What would you do?

[mommy22boys]

My 2yo DS and I were baking, I put the baking soda in and he got really upset because he wanted to do it. He was crying loud, screaming, hitting me, and wanted to put some in himself, but I already put in all the recipe called for, so we couldn't add more. He didn't want to add anything else or do anything else, just add more baking soda. What would you do in this situation? I guess mainstream parenting moms would put him in time out until he stopped crying or something like that... but what would be a gentle/positive disipline way of handling this?
Of course next time I will let him do it himself and hopefully avoid this.

[ians_mommy]

Originally Posted by mommy22boys

My 2yo DS and I were baking, I put the baking soda in and he got really upset because he wanted to do it. He was crying loud, screaming, hitting me, and wanted to put some in himself, but I already put in all the recipe called for, so we couldn't add more. He didn't want to add anything else or do anything else, just add more baking soda. What would you do in this situation? I guess mainstream parenting moms would put him in time out until he stopped crying or something like that... but what would be a gentle/positive disipline way of handling this?
Of course next time I will let him do it himself and hopefully avoid this.

I suppose I would acknowledge what he was frustrated about ("You really wanted to do that part and Mommy did it first. That made you angry") Then I would explain why we couldnt add more, apologize for not letting him do that part and move on. The emotions dont need to be stopped- just acknowledged.

[mommy22boys]

Yeah, I did do all that and try to move on with letting him add other ingredients, but he was too angry, crying and being angry to do anything else. I think the only thing that would have calmed him down was letting him add more...

[lifeguard]

After acknowledging his feelings I'd give him some time to relax. Stop the activity altogether if possible & sit quietly until we were ready to continue. Not a time out but a time to regroup.

[MariaMadly]

Re the hitting, I do (did, they are way too old and big to hit me now!) block blows when able to do so gently and safely. I definitely second acknowledging his emotions, and remembering next time you're able to include him. You can still help today weeks from now. :-)

If you were still at a dry ingredients only stage, would it have been possible to scoop out where you added it, compost that, and let him redo it? He may have been too upset for it to help him, but it might give you something to try.

[Tjej]

I'd empathize with my child's sadness and frustration, but I wouldn't go changing or re-doing the recipie. If it worked I'd stop and wait for them to calm down and we could continue together, and if I needed to keep baking I'd be there and listen and explain I needed to keep baking and they could join me if they liked.

Tantrums don't get results in my book, even if they are things that are possible to fix. The tantrum is the problem in my opinion, not the baking soda. Maybe he was too tired or too hungry or too something else, and I'd look into why it happened and work on supporting my DC as best I can to avoid that level of frustration. But when DC gets there, I do not give things or accomodations for screaming and hitting.

Tjej

[Jill0905]

Originally Posted by lifeguard

After acknowledging his feelings I'd give him some time to relax. Stop the activity altogether if possible & sit quietly until we were ready to continue. Not a time out but a time to regroup.

I was thinking the same thing.

[mommy2maya]

I would have ended the activity. The consequence of freaking out is that we have to stop because it is not safe to cook while freaking out. End of story. Sorry you didn't get to do it, next time it will be your turn.

[mommy22boys]

Yeah exactly, I did not want to encourage this behaviour by giving him what he wanted. Thanks a lot for the ideas!
I guess just stopping all together would be a good thing to do. I thought just letting him cry while I continued to bake would be ignoring his feelings....
So I guess my real question here should have been what is an UP or postive/gentle discipline way of handling a tantrum?

[ians_mommy]

I dont hink tantrums always need to be "handled". If the child s not in immediate danger of hurting themselves, someone else, or property, then I think it is fine to let them blow off their frustration and anger.

Young children do not have the verbal ability to engage you in a dailogue about their needs/frustrations nor do they have power to control much of their environment. It has got to be maddening to be little! Sometimes a tantrum just needs to happen.

You can control how you respond (or dont respond), but you dont need to control the tantrum.

[SoulCakes]

I try to remember that time-outs don't have to be a punishment, but ideally a chance for the child (or mom, I need them too!) to calm down for a moment, recenter and regroup. We have time-outs, and I think they're a very positive element of our household.

May I ask, how did you end up handling the situation?

[mommy22boys]

I don't believe I should just let him have a tantrum and let him think that's an OK way to express his feelings.
It is always very embarassing and I'm sure annoying to others, when children have tantrums in public, and I'd rather get him to find another way to deal with his angry emotions at home so that I won't have to worry about it in public or when we have company.

[mommy22boys]

SoulCakes: I took him to our room talked to him, well tried to, he was too busy screaming to listen, so then I just told him that when he feels better he can come and help me. I left the door open and everything, but just left the room after. And he stayed in there for a bit then came out still crying. My DH was home so DS just went to him to be picked up, then finally calmed down and came back to help me. So I guess it turned out fine after, but just during the tantrum it is hard.

