Just Feel Like I Need to Complain a Little

[AnnaNova]

So it's been almost 11 months since my son was born and I still feel like i cant balance my life at all....
i had to start working when he was 4 mo, it was unplanned and i didnt really want to start working, but if we wanted to pay basic bills and keep our house, i just had to...
now i find myself stressed all the time and my life is completely out of balance.
im tired of fighting hard to keep my supply up, tired of inhaling my lunch instead of enjoying a break from work while pumping at the same time.
im tired of having to make a choice between playing with my son and enjoying our time together and making a dinner.
tired of seeing a fat slob in the mirror and telling myself i will work out and eat better and lose all the millions of pounds a gained with the baby and then not finding the time to do it...
i wanted to go back to school for a different degree and i cant even fathom how on earth im gonna do it...
most of all im sad realizing that there are people (even friends of mine) that can just do it all... and also hearing all the pitiful 'you have to work full time with a little one????' oh come on...
i dont even know what kind of response im looking for, i guess just needed to complain a little

[eccomama]

i been there except dd was 10 months. talking about it helps a lot, especially with your partner. these is something the two of you should tackle.


hang in there

[Elecampane]

. It will get easier--you will find your groove, so to speak. As your baby gets older, it will get easier, and the time you spend together will be more rewarding. I know it's so very hard those first months or even that whole first year back. Pumping is a serious drag. Not having enough time for yourself is a serious drag. It all adds up to STRESS.

Does your partner help out with the day-to-day household stuff? and think about things you can let go...it wouldn't be the end of the world if say the beds didn't get made every morning. That kind of thing.

As for the dilemma of cooking dinner vs. playing with your child, I found that after picking my DD up from daycare we we needed to reconnect (play, nurse, whatever) for at least an hour before I plunged into any meal prep or housework.

Can you take a few hours on the weekend and prepare several meals to be frozen for later use during the week? do you have a crock pot? even if you just chop up some basic ingredients (onions, etc.) and keep them refrigerated, it will cut down on the prep time. There are lots of very helpful freezer meal/make ahead cookbooks out there if you need some ideas.

As for the unsolicited pity--I get that too, and it makes me so angry. I honestly don't know how to deal with it in the moment. It makes me feel so terrible about myself and my "choice" (really not a choice at all--gotta work to pay the bills). I know I shouldn't let it get to me--that only I control my feelings etc.--but it's hard. It's a sensitive issue for me. My own mother thinks daycare is the devil.

And p.s., I'm so very glad you posted--it seems so many WOHMs don't often say these things, even though lots of us have to be thinking them, right? My DD is now three, and it's much easier, but I'm about to start all over again with a new baby. I'm dreading it more than I can describe. I won't go into my rant about the pathetic maternity leave policies in the US but I just wish a parent could stay at home (and keep his/her job) with their small children for at least that first year.

hang in there, mama!

[erinsmama]

AnnaNova, please be a little easier on yourself! I know exactly how you feel because I remember myself back when my little one was that same age & I felt pretty much the same. It's only now - my little girl is 2 - that I feel that I am starting to feel like myself again. I'm finally losing the baby weight & exercising (dd likes to work out with me ) I continue to work full time, but I give myself a lot of breaks I didn't before. DD is no longer nursing, she eats the same things we do for dinner, & dinners are very easy things I can prepare quickly - pasta, tacos, frozen pizza, etc. Sometimes we get rotisserie chicken from the grocery store by my house. I wish Costco was closer because they seem to have less expensive prices on chicken.

Things will get better AnnaNova! Is it possible to cut out a pumping session so you can take a work break? I see you're trying to keep your supply up, so I understand if you're pumping because of that & that's a wonderful thing you're doing for your baby. But it you can, please try to get a little break. Also, do you have some personal time you can take from work? I get some personal time & I'm not afraid to use it just to get away & get some coffee or do a little Macy's browsing ( I never buy anything though).

I too would love to take some classes, but I think it's going to have to wait for a little while. I just can't sacrifice that time I have with my daughter right now. Just know that you have a lot of life ahead of you & you will be able to take those classes someday.

Those people who seem to be able to do it all, I'm guessing they have a lot of people helping them with a lot of things. Nanny's who clean houses during the day, people who hire someone to clean their houses, family that lives nearby to watch their little one while they go to school or work. All of these are great things, but not things everyone can afford to do, or that are available to everyone. I don't have any family nearby, so we do not have them for a support system, but dd does have an awesome daycare & we have a couple of great backup babysitters. These things I am very thankful for.

Hang in there! It does get better & things seem to get easier (or change) as your little one will get a little older.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat!

[erinsmama]

AnnaNova, please be a little easier on yourself! I know exactly how you feel because I remember myself back when my little one was that same age & I felt pretty much the same. It's only now - my little girl is 2 - that I feel that I am starting to feel like myself again. I'm finally losing the baby weight & exercising (dd likes to work out with me ) I continue to work full time, but I give myself a lot of breaks I didn't before. DD is no longer nursing, she eats the same things we do for dinner, & dinners are very easy things I can prepare quickly - pasta, tacos, frozen pizza, etc. Sometimes we get rotisserie chicken from the grocery store by my house. I wish Costco was closer because they seem to have less expensive prices on chicken.

Things will get better AnnaNova! Is it possible to cut out a pumping session so you can take a work break? I see you're trying to keep your supply up, so I understand if you're pumping because of that & that's a wonderful thing you're doing for your baby. But it you can, please try to get a little break. Also, do you have some personal time you can take from work? I get some personal time & I'm not afraid to use it just to get away & get some coffee or do a little Macy's browsing ( I never buy anything though).

I too would love to take some classes, but I think it's going to have to wait for a little while. I just can't sacrifice that time I have with my daughter right now. Just know that you have a lot of life ahead of you & you will be able to take those classes someday.

Those people who seem to be able to do it all, I'm guessing they have a lot of people helping them with a lot of things. Nanny's who clean houses during the day, people who hire someone to clean their houses, family that lives nearby to watch their little one while they go to school or work. All of these are great things, but not things everyone can afford to do, or that are available to everyone. I don't have any family nearby, so we do not have them for a support system, but dd does have an awesome daycare & we have a couple of great backup babysitters. These things I am very thankful for.

Hang in there! It does get better & things seem to get easier (or change) as your little one will get a little older.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat!

[AnnaNova]

thanks for kind replies, it is nice to know im not the only one feeling this way...
my husband is supportive in many ways, but it just feels a lot of times that he doesnt quite understand what im going through... like my supply has been suffering because i have to pump at work, and when i talk to him about it all he says is 'well, lets hope it gets better' or 'hopefully you'll be able to nurse him a little while longer'... i mean i know there is nothing else he could possibly suggest, but it just makes me feel kinda alone with my issues...
and ive already 'let go' of so much... keeping house clean and eating healthy are among those things.
and school... agh, i miss school so much, miss taking classes and learning, we drove by a university campus some time ago, it almost made me cry...
i understand that its just completely different dynamic now, completely different universe, i just never realized i will miss it so much, or that i won't be able to do so many things...
i guess a big part of it is being unhappy with what i do, im sure if i had a job that i actually enjoyed rather than a job to just pay the bills, i'd feel differently... or if i could stay at home and be with the baby for a while like we planned eventually... but i guess i just have to suck it up...

[madskye]

You sound very sad. Can you take a day off? Sick day, personal day, vacation day? New Year, new vacation time should be starting. Sometimes one good day to recharge can really help. And if you've just had some time off with the holidays, maybe plan a day mid-Jan to take off and do a few things you Need to do, and a few things you Want to do. Snuggle your baby on the couch all day if you like. Whatever YOU want to do.

It does get better.

[MamaChicken]

It is so difficult sometimes. I went back to work with DD was 6 weeks, and then again when our twins were 6 weeks. I pumped with DD until 11 months and then stopped after I found out I was PG again and my supply disappeared. DD did fine, but she weaned at 13 mo.

I pumped with the twins until 10 mo and stopped because I just couldn't handle it anymore. After the boys were born, we hired a nanny instead of doing daycare. The cost was similar, but not having to do drop-off and pick-up is a life-saver. They are just finishing naptime when I get home, so I can get them up and feed them a snack while I prep dinner.

When the twins turned 1yo and DD was 2.5yo, I started going to the gym in the morning before work. I found that I can wake up at the same time (4:45 am) and get ready at home (and feed kids, do morning chores etc) or I can go to the gym and let older DS and DH do the morning routine. So 2-3 mornings/week I go to the gym instead.

I also made the choice to supplement with formula. My supply was already low (at 2 mo) and I did not have the mental strength to spend extra time at the pump to increase my supply. But, that did not end my BF relationship with the boys! They nurse at night and 1-2 times during the day. It took a long time to get over the guilt of feeding formula.

Just do what you need to do to maintain your sanity and be a happy, loving mama.

[yemango]

as a mama/massage therapist, you need massage! and to do things for yourself. i felt unbalanced too, and at around the same time...but i finally found time to sneak out to the movies, receive massages, take a short soak in the tub; even buying some aromatherapy oils works quite well. and chocolate!

anyway, on the massage issue, there are always LMTS out there willing to trade massage for something else (if $ is an issue). i'd post on craigslist.

blessings to you.

[darcytrue]

I agree with a PP. Since you work right now and DD is still so very little, I think I'd put off going back to school. Is it possible to work at home some days? That might help with the strain. Also, get dad doing more if that's possible. My DH likes to cook and he will do dinner most nights, even on weekends. He also loves to do breakfast on the days the whole family is at home and that helps a lot too.

And if you can afford it maybe join a gym or the YMCA and go when your baby can be watched in the child care area. It can do a world of good to work out for 30min to an hour a few times a week or drop her off and go vege and read a book in the lobby area.

[_ktg_]

Like someone else mentioned - please be gentle with yourself
With my first - I don't think I became balanced or figuring out what balanced was until DS was about 1 year... maybe more and now with 2 its double the fun .

Set little goals for balance, like reclaiming healthy eating. I know my DH helped out a lot for that first year in the dinner area, and oh man we did not eat well at all (read not a lot of fruits & veggies, & lots of take out). Getting focused on that helped so much as I'm pretty sure I was depleted from working f/t, bf'ing and running around crazy and such.

Also I second the massage.. I wish someone had suggested that when I was all goofy as it would have been a blessing

[nnaemeka]

just chiming in to send you support. i've been there and still am there in many ways. like a pp noted, i too sent formula to daycare when my dd was 10 months cause pumping was taking me over the edge. esp since my full breasts would hardly release milk into a plastic receptacle. at around 12 months i switched to hempmilk. and at 18 months, we are still going strong w/ bubby at home. it doesn't have to be either/or, i don't believe you have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of your child, so release the guilt! i just read great advice on the Dr Sears website "if you resent it, change it!"

it's a new year and while you are a mama, you are still you. how can you begin to move towards balance? i say choose and commit to at least one thing that you can do to restore some peace within yourself.