, they'll realize that it wasn't because you were a first time mom.

However, I have also seen new parents do things that I remember doing with my first, that I no longer worry about. I'm pretty sure that's something they'll stop doing with a second or third baby. (Like, a newborn won't get pneumonia if their socks fall off.) I would never say to them, "It's because you're a first time mom." There's a lot of value to figuring that stuff out for yourself, and a lot of value in older people knowing when and how to offer their experience, and when to simply honor the journey other people are on as parents, without judgment or interference. Unfortunately, that's not a skill many people possess!

IME, comments like the "it's because you're a first time mom" one seem a lot less like being helpful and a lot more like just trying to preserve their own personal idea that what they are used to is the Right Way, and that you'll "come around" once you wise up. I hate that.

I would love to say, "I hear that first-time moms are also less likely to smack people who like to talk about things they don't understand."

[Melaniee]

Argh, I remember that. But to me it was always "Well you'll xyz differently when you have more than one." I took it mostly as a self-defense for something they do, that I did not do, that they secretly felt guilty for doing.

Now, is it true that things are different with #2? Yes, it is. Not fundamentally as in I suddenly let her CIO all the time, but sure in some ways. Do I wish my 2nd could have that magical "bubble" that my first lived in? Yes, but I never could figure out how it would be possible.

HOWEVER I try my darndest not to play that card with people who have one child b/c I remember how obnoxious it was.

[Blueone]

I haven't had anyone say "it's because you're a first time mom" to that, but I have had people say I should CIO. I just simply say "if they don't have object permanence yet, how will they still know I'm there when I don't respond to their cries?" That usually puts a stopper to it. If I've used it before several times I'll just say "I won't do that" and don't continue with that.

[BlueWolf]

Originally Posted by Collinsky

I got that a lot as a first-time mom too! And while I do do some things differently now than I did then, I have NEVER let a baby CIO on purpose. My favorite stock response to this (and to criticisms of parenting choices) is a super sweet "Time will tell!" Can't argue with that, can they? And ten years from now, they'll realize that it wasn't because you were a first time mom.

However, I have also seen new parents do things that I remember doing with my first, that I no longer worry about. I'm pretty sure that's something they'll stop doing with a second or third baby. (Like, a newborn won't get pneumonia if their socks fall off.) I would never say to them, "It's because you're a first time mom." There's a lot of value to figuring that stuff out for yourself, and a lot of value in older people knowing when and how to offer their experience, and when to simply honor the journey other people are on as parents, without judgment or interference. Unfortunately, that's not a skill many people possess!

IME, comments like the "it's because you're a first time mom" one seem a lot less like being helpful and a lot more like just trying to preserve their own personal idea that what they are used to is the Right Way, and that you'll "come around" once you wise up. I hate that.

I would love to say, "I hear that first-time moms are also less likely to smack people who like to talk about things they don't understand."

I love this post and I'm so going to use "time will tell"! That's perfect, thanks

DD is almost 6 months old now and I already know there are some things that I will do differently with #2, but that's because I'm more confident now. Hind sight is 20/20, after all. But CIO is definitely not one of them.

On Christmas, DD with was with DH's aunt, and she was tolerant for about 20 minutes before she started fussing, then out right crying. I knew she was tired, and at her limit. She didn't get as many naps as she normal does so she was on the verge of a melt down. I don't expect other people to know that about my baby though, ykwim? So, I went to retrieve DD before she got too upset and my MIL makes a comment, "what? can you just not handle her crying? that's just because you're a new mom. You'll get over that real fast once you have more kids". She's queen of thoughtless comments sometimes.

[GoGoGirl]

I secretly dream of saying, "No, it's because I'm a good mom."

[jessielove]

I don't make my baby CIO and he's #5. Not a new mom thing at all.

[emmaegbert]

you know, there are some things I do differently with my second baby. But actually, if anything I am *more* "AP" than with my first, because I've learned to trust myself even more. Also, I'm a lot better at using baby carriers, stuff like that. I am more relaxed in a lot of my attitudes and expectations. And I care less what other people say about it.

And, like a PP said, I have an awesome older kid to point to as proof I am a good mom.

I hope I would *never* criticize someone by telling them its b/c they are a first-time mom!! Holy cow, what a jerky thing to say.

[lifeguard]

That rates right up there with "you'll see when you're a parent" in my books. Just because someone else's experiences are not yet the same as yours does not mean they are stupid.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this saying over the past week with all the family Christmas parties...

"It's because you're a first time mom"

Apparently some family members on DH's side think the reason I don't let DD cry it out is because I'm a first time mom. According to them, I wont have a problem letting my child cry it out once it's baby number 2 and so forth.

It doesn't matter to me if it's baby #1 or baby #2, I will not let my infant CIO. I really hate how some people think that because you only have one baby, you don't know what you're doing or that you don't have a specific parenting plan in mind. But THEY know better because that have 2...3...4 kids of their own, or kids in college.

*enormous eye-roll*

First it's "oh, you just think that because you're pregnant, wait until after you have the baby!"

Then it's "first-time mom blah blah," eh?

Luckily nobody I know tells me I should make my baby CIO, so I don't have a chance to tell them to go to hell.

[BrittneyMarie]

my general response to "sometimes you need to just let her cry" is "or i could not... yeah, i think i'll stick with that". i get a bit defensive when people judge my parenting skills. my favorite is "babys cry. its what they do". yeah, when they need something!

[justKate]

Yep, another baby spoiler here.

[sapphire_chan]

So your family thinks that people love their second and third and etc kids less than their first child? How sad.

Maybe when you have your second child, they'll be willing to remind you to give him or her as much love as you are giving your eldest?