How to answer questions about 'independence'

[GreenGranolaMama]

So first off I have to say that DH is completely supportive of the AP lifestyle we have going- I BF on demand, we both love to baby wear, co sleep (DH co-sleeps with us on the weekends and sleeps solo during the week. He works 60+ hours a week, so I don't mind- he tends to sleep better alone, as the baby is a VERY loud nurser ) and he would never dream of letting DS CIO.

That being said, he has recently started asking me about when I am going to start teaching DS about independence- to which I have replied "He's an infant! Independence will come with time, he will want to explore more solo and will let me know when he is ready". But DH is still arguing with me about it. He is afraid that DS will eventually become "too attached"

Help?

[sunshynbaby]

Attachment parenting creates strong, independent kids. Has he read any of the books about it? This is a good article to start with:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130400.asp

[ann_of_loxley]

What she said! hehe...

My simple reply to most people usually is something along the lines of:

'Its a false assumption that pushing children to become more independent makes them independent. You don't need to 'teach' a baby/child 'indepedence'. Studies actually show that children who have a strong connection/attachment to their caregivers not only reach 'independence' in their own natural time, but are much more indepedent and healthy all around' ....

If they care to know more or test you on that - there are LOADS of books to direct them to! lmao

[BlueWolf]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

What she said! hehe...

My simple reply to most people usually is something along the lines of:

'Its a false assumption that pushing children to become more independent makes them independent. You don't need to 'teach' a baby/child 'indepedence'. Studies actually show that children who have a strong connection/attachment to their caregivers not only reach 'independence' in their own natural time, but are much more indepedent and healthy all around' ....

If they care to know more or test you on that - there are LOADS of books to direct them to! lmao

I love that! Mind if I "borrow" it? aka... steal it for my own use?

[Bokonon]

My baby is the same age as yours. She can't change herself, feed herself, protect herself from danger - it wouldn't seem appropriate to expect her to be emotionally independent, kwim?

[GreenGranolaMama]

Originally Posted by sunshynbaby

Attachment parenting creates strong, independent kids. Has he read any of the books about it? This is a good article to start with:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130400.asp

I read this while I was still pregnant, but am totally going to have DH read it. I love this quote though

"Remember, too, that attachment parenting, by mellowing a child's behavior, makes it easier to go places with your child. You don't have to feel tied down to your house or apartment and a lifestyle that includes only babies."

People are ALWAYS commenting on how happy and chill DS is, both while we are at home and out adventuring

[sunshynbaby]

Originally Posted by GreenGranolaMama

People are ALWAYS commenting on how happy and chill DS is, both while we are at home and out adventuring

We get these comments too! Everyone tells us how lucky we are

[Italiamom]

Not wanting to sound unsupportive in any way of your choices with my comments. We bedshare right now because it is absolutely the only way we can get DS to sleep. And my husband sleeps separately during the week, because it's the only way he can get rest.

But before DS was born, we slept together in the same bed very happily. I know it's been hard on my husband for us to sleep apart. He is a good spouse, and he's smart enough to put sleep before pleasure, so to speak. But I think he's very much looking forward to the day that DS isn't sleeping in our bed so that it can truly be "ours" again, instead of just a place he occasionally joins.

My point is, have you asked your husband recently if the arrangement of him sleeping in another room is still working for him? Men are often indirect enough to tread lightly around issues that there may be conflict about. You sound very at peace with your current arrangement, which is good, but your husband might not necessarily feel the same way. When he asks about teaching independence, he might really be trying to feel out some time alone with you, especially if he keeps pressing the issue.

I don't think infants really need independence. There will be years and years down the road for that. But I also know that it was exceptionally hard when "our" bed stopped being DH's and mine, and started being DS's and mine. You obviously don't have to stop bed-sharing. We all know that it's exceptionally good for babies. But maybe your husband is missing you, and hinting at independence is easier than admitting to feeling left out or being jealous of baby.

Good luck!

[Blueone]

Originally Posted by Italiamom

My point is, have you asked your husband recently if the arrangement of him sleeping in another room is still working for him? Men are often indirect enough to tread lightly around issues that there may be conflict about. You sound very at peace with your current arrangement, which is good, but your husband might not necessarily feel the same way. When he asks about teaching independence, he might really be trying to feel out some time alone with you, especially if he keeps pressing the issue.

I don't think infants really need independence. There will be years and years down the road for that. But I also know that it was exceptionally hard when "our" bed stopped being DH's and mine, and started being DS's and mine. You obviously don't have to stop bed-sharing. We all know that it's exceptionally good for babies. But maybe your husband is missing you, and hinting at independence is easier than admitting to feeling left out or being jealous of baby.

Good luck!

That is so true! My husband had a bit of a hard time adjusting to our son being in the bed with us. We even tried weaning him to his crib, but it did not work and I was completely exhausted so he rearranged his views and is now fine with it. But he sleeps with us during the week and the weekend. Try talking to your hubby and if he's having a hard time there are always side car options and so on. Even ear plugs, but I'd talk to him first before jumping to assumptions. He could be fine with it but be thinking ahead in terms of developments in babies.

[woodchick]

Someone here has a great little saying in their signature that goes something like this "Baby your babies while they're babies and you won't have to baby them when they're grown." It rings true to me.

[_betsy_]

My standard line is that I'm FOSTERING my children's independence, not forcing it.

And my 3 yo DD is certainly proof that she's gotten what she needs from AP. Extended BFing, babywearing, responding to her needs ASAP, etc. has allowed her to understand that Mama and Daddy are her "soft place to fall" so to speak. When we're with others, we get compliments on her behavior, her vocabulary, her independence, etc. To me, independence doesn't mean how far away from me she's willing to roam, but her security in the knowledge that I'll be there whenever she needs me and that she is figuring out that she doesn't need me every second of every day.

[OperaDiva]

I was raised in a mostly AP household (breastfed to 2, co-slept, never left to CIO, etc.), and at 23 I am definitely independent. DH's job schedule prevents him from doing anything in the evenings, but I still take DS to social functions, concerts, and anything else I feel like doing.

Growing up, I remember every one of my friends getting extremely homesick at summer camp or sleepovers, but my sisters and I never did. I knew our parents would still be there when I got back, it wasn't a big deal at all. I think that had a lot to do with AP and knowing from birth that they would be there if I truly needed them.

[emmaegbert]

I agree with people above... if you can remind your husband how totally dependent babies are (biologically, emotionally), perhaps you can remind him why its not appropriate to expect independence from an infant.

I don't know how old your baby is, but perhaps your husband can be reminded that just the basic functions are very hard for infants-- maintaining temperature, sleep and wake cycles, digestion and elimination... Assure him that when your son can start to move himself, you will let him physically explore safe spaces, when he can feed himself, you begin to offer them appropriate foods with which to feed himself. By responding to baby' needs from the get-go, you are encouraging him to be communicative- which is the best way for him to be independent long before he can do much for himself. He can express his needs and have them met. Maybe if your husband isn't around much, he is not noticing babies communicative cues? Can you point them out or give him a report every day or so of the thing baby has "done" (smiled at me, vocalized to get my attention, picked up a cloth and looked at it, etc).

Kids will soon enough demand their independence and you will be trying to find ways to meet that need for independence appropriately! I think that it *is* really important for kids, and not always easy for us moms to do- to let them struggle, to let them take risks- but with an infant, this is not what they need. They need to be comfortable, fed, rested, and secure.

If your husband is an intellectual type guy, try to find an author that summarizes the Ainsworth "strange situation" tests and what they suggest about attachment and independence. (or check out the wikipedia entry).

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by sunshynbaby

Attachment parenting creates strong, independent kids. Has he read any of the books about it? This is a good article to start with:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130400.asp

This.

When I get that kind of comment, it's my cue to start talking about all of the evidence of the correlation between attachment and future independence. If they feel the need to question my parenting, I have no problem letting them know exactly why and how they are wrong.