Strategies for Crazed Children?

[zipworth]

I am a mother of three, ages 6.5, 4, and 16 months. Whenever I take them to visit with family or friends, regardless of how much we discuss appropriate
behaviors while visiting others, their excitement level still goes through the roof and I spend the whole visit tring to calm them down enough so they aren't being annoying. Forget about trying to talk to anyone. I'm talking screaming, running, constant roughousing with visitors, and crazed attention seeking. I really would like to visit with people but it seems impossible with my three, even if my husband is with me to manage them.

We just came back from supper with BIL at a very casual restaurant, and I spent the whole time unable to talk to anybody because my daughter kept saying everything in a shreiking voice and my son was just waiting for an excuse to join her in her antics. The baby was the only calm one, and that's because he was locked in a highchair. Should I just leave them at home from now on? Or is this a phase that will pass with time?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think its certainly possible for the 6.5 year old to learn restaurant and visiting behavior, but it might be difficult for her with the 4 year old there - they probably feed off each other quite a bit.

Is it possible to enlist the aid of a good friend or family to take her out one-on-one once a week or so? Part of the key to calming down is frequency (if it happens a lot its less exciting) and part is having one-on-one attention and coaching. Or to take her out yourself one-on-one?

The four year old is at a very iffy age for restaurant behavior. Personally, I wouldn't push it. The only places I take my 4 year old are like McDonalds, where she can run her crazy self around all she wants.

[Jessy1019]

I agree that the more you do it, the more they'll get used to it. We've gone out to eat several times a week since my kids were each born, and they've never been a disturbance to other diners -- they're used to going out and what is expected from them.

Do they enjoy going? If they do, it may be effective to let them know what your expectations are beforehand, and warn them that you will have to leave if they don't live up to those expectations -- then follow through and leave if they are shrieking and creating a disturbance.

[SoulCakes]

I agree with the PPs - frequency is key. My four-year-old daughter eats out with us on a regular basis, and while there are times that she's simply not at her best, in general she knows how she's expected to behave, and that there won't be any rewards like dessert if she runs wild. I think in our case, though, having a treat at the end of the meal really helped - it gave her an incentive to be good for so long that now her good behavior comes naturally.

I don't know much about keeping multiple kids in line - it has to make it so much harder, since, like a PP said, they feed off each other's energy. Taking them out individually might help them practice restaurant behavior in a low-key environment. I disagree that 4 is too young to learn good behavior; rather, repetition and clear expectations are key, with maybe some rewards (dessert, if that's your thing) or consequences (removing them from the restaurant) thrown in.

I hear ya on the over-excitement around other people, though. My DD only has to hear that a guest is coming over to start spinning out of control.

[Theoretica]

My suggestion when I have to haul mine around is to get their energy out first. Can you go to a park for half an hour? What about play tag in the house before you leave? Something to get that huge burst of energy tamed a little so they can settle and be somewhat civilized in public afterwards.

It works most of the time for me, sometimes though NOTHING works...and then THEY win...

[MJB]

Are there consequences for their rude and embarrassing behavior? If not, how do you expect them to learn?
My sons are 6.5 and 4, and they are always well behaved in restaurants because they love going out to eat and don't want to lose the privilege. They would be embarrassed if they were somehow causing a scene.

[Storm Bride]

We haven't had to actually do it with our kids yet (have come REALLY close), but my parents used to take us out of wherever it was. If we got too crazy in a restaurant, one of them took us out to the car, and we waited for the other parent and other child(ren), if applicable. If we got too crazy while we were visiting someone, we left...unless we had two parents along, in which case one would take us out to run around or something. We figured it out pretty quickly.

I also agree that it helps a lot to have them run some of it off ahead of time. Go to a park or something for half an hour or so before going visiting.

[ssh]

At what age a child can behave pleasantly in a restaurant has a lot to do with temperament. My adult DD never had any problems with behavior in restaurants and with my 4 year DD we took a 9 month break during her 2nd year. She still has trouble sometimes at 4 years old. My older DD was verbal early and is very dramatic, but expresses it verbally. My 4 year old is one of those can't be still, climb on everything, easily excited, exuberant kids. Busy, noisy restaurants work better for us and if she can't behave we take our food home. Going hiking, to the zoo, playing in the snow or anything that involves physical activity works great though.

[VisionaryMom]

Some restaurants are very hard for DS & me. For some reason, all Mexican restaurants near us tend to be cavernous and cement. It's insanely loud in those places. For me, I just dislike going, but in DS it comes out as crazy behavior. We avoid those places. The one time we left a restaurant was like that, and he was about 2. He was upset, but the echoing off the concrete walls made it seem so loud. He just couldn't cope with it. (Look up research on Wal-Mart & other warehouse-type stores for more on this. It's actually a business tactic, which obviously backfires with my family.)

Other than that, have you tried seating them separate? I would put at least one adult between all of the children. Everyone gets to talk, and they can participate with the larger table rather than just with each other. IME, if you try to sit all children at one end of the table, they play with each other and get loud naturally.

I think 6 is too old to shriek in a restaurant. I would go out immediately with your 6YO for something like that. You don't have to leave completely (esp. since you're there with other people), but you or your DP should leave as soon as something like that begins. Cut it down to 1-2 behaviors at first, but make it clear that you will leave the restaurant and go outside, sit in the car, whatever for 5 minutes every time that happens. It's not fair to anyone - esp other diners.

[zipworth]

Actually, the problem is visiting with family mostly. My four year old is the main problem. She has given up naps but desperately needs them. Activities in the evening are excruciating at times. My 6.5 year old is actually quite good, but has just been diagnosed with ADHD. He will occasionally just 'lose it' behaviorally. I suspect the four year old has it as well. After typing this out, the best bet is just wearing them out before these visits! There is something about being around relatives that creates this high-strung emotional situation from my children. They want to interact with family but go crazy instead!