[nathansmum]

I don't generally have those sort of situations anymore (kids a bit older) but I recall DS reacting similarly. After reading Naomi Aldort's book I moved on to validating him (You are upset because I added the BS and you really wanted to do it?). At this point I would just allow him to cry with me being present in a loving way. Actively focused on him but not necessarily speaking - in fact less explaining I found was better at that age (I would offer a cuddle, get down to his level and look on attentively but remained silent for the most part). So while he might be loud and you are thinking it's annoying to others, I found after a few times the length of the crying was actually much shorter and he knew I was on his side to come for a cuddle and would move on much quicker. I found that my uncomfortableness with the crying in regards to others was purely because I thought that they expected me to do *something* rather than knowing that I was doing what was best for DS and our family.

Re you not wanting him to have a tantrum - perhaps reframe how you are viewing it. He is only 2 and *is* learning appropriate ways to deal with his disappointment and anger BUT it takes your presence and help to do that which is sounds you are doing great at working on (the outcome does seem to be fine and I think that that's what I mean by reframing how you see it - it all worked out fine kwim?). And as a PP suggested, it's not a bad thing to feel anger - we all do (whether that's frustration, disappointment, annoyed etc) and he doesn't have the life experience to express it - I would be afraid of shutting down his need to express if you just don't want him to tantrum (which I much prefer to refer to as an expression of frustration, disappointment etc to tantrum).

What I found I could do out-of-the-moment with DS was to have a chat about the incident. Sometimes it was appropriate for us to work with him in finding space to himself to calm - not enforced by me, and not punishment, but as a means of calming when things are getting a bit overwhelming. He will now go off to his room and draw instead of exploding and comes out when he's ready.

[ssh]

Tantrums are how very young children learn to deal with overwhelming emotions. You don't have to worry about him thinking that it's an OK way to express his feelings because as the tantrums help him learn to deal with things he will gradually stop needing to tantrum. When you validate his feelings be sure to label his emotion because when he becomes able to say "I'm angry!!!" the tantrums will become infrequent. People who aren't 'allowed' to tantrum sometimes don't become emotionally mature and still have problems with dealing with overwhelming emotions when they grow up.

My DD's most emotionally fragile time was when she was 2 and especially right around 2.5. A few months after turning 3 she'd stop and say "I'm angry" and then she'd sometimes just say she was angry or go to her room.

[griffin2004]

Originally Posted by mommy22boys

Of course next time I will let him do it himself and hopefully avoid this.

The baking soda isn't the issue. He didn't get to do something he wanted to do and acted out his frustration. Hitting is a deal breaker for me. At that point he would have gotten to sit on the floor nearby while he calmed and collected his thoughts and I finished up the cookies without him.

[mommy22boys]

This is all really helpful information, and has given me a lot to think about. I'm so thankful to all of you for taking the time to reply and giving me your own examples and everything.
Nathansmum, I think that's exactly why it bugs me when he does this around people, because I feel like they are thinking I should do "something".

[Tjej]

Don't feel embarassed by a tantrum (or do your best not to). Anyone who is judging you or your child is the one with the problem, not you or your child.

2 is when they are really learning how to manage expressing strong feelings and talking and being limited by their physical skills all mixed together. A few fits are going to happen. A simple, loving and firm response (by firm I mean not trying to cater) generally work really well. Tantrums get shorter and less frequent when they are not "rewarded". So there was one today, it didn't get "rewarded", and there will probably be another one sometime soon. But you don't "reward" that, you just love and wait patiently, and they will get shorter in a little time and then pretty much disappear.

So, good job, Mama. It's no fun when they are so sad, but they are learning how to deal with disappointment with your loving support.

Tjej

[sunshadow]

I've had the exact same situation, so now when I bake with her I give her a bowl and she gets to add ingredients to that. In the end she gets to put some food coloring in it and she loves that. She feels like she is helping me, but I don't have to worry about her dumping half my baking soda on the ground or getting mad when she wants to add more. I am not sure if that's teaching the right lesson, but it makes my life easier!

[LynnS6]

I think it's also important to realize that sometimes you can't fix things, and it's not your job to 'fix' everything. Your job is to help him learn to deal with powerful emotions, and it sounds like you did a good job of that.

As he gets older, he'll be more able to regulate these emotions himself. Right now, at 2, he relies heavily on you for emotional regulation. That's why I think it's dangerous to get into the "I have to fix it" mindset. Sometimes you can't.

I still remember the 30 minute sobbing fest we had when ds' candy cane broke. I couldn't fix that. He's 8 now, and accepts broken candy canes with equanimity. What about dd's tantrum last night because her brother had an outing with a friend and was having a sleep over? She's too young for a sleepover. What message would it send if I tried to fix this, rather than simply empathizing and moving on?

I swear this is the hardest part of parenting for me. I want to fix things, but sometimes, it's not in my child's best interests